I'm a 32 year old guy and scared of marriage

[Shana]

 

She has nothing other than her looks, sex appeal and dubious emotional support to offer to a marriage which means YOU will be responsible for everything that the marriage needs, ie whatever she wants.

 

Marriage is a poor deal for you (and nearly every american man) simply because you aren't recieveing anywhere near an equivalent return on investment against the risks you are taking.

 

OOOOOOOO Rex is 32 and you are acting like he is this well established, wall street broker making 300K ++++ per year and she, because she is in her 20's, is some low life man digger looking for a free ride!

 

I am in the same age bracket as Rex and his girl. me 28, he 36 and we are EQUALLY FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT. So, don't think that the chick mooches off the man ...

The girl just wants to know where her future is going ...that's all! Your comments were quite harsh!

 

SO REX where are you, let's hear what's going on in your life now....

[lindya]

Ah sarcasm, the weapon of choice for the intellectually stunted.

 

Evidently.

 

Try again and this time bring something relevant to the discussion.

 

Here's my take. Rex's initial post was fairly brief and outlined concerns he has about getting married. These were the sort of concerns one might expect anyone to have when they're contemplating a life-changing step such as marriage.

 

Both you and the poster who attacked Rex appear to have brought issues of your own into this. The intelligent approach would have been to seek further information from Rex in an effort to help him establish why he is feeling this way. Instead, you have made an astounding number of negative assumptions about his girlfriend.

 

This suggests an unbalanced perspective which undermines any advice you wish to dispense - or, indeed, any point you were hoping to make. You clearly lack the capacity to think and argue on the legalistic level that your username suggests you aspire to, hence my earlier comment.

[blind_otter]

Both you and the poster who attacked Rex appear to have brought issues of your own into this. The intelligent approach would have been to seek further information from Rex in an effort to help him establish why he is feeling this way.

 

Yep. Here's a tip for navigating the forums. If you have a personal agenda or issue that you would like to persue, please start your own thread. Do not hijack someone else's thread, it's rude and it totally derails the thread, and obviously the OP has run off because no one is helping HIM any more.

 

This thread is dead.

[a4a]

Evidently.

 

 

 

Instead, you have made an astounding number of negative assumptions about his girlfriend.

 

This suggests an unbalanced perspective which undermines any advice you wish to dispense - or, indeed, any point you were hoping to make. You clearly lack the capacity to think and argue on the legalistic level that your username suggests you aspire to, hence my earlier comment.

 

Very true dear Lindya!

 

Not gang banging you DA but to attack the motives of his

SO without him providing details showing she is a gold diggin needy black mailing whore of sorts is going a tad too far.......IMHO.... but again what do I know?

 

a4a- wanna go for a ride?

[blazer]

Just because you are over 30 years old doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be scared of marriage. Everyone is different as to when they are ready to make this commitment in their lives. Just be glad that you are taking the marriage step so seriously, because many people don't.

 

You are in a relationship, well past the infatuation stage, and it sounds as if you are in love with your girlfriend. You say you can't imagine life without her, so I'm assuming you are in love with her, not that you are just comfortable and dependent on the relationship. (But you might want to ask yourself those questions to see if this is really love.) Since your gf is talking about marriage, you may be feeling fearful at how to respond to her and how you feel about the idea. But she may just want to know that you both see your relationship the same way, that you have a strong love for each other with marriage in the foreseable future. Maybe by telling her your true feelings (you love her, but fearful of what the future will hold), it might alleviate your anxiety, and the idea of marriage won't be such an issue for you. You might find that she has feelings of uncertainty about marriage too (I mean she is talking about five years in the future which is quite long to some of us). Once you start talking about both of your feelings honestly, you may be able to work through this together and come to a mutual understanding.

[Devils Advocate]

Very true dear Lindya!

 

Not gang banging you DA but to attack the motives of his

SO without him providing details showing she is a gold diggin needy black mailing whore of sorts is going a tad too far.......IMHO.... but again what do I know?

 

a4a- wanna go for a ride?

 

At no point in my comments did I imply that she was a "Gold diggin, needy black mailing whore" I merely interpreted the comments given in the most direct manner possible. The OP's facts are however apt to your interpretation.

 

 

Im 32, succesful and independant. I've been dating a girl for 3 years (she is 25 and beginning her working career) and she wants to get married eventually.

 

His statements here show that he considers himself successful (the level of success is irrelevant he states he is so accept that as fact) and that she is significantly younger than he and just starting her career (you begin your career at the bottom and work up to your level hence the underemployed descriptor).

 

She wants a commitment\agreement to marriage within 5 years from now. I cannot imagine life without her, but I literally feel 'scared' and i dont know why.

 

She has issued an ultimatum here, "I want this or..." though it is not stated what the or is the following phrase implies that she will leave if he does not agree to her terms, hence the emotional blackmail comment. (the definition of which is to submit to my demands or I will punish you emotionally which her leaving the OP has stated as undesirable.)

The whore comment I will attribute to my description that she has only her looks, sex appeal and dubious emotional support to provide to a union which I stand by. Since the OP has stated that children are not currently a desireable goal and that he is successful enough that he does not need a wife to aid him in his daily survival what else does this woman or any woman provide that he needs and can only have via marriage ?

 

 

Here's my take. Rex's initial post was fairly brief and outlined concerns he has about getting married. These were the sort of concerns one might expect anyone to have when they're contemplating a life-changing step such as marriage.

 

Both you and the poster who attacked Rex appear to have brought issues of your own into this. The intelligent approach would have been to seek further information from Rex in an effort to help him establish why he is feeling this way. Instead, you have made an astounding number of negative assumptions about his girlfriend.

 

This suggests an unbalanced perspective which undermines any advice you wish to dispense - or, indeed, any point you were hoping to make. You clearly lack the capacity to think and argue on the legalistic level that your username suggests you aspire to, hence my earlier comment.

 

You are incorrect, the intelligent and proper thing is to accept the information as given and apply logic and reason to those facts. You will never have all the facts in any situation (if you did then the OP would not need to ask the question in the first place)

 

I have drawn these conclusions without requesting more information purely because they are not needed. The SO does not need to be defended, understood or respected simply because the only one who is involved is the OP and his decisions. I have always and will always present the most realistically negative point of view available and allow the individual involved to compare that with the ideal situation they have already contemplated. This is the function of a Devil's Advocate, to pull aside the rose clored glasses and show you the other possibility.

 

P.S. To all the women who choose to respond to my comments I would like to request that unless it is about you your personal history is irrelevant. See if you can respond without personally involving yourself into it. This is designed to be a rational discussion forum not a place for self-aggrandizement or attention whoring.

[EMJ]

You will figure this out. It's normal to have fears and at least you aren't accepting them as your ultimate truth. You know you are still growing and always will be if you are a smart person engaged with the world. Talk it out with your woman. She doesn't sound like she's afraid of honest communication. She's said what she wants, but you have focused on what you DONT want. What do you want? Descibe to her what a good marriage looks like to you. You might not have seen too many as lots of people marry for the wrong reasons. Be positive about your future wherever it takes you. Best Wishes.

[clandestinidad]

my comments were directed at one individual based entirely upon the information presented.

 

Ummm....there was never any such information about HER personal motives for dating him presented in anything the OP said. You simply inferred it, perhaps based on some generalization that you have concocted over time.

 

Now I will continue reading the rest of this thread

 

edit:

 

Once you have finished your hysterical ranting and stop personalizing any and every comment

 

oh jeez...another wrong analysis. youre not very good at reading people's minds/thoughts/words, btw

 

Your vaulted list of personal accomplishments, abilities and future plans are laudable if someone is looking for a business manager but has no relevance what so ever to the discussion.

 

actually, its relevance fell on the part of your post which generalized 25 yr old women. I was simply illustrating the fact that I am a 24 yr old who has no such motives. Also, age has nothing to do with motives in a relationship. There are plenty 40-something women who are after money too

 

However when there is a sense of competition or ambivalence it inspires women to work harder to make the "relationship" more secure.

 

Actually, it inspires me to become complacent and apathetic...but good job reading minds again and making generalizations about what women do

 

Lindya, I totally agree w/ this:

Both you and the poster who attacked Rex appear to have brought issues of your own into this. The intelligent approach would have been to seek further information from Rex in an effort to help him establish why he is feeling this way. Instead, you have made an astounding number of negative assumptions about his girlfriend.

 

DA, you also said this:

She has issued an ultimatum here, "I want this or..." though it is not stated what the or is the following phrase implies that she will leave if he does not agree to her terms, hence the emotional blackmail comment

 

There is no basis for saying that she issued an ultimatum, b/c the OP never said that his girlfriend said, "I want this, or else ___" That is completely different from having a conversation where someone simply says, "I want to be headed towards marriage within 5 years"....theres no ultimatum, she's just voicing her opinion on when she wants to have that sort of commitment.

 

I think you inferred that she did so, b/c of his following comment, about how he cant imagine life w/out her. I interpreted that as a separate thought. As in, 'She wants to be headed towards marriage in 5 years, but I'm scared about it....but I cant imagine life without her...I'm confused'

 

P.S. To all the women who choose to respond to my comments I would like to request that unless it is about you your personal history is irrelevant. See if you can respond without personally involving yourself into it. This is designed to be a rational discussion forum not a place for self-aggrandizement or attention whoring.

 

What's wrong with you?? Seriously.....are you the only person who can speak? Are you saying that none of your personal experiences form your opinions? Everyone's history has bearing on opinions, otherwise where would the opinion come from if you have nothing to base it on? I'm not sure why you have such a horrible attitude....its ugly and sad, really

 

So, back to the OP, some people just dont ever want to get married. If you dont see anything positive in it for you, then dont do it. Yes, your opinion might change within the next 5 years....or it might not. You seem a little uncomfortable with your opinions about the negative things you listed. Do you feel guilty for feeling that way?

 

Anyway, my point is, I hope that you are able to be more comfortable with what YOU want. If you dont want to marry, then tell her that you just dont see yourself doing it. Then its up to her to decide what she wants. Whether to stay w/ you unmarried, or find someone else. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to do it, dont let family or anyone else make you feel bad about it. I wish you all the best, and hope you keep posting

[lindya]

You are incorrect, the intelligent and proper thing is to accept the information as given and apply logic and reason to those facts. You will never have all the facts in any situation (if you did then the OP would not need to ask the question in the first place).

 

Start a new thread on effective methods of helping and advising, and I will respond there.