Really Need Some Insight

[cmt]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Be careful. When I was your age I also had a crisis, I felt I was aging without having “played the field” enough. I actually have, but suddenly it just hit me that soon I won’t be able to “score” with such ease as before.

It all went away when I got together my current partner, but then again, I’m almost 50 now.

You might have a subconscious desire to “even the score” with your wife, because you had about the same amount of sexual partners as her and perhaps there is a part of you that still wants to “sow the seeds”.

Nah.  I did my time on that.  I've always been a monogamous relationships type of guy, with the exception of those two friends after my breakup.  Sleeping around has never been my thing.  It's honestly kind of gross and that's why I have my standards about that in a partner.  Didn't miss out on anything except for a couple more years with my wife if we'd gotten together sooner.  That's the only regret and it's a silly one since we wouldn't be exactly what we are now if we had.  Again, it's just feelings that I'm dealing with and why I made this post.  There's no magic wand to change certain aspects while maintaining the rest.  That's what I'm trying to reconcile in my mind and it's part of life and accepting one's finite existence in this mortal realm.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, cmt said:

We're both former ravers as I said.  I basically spent the majority of my 20s non-stop partying and throwing shows, doing a bunch of drugs, etc.  That certainly could be described as "wild."  Not everyone has to fit your personal definitions of what you think they need to be to a T.

This has nothing to do with my personal definitions. You have a problem that is related to sex. When you talk about that problem and describe your past as “wild”, everyone naturally assumes that you’re talking about the sexual kind of wild, not drug-doing wild or car-racing wild or living in the wilderness and killing tigers with your bare hands wild.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, cmt said:

Sleeping around has never been my thing.  It's honestly kind of gross and that's why I have my standards about that in a partner. 

See, that’s the problem with your thinking right there. If you only typed the first sentence I wouldn’t say anything. But you typed afterwards, “it’s honestly kind of gross”. It’s not “honestly kind of gross”, it’s just gross to you. And I think that, in itself, isn’t a healthy attitude.

I don’t find “sleeping around” (whatever this incredibly vague term means) gross. On the contrary, I would definitely have a problem (actually I did have a problem) with a sexually inexperienced partner in a long-term relationship. But I would never say that being sexually inexperienced is gross.

[Miss Chrysalis]

9 hours ago, cmt said:

  Before this, you could tell she was feeling a bit run down with all she does caring for our children and homeschooling them, taking them for play dates and days at the library, local crafts activities, etc.  This new level of passion has really energized her to where she feels like it's nothing at all. 

I'll have what she's having! Most men your age complain that they are on the bottom of the totem pole because of all the kids and their wife's attention being on them.  Your wife sounds like an amazing woman! 

I think some therapy might do you some good to come to an acceptance of where you are in your life (almost 40) and how to fully embrace it. 

It's ok to long for the youth we once had. Just keep it in check! 

[Els]

16 hours ago, cmt said:

No therapist and considering this just started in the last few weeks, I'm not in a hurry to get one.  I'm actually really against the institution as a whole, but I won't lie - the thought HAS indeed crossed my mind.  That's how bad it has been.

I'm fully aware of the double-standard.  That said, I think it's a valid one as women are the gatekeepers of sex and there's something about allowing another person inside of you.  Women also don't seem to tend to be as territorial in that regard.  My wife actually completely agrees with the double-standard as well.  As I was alluding to above, while I did have casual sex with two of my friends to ease the heartbreak of my breakup after 8 years, I would never consider being in a serious relationship with someone who did so with someone else.  Hypocritical or not, I don't want to worship and love some else's easy good time.  How can I respect you when you don't respect yourself on that level?  Now, that's not what those two things were with her (for example, the one-time guy was a friend she'd be hanging out with romantically and actually asked to be with her after that happened, but she turned down because of the bad experience), but they are definitely not up to the standard of serious relationship that I hold in that regard.  Hopefully that makes sense even if you don't agree with it.  Again, hypocrisy aside,

Thanks for the kudos on keeping a good sex life after all this.  The irony of it is, we were very utilitarian (sleeping in separate rooms for the first year or so after each kid was born, etc.) for many years and didn't have what we have now and I feel like we wasted precious time with one another.  With this newfound passion, we're really trying to get the most out of the rest of our days on this earth together at this point.

Unfortunately, therapy can only help you if you are willing to actually reconsider the way you think about things. Perhaps that might be why you are "against the institution as a whole"?

It's your life and your sanity, so at the end of the day the call is yours to make, of course. But I don't think this is going to turn out well for you and your wife if you're so entrenched in your sexist beliefs that you can't accept a partner having had a sex life before you came along. There's a lot to unpack here, and if you're not willing to do it... well, again, like I said, it's your life.

Good luck.

[cmt]

11 hours ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

I'll have what she's having! Most men your age complain that they are on the bottom of the totem pole because of all the kids and their wife's attention being on them.  Your wife sounds like an amazing woman! 

I think some therapy might do you some good to come to an acceptance of where you are in your life (almost 40) and how to fully embrace it. 

It's ok to long for the youth we once had. Just keep it in check! 

I appreciate the sentiment.  To be honest, you've probably been the most helpful to converse with over the last couple days here.  It's also been good to hear different perspectives even if I think some of them are really missing the point.  If this keeps up, I'll definitely consider talking to a therapist, but my wife and I have spending a lot of time together both enjoying this new phase of our relationship and just talking about things.  We've even waxed philosophical about how wonderful it would have been if we had been if we were able to spend our whole lives together even if that isn't possible.

Thanks for listening to me be a bit of a head case while I work through this.

[Alpacalia]

On 4/9/2025 at 1:40 PM, cmt said:

"Stop Fighting the Thoughts – The harder you resist them, the stronger they become. Instead, acknowledge them: "Ah, there’s my brain being weird again.""

Can you elaborate on this at all?  Because these intrusive thoughts literally make me feel ill sometimes - like I'm going to throw up.

That level of reaction (nausea, visceral discomfort) -- that's tough. It isn't just a passing annoyance; it’s your body signaling distress, like your brain is treating these thoughts as a genuine threat. It’s your nervous system reacting as if something is wrong right now, even though the past can’t actually hurt you. The more you argue with the thoughts ("I shouldn’t feel this way!"), the more power they have. Your brain fixates on trying to "solve" the unsolvable (the past), which keeps the cycle spinning.

This isn’t about logic—it’s about retraining your emotional reflexes.

(And if this feels bigger than self-help, consider therapy focused on ROCD [relationship OCD]—this level of physical reaction suggests professional support could speed up the process.)

You’re not broken for feeling this deeply. But you do deserve relief.

[cmt]

15 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

That level of reaction (nausea, visceral discomfort) -- that's tough. It isn't just a passing annoyance; it’s your body signaling distress, like your brain is treating these thoughts as a genuine threat. It’s your nervous system reacting as if something is wrong right now, even though the past can’t actually hurt you. The more you argue with the thoughts ("I shouldn’t feel this way!"), the more power they have. Your brain fixates on trying to "solve" the unsolvable (the past), which keeps the cycle spinning.

This isn’t about logic—it’s about retraining your emotional reflexes.

(And if this feels bigger than self-help, consider therapy focused on ROCD [relationship OCD]—this level of physical reaction suggests professional support could speed up the process.)

You’re not broken for feeling this deeply. But you do deserve relief.

Well put.  Thanks for explaining it a bit more.  While the feeling didn't really feel like a threat per se, when you say "Your brain fixates on trying to "solve" the unsolvable (the past), which keeps the cycle spinning" is exactly what I'd been doing.  That said, my wife and I have just kept indulging in this new level of intimacy and that's started to fade thankfully.  I think it may have been just an adjustment to this deeper feeling for her.

Hopefully, it just goes away completely, but today I had a bit of a sensual thought about her that wasn't with anyone in specific, but not me and instead of discomfort, it moreso just brought on an appreciate of her sexuality.  The truth is, it's not like there were many guys before me and for whatever their individual relationships were, they're lucky she ever chose any of them a lover.  And I'm even luckier that she chose me as a lover forever - not to mention the fact that she trusted me enough to go down some rather kinky rabbit holes with me.

Edited April 12 by cmt