How to avoid problems and start a relationship

[Lamron300]

Hi,

Ive been pondering on this post for many months. I’ve posted infrequently in the past and got some good advice or at least constructive criticism. 
 

I will try and keep this short and not veer to different topics. I am 31(male). I have been dating properly since 21, using online dating only. For good reason I am skeptical/wary of people. When I was 19 I got into a long distance relationship with a girl from America (I’m from UK) I booked tickets to see her in New York. She cheated on me with her ex, which I only found out through asking questions on tumblr anonymously when I had suspicions. Went to NY to see her after and nothing was the same, never did long distance again. Fast forward to a relationship I had between 2018 and 2019 she was in love and texting her ex the whole relationship, even her own mum called her a skank. Kicked her out and that was that. A new Relationship I had from 2020-2023 January exactly the same thing happened. 
 

It changed my mindset of always feeling victimized and i said going forward I wouldn’t put trust in people. I was dating multiple people at once last year and I felt vindicated? But I felt unsettled as it’s not what I wanted but a defence mechanism. I want to meet someone and settle down and have kids but feels so far away as I can never get the base right. I blamed online dating as anyone can go on it and you need to have strong resolve to not get distracted by ‘the attention’ received. 
 

What has plagued me in recent months is really thinking on what people say to me. For example, I don’t date smokers and someone after months of dating said to me ‘what if I just had one smoke in a year or every 6 months’. I got annoyed as again I felt someone was trying to force (even hypothetically) something I don’t want. I don’t have to date smokers, when we met you said you don’t smoke. So don’t ask that. Also with kids, there isn’t a timeline but my ex of 3 years (who I never asked about kids) wouldn’t even allow the subject to be brought up. She told me she hated kids. 

I want to meet people organically, however, when I go to church or gym etc I don’t feel it appropriate to speak to women in that context. I feel like I’ve met the same person over and over again. That’s why I’m looking at myself now and thinking what is it about me? I don’t naturally tolerate the things I don’t like so why does it manifest. 

I’m not perfect but I am 100% genuine and open to something serious if someone is also likeminded. I’m open to compromise on some things but others are absolute. For example, bearing in mind my history, I don’t like people talking about their ex let alone talking to their ex. I accept everyone has a past but then it makes me defensive. It’s not insecurity in I don’t think ooh this person will steal this person from me, but it makes me feel uncomfortable and when I haven’t trusted someone in the past I’ve always been right. Always. 

I don’t know how to proceed going forward and don’t want to get caught up and distracted by causal things. I’ve tried to speak to partners about some of this stuff in the past but it has only emboldened them to do the things they were doing. That’s why I feel I can only talk to strangers on a forum. 

How can I meet the right person, in the right setting and without this defensiveness I always feel?
 

 

[FredEire]

There's a saying that "the perfect is the enemy of the good". If you spend all your time mentally plotting what you want to happen it'll probably just result that nothing will happen, or at least nothing worthwhile.

I sometimes have a habit of ruminating on "the one that got away", and how great things would have been if a couple of things in my past had worked out differently.

The problem is I don't know that, nobody knows what the future holds and if you have in image in your mind of how things should go nothing will live up to that image. You have to let what needs to happen happen.

[Lamron300]

43 minutes ago, FredEire said:

There's a saying that "the perfect is the enemy of the good". If you spend all your time mentally plotting what you want to happen it'll probably just result that nothing will happen, or at least nothing worthwhile.

I sometimes have a habit of ruminating on "the one that got away", and how great things would have been if a couple of things in my past had worked out differently.

The problem is I don't know that, nobody knows what the future holds and if you have in image in your mind of how things should go nothing will live up to that image. You have to let what needs to happen happen.

I get what you mean and im on board with that. But how are you actually meeting people? If I went down the same road and got a parking ticket ten times you would say I’m crazy, right? I feel with OLD I am getting the same results (not to dissimilar from other people). Then it feels like you have to pick from just those options (if you have any).

When I say what I want (kids, healthy lifestyle etc) I don’t mean I expect to meet someone and everything is magical, however, I’m always meeting the exact opposite of what I want. Or people will even sometimes try and tell me what I want is wrong! 
 

I feel if you don’t have convictions, people will try make you live the life they want you to live (location, job, etc etc). 

[FredEire]

17 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I get what you mean and im on board with that. But how are you actually meeting people? If I went down the same road and got a parking ticket ten times you would say I’m crazy, right? I feel with OLD I am getting the same results (not to dissimilar from other people). Then it feels like you have to pick from just those options (if you have any).

When I say what I want (kids, healthy lifestyle etc) I don’t mean I expect to meet someone and everything is magical, however, I’m always meeting the exact opposite of what I want. Or people will even sometimes try and tell me what I want is wrong! 
 

I feel if you don’t have convictions, people will try make you live the life they want you to live (location, job, etc etc). 

At the moment I'm still using OLD but I'm going to a lot of meetup events and making new connections through that.

I agree most people's life partner isn't going to be on Tinder, Bumble or Hinge. The apps are getting worse and worse.

[Lamron300]

3 hours ago, blueskies said:

Don't put so much pressure on yourself and just let your dating evolve naturally.  HAVE FUN, be light hearted, be yourself, and above all the open minded to new experiences and things.  It seems that you have so many constraints (personal ones) that are holding you back. Don't be your own worst enemy.  Everyone is different in terms what they like or don't like, how they see the world, their opinions on a variety of topics so embrace the NEW.  

When I was early 20s it was fun, now it just feels daunting and I’m skeptical of people and their intentions etc. People have different views etc and I don’t want to force anyone to have my view etc, but I want them to voice that in discussion so we can both move on. 
 

For example, there are people I’ve probably got along with 80% but I’m thinking that the 20% is critical. Like I run two businesses and I can’t just move out of town as client base is here, people have expected that to happen if relationship progressed. I’m not as close with my family as some people are with theirs, so people can try pressure me to introduce them as they want to introduce me to their family. It’s not about being stubborn, it’s about being accepted for my current state. 

 

[Lamron300]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

At the moment I'm still using OLD but I'm going to a lot of meetup events and making new connections through that.

I agree most people's life partner isn't going to be on Tinder, Bumble or Hinge. The apps are getting worse and worse.

This is what depresses me. I’m 31. For example, today has been very stressful. I run my own business and there is always thing’s happening. I’d be in no state to go out today. So I fluctuate to hinge (bumble and tinder don’t even work for me as most profiles are fake or little users in my area). Then what are the chances of finding someone with the same priorities at the same age as me on an app? I consider myself ‘good looking’, successful etc but these apps are literally like a beauty pageant and hard to find someone genuine. I don’t judge people but that’s also got me to this place as I’ve dated or been on dates with people who have too many psychological issues to the point the relationship could never work.
 

I’ve just stopped speaking to a woman i went on two dates with as she is exactly the opposite of what I want, yet I still accepted two dates and didn’t say no to the third? She was very scary. She spoke all night about ‘vibes’ ‘evil eye’ not having a job and not wanting one, her stepdad cursing her, this ex doing that, this ex doing this. I said to her do you even know my name? (She didn’t) and she thought it was  a joke. My point is; I do the exact opposite to the things I need to do if I want to meet someone suitable. I have no idea why. I think it’s because on apps sometimes I feel a date is better than no date. But it isn’t as I’m burnt out. 

 

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

This is what depresses me. I’m 31. For example, today has been very stressful. I run my own business and there is always thing’s happening. I’d be in no state to go out today. So I fluctuate to hinge (bumble and tinder don’t even work for me as most profiles are fake or little users in my area). Then what are the chances of finding someone with the same priorities at the same age as me on an app? I consider myself ‘good looking’, successful etc but these apps are literally like a beauty pageant and hard to find someone genuine. I don’t judge people but that’s also got me to this place as I’ve dated or been on dates with people who have too many psychological issues to the point the relationship could never work.
 

I’ve just stopped speaking to a woman i went on two dates with as she is exactly the opposite of what I want, yet I still accepted two dates and didn’t say no to the third? She was very scary. She spoke all night about ‘vibes’ ‘evil eye’ not having a job and not wanting one, her stepdad cursing her, this ex doing that, this ex doing this. I said to her do you even know my name? (She didn’t) and she thought it was  a joke. My point is; I do the exact opposite to the things I need to do if I want to meet someone suitable. I have no idea why. I think it’s because on apps sometimes I feel a date is better than no date. But it isn’t as I’m burnt out. 

 

Time to change your approach then.

I'm 31 also. The good news is that's still quite young in today's world. Most of my friends are single, a couple got engaged recently but generally things move a lot slower than our parents generation when people would hop into a marriage in their early/mid 20s.

It seems like for a lot of people now your 20s are spend being daft and making lots of silly mistakes and bad habits. I'm viewing my 30s as a time to step back and say ok, a lot of that didn't work and I'm in the final years of my youth, what do I do now? Repeating the same mistakes isn't going to help.

[FredEire]

22 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

When I was early 20s it was fun, now it just feels daunting and I’m skeptical of people and their intentions etc. People have different views etc and I don’t want to force anyone to have my view etc, but I want them to voice that in discussion so we can both move on. 
 

For example, there are people I’ve probably got along with 80% but I’m thinking that the 20% is critical. Like I run two businesses and I can’t just move out of town as client base is here, people have expected that to happen if relationship progressed. I’m not as close with my family as some people are with theirs, so people can try pressure me to introduce them as they want to introduce me to their family. It’s not about being stubborn, it’s about being accepted for my current state. 

 

I know what you mean. I meet very few women I have the kind of chemistry with that I'd consider them girlfriend material. It seems daunting/nigh on impossible to meet someone like that who is also into you, physically attractive/have the same goals/mentally stable/compatible etc etc.

But look, people do make that connection all the time, no matter how unlikely it seems. People also settle for someone who's "ok" in their book, I'm not going to do that. And that may mean I end up by myself at the end of the day, but you know what? That's fine. I think you have to be fine with it and accept things as they currently are in order to let things happen naturally. The more you try to fight it the further away from satisfaction you become.

The overall tone of your posts is that worry and stress are getting in your way. Is meeting the right person really hard? Absolutely. But f*** it, it's not in your control, so you might as well enjoy the ride.

[Lamron300]

27 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I know what you mean. I meet very few women I have the kind of chemistry with that I'd consider them girlfriend material. It seems daunting/nigh on impossible to meet someone like that who is also into you, physically attractive/have the same goals/mentally stable/compatible etc etc.

But look, people do make that connection all the time, no matter how unlikely it seems. People also settle for someone who's "ok" in their book, I'm not going to do that. And that may mean I end up by myself at the end of the day, but you know what? That's fine. I think you have to be fine with it and accept things as they currently are in order to let things happen naturally. The more you try to fight it the further away from satisfaction you become.

The overall tone of your posts is that worry and stress are getting in your way. Is meeting the right person really hard? Absolutely. But f*** it, it's not in your control, so you might as well enjoy the ride.

Yes so you understand what I mean. The only reason I worry is not that I’m desperate for a relationship, as it needs to be right relationship, I just don’t even know how to get into a position it may happen. I’ve signed up to meetup events but being sick/ always working I miss stuff. I also don’t want to do a particular hobby in hope of meeting women ( like my friend did yoga, when he met no one he quit). 
 

I want to be open minded but also not to just ‘settle’. I think I see a relationship as excitement and life in 30s especially when running a business can be mundane. I put so much energy and focus on it. Even casual things can be stressful as when you catch someone in a lie, regardless of nature of relationship it can’t be hard to take. 

I also want to be a person who can bounce back from setbacks quicker and  OLD is part of the problem. For example, my ex from 2020-2023, I had a lot of issues with her and one small reason I didn’t end things sooner was the daunting feeling of going back on OLD. I feel If I had a better social life, I’d at least be able to eject quicker when I think things have gone sour. 

[FredEire]

44 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Yes so you understand what I mean. The only reason I worry is not that I’m desperate for a relationship, as it needs to be right relationship, I just don’t even know how to get into a position it may happen. I’ve signed up to meetup events but being sick/ always working I miss stuff. I also don’t want to do a particular hobby in hope of meeting women ( like my friend did yoga, when he met no one he quit). 
 

I want to be open minded but also not to just ‘settle’. I think I see a relationship as excitement and life in 30s especially when running a business can be mundane. I put so much energy and focus on it. Even casual things can be stressful as when you catch someone in a lie, regardless of nature of relationship it can’t be hard to take. 

I also want to be a person who can bounce back from setbacks quicker and  OLD is part of the problem. For example, my ex from 2020-2023, I had a lot of issues with her and one small reason I didn’t end things sooner was the daunting feeling of going back on OLD. I feel If I had a better social life, I’d at least be able to eject quicker when I think things have gone sour. 

You seem to be very focussed on the worst case scenario, and you see a relationship as a "way out" of your mundane work life.

I think it's generally true that good relationships find you when you are happy and having a good time, rather than searching through a lack of something.

People gravitate towards other people with a sense of carefree fun who they feel is going to enhance their life rather than burden them with a responsibility. Women in particular can smell desperation a mile off.

I know you say you're not desperate, maybe you're past that 20s vibe of being desperate to get laid. I know I am - I haven't had sex in about 4 months and I couldn't care less, I'm in no rush. But you still seem to be reaching for something you've maybe idealised a bit in your head.

So all that being said maybe the question is how can you make your life more fun and adventurous? I know with a pretty intensive work life it can be tricky but there's always ways you can work on it.

[Lamron300]

19 minutes ago, FredEire said:

You seem to be very focussed on the worst case scenario, and you see a relationship as a "way out" of your mundane work life.

I know you say you're not desperate, maybe you're past that 20s vibe of being desperate to get laid. I know I am - I haven't had sex in about 4 months and I couldn't care less, I'm in no rush. But you still seem to be reaching for something you've maybe idealised a bit in your head.

So all that being said maybe the question is how can you make your life more fun and adventurous? I know with a pretty intensive work life it can be tricky but there's always ways you can work on it.

I think you pretty much get what I am saying? Like I’m not crazy right regarding not liking people talking to their ex? Not because of jealousy but for the reasons I said. So as you said I’m stressed out and defensive which isn’t the best way to be when trying to meet someone. 

I think it’s not even about getting out of a ‘mundane’ life (although it partly is). I just don’t want to deal with some of the things I’ve dealt with (we all have dealt with). Like losing trust in someone I realised is one of the worst feelings ever. Hence you want to find a good relationship and be done with dating. 
 

As you said it feels like a bigger deal from not being very social (living with ex gfs made me more reclusive as I forgot to socialize) to now in my 30s basically trying to find a new social life. I have one good friend who lives close to me, my other friends live in London and are always travelling. I want to go to meetup events and make new friends but again you don’t just want to be friends with ‘anyone’.

i have been on dates or dated people I haven’t been 100% into (maybe lifestyle issues, looks etc) and I don’t know why. I think I need to get used to being single and single meaning single and not just talking to anyone for the sake of it. 

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I think you pretty much get what I am saying? Like I’m not crazy right regarding not liking people talking to their ex? Not because of jealousy but for the reasons I said. So as you said I’m stressed out and defensive which isn’t the best way to be when trying to meet someone. 

I think it’s not even about getting out of a ‘mundane’ life (although it partly is). I just don’t want to deal with some of the things I’ve dealt with (we all have dealt with). Like losing trust in someone I realised is one of the worst feelings ever. Hence you want to find a good relationship and be done with dating. 
 

As you said it feels like a bigger deal from not being very social (living with ex gfs made me more reclusive as I forgot to socialize) to now in my 30s basically trying to find a new social life. I have one good friend who lives close to me, my other friends live in London and are always travelling. I want to go to meetup events and make new friends but again you don’t just want to be friends with ‘anyone’.

i have been on dates or dated people I haven’t been 100% into (maybe lifestyle issues, looks etc) and I don’t know why. I think I need to get used to being single and single meaning single and not just talking to anyone for the sake of it. 

Yeah I'm completely understand. I think you're just coming at it from a lens of negativity, focusing on the negatives. Generally you get back what you put in.

Everyone's had negative relationship experiences but the next woman you meet is a blank slate, she doesn't deserve instant suspicion.

[Acacia98]

On 3/12/2025 at 8:38 PM, Lamron300 said:

I also want to be a person who can bounce back from setbacks quicker and  OLD is part of the problem. For example, my ex from 2020-2023, I had a lot of issues with her and one small reason I didn’t end things sooner was the daunting feeling of going back on OLD. I feel If I had a better social life, I’d at least be able to eject quicker when I think things have gone sour. 

I have a feeling you would be in more control of your situation and, therefore, more relaxed about dating and making new friends if you were better at reading people and, therefore, at identifying incompatibilities and red flags earlier. You see, you'd be able to avoid problematic situations altogether or walk away from them before you had invested a lot of time, energy, and emotions. That would help you avoid getting burnt out or feeling so fed up of the entire dating scene. 

I'd suggest that maybe you take time off dating and focus on doing stuff that will help you become more self-aware and better at reading other people. If you can afford it, therapy can help. Another thing I've found useful is diving into high-quality books and videos about relationships and various aspects of psychology.

[Lamron300]

On 3/12/2025 at 7:03 PM, FredEire said:

Yeah I'm completely understand. I think you're just coming at it from a lens of negativity, focusing on the negatives. Generally you get back what you put in.

Everyone's had negative relationship experiences but the next woman you meet is a blank slate, she doesn't deserve instant suspicion.

But do you feel more optimistic or less optimistic than when you were 21? I feel a lot less optimistic. I accidentally went back through ten years of dating history when I was looking through emails this morning. I could see no real pattern except there were pre-existing conditions that made the ‘relationships’ were doomed from the start. Also, I have a new account on hinge and now I’m getting more matches which shows that it’s all to do with an algorithm. I don’t really want to leave finding someone to an algorithm. I want to be natural, but it’s hard to be relaxed. I stayed in things too long in the past for fear of not having anything at all, which is the wrong mentality. 

[Lamron300]

On 3/14/2025 at 8:10 AM, Acacia98 said:

I have a feeling you would be in more control of your situation and, therefore, more relaxed about dating and making new friends if you were better at reading people and, therefore, at identifying incompatibilities and red flags earlier. You see, you'd be able to avoid problematic situations altogether or walk away from them before you had invested a lot of time, energy, and emotions. That would help you avoid getting burnt out or feeling so fed up of the entire dating scene. 

I'd suggest that maybe you take time off dating and focus on doing stuff that will help you become more self-aware and better at reading other people. If you can afford it, therapy can help. Another thing I've found useful is diving into high-quality books and videos about relationships and various aspects of psychology.

The problem is people’s red flags aren’t always obvious. For example with my most toxic ex when we first met she was independent, had a managerial job, was pleasant and appeared thoughtful. Then when I decided to open my business (I hadn’t even made one penny) she changed. She all of a sudden wanted to quit her job of ten years and work for me.. doing what? 
 

I went on two dates with a woman last week and she was genuinely insane. Apart from the fact she repeated herself word for word on both dates, all she talked about was ‘paths’ ‘ soul tribes’ ‘ last date strangled her’ ‘ her ex took all her money’ ‘stepdad cursed her’. I said to her do you even know my name? She didn’t. It is my fault for indulging stuff like that. It’s an extreme example but as you’ve said I have seen red flags in people and not reacted.

I went to 14 therapy sessions last year, they didn’t help. Maybe the therapist was bad, maybe CBT therapy wasn’t for me. 

[basil67]

What was the goal of your therapy?  

 

On 3/12/2025 at 9:47 PM, Lamron300 said:

For example, I don’t date smokers and someone after months of dating said to me ‘what if I just had one smoke in a year or every 6 months’. I got annoyed as again I felt someone was trying to force (even hypothetically) something I don’t want. I don’t have to date smokers, when we met you said you don’t smoke. So don’t ask that.

You do not want to have conversations about things which you don't want as part of your life.  Such conversations make you feel pressured

On 3/12/2025 at 9:47 PM, Lamron300 said:

Also with kids, there isn’t a timeline but my ex of 3 years (who I never asked about kids) wouldn’t even allow the subject to be brought up. She told me she hated kids. 

Do you realise she's exactly the same as you?   Refusing to have a conversation about things which she doesn't want as  part her of her life.  She doesn't want to feel pressured

 

 

[Lamron300]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

What was the goal of your therapy?  

 

You do not want to have conversations about things which you don't want as part of your life.  Such conversations make you feel pressured

Do you realise she's exactly the same as you?   Refusing to have a conversation about things which she doesn't want as  part her of her life.  She doesn't want to feel pressured

 

 

How is it the same? I wouldn’t date a smoker and I’m upfront with that. I wouldn’t have a conversation about it as it wouldn’t happen. And if someone I lied about it then I would end things.

In terms of therapy, I was looking to understand why I don’t fill fulfilled and always seem to be searching for something. Business is pretty good, stability is pretty good but still not happy. Even with dating, in my head it feels like I’ve dated no one, which isn’t true. Over last 18 months dated quite a few people, some haven’t worked out for various reasons but that’s life. But in my head I see things a lot worse than they are. 

Edited March 16 by Lamron300

[Acacia98]

22 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

The problem is people’s red flags aren’t always obvious. For example with my most toxic ex when we first met she was independent, had a managerial job, was pleasant and appeared thoughtful. Then when I decided to open my business (I hadn’t even made one penny) she changed. She all of a sudden wanted to quit her job of ten years and work for me.. doing what? 
 

I went on two dates with a woman last week and she was genuinely insane. Apart from the fact she repeated herself word for word on both dates, all she talked about was ‘paths’ ‘ soul tribes’ ‘ last date strangled her’ ‘ her ex took all her money’ ‘stepdad cursed her’. I said to her do you even know my name? She didn’t. It is my fault for indulging stuff like that. It’s an extreme example but as you’ve said I have seen red flags in people and not reacted.

I went to 14 therapy sessions last year, they didn’t help. Maybe the therapist was bad, maybe CBT therapy wasn’t for me. 

Yes. That's why I suggest taking time off dating and reading more books and watching more videos on the subject. None of us knows everything, so there's always room to learn more. And the more you learn, the better you become at reading people.

But it's true that some things are so subtle that you won't even notice them when they happen. It's only after a considerable time that you realize that a certain cute quirk or seemingly innocuous personality trait was a warning sign. 

I'm curious about the woman you refer to as your most toxic ex. Maybe if you described your earliest communications and dates to us, someone would notice something that could have helped you recognize her issues earlier. Or maybe not. 🙂

About therapy, you may be right. Perhaps CBT isn't for you. Or maybe the specific therapist wasn't for you.

You know some of the things that have helped me become better at understanding myself and other people? Reading a popular psychology book about adult children of alcoholics, reading about attachment styles, reading about authoritarian parenting, reading and watching different materials about personality disorders, reading about depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, reading about healthy parenting, reading about communication in healthy relationships...

Edited March 16 by Acacia98

[Lamron300]

35 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Yes. That's why I suggest taking time off dating and reading more books and watching more videos on the subject. None of us knows everything, so there's always room to learn more. And the more you learn, the better you become at reading people.

But it's true that some things are so subtle that you won't even notice them when they happen. It's only after a considerable time that you realize that a certain cute quirk or seemingly innocuous personality trait was a warning sign. 

I'm curious about the woman you refer to as your most toxic ex. Maybe if you described your earliest communications and dates to us, someone would notice something that could have helped you recognize her issues earlier. Or maybe not. 🙂

 

Yes you are right. There were signs early on for example when we first started living together in 2020 (in my house, me paying mortgage) she claimed I snored and would get super super upset to the point I had to sleep on the couch with my dog. She would cry and start arguments easily over anything. In hindsight I would’ve ended the relationship a lot earlier but I felt bad to kick her out, final straw is when I found out she was cheating with her ex. 

A lot of issues I have accumulated are due to lack of trust and it’s ruining my dating life. I can’t feel settled as I feel I always need to have a backup in case someone is dishonest against me. In the process I am dishonest against them. 
 

I also waste my own time and other people’s time by going against my own criteria. For example, I want to have kids so I don’t know why I would speak with people who don’t (in hope they may change their minds). I’m a person of faith but then too worried to try find someone at church etc. I want someone who lives relatively close as I don’t want to uproot my life but have dated people 2 hour drive away. It’s not about being rigid, but I feel I’m one of the only people dating the opposite to what I want.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

How is it the same? I wouldn’t date a smoker and I’m upfront with that. I wouldn’t have a conversation about it as it wouldn’t happen. And if someone I lied about it then I would end things.

It's the same because neither of you will have a conversation about something you're not willing to entertain.  But you criticise her for doing exactly what you did

Out of curiosity, did you see the two cigarettes a year woman as a good option before she asked the question?   

Quote

In my head I see things a lot worse than they are. 

Honestly, this is also how your writing sounds.   Unfortunately, this likely limits your ability to attract women, because pretty much everyone wants a partner who's positive in attitude.

Edited March 16 by basil67

[Lamron300]

33 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's the same because neither of you will have a conversation about something you're not willing to entertain.  But you criticise her for doing exactly what you did

Out of curiosity, did you see the two cigarettes a year woman as a good option before she asked the question?   

Honestly, this is also how your writing sounds.   Unfortunately, this likely limits your ability to attract women, because pretty much everyone wants a partner who's positive in attitude.

No it’s not exactly the same as I tell people upfront I don’t date smokers and swipe left on a profile if it says they do smoke. That’s different from someone not even entertaining the idea of having kids whilst in a relationship. I wanted to buy a 3 bedroom house (with my own money) and she said why 3 bedrooms?! What are you planning?! Like I was committing a crime. The two cigarettes a year woman said it was a hypothetical question but it damaged my image of her. She was keen on us getting married if things go well, it’s not the cigarette comment in itself, what I don’t want is to go far down the line with someone and then when they feel ‘secure’ things change. In the past, I’ve only seen people’s real colours when we’ve lived together. 
 

In terms of positivity, yes I agree I’m not feeling positive about dating. I am attracting people but not what I ultimately want. What I mean by that is I know what I want in people but I go on online dating, get discouraged and then compromise on what I want then get surprised when things don’t work out.

[FredEire]

On 3/15/2025 at 9:06 AM, Lamron300 said:

But do you feel more optimistic or less optimistic than when you were 21? I feel a lot less optimistic. I accidentally went back through ten years of dating history when I was looking through emails this morning. I could see no real pattern except there were pre-existing conditions that made the ‘relationships’ were doomed from the start. Also, I have a new account on hinge and now I’m getting more matches which shows that it’s all to do with an algorithm. I don’t really want to leave finding someone to an algorithm. I want to be natural, but it’s hard to be relaxed. I stayed in things too long in the past for fear of not having anything at all, which is the wrong mentality. 

Personally a lot more optimistic. When I was 21 I was still a virgin, desperately low self-esteem, I was actually getting a fair bit of interest and compliments for my looks etc but I thought so little of myself I thought these girls were probably just being nice etc and had no idea how to act on it.

10 years on I've lived a lot more, I've made a whole lot of mistakes and I've learned a whole lot of lessons about all kinds of relationship and I feel like it's set me up well to have much better go at a healthy, happy one when I meet the right person. It's just meeting that person that's a challenge.

I think you need to forget about your age. It's natural in your 30s to feel like youre short on time etc but you're not 51, the landscape hasn't changed that much yet, you've still got time as things stand to meet someone, get to know them, start a family etc. But you have to accept where you are, flow and enjoy it, nothing good is going to come from going into things with a stressful energy.

[FredEire]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's the same because neither of you will have a conversation about something you're not willing to entertain.  But you criticise her for doing exactly what you did

Out of curiosity, did you see the two cigarettes a year woman as a good option before she asked the question?   

Honestly, this is also how your writing sounds.   Unfortunately, this likely limits your ability to attract women, because pretty much everyone wants a partner who's positive in attitude.

I agree, I think personally it sounds like the two cigarettes a year girl wasn't being entirely serious, she most likely found you a bit rigid and inflexible in your outlook and wanted to test how open-minded you were and how much you could flow with things in general.

That's not to say you should date a smoker if that's something that's a big no-no for you. But I know personally when some girl comes to me with a big laundry list of requirements and wants to put me through my paces so to speak it feels very dehumanising and is quite unattractive, it's the same for most people I'd imagine.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

The two cigarettes a year woman said it was a hypothetical question but it damaged my image of her. She was keen on us getting married if things go well,

And I ask again, did you see a future with this woman?  And was it this single question which killed the relationship?  

Quote

it’s not the cigarette comment in itself, what I don’t want is to go far down the line with someone and then when they feel ‘secure’ things change.

OK, so you have two choices:  Give up dating now, or accept that people change and (with the exception of bad behaviour) learn to go with it.    Are you still exactly the same as you were when you were 21?   I certainly hope not

The fact that someone enters a partnership doesn't mean they aren't going to try new things or stop doing things that they used to do.   Heck, my husband who had never played an instrument took up playing guitar and bass when he was in his 50's and is now in an old guy band.   Also, Australia got it's own Soccer league, so his viewing changed from watching updates from the EPL, to being able to watch live games and go to matches and I've become a soccer widow.   Is it what I planned for my future?  No.  Would I break up with otherwise great partner because of it?  Also No.    And I'm sure he could tell you the ways in which I've changed.

 

Edited March 16 by basil67

[FredEire]

For me it boils down to the approach you have going to into dates. Rather than just being open minded trying to see what kind of girl she is and being open to any possibilities it's more "oh no I hope she's not a smoker, etc...".

It's just a fact of dating that you're not even going to really have chemistry with most people you meet never mind be compatible etc. But if you go in looking for problems you're much more likely to find them.