I don't think I'm over my ex that i've hated

[throwaway97182]

The title sounds very weird, but it's really the only way to put it. 

3 years ago, I had a girlfriend, and the relationship was the best that I had ever had. She showed me care in a way that I had never experienced before and I was truly in a state of euphoria throughout it. However, at the end of that school year we had a fallout due to her traveling and we were unable to continue but stayed friends. Then, we both had a lot of arguments and did things we both regret, and I began to despise her. For nearly 2 years, I was almost always thinking about how I disliked her, but I knew something felt missing. I went into other relationships and they almost all failed.

A few months ago, we started to talk again due to having mutual friends and a few classes together, and we both made amends and became friends again.

This past weekend, I had a field trip with my class for a weekend and I was with her for a very large part of it, due to her being friends with everyone in my group and also her being a designated driver. We bonded a lot, and had a few very late night conversations in person, with one night going until nearly 1:00 AM. I was thinking about how differently my life was and how happy I was now that I was close with her again. I went for a walk one night and just thought about the past few years and why my past relationships failed, and I realized I might have never stopped loving her. Through the years that I hated her, I don't think it was true. I have learned that I can love a person but not like them for a time, and I think that is what happened. I was always thinking about her throughout the years, while not thinking about any other ex that I had after about a month; but I was consistently thinking about her for almost 3 years. I was constantly thinking about how I disliked her, never having it on the side. I think the reason those relationships failed was because I was looking for a version of her in somebody else, and it just wouldn't work. 

I likely don't have another chance, because she has never been with another person and has said she does not like the idea of relationships. I keep reminiscing over the times that we had together, and realized that she is genuinely an amazing person, and has genuinely everything that I want in a person. I don't know if I ever stopped loving her.

On the field trip during one of the conversations, I was talking with a 3rd friend about life and she joined midway through. Due to the nature of the conversation, it got very deep and I began talking to her about everything that happened in our relationship and that I felt horrible for everything I had done, and thanked her for giving me another opportunity at being her friend. We both admit that we weren't really the best partner we could have been, but nothing came of it. We bonded a lot on the ~3 hour drive back after the field trip, sang songs together while everyone else in the car was asleep, pointed out things on the side of the streets, and just enjoyed each other's company. 

I want to tell her, but I know the feeling likely isn't mutual, but I also hadn't talked to her for years and might have kept feelings, and I don't think any real amount of time or distance will help, and from experience; other people didn't really help either. I don't know what I can do to alleviate this feeling, the theory of not stopping loving her seems so weird to me but makes so much sense, and explains so much throughout these past few years. Any help on how to go about this is truthfully greatly appreciated, or any suggestions on how to either alleviate it or talk to her about it.