Sanch62 Posted May 27 Posted May 27 3 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Once again: what you need to be thinking about is your reaction to the behavior of those women, not their behavior. You’re getting outraged ... Yes, and how is this beneficial to you? It's like drinking poison and hoping it makes someone else get sick. You don't seem to understand that most people aren't even fractionally as invested in meeting a total stranger as you seem to be. So when you say that you're all about screening potential dates, you're not really. If so, you would have skipped the first one instead of meeting her, or you would have met her for a half hour or so and exited with an idea of whether you'll want to ask her out for a real date or not. Instead, you went along with upgrading the date to 4 hours and spending a lot of money--only to be told after the fact that she didn't see romance for the two of you. So you can be angry at dating sites and the people who use them, but that didn't serve you well in preventing yourself from being used by this woman. As for the second woman, it sounds like she may have intended to date you again, but she recognized some changes in you that she didn't like, and she wanted to get out of there. So what's up with that? If you could win a million dollars to figure out what has changed in your demeanor or health or looks since you last met her, could you win any of that money? I think you're making a smart choice to use quick coffee meets instead of dates. Meet first, ask yourself the right questions afterward. Consider anyone who won't meet up for a quick coffee to be meal-shopping instead of date-shopping, and skip them. And consider carefully why the chip on your shoulder doesn't serve you. It makes you double-down on indignation instead of learning how to invest less in strangers until they step up enough to no longer be a stranger. I really hope things work out wonderfully with the woman you're dating now. Fingers crossed for you! Head high.
Author Lamron300 Posted June 2 Author Posted June 2 On 5/27/2025 at 4:42 AM, Sanch62 said: Yes, and how is this beneficial to you? It's like drinking poison and hoping it makes someone else get sick. You don't seem to understand that most people aren't even fractionally as invested in meeting a total stranger as you seem to be. So when you say that you're all about screening potential dates, you're not really. If so, you would have skipped the first one instead of meeting her, or you would have met her for a half hour or so and exited with an idea of whether you'll want to ask her out for a real date or not. Instead, you went along with upgrading the date to 4 hours and spending a lot of money--only to be told after the fact that she didn't see romance for the two of you. So you can be angry at dating sites and the people who use them, but that didn't serve you well in preventing yourself from being used by this woman. As for the second woman, it sounds like she may have intended to date you again, but she recognized some changes in you that she didn't like, and she wanted to get out of there. So what's up with that? If you could win a million dollars to figure out what has changed in your demeanor or health or looks since you last met her, could you win any of that money? I think you're making a smart choice to use quick coffee meets instead of dates. Meet first, ask yourself the right questions afterward. Consider anyone who won't meet up for a quick coffee to be meal-shopping instead of date-shopping, and skip them. And consider carefully why the chip on your shoulder doesn't serve you. It makes you double-down on indignation instead of learning how to invest less in strangers until they step up enough to no longer be a stranger. I really hope things work out wonderfully with the woman you're dating now. Fingers crossed for you! Head high. Thank you for your response. A lot of it makes sense. I invest way too much in strangers. I think what made me angry about woman 1 is she was just meal shopping. I think I’m not judgmental enough and invest too much into strangers. For example, she didn’t look like her photos, but she didn’t look bad. Also I don’t think I will ever go on a date without some flirtation beforehand. As what does a woman mean when they say ‘ no romantic connection’ ? I have never felt a romantic connection after one date! Attraction is different. For example, the woman I am dating now, on date one, I joked I can read palms and she thought I was being serious and then I said nah I just wanted to touch your hand and we both laughed. It wasn’t a prepared line and because there was attraction it went down well. I could say the same thing to another woman and it go down like a lead balloon. What I am trying to say is what do people do to try form a romantic connection? I seem to get on well with women who have been single for a whole. The meal shoppers and multi daters not so well. I am trying to change my mentality, that’s why I’m not like ‘oh I’m dating someone now, so everything is fine’.
basil67 Posted June 2 Posted June 2 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Lamron300 said: As what does a woman mean when they say ‘ no romantic connection’ ? I have never felt a romantic connection after one date! Attraction is different. It means there is insufficient attraction to make romantic connection. AKA "She's just not that into you" Edited June 2 by basil67
FredEire Posted June 2 Posted June 2 On 5/27/2025 at 4:42 AM, Sanch62 said: Yes, and how is this beneficial to you? It's like drinking poison and hoping it makes someone else get sick. You don't seem to understand that most people aren't even fractionally as invested in meeting a total stranger as you seem to be. So when you say that you're all about screening potential dates, you're not really. If so, you would have skipped the first one instead of meeting her, or you would have met her for a half hour or so and exited with an idea of whether you'll want to ask her out for a real date or not. Instead, you went along with upgrading the date to 4 hours and spending a lot of money--only to be told after the fact that she didn't see romance for the two of you. So you can be angry at dating sites and the people who use them, but that didn't serve you well in preventing yourself from being used by this woman. As for the second woman, it sounds like she may have intended to date you again, but she recognized some changes in you that she didn't like, and she wanted to get out of there. So what's up with that? If you could win a million dollars to figure out what has changed in your demeanor or health or looks since you last met her, could you win any of that money? I think you're making a smart choice to use quick coffee meets instead of dates. Meet first, ask yourself the right questions afterward. Consider anyone who won't meet up for a quick coffee to be meal-shopping instead of date-shopping, and skip them. And consider carefully why the chip on your shoulder doesn't serve you. It makes you double-down on indignation instead of learning how to invest less in strangers until they step up enough to no longer be a stranger. I really hope things work out wonderfully with the woman you're dating now. Fingers crossed for you! Head high. I agree with this. Look, I don't think it's any secret that dating has taken a turn for the worse. Many people especially at our age have built walls ten miles high and are really more focused on their career or their cat or whatever and use OLD to find someone to "take them out" with no intention of ever seeing them again, and maybe the odd hookup. To preserve your sanity and open yourself to potentially meeting someone better you've got to try and just say "it is what it is" rather than getting mad, because in a way you're just adding fuel to the fire if you're meeting a flaky woman who's come in to the date expecting you'll be just another guy who'll disappoint her. I've kind of checked out of actively dating at this point, and I'm just looking at it from the perspective that if someone comes along who I'm attracted to and who is bothered making the investment in me then great, I'll take it from there. If I realise early on someone is an attention seeker or searching for flaws I won't waste any time on them and I won't waste my own time by getting mad. Spending a lot of time on people who aren't receptive probably makes you come across as desperate, you want to raise your bar. If they're not showing any effort delete the contact, shrug your shoulders and move on. 1
Sanch62 Posted June 3 Posted June 3 17 hours ago, Lamron300 said: As what does a woman mean when they say ‘ no romantic connection’ ? I have never felt a romantic connection after one date! Attraction is different. It's one way of saying she's not attracted enough to try to form a romantic connection. Quote For example, the woman I am dating now, on date one, I joked I can read palms and she thought I was being serious and then I said nah I just wanted to touch your hand and we both laughed. It wasn’t a prepared line and because there was attraction it went down well. I could say the same thing to another woman and it go down like a lead balloon. Good example of the difference between chemisty and no chemistry. Quote What I am trying to say is what do people do to try form a romantic connection? They meet to see if there's attraction and chemistry. If not, they don't try to form a romantic connection. If so, they continue dating and allow the connection to form on its own while they learn more about one another. Quote I seem to get on well with women who have been single for a whole. The meal shoppers and multi daters not so well. The whole point of setting up coffee meets is to screen out the meal shoppers. They usually won't meet for a mere coffee, so the problem is self-limiting.
Author Lamron300 Posted June 7 Author Posted June 7 On 6/2/2025 at 1:00 PM, FredEire said: I agree with this. Look, I don't think it's any secret that dating has taken a turn for the worse. Many people especially at our age have built walls ten miles high and are really more focused on their career or their cat or whatever and use OLD to find someone to "take them out" with no intention of ever seeing them again, and maybe the odd hookup. To preserve your sanity and open yourself to potentially meeting someone better you've got to try and just say "it is what it is" rather than getting mad, because in a way you're just adding fuel to the fire if you're meeting a flaky woman who's come in to the date expecting you'll be just another guy who'll disappoint her. I've kind of checked out of actively dating at this point, and I'm just looking at it from the perspective that if someone comes along who I'm attracted to and who is bothered making the investment in me then great, I'll take it from there. If I realise early on someone is an attention seeker or searching for flaws I won't waste any time on them and I won't waste my own time by getting mad. Spending a lot of time on people who aren't receptive probably makes you come across as desperate, you want to raise your bar. If they're not showing any effort delete the contact, shrug your shoulders and move on. You know what it’s like to be dating in your 30s as a man. It is very very difficult. You can’t win. 99% of the dating is actually done before the actual meet. I don’t believe people go into a date 100% open to something romantic (assuming they find you attractive to go on a date with). Then after 3/4 hours, they are not open to meeting up ever again. For example, about a year ago, I was speaking to a woman on an app, I then asked her out on a date, she said ‘yes, but I want to be honest, I’ve got a lot of things going on in my life right now, I’ve also got other dates lined up, so you may be waiting a while, if you’re willing to wait. I deleted her straight away. But my point is, that’s the kind of date that ends up with ‘no romantic connection line’. She was clearly not in a place to date and is online just for validation. Why not go on her other ‘dates’ before agreeing to more and wasting peoples time? She also had a kid, which I didn’t know about. Before I met the woman I’m dating now, I went on a date with a woman, was strange as she wanted to pay for everything. Anyway I asked her out again and she became flakey, canceling and then offered to go to a basketball game she had tickets to, not something which was planned or asked if I like. She then went quiet for days before popping up and saying ‘sorry I went awol’, like nothing happened. I obviously just ignored and ended the communication. The point I’m trying to make is it’s very hard to screen women out before a date and then a bad date or time wasted can be demoralizing. Many people are giving up on dating or exhausted. I’m dating someone now and it’s going ‘well’, why don’t I just ride off into the sunset? Because as we know with modern dating, there is always twists and turns. The last woman I dated in November/December, was crazy over me, getting me gifts, asking if we were bf/gf after date 3, asking to book holiday together. Then she had a ‘breakdown’ because she didn’t get the university grade she wanted and told me ‘she can’t do this anymore’ even though she was the one who was super keen. I’m more guarded now, I won’t go behind peoples back, but I’m trying to prepare my mentality to be able to move on quickly or eject before drama.
Author Lamron300 Posted June 7 Author Posted June 7 On 6/3/2025 at 1:21 AM, Sanch62 said: It's one way of saying she's not attracted enough to try to form a romantic connection. Good example of the difference between chemisty and no chemistry. They meet to see if there's attraction and chemistry. If not, they don't try to form a romantic connection. If so, they continue dating and allow the connection to form on its own while they learn more about one another. The whole point of setting up coffee meets is to screen out the meal shoppers. They usually won't meet for a mere coffee, so the problem is self-limiting. Very interesting point you make about chemistry and no chemistry, but I don’t believe in ‘chemistry’. For example, the woman I’m dating now says she feels so comfortable and safe and calm with me. Ex partners have also said this same phrase. However, they didn’t feel that way on day 1? It’s impossible. I have gone on dates with women who say they’re ‘picky’ which is completely different from having standards. Picky is someone looking for flaws or almost being deluded when you actually look at what they have to offer. On dates where I’ve felt comfortable or brave I’ve said let’s sit side by side instead of across the table like an interview. How can people form chemistry or attraction if fundamentals aren’t there? After 10 years of dating, I have no empathy. I don’t even care about sob stories as they always blow up in my face. As I said to Fred, a woman I went on a date with before the woman I’m currently dating, was very flakey. She would go days without responding and then pop up like nothing happened. Before we even went on a date I said to her, are you sure you’re ok to date? Her backstory is her partner of 9 years had cheated on her and they’d had a messy breakup and she kicked him out. She was also recovering from a gastric bypass surgery. She said yes she’s okay to date. Clearly she wasn’t, hence I ended the interactions after date 1. The point I’m trying to make is there are many mealshoppers out there, emotionally broken people etc, so chemistry has little to do with it as things are doomed before even starting. Unfortunately, you can’t tell these things till it’s too late.
FredEire Posted June 7 Posted June 7 26 minutes ago, Lamron300 said: You know what it’s like to be dating in your 30s as a man. It is very very difficult. You can’t win. 99% of the dating is actually done before the actual meet. I don’t believe people go into a date 100% open to something romantic (assuming they find you attractive to go on a date with). Then after 3/4 hours, they are not open to meeting up ever again. For example, about a year ago, I was speaking to a woman on an app, I then asked her out on a date, she said ‘yes, but I want to be honest, I’ve got a lot of things going on in my life right now, I’ve also got other dates lined up, so you may be waiting a while, if you’re willing to wait. I deleted her straight away. But my point is, that’s the kind of date that ends up with ‘no romantic connection line’. She was clearly not in a place to date and is online just for validation. Why not go on her other ‘dates’ before agreeing to more and wasting peoples time? She also had a kid, which I didn’t know about. Before I met the woman I’m dating now, I went on a date with a woman, was strange as she wanted to pay for everything. Anyway I asked her out again and she became flakey, canceling and then offered to go to a basketball game she had tickets to, not something which was planned or asked if I like. She then went quiet for days before popping up and saying ‘sorry I went awol’, like nothing happened. I obviously just ignored and ended the communication. The point I’m trying to make is it’s very hard to screen women out before a date and then a bad date or time wasted can be demoralizing. Many people are giving up on dating or exhausted. I’m dating someone now and it’s going ‘well’, why don’t I just ride off into the sunset? Because as we know with modern dating, there is always twists and turns. The last woman I dated in November/December, was crazy over me, getting me gifts, asking if we were bf/gf after date 3, asking to book holiday together. Then she had a ‘breakdown’ because she didn’t get the university grade she wanted and told me ‘she can’t do this anymore’ even though she was the one who was super keen. I’m more guarded now, I won’t go behind peoples back, but I’m trying to prepare my mentality to be able to move on quickly or eject before drama. Yeah I wouldn't have any tolerance either for stuff like checklist dating or making you "wait because they have others line up". I want to meet someone who I have good chemistry with and a great time together, not someone who dating is basically a full time job. You can look at it this way, maybe in your 20s the s*** relationships where you are basically bag-handling for your neurotic wife and picking up the pieces after her mental breakdowns don't start like that, at the beginning they're all sunshine and roses and they develop into that. Now these people are set in their patterns so they show you who they are straight off and it's easier to avoid. Still by everything you've said I think it's as important for you to figure out what you actually want as to avoid what you don't want. You seem more focused on what could go wrong than what could go right. 1
Sanch62 Posted June 7 Posted June 7 8 hours ago, Lamron300 said: Very interesting point you make about chemistry and no chemistry, but I don’t believe in ‘chemistry’. That's fine. You don't need to believe in gravity, either. It operates with or without your appreciation, so there's no need to figure it out. You can simply decide whenever you share a coffee with someone whether you like them enough to follow up with an invitation for a real date, or not. The 'why' doesn't have to matter. Odds are, most people will NOT be a good match. That's not cynical or disadvantageous, it's natural selection. If you can grasp that, it's very liberating, because it allows you to go with your own flow of using discretion without investing too much focus and suffering unnecessary disappointment. Just as most people will NOT become one of our closest friends, same is true of dating. It doesn't speak badly of anyone that you can enjoy certain acquaintances or occasional friends that meet certain needs, but you'll only select very few rare people in your lifetime to bond with closely for any length of time. I don't view any of my neighbors or acquaintances or occasional friends as 'fails' just because I have limits on my closest inner circle. They didn't disappoint me. We're just not equipped to bond intensely with everyone we meet. So if you want to view every non-match as a catastrophe or a huge depressing disappointment, you can do that. It's not against the law. It just doesn't serve your disposition, your outlook, or your ability to adopt resilience in dating as a needle-in-the-haystack pursuit. You can either keep weeding out what you don't want until you strike the right match, or you can belabor every encounter with those who don't work out and sink yourself into trying to find or discredit theories or philosophies to justify spinning and feeling lousy. It's a decision. I vote for resilience. You can opt for whatever you want. 1
Sanch62 Posted June 7 Posted June 7 (edited) 8 hours ago, FredEire said: I think it's as important for you to figure out what you actually want as to avoid what you don't want. You seem more focused on what could go wrong than what could go right. Yes! This simplifies everything. It allows your focus to gravitate toward what you DO want while nixing what you don't want as barely making your radar. It's natural to move toward pleasure and away from pain. When someone behaves in ways that raises doubts or turns you off, it's not a big deal--just stop engaging with them and move your focus toward the next possible match. Our time is our own to enjoy or waste. Getting hung up on wasting it and then bemoaning that only prolongs the waste. Edited June 7 by Sanch62
FredEire Posted June 7 Posted June 7 12 minutes ago, Sanch62 said: That's fine. You don't need to believe in gravity, either. It operates with or without your appreciation, so there's no need to figure it out. You can simply decide whenever you share a coffee with someone whether you like them enough to follow up with an invitation for a real date, or not. The 'why' doesn't have to matter. Odds are, most people will NOT be a good match. That's not cynical or disadvantageous, it's natural selection. If you can grasp that, it's very liberating, because it allows you to go with your own flow of using discretion without investing too much focus and suffering unnecessary disappointment. Just as most people will NOT become one of our closest friends, same is true of dating. It doesn't speak badly of anyone that you can enjoy certain acquaintances or occasional friends that meet certain needs, but you'll only select very few rare people in your lifetime to bond with closely for any length of time. I don't view any of my neighbors or acquaintances or occasional friends as 'fails' just because I have limits on my closest inner circle. They didn't disappoint me. We're just not equipped to bond intensely with everyone we meet. So if you want to view every non-match as a catastrophe or a huge depressing disappointment, you can do that. It's not against the law. It just doesn't serve your disposition, your outlook, or your ability to adopt resilience in dating as a needle-in-the-haystack pursuit. You can either keep weeding out what you don't want until you strike the right match, or you can belabor every encounter with those who don't work out and sink yourself into trying to find or discredit theories or philosophies to justify spinning and feeling lousy. It's a decision. I vote for resilience. You can opt for whatever you want. There's a degree of difference in dating I think in that it's much more common for people to just act straight up lousy or crazy. I usually make friends quite easily and when I invite people out to do something it's quite straightforward and they usually say yes, even if we don't end up becoming bff's. There's a lot of people now especially on the apps who are flaky or straight up rude. For example a girl I met recently who texted me after the date saying she had a great time (I enjoyed her company as well), we kept talking but then when I got on to her about meeting up again, she just straight up ignored it. OP seems to have come across that type a few times if his stories are accurate. It's frustrating and frustratingly common but it's about the way you frame it. Rather than internalising it and getting mad just think of it as it's a shame that they weren't able to communicate like an adult, but that's her problem not mine. We move on.
FredEire Posted June 7 Posted June 7 9 minutes ago, Sanch62 said: Yes! This simplifies everything. It allows your focus to gravitate toward what you DO want while nixing what you don't want as barely making your radar. It's natural to move toward pleasure and away from pain. When someone behaves in ways that raises doubts or turns you off, it's not a big deal--just stop engaging with them and move your focus toward the next possible match. Our time is our own to enjoy or waste. Getting hung up on wasting it and then bemoaning that only prolongs the waste. Yeah an OP admits himself that he drags things out with people who he already knows aren't suitable. If you do that it's not on them, it's on you. I think there is a tendency for people to do this if they are lonely and want some company or connection in their life. But the company of someone who is wrong for you ends up far lonelier than if you can learn to genuinely enjoy your own company. 1
Sanch62 Posted June 7 Posted June 7 Just now, FredEire said: ... It's frustrating and frustratingly common but it's about the way you frame it. Rather than internalising it and getting mad just think of it as it's a shame that they weren't able to communicate like an adult, but that's her problem not mine. We move on. Exactly. Nobody is a flake magnet; we ALL encounter those. We also ALL get rejected, and the more actively we pursue dating, the more often it happens. Those are natural odds. Wading through those experiences is easier for some, difficult for others, but WE get to decide how difficult we want to make this for ourselves. Yes, lots of people are odd. They are NOT your match. That's all you need to know. If you want to belabor every rejection to come up with some kind of formula that will help you to figure out exactly what caused the shift in this other person so you can avoid the experience again, good luck with that. People are freaky--just drive on some highways, and decide whether you want to pull over and dwell on every time someone else is rude or crazy. You can do that. Or, you can keep moving to reach your own destination without allowing other people too much head space. This isn't tragic, it isn't magic, and it doesn't require special powers of attraction. It's just a decision to keep driving forward, and you'll be surprised by how well you learn to navigate as long as you stop pulling over to ruminate.
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