Really Need Some Insight

[cmt]

Pardon the throwaway account, but I come here seeking help for my unique situation since everything I can find on the subject is simply not relevant to where I find myself.  More on that as I explain.  Also, apologies if my explanation is all over the place and long-winded.  I will try to keep it as concise as possible while hitting all potentially relevant details.

My wife and met when she was 18 and I was 22.  From the first moment, there was an obvious attraction.  However, we were both dating different people and treated the situation appropriately.  In fact, the guy she was dating would later end up being one of my best friends until he passed away a couple years ago.  The person I was with, left me just before I turned 30 and I couldn't be more glad in retrospect because I never could have broken it off even though it wasn't particularly good by the end of the relationship.

While I was in said relationship for almost eight years, she was in her long-term relationship of her early 20s with a different man, with whom she ended up having her first child at around 21.  We weren't really in touch much during this period, as we both had our own worlds and were merely tertiary friends due to our overlapping friend circles.  Around 24-25, her relationship fell apart and she found herself with someone new and they had their thing for about a year until he moved away and she wasn't willing to follow, not wanting to leave her son behind.  About 7 months before we started our relationship is when that ended and where we started was her 27th birthday.  I had been single for almost a year and she sent me an invite - we both pretty much knew something would happen if I showed up.  Being as she had a kid with someone else, I didn't consider her as a potential relationship, but was absolutely interested in hooking up with her considering the always-present attraction.

Sure enough, I did show up and we ended up doing exactly that.  We didn't use protection and ended up needing to Plan B the situation, and ended up doing it again because why not?  Then it turned into hanging out and more intimacy and before you'd know it, we both were like "hey I actually really like being with you" and ended up getting together.  We were both upfront about our pasts - she was number 9 for me and I number 6 for her.  Both of us not really being into the casual sex thing, considering our ages, that was no issue and because I was into her so much I didn't even care about the whole having a kid with someone else thing.

We ended up becoming a couple and everything was great.  While she did get on birth control, after a year or so, she ended up pregnant.  I knew it before she did and I was completely at peace with that reality.  I had found someone that I was ready to spend the rest of my life with and it was mutual.  We had our first child, bought a house, got married, and ended up having three more.  Sure, there were ups and downs like any relationship, but all-in-all, it was good.

There's a bunch more details I could flesh out as far as the interim, but to keep it brief...  From early on, she was willing to go "places" with me that were different for both of us.  I'm something of an anatomy/physiology mad scientist when it comes to sex and she was willing to trust me and go there and we both loved it.  This is funny, because she had been previously very prudish about sex to the point of even condoms for oral (who does that? haha) and it was a sticking point for my previous relationship because that person never was interested in exploring and honestly made me feel weird and withdraw inward because of it.  Here we are, a perfect match.  Everything is great.

Fast-forward to recently and here we are.  I'm approaching 40 and she is approaching 36.  We have four kids together and a good marriage.  Things have slowed down in the kink department due to lifestyle constraints and practicality, but it's not like it's some of the stereotypical sexless marriages people speak of.  About a month ago, while she was away to her parents' with the kids, I spent a night to myself with a certain substance (a highlight of our previous mad scientist stuff - we had both previously been ravers) and found myself so glad to have what I had and comfortable with it to where I was even flirting with the idea of fantasizing about tag-teaming her with someone.  Specifically, one of the people she dated between her son's father and myself since I do value some level of chastity but also have had fantasies about doing just that in general (though with someone else's girl, not my own).

Of course, that's just a fantasy and nothing that happened (just a demonstration of how comfortable and in-love with her I was), but on the other side of it, we found a crazy new passion for each other.  I found myself craving her more than ever, and it was reciprocal.  The sex since then has been like nothing either of us has experienced before.  Suddenly, even though we'd been very utilitarian for years due to having a new kid every 2 years or so, we were on a new level of both love and sexuality.  We're talking twice a day, every day type stuff.  We can't get enough of one-another.  It's like nothing we've ever had before.

So what's the problem?  Well, with this newfound love and passion, there's been a "cuts both ways" scenario.  Now that I love and want her more than ever, it actually has gotten to me that she's had sex with other people than me.  Odd considering the previous inebriated fantasy, but again it's not really a thing I'd ever really do.  Even though we knew our previous pasts, suddenly I wanted her all to myself.  This was not helped by me getting old and kind of hit a mid-life crisis type position where I see pictures of her when she was younger and am like "oh my to have that..."

We keep no secrets and share everything so we've talked about all of this.  Obviously, considering our ages when we got together, there's no expectation of virginity or anything silly like that.  Hell, I still don't even mind that she has a kid with someone else.  Nothing has changed about that.  It's not like I didn't know what I was getting into, and it never bothered me.  Neither did any of the other guys until this newfound passion.  But, somewhere among all this, her previous intimacy started to get at me.  Frankly, I don't know why and it's been f***ing me up to where I'm having intrusive thoughts of her having sex with these other people - some moreso than others.  In trying to figure it out, I've done a lot of looking around, and all I see is guys that have different issues than my own.

What does everyone else talk about?

Ego?  Nope.  We're having the best sex of our lives and while she gets off pretty easily, I do it at a higher rate than anyone else she's been with.  Especially this last month or so, we're both experiencing things we've never had with anyone before.

Trust?  Nope.  I trust her completely and she even encouraged me to do this when I told her about my search for an answer and coming up empty-handed since my situation appears to be unique.

Retroactive jealousy?  I mean, I guess I'm a little jealous of those who experienced her younger, but it's not like I didn't get some of that too.  And we both know that we wouldn't be where we are if we had gotten together younger since we both are much better than our younger selves for having the experiences we had (we talk about being broken puzzle pieces that fit perfectly).  Plus, the one real thing we'd never change is our kids.  If it worked out differently, they'd be different people and we want them to be exactly as they are.  They're amazing.

FOMO?  That's another common one I see with guys who have less experience than their women, but I'm the one with more experience here.

SO WHAT THE f*** IS THE PROBLEM?  All of a sudden I love her more than ever and have more passion than ever and we have the best sexual relationship either of us has had and yet I'm getting hit with thoughts of her allowing other men inside her.  It's weird because we've talked about it and shared all our most intimate details.  Some days, we'll have incredible sex, and then pillow talk about our experiences and just share everything and get to know each other even better, and have sex again and fall asleep cuddling and it's great and honest and open.  But then other days, I'm hit with thoughts of her with these other guys.  I'm only one of two that have had unprotected sex with her.  I'm the only one who hasn't dealt with the previous prudish behavior about bodily fluids and stuff.  I'm the only one to do so many things with her that I won't go into detail on.  One of the guys, she even had sex with only one time who didn't even get off and she just kind of pushed him off her and stopped hanging out with because of the bad experience.  And another, the one before me, was only two months and nothing serious, but she was looking for companionship after previously-mentioned relationship moved away.

While I might be her ultimate in every way, and after being together for 9 years and having 4 kids of our own, I'm suddenly hit with these intrusive thoughts of her with other people - mostly the "cheap" two even though we've had a laugh about the one-off guy and his lack of performance.  I didn't care about any of it until this newfound passion for her.  And while it was worse just knowing the abstract and wondering what the details were, and we've had a real openness really getting to know one another's past and had fun with it...  I still can't shake these thoughts and it's messing with me to where sometimes I'm struggling to just function.  Other days, we're at our absolute best and most passionate and even enjoying getting it off our chests to one-another.

Okay, long rant over.  Hopefully I've put it in some degree of context that makes any sense at all.  Please help.

Edited April 9 by cmt

[MsJayne]

You're still crazy in love with your wife. That's wonderful.  You're having a bit of a mid-life crisis, it happens. Maybe focus on the fact that this beautiful woman only wants to be with you and forget about past encounters, because they're nothing in the big picture. Also, as you approach your older years, you may be bonding on a deeper level because you're both aware that you each found The One and you're going to go the whole distance. In the relationship department you've got it all. Have you got any idea how lucky you are? You shouldn't be feeling jealous and weird, you should be feeling smug AF . 

[Gebidozo]

I can relate to much of what you wrote, but what I’m puzzled about is the timing.

Like you, I used to be bothered by my partner’s past (which was quite a bit more adventurous than your wife’s).

Also like you, I was (and still am) strongly aroused by sexual fantasies and stories and scenarios about my partner, fictional or otherwise.

The thing is that we’ve only been together for a couple of years, and by the end of the first year I pretty much got over the unpleasant sensations caused by thoughts of her sexual past.

What I’m feeling now is either calm acceptance or indifference, or (when I’m in the “fantasy mode”) just pure arousal and joy and increased sexual interest in her.

So what puzzles me is that you first had this whole long relationship with her, even had children with her, and were fine with her past, yet suddenly it bothers you now, and it just happens to coincide with your new sexual fantasies.

My guess is that perhaps you just need some time to process the new experiences. Possibly you just didn’t imagine your wife’s past sexual encounters in such vivid colors as you do now, after the discovery of those fantasies. So the two opposing sensations (discomfort and arousal) are hitting you at the same time now.

I think that, with time, you’ll be able to learn how to transform the negative sensation into a positive one permanently. Once you realize that what excites you is your wife’s sexuality, you’ll logically arrive at the conclusion that her past sexual experiences must remain as they are, because they are parts of what makes up her sexual persona.

Over a year ago, when I was still tortured by retroactive jealousy and unpleasant thoughts about things that my partner used to do sexually with other men, I told my best friend that I didn’t know what I should feel.

He said, “Gratitude. Be grateful to those men and to her because her experiences with them have made her the woman that you’re madly in love with”.

[Alpacalia]

Notice how the problem started when your passion intensified.

Heightened emotions and passion are making you more possessive perhaps? When you feel more intensely about someone, the idea of sharing them, even in the past, might become more threatening. It's like the more you value something, the more you fear losing it or having it tainted.

The other thing is your mention of a mid-life crisis, looking at her younger photos and wishing you had that time with her. Maybe it ties into a fear of aging and mortality.

The goal isn’t to erase the thoughts (because that may not be realistic) but to soften their power.

You're fearing on some level a deeper connection with your wife and I think these thoughts of her with men from the past are your mind/body's way of protecting you from the vulnerability that comes with such deep love.

Your mind is fixating on her past because it’s a way to subconsciously distance yourself from the overwhelming intensity of what you’re feeling now. If you obsess over old, irrelevant details, you don’t have to fully sit with the fear of how much you currently need her.

Intrusive thoughts about her past are a twisted form of self-sabotage—your psyche testing your own emotional security.

Stop Fighting the Thoughts – The harder you resist them, the stronger they become. Instead, acknowledge them: "Ah, there’s my brain being weird again." 

[cmt]

13 hours ago, MsJayne said:

You're still crazy in love with your wife. That's wonderful.  You're having a bit of a mid-life crisis, it happens. Maybe focus on the fact that this beautiful woman only wants to be with you and forget about past encounters, because they're nothing in the big picture. Also, as you approach your older years, you may be bonding on a deeper level because you're both aware that you each found The One and you're going to go the whole distance. In the relationship department you've got it all. Have you got any idea how lucky you are? You shouldn't be feeling jealous and weird, you should be feeling smug AF . 

I'm more in love with her than ever.  And extremely lucky, as you said.  All of that absolutely rings true with me.  I've always been possessive in my relationships, but had never really concerned myself with it with her for whatever reason.  Everything just worked.  It's only now that I've hit this new level of love for her that I'm falling into those possessive instincts.

To the point of the mid-life crisis, that's part of what hurts.  I now wish I had gotten to have even more years with her, especially ones when we were younger.  I'd have gladly traded what I had at the time to be with her, in retrospect.  I know life doesn't work like that, but it doesn't make it sting any less.

[cmt]

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I can relate to much of what you wrote, but what I’m puzzled about is the timing.

Like you, I used to be bothered by my partner’s past (which was quite a bit more adventurous than your wife’s).

Also like you, I was (and still am) strongly aroused by sexual fantasies and stories and scenarios about my partner, fictional or otherwise.

The thing is that we’ve only been together for a couple of years, and by the end of the first year I pretty much got over the unpleasant sensations caused by thoughts of her sexual past.

What I’m feeling now is either calm acceptance or indifference, or (when I’m in the “fantasy mode”) just pure arousal and joy and increased sexual interest in her.

So what puzzles me is that you first had this whole long relationship with her, even had children with her, and were fine with her past, yet suddenly it bothers you now, and it just happens to coincide with your new sexual fantasies.

My guess is that perhaps you just need some time to process the new experiences. Possibly you just didn’t imagine your wife’s past sexual encounters in such vivid colors as you do now, after the discovery of those fantasies. So the two opposing sensations (discomfort and arousal) are hitting you at the same time now.

I think that, with time, you’ll be able to learn how to transform the negative sensation into a positive one permanently. Once you realize that what excites you is your wife’s sexuality, you’ll logically arrive at the conclusion that her past sexual experiences must remain as they are, because they are parts of what makes up her sexual persona.

Over a year ago, when I was still tortured by retroactive jealousy and unpleasant thoughts about things that my partner used to do sexually with other men, I told my best friend that I didn’t know what I should feel.

He said, “Gratitude. Be grateful to those men and to her because her experiences with them have made her the woman that you’re madly in love with”.

I've always been a bit bothered by the pasts of the women I've dated.  The intimacy of a woman allowing one of us inside of them to rut around (I purposely use that term because we men can really be animals sometimes)and experience pleasure is something I've always found special.  Don't get me wrong, I've had casual sex with two of my friends when I was in my own rebound period, but that's the thing - they're people that I would never consider for a relationship because they were into casual sex.  Before my wife, though, the three women I'd truly loved I was their first, so there wasn't anything to deal with in that department.

 

"Also like you, I was (and still am) strongly aroused by sexual fantasies and stories and scenarios about my partner, fictional or otherwise."
 

I think I gave the wrong impression with my post since it was a lot trying to explain it all concisely.  I actually don't have any fantasies about her outside of being with me.  The mention of that one drug-fueled fantasy came from another direction.  I've always wanted to do the tag-team/sloppy seconds thing, but would only do so with another couple - never my own girl.  I mentioned the fantasy because it showed the comfort and confidence I feel in our relationship to where I would even consider it, especially considering the above about how I see sex and am possessive in my relationships.  That all said, it was really just that drug-fueled night and went away after I sobered up.

 

"The thing is that we’ve only been together for a couple of years, and by the end of the first year I pretty much got over the unpleasant sensations caused by thoughts of her sexual past."

And that's the weird thing here - I'm working in the opposite direction.  I started out not caring because it's not like she's had a bunch of partners and I had to make peace with the fact that she already had a kid.  It's only now with these newfound feelings that I suddenly take issue with it.

 

"So what puzzles me is that you first had this whole long relationship with her, even had children with her, and were fine with her past, yet suddenly it bothers you now, and it just happens to coincide with your new sexual fantasies."

It bothers me now because of the newfound love making me more possessive.  The fantasies aren't new at all, just new that I would have even considered doing so with her.  However, all of that did come along at the same time during that drug experience.

 

"My guess is that perhaps you just need some time to process the new experiences. Possibly you just didn’t imagine your wife’s past sexual encounters in such vivid colors as you do now, after the discovery of those fantasies. So the two opposing sensations (discomfort and arousal) are hitting you at the same time now."

Not a bad theory at all.

 

"I think that, with time, you’ll be able to learn how to transform the negative sensation into a positive one permanently. Once you realize that what excites you is your wife’s sexuality, you’ll logically arrive at the conclusion that her past sexual experiences must remain as they are, because they are parts of what makes up her sexual persona."

I certainly hope so.  Obviously, her experiences do make her who she is.  I don't begrudge her the three guys she was in real, committed relationships with.  However, the one time with the guy she was hanging out with who couldn't perform and then the two month rebound pseudo-relationship with her friend before me are what troubles me more.  Even she has said that, if she could keep all other things the same (though she sees like as a butterfly effect type deal), she would definitely do away with those two because she knows they're not really up to her usual standards.  The irony of that is how we ever got together in the first place.  She went into that night thinking "this will be my one black mark of a one-night stand, to have him."  Obviously, it became much more than that but it's just funny, because I would never want to be with a woman who had a one-night stand - she only gets a pass because it was me.

[cmt]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Notice how the problem started when your passion intensified.

Heightened emotions and passion are making you more possessive perhaps? When you feel more intensely about someone, the idea of sharing them, even in the past, might become more threatening. It's like the more you value something, the more you fear losing it or having it tainted.

The other thing is your mention of a mid-life crisis, looking at her younger photos and wishing you had that time with her. Maybe it ties into a fear of aging and mortality.

The goal isn’t to erase the thoughts (because that may not be realistic) but to soften their power.

You're fearing on some level a deeper connection with your wife and I think these thoughts of her with men from the past are your mind/body's way of protecting you from the vulnerability that comes with such deep love.

Your mind is fixating on her past because it’s a way to subconsciously distance yourself from the overwhelming intensity of what you’re feeling now. If you obsess over old, irrelevant details, you don’t have to fully sit with the fear of how much you currently need her.

Intrusive thoughts about her past are a twisted form of self-sabotage—your psyche testing your own emotional security.

Stop Fighting the Thoughts – The harder you resist them, the stronger they become. Instead, acknowledge them: "Ah, there’s my brain being weird again." 

"Heightened emotions and passion are making you more possessive perhaps? When you feel more intensely about someone, the idea of sharing them, even in the past, might become more threatening. It's like the more you value something, the more you fear losing it or having it tainted."

Absolutely.  It's not threatening, but it definitely feels tainted - especially when it comes to the two she wasn't in real relationships with.  It's bad enough to acknowledge other men have been inside the love of my life.  It's even worse than two of them were fairly cheap experiences.

 

"Your mind is fixating on her past because it’s a way to subconsciously distance yourself from the overwhelming intensity of what you’re feeling now. If you obsess over old, irrelevant details, you don’t have to fully sit with the fear of how much you currently need her."

I don't want to flat out say you're wrong considering I came here for help, but I really think it's the other way around.  I absolutely relish in my love for her and how I need her and vice versa.  The fact that has grown so strong is why things that didn't bother me before, bother me now.  To cherish someone so much makes it bother me that anyone who had to privilege of being with her didn't necessarily value it as it deserves.

 

"Stop Fighting the Thoughts – The harder you resist them, the stronger they become. Instead, acknowledge them: "Ah, there’s my brain being weird again.""

Can you elaborate on this at all?  Because these intrusive thoughts literally make me feel ill sometimes - like I'm going to throw up.

[Els]

If it's really affecting you to the point of not being able to function, you really need to get professional help for it, stat. Constant, unrelenting intrusive thoughts can sometimes be part of a mental condition that can get better with cognitive behavioral therapy and potentially medication.

Do you have a therapist whom you can talk to about it?

Now that we've gone over the most important bit, I'm just going to say that I hope you're aware that without these previous experiences, your wife might not be the person that you fell in love with. We are all shaped by our past. And frankly, many people are terrible lovers in their first relationship - so if she didn't have a past, you might not be enjoying the sex life that you have now.

Also, why are you bothered by her having had casual sex when YOU have had casual sex multiple times? Don't you feel that's a bit hypocritical?

Give yourself a pat on the back for managing the incredible feat of keeping up a good sex life with FOUR (!!) kids, and go talk to your therapist ASAP.

Edited April 10 by Els

[cmt]

4 minutes ago, Els said:

If it's really affecting you to the point of not being able to function, you really need to get professional help for it, stat. Constant, unrelenting intrusive thoughts can sometimes be part of a mental condition that can get better with cognitive behavioral therapy and potentially medication.

Do you have a therapist whom you can talk to about it?

Now that we've gone over the most important bit, I'm just going to say that I hope you're aware that without these previous experiences, your wife might not be the person that you fell in love with. We are all shaped by our past. And frankly, many people are terrible lovers in their first relationship - so if she didn't have a past, you might not be enjoying the sex life that you have now.

Also, why are you bothered by her having had casual sex when YOU have had casual sex multiple times? Don't you feel that's a bit hypocritical?

Give yourself a pat on the back for managing the incredible feat of keeping up a good sex life with FOUR (!!) kids, and go talk to your therapist ASAP.

No therapist and considering this just started in the last few weeks, I'm not in a hurry to get one.  I'm actually really against the institution as a whole, but I won't lie - the thought HAS indeed crossed my mind.  That's how bad it has been.

I'm fully aware of the double-standard.  That said, I think it's a valid one as women are the gatekeepers of sex and there's something about allowing another person inside of you.  Women also don't seem to tend to be as territorial in that regard.  My wife actually completely agrees with the double-standard as well.  As I was alluding to above, while I did have casual sex with two of my friends to ease the heartbreak of my breakup after 8 years, I would never consider being in a serious relationship with someone who did so with someone else.  Hypocritical or not, I don't want to worship and love some else's easy good time.  How can I respect you when you don't respect yourself on that level?  Now, that's not what those two things were with her (for example, the one-time guy was a friend she'd be hanging out with romantically and actually asked to be with her after that happened, but she turned down because of the bad experience), but they are definitely not up to the standard of serious relationship that I hold in that regard.  Hopefully that makes sense even if you don't agree with it.  Again, hypocrisy aside,

Thanks for the kudos on keeping a good sex life after all this.  The irony of it is, we were very utilitarian (sleeping in separate rooms for the first year or so after each kid was born, etc.) for many years and didn't have what we have now and I feel like we wasted precious time with one another.  With this newfound passion, we're really trying to get the most out of the rest of our days on this earth together at this point.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, cmt said:

I've always been a bit bothered by the pasts of the women I've dated. 

6 hours ago, cmt said:

I would never want to be with a woman who had a one-night stand - she only gets a pass because it was me.

Well, then forget what I told you before. The problem appears to be much simpler. Just get rid of your outdated and condescending view that one-night stands somehow “tarnish” women but not men.

Your wife doesn’t “get a pass”, that’s a wrong way of looking at this. She shouldn’t be feeling guilty for her sexual past just because you have problems with it.

Also, bear in mind that it is likely that your wife hasn’t told you everything. She might have had more sexual partners than the number she gave you. Women are often downplaying the number of their sexual partners precisely because there are still too many man holding those patriarchal views that you appear to have expressed here.

[Gebidozo]

10 minutes ago, cmt said:

I'm fully aware of the double-standard.  That said, I think it's a valid one

No, it’s not. That’s why it’s pejoratively called “double standard”. It implies that it’s unfair. And it is.

 

11 minutes ago, cmt said:

women are the gatekeepers of sex and there's something about allowing another person inside of you.

This is a meaningless sentence. There is “something” about everything.

Your choice of words is generally strange. Women don’t “allow” men inside them any more than men “allow” women to receive them.

Please don’t project your own quasi-mythological imagery probably stemming from common insecurities onto reality. 
 

17 minutes ago, cmt said:

Hypocritical or not, I don't want to worship and love some else's easy good time.

Well, good that you admit that you’re being hypocritical.

One day you’ll realize what a bunch of nonsense you’re defending here.

Till that day, you’ll continue to be tortured by imaginary problems caused by your own erroneous thinking.

Good luck growing up.

[cmt]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

No, it’s not. That’s why it’s pejoratively called “double standard”. It implies that it’s unfair. And it is.

 

This is a meaningless sentence. There is “something” about everything.

Your choice of words is generally strange. Women don’t “allow” men inside them any more than men “allow” women to receive them.

Please don’t project your own quasi-mythological imagery probably stemming from common insecurities onto reality. 
 

Well, good that you admit that you’re being hypocritical.

One day you’ll realize what a bunch of nonsense you’re defending here.

Till that day, you’ll continue to be tortured by imaginary problems caused by your own erroneous thinking.

Good luck growing up.

It is what it is.  We all have preferences.  My wife understands and actually agrees with me.  The condescension isn't particularly necessary, but you're absolutely entitled to your opinion.  Call me old-fashioned, call me a hypocrite.  I just have the standard of wanting to be reasonably special to someone I love in that way as well as all the other things.

And yes, I know women lie about this stuff, but I have no reason to not trust my wife.  If she was going to lie, why even bother admitting the stuff she isn't proud of?

[Gebidozo]

9 minutes ago, cmt said:

We all have preferences.

Certainly, but your preferences aren’t rooted in reality, but in outdated sociocultural constructs. And, as you can see, they are causing you completely unnecessary mental pain.

Changing those preference would do you good. To say nothing of your wife, who knows that you’re judging her for things she is allegedly not proud of.

 

12 minutes ago, cmt said:

I just have the standard of wanting to be reasonably special to someone I love in that way as well as all the other things.

Everyone has this standard. But you appear to think that you can’t be special to a woman who has had one night stands. That is an error in your thinking. A woman can have a 100 one night stands and still have very special feelings for one particular man and be fully faithful to him in a loving monogamous relationship.

 

15 minutes ago, cmt said:

If she was going to lie, why even bother admitting the stuff she isn't proud of?

Because she knew that even this stuff would bother you. Therefore, she might have concealed some other facts that would have made you even more uncomfortable. She might have not wanted to risk losing you because of your prejudices.

Your wife has the right to be proud, indifferent, or ashamed about anything she did. That’s her life and her judgment of herself. She doesn’t need to “agree with you”, because this is not an opinion you are entitled to enforce - only she is.

 

[cmt]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Your wife has the right to be proud, indifferent, or ashamed about anything she did. That’s her life and her judgment of herself. She doesn’t need to “agree with you”, because this is not an opinion you are entitled to enforce - only she is.

Absolutely.  She doesn't need to agree with me at all nor does she owe me anything when it comes to how she views her past.  She's also fully entitled to view me and mine however she wants.  Nobody is imposing anything on anyone here, despite your inferences.  That said, I am glad we share much of the same worldview.  That's part of why we got together even as a pair of people with our own flaws and histories to contend with and why we're together after all these years.  Truth be told, we were both fairly wild when we were younger but have grown into a very "traditional" couple in many ways.

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, cmt said:

Absolutely.  She doesn't need to agree with me at all nor does she owe me anything when it comes to how she views her past.  She's also fully entitled to view me and mine however she wants.  Nobody is imposing anything on anyone here, despite your inferences.  That said, I am glad we share much of the same worldview.  That's part of why we got together even as a pair of people with our own flaws and histories to contend with and why we're together after all these years.  Truth be told, we were both fairly wild when we were younger but have grown into a very "traditional" couple in many ways.

You’re the one who is having problems now, not I. Please don’t see this as some sort of a debate where I’m trying to prove you wrong. I’m merely stating that your problems lie in an obvious conflict between your perceived values and the reality of your life. That is why I highly suggest to you to try and distance yourself from those values, or at least attempt to reinterpret them differently.

Having 6 or 9 lifetime sexual partners doesn’t really qualify as “wild”, but that might be just my opinion.

There is nothing that could prevent a person with a truly “wild” past to have a traditional monogamous relationship. It is mainly there that you have created a false dichotomy.

[Miss Chrysalis]

Interesting.  I think you've gotten some decent advice from men.  I'm sure this is is pretty frustrating.  I hope it stops soon! You literally can do nothing about it unless you figure out how to make a time machine! She was still pretty young when you two got together, so it's not like you got an old lady and are pining for the 25 year old.  What exactly do you think would have been different if she was 22 instead of 27?

[cmt]

10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Having 6 or 9 lifetime sexual partners doesn’t really qualify as “wild”, but that might be just my opinion.

When I said "wild," I wasn't talking about sexual partners - I was talking about lifestyle.  And I'm not trying to debate you.  I just came here for help.  Obviously, if I had an issue with it from the get-go, I wouldn't be with her at all.  It's simply with the newfound level of love that I feel this way.  She's so very special to me.

Edited April 10 by cmt

[cmt]

1 minute ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

Interesting.  I think you've gotten some decent advice from men.  I'm sure this is is pretty frustrating.  I hope it stops soon! You literally can do nothing about it unless you figure out how to make a time machine! She was still pretty young when you two got together, so it's not like you got an old lady and are pining for the 25 year old.  What exactly do you think would have been different if she was 22 instead of 27?

That's the kicker.  If we had gotten together when she was 22, we wouldn't have lasted.  We both had a lot of growing to do and our own personal issues to work out and it's why our previous relationships didn't last.  So, in that way, things ended up exactly how they were "meant to be."  I just love her so much that I wish we had that time together.  I know it's nonsensical.  Feelings are feelings though.  That's why I came here for the insight.

[Miss Chrysalis]

6 minutes ago, cmt said:

That's the kicker.  If we had gotten together when she was 22, we wouldn't have lasted.  We both had a lot of growing to do and our own personal issues to work out and it's why our previous relationships didn't last.  So, in that way, things ended up exactly how they were "meant to be."  I just love her so much that I wish we had that time together.  I know it's nonsensical.  Feelings are feelings though.  That's why I came here for the insight.

I meant sexually, though. You've said you think you wish you could have had her when she was young (I'm paraphrasing).  But she WAS young...she was only 27! What would have been different if she was even younger?  Are you maybe having trouble being attracted to your wife's aging, post-baby body?

[cmt]

3 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

I meant sexually, though. You've said you think you wish you could have had her when she was young (I'm paraphrasing).  But she WAS young...she was only 27! What would have been different if she was even younger?  Are you maybe having trouble being attracted to your wife's aging, post-baby body?

"But she WAS young...she was only 27! What would have been different if she was even younger?"

Indeed she was.  I just miss those years with her and wish we had more of them.

"Are you maybe having trouble being attracted to your wife's aging, post-baby body?"

Definitely not.  I'm positively wild for her, even now.  To be honest, she still looks great even after five kids.  I just see old pictures of her with her cute girl-next-door look and wish I could have had a little more time of that too.  I want it all!  Hahaha.  Call me greedy and I wouldn't at all disagree.

[Miss Chrysalis]

1 minute ago, cmt said:

"But she WAS young...she was only 27! What would have been different if she was even younger?"

Indeed she was.  I just miss those years with her and wish we had more of them.

"Are you maybe having trouble being attracted to your wife's aging, post-baby body?"

Definitely not.  I'm positively wild for her, even now.  To be honest, she still looks great even after five kids.  I just see old pictures of her with her cute girl-next-door look and wish I could have had a little more time of that too.  I want it all!  Hahaha.  Call me greedy and I wouldn't at all disagree.

It sounds like YOU want to be young, too.  Not just that you want her to be young.  Is this right?  I think many of us can relate! Would it help to start planning fun and exciting things for your empty nest phase even though it's a while off? Maybe look toward the future instead of the past? While of course still savoring every moment of the present. :). 

[cmt]

1 minute ago, Miss Chrysalis said:

It sounds like YOU want to be young, too.  Not just that you want her to be young.  Is this right?  I think many of us can relate! Would it help to start planning fun and exciting things for your empty nest phase even though it's a while off? Maybe look toward the future instead of the past? While of course still savoring every moment of the present. :). 

While we said we we done after 3 and then 4 after that, she's actually been talking about how if we end up with more kids, she'd be okay with it.  Before this, you could tell she was feeling a bit run down with all she does caring for our children and homeschooling them, taking them for play dates and days at the library, local crafts activities, etc.  This new level of passion has really energized her to where she feels like it's nothing at all.  So I'm not sure empty-nest plans are anywhere near on the table just yet.

That said, we definitely have agreed to make the most of the here and now and our days ahead.  We both feel like we probably squandered the last few years a bit being a little too utilitarian instead of this new thing we have going on.

And yes, I do miss being young a bit.  Not gonna lie.  That's the mid-life crisis part.  One day I was 30 and starting a relationship with her and soon I'll be 40.  It's been a blur in a lot of ways.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, cmt said:

When I said "wild," I wasn't talking about sexual partners - I was talking about lifestyle.  And I'm not trying to debate you.  I just came here for help.  Obviously, if I had an issue with it from the get-go, I wouldn't be with her at all.  It's simply with the newfound level of love that I feel this way.  She's so very special to me.

If it is true, you’ll have to find a way to get over your mental and cultural barriers and solve this issue once and for all.

Your wife deserves to be with someone who appreciates and accepts her fully, and to whom she wouldn’t feel the need to justify her past actions.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, cmt said:

And yes, I do miss being young a bit.  Not gonna lie.  That's the mid-life crisis part.  One day I was 30 and starting a relationship with her and soon I'll be 40.  It's been a blur in a lot of ways.

Be careful. When I was your age I also had a crisis, I felt I was aging without having “played the field” enough. I actually have, but suddenly it just hit me that soon I won’t be able to “score” with such ease as before.

It all went away when I got together my current partner, but then again, I’m almost 50 now.

You might have a subconscious desire to “even the score” with your wife, because you had about the same amount of sexual partners as her and perhaps there is a part of you that still wants to “sow the seeds”.

[cmt]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

If it is true, you’ll have to find a way to get over your mental and cultural barriers and solve this issue once and for all.

Your wife deserves to be with someone who appreciates and accepts her fully, and to whom she wouldn’t feel the need to justify her past actions.

While I appreciate some of the advice from someone with 10 years on me and the experience that goes with it, it seems a lot of what you're saying at this point is incredibly presumptuous.  We're both former ravers as I said.  I basically spent the majority of my 20s non-stop partying and throwing shows, doing a bunch of drugs, etc.  That certainly could be described as "wild."  Not everyone has to fit your personal definitions of what you think they need to be to a T.

And who said anything about having to justify actions?  We both did the things we did and nothing changes that.  I'm just trying to re-accept hers like I did for the last nine years up until this new phase of our relationship hit.  That's all.