Coworkers

[meadow123]

I really could use some insight on if I should wait or if I'm being drug along.

Last January my coworker and I started a friends with benefits relationship. We were both married and unhappy. Both discussed that we both have no sex marriages and had both had a crush on each other. We start texting and talking and after a couple months of flirting we started hooking up. I have one child and he has no kids. 

My marriage was emotionally abusive and neglectful which I know still doesn't make it ok for me to step outside my marriage, and towards the end March my husband and I separated. Our divorce was finalized at the beginning of May. 

My coworker and I still keep seeing each other. I really felt like he supported me emotionally through my divorce. I feel an emotional connection that I've never felt with a man before.

I got my own place and we started spending more and more time together at my place. Even doing stuff sometimes in public. By June he told me he was falling for me. By July we told each other that we loved each other. 

By about September I began starting to feel like I wanted more and he said he wanted to be with me. I started asking if that would come to a reality and he said he didn't know when he would be divorced too. 

I tried "breaking up" with him a couple times over the next few months because now that my heart was involved it was too painful to keep seeing him, and he kept asking me to give him more time. By December I did break up with him and he quickly said he would have the conversation with his wife about separating. He talked with her and nothing seemed to be changing. 

In February he said that he was looking for apartments but he never actually got one. I broke off contact again at the beginning of March stating that I was done seeing him until he was actually single. That's when he disclosed to me that he's been going to counseling to help him find closure and move on from his marriage. I tried to be a friend and said that I hoped it would help and to follow his gut and heart but that I couldn't continue seeing him while he's still married. 

By the end of March he approached me again stating how much he missed me and he's going to get moved out and wants to be with me. My heart breaks again because I very much love him and find myself having a hard time moving on. 

Now he's stating that everything will for sure be resolved by June and that he will be ready for a relationship with me. We hadn't met up since mid February but recently his wife was out of town and he actually invited me over to his house and I spent the night. 

I'm so torn and hurt but happy and excited and feel bad all at the same time. 

Please don't judge me. Should I wait for him until June? I also recently started counseling a month ago to help me understand my emotions and this situation. 

[meadow123]

I also forgot to mention that at the end of January we went out to dinner and a couple days later his wife confronted him stated that someone saw us and he came clean about everything. From what he's told me, she still seems ok with maintaining a roommate type marriage.

[ExpatInItaly]

37 minutes ago, meadow123 said:

From what he's told me, she still seems ok with maintaining a roommate type marriage.

Because he's a pretty honest and straight-shooting guy, right? 

Please don't assume he's being honest with you. He's a known liar and cheater. He lies to wife. Guaranteed he lies to you, too. To believe otherwise would be naive. 

1 hour ago, meadow123 said:

Should I wait for him until June?

No. You have already wasted far too much time and far too much on your heart on this guy. The chances of him actually leaving her are very, very low. But even if he does, you need to wake up here: the chances that you two would enjoy a happy, healthy relationship are also very, very low. You are dealing with a man who does not respect his partner, plays fast and loose with the truth, behaves in incredibly selfish ways, and is very comfortable with infideltiy.

This is a special breed of low: 

1 hour ago, meadow123 said:

recently his wife was out of town and he actually invited me over to his house and I spent the night. 

Do I understand correctly that he invited you into his marital home, and into his marital bed? And you went along with this? Girl. GIRL. Why have you set the bar so low for yourself? 

My point is that you can and should demand better for yourself. If you really think all of this man's serious character flaws would not show up in your own hypothetical relationship with him, you are dreaming. Be careful what you wish for. 

[MsJayne]

You're on the right track breaking up with him, except for keeping contact with him outside of work. You need to cut him off dead, because as long as you keep him in your life under these conditions you're enabling his sleazy behaviour. For what it's worth, inviting you into his marital bed shows you what depths he's capable of sinking to, he's nasty. The red flag is waving at you, you have first-hand evidence that he treats those close to him with disregard and disrespect, and he's already doing it to you in the way he's been stringing you along, wasting your time. He's not leaving his wife, the whole "we got seen by someone and now I'm just room-mates with the wife" scenario just reeks of him setting the scene for his next excuse for not leaving, he'd thought that one up before he took you to that restaurant. You're being manipulated and taken for a fool, please try to step back and see his behaviour objectively without the emotion in it. You think you're in love with him, but you're in love with a fake persona. I bet his wife knows a very different person to the one you think you know, and I also bet he's abusive and that's the reason their sex-life died. If you tried to have a proper relationship with him he'd do exactly the same thing to you. 

[BaileyB]

I would tell him that the next time he comes to see me, he needs to have divorce papers in hand. Then, and only then, would I even consider the possibility of a relationship. 

But, I think you really need to explore with your counsellor whether you want to plan a future with a man who you can’t trust to be honest with you or honour his commitments. 

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

For what it's worth, inviting you into his marital bed shows you what depths he's capable of sinking to, he's nasty. The red flag is waving at you, you have first-hand evidence that he treats those close to him with disregard and disrespect

I could not agree more. There is something really wrong with a man who brings his affair partner into his home to have sex in the wife he shares with his wife… She could be the worst person ever and they may not have had sex in that bed for 10 years - it matters not. Nothing could justify the betrayal of his wife’s trust and this just demonstrates that this is not a man to be trusted. 

[La.Primavera]

I'm trying to find some empathy for you, but it's hard when you are showing none for her. 

I get that you just want him to be yours and for her to be out of the picture, but using her own bed?  That's so depraved and cruel.   

You don't want us to judge you, but you need to hear the truth about how low this affair has brought you.  It has you fighting for someone of such poor character and lack of integrity. I don't think he's capable of being true to his word, so June will likely come and go with no action.  

However, if I'm wrong and you win him, you will lose in the long run.

 

[Georgia46]

20 hours ago, meadow123 said:

I also forgot to mention that at the end of January we went out to dinner and a couple days later his wife confronted him stated that someone saw us and he came clean about everything. From what he's told me, she still seems ok with maintaining a roommate type marriage.

Can’t be 100 percent but this sounds like a line.  There’s no way he has come clean about everything and his wife is *ok* about it. 
 

whilst your in the affair fog you can’t see the wood from the trees, but just think about how much time has passed - you did the right thing and split up but he didn’t.  He could string you along with false promises for years.  
 

have a long and hard think - is he really the man you’d want to be with?