How to avoid problems and start a relationship

[Gebidozo]

Agree with @FredEire and @basil67.

If there is anything I’ve learned from my past relationships, it’s this: never try to change your partner, and accept that they will change.

Rigid requirements in dating are only good when they pertain to some fundamental ethical issues. For example, not dating a serial killer, a racist, a person who listens to K-Pop, that kind of thing.

It’s better to be flexible about other stuff. Hobbies and habits aren’t set in stone. Future plans are mutable. It’s good to keep this in mind and give the potential partner some space rather than immediately impose requirements on them.

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Agree with @FredEire and @basil67.

If there is anything I’ve learned from my past relationships, it’s this: never try to change your partner, and accept that they will change.

Rigid requirements in dating are only good when they pertain to some fundamental ethical issues. For example, not dating a serial killer, a racist, a person who listens to K-Pop, that kind of thing.

It’s better to be flexible about other stuff. Hobbies and habits aren’t set in stone. Future plans are mutable. It’s good to keep this in mind and give the potential partner some space rather than immediately impose requirements on them.

It seems like OP is trying to make his dating prospects fit into some mould he admits himself they can't fit into.

He says he has trouble trusting after some bad experiences with exes. How is anyone going to live up to that when they go into a relationship with you immediately under some kind of probation? That something you have to figure out so you can let someone close to you.

Nobody is perfect, that's the thing. Many relationships are downright heartbreaking and can send you to ruin. But that's the risk you take when you sign up, there's not going to be any ideal hassle-free woman out there for you, even the best relationships come with challenges and times when maybe things aren't great.

[Lamron300]

16 hours ago, FredEire said:

I agree, I think personally it sounds like the two cigarettes a year girl wasn't being entirely serious, she most likely found you a bit rigid and inflexible in your outlook and wanted to test how open-minded you were and how much you could flow with things in general.

That's not to say you should date a smoker if that's something that's a big no-no for you. But I know personally when some girl comes to me with a big laundry list of requirements and wants to put me through my paces so to speak it feels very dehumanising and is quite unattractive, it's the same for most people I'd imagine.

It’s not if she wasn’t being serious or not, I don’t like things being forced on me, which is the same as others. I wouldn’t date a smoker, I don’t find it attractive. It says in many peoples profiles on hinge if they smoke or not. If someone bypassed my filters by lying, would you be happy? We had been dating for many months when she said this btw and said it was a hypothetical. It then triggered my current crisis of what do I really want? Would I be able to walk away from something no matter the timescale if I didn’t feel comfortable? Most of my relationships have completely changed when people have moved in with me, people feel comfortable and not in a good way. 

You’re a guy the exact same age as me so you would understand. I say I want this and I want that, yet the two women I’m currently speaking to online, one has a kid and the other person main criteria is someone who doesn’t want kids. On online dating you swipe and then forget and sometimes you talk to someone instead of no one and then you end up in my predicament. 
 

It isn’t about being rigid, but would you eat food you don’t like if you didn’t have to? Or buy a car you hated if you didn’t have to? No, so in dating why isit expected you compromise on things which are important to you?

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Agree with @FredEire and @basil67.

If there is anything I’ve learned from my past relationships, it’s this: never try to change your partner, and accept that they will change.

Rigid requirements in dating are only good when they pertain to some fundamental ethical issues. For example, not dating a serial killer, a racist, a person who listens to K-Pop, that kind of thing.

It’s better to be flexible about other stuff. Hobbies and habits aren’t set in stone. Future plans are mutable. It’s good to keep this in mind and give the potential partner some space rather than immediately impose requirements on them.

Everybody is allowed to have deal breakers. If I don’t like smokers, why should I change my mind about that when I’m upfront about it? If I want kids and someone doesn’t want kids, why should I change my mind about it? I don’t mind people being different to me, but when I’m upfront with what I want, I don’t like people trying to bypass my filters. It would be different if I wasn’t vocal about it. 
 

Most of the dating/relationships I’ve had in past ten years that haven’t worked out have been due to pre-existing situations. A lifestyle issue which meant from day1 the relationship wouldn’t work if I knew about that thing. For example, when I was 23 I was ‘dating’ a woman who seemed very cold and distant and never wanted to get intimate, ever. She would invite me to her house and then tell me to sleep in spare room. She was generally very aloof and not pleasant. She had bought a house she couldn’t afford, so every time it was time to pay for something she would lie and say ‘ah I forgot my card, can you get it this time.  I was so confused. I could talk to everyone (forums, friends) about it, but not her. One day I got fed up and I saw in her drawer she had hormonal/depression medication. I told her I wasn’t happy and stopped speaking to her. What I’m trying to say is, I have many examples of these sort of things which have happened. I am clear with what I want and I don’t mind if people have a problem but if they can communicate it so I can adapt or if not acceptable to me we can mutually seperate. It never happens though. Then relationship ends in an explosive way.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What I’m trying to say is, I have many examples of these sort of things which have happened. I am clear with what I want and I don’t mind if people have a problem but if they can communicate it so I can adapt or if not acceptable to me we can mutually seperate. It never happens though. Then relationship ends in an explosive way.

Well, maybe it’s time for you to start thinking why you keep dating such people.

You see, I’ve dated many women in my life, but never someone who’d ask me to pay for everything or be cold with me. I’d simply stop dating such a woman right away. Or, rather, I would’ve never even started dating such a woman. 

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

It’s not if she wasn’t being serious or not, I don’t like things being forced on me, which is the same as others. I wouldn’t date a smoker, I don’t find it attractive. It says in many peoples profiles on hinge if they smoke or not. If someone bypassed my filters by lying, would you be happy? We had been dating for many months when she said this btw and said it was a hypothetical. It then triggered my current crisis of what do I really want? Would I be able to walk away from something no matter the timescale if I didn’t feel comfortable? Most of my relationships have completely changed when people have moved in with me, people feel comfortable and not in a good way. 

You’re a guy the exact same age as me so you would understand. I say I want this and I want that, yet the two women I’m currently speaking to online, one has a kid and the other person main criteria is someone who doesn’t want kids. On online dating you swipe and then forget and sometimes you talk to someone instead of no one and then you end up in my predicament. 
 

It isn’t about being rigid, but would you eat food you don’t like if you didn’t have to? Or buy a car you hated if you didn’t have to? No, so in dating why isit expected you compromise on things which are important to you?

But as you say, she was a non-smoker. I think you may have taken it a bit literally as, as I said she was probably testing if you're able to go with the flow of changes in people rather than actually declaring she was planning to take up smoking.

The kids thing is a good example. I'm the same as you, I want a family and someone in their 30s who's decided to settle for their career like the last girl I dated is going to be fundamentally incompatible with that. So yeah, if you know that before even meeting you probably shouldn't put any time into someone who fits that description.

However, even someone who's say 27 and say they 100% want kids in the next few years could get a high-paid long hour job at 30 and completely change their mind. I'm looking for someone who wants kids but I'd be open to dating someone who says they're not sure, if everything else was otherwise great.

People can change, I think maybe you could be a degree more flexible and open-minded, that's my main point.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

So yeah, if you know that before even meeting you probably shouldn't put any time into someone who fits that description

You've got it backwards.  It's their life, and their choice and they can date whoever they want.   It's YOU who needs to avoid dating THEM.   I've found that if you ask people if they want kids, they'll be pretty upfront with Y, N, or IDK.  It's not hard to find this stuff out in the first handful of dates

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've got it backwards.  It's their life, and their choice and they can date whoever they want.   It's YOU who needs to avoid dating THEM.   I've found that if you ask people if they want kids, they'll be pretty upfront with Y, N, or IDK.  It's not hard to find this stuff out in the first handful of dates

Fair enough, but if you have polar opposite views on kids it's probably a waste of time for both parties, no?

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Fair enough, but if you have polar opposite views on kids it's probably a waste of time for both parties, no?

My point is that there's nothing more fruitless than OP talking about what other people should do when dating.  All we can ever do is manage our own needs from our own end as best we can

[FredEire]

44 minutes ago, basil67 said:

My point is that there's nothing more fruitless than OP talking about what other people should do when dating.  All we can ever do is manage our own needs from our own end as best we can

True, a woman who's not into having kids might date him even though it's a dealbreaker for him. That's why you have to get realistic about what you want as early as possible.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Everybody is allowed to have deal breakers. If I don’t like smokers, why should I change my mind about that when I’m upfront about it?

Of course, she didn't ask you to change your mind.   Instead, she asked how you'd feel about her having a couple of social smokes a year.  Instead of having a conversation along the lines of "I'd prefer if you didn't" (which she may have been 100% OK with) it "damaged your image of her" and now the relationship is over.   You are reactive to the point of self sabotage.

 

[Lamron300]

On 3/17/2025 at 2:49 PM, Gebidozo said:

Well, maybe it’s time for you to start thinking why you keep dating such people.

You see, I’ve dated many women in my life, but never someone who’d ask me to pay for everything or be cold with me. I’d simply stop dating such a woman right away. Or, rather, I would’ve never even started dating such a woman. 

Hi,

What I am saying it is always clouded in mystery. This woman I’m referring to was from 2016 when I was more optimistic about dating. I was 23 and a masters degree student, she was 29. She had a managerial job and lived close to me, was ticking some boxes. But as I got to know her, I saw the real her. She was still on tinder behind my back after months of ‘dating’ made me furious as on date 1 I asked her what she was looking for and we were on same page. Her phone got flushed down the toilet so I gave her a phone to use, imagine that and someone is using Tinder behind your back on the phone you have them. What made it worse was the whole ‘relationship’ we only ever kissed on the lips as she had a low libido and hid depression and anxiety from me. She bought a house off her mum and couldn’t afford mortgage, so every time we went out she’d make an exude not to pay for stuff. When I finally got fed up, I left and never spoke to her again. 
 

What I am trying to say to you, I don’t ‘knowingly’ date such women. People lie to me and hide stuff all the time. That’s why the smoking thing would annoy me. I clearly say I don’t date smokers, so don’t try and sneak it in when you feel ‘comfortable’. 

[Lamron300]

On 3/17/2025 at 2:51 PM, FredEire said:

But as you say, she was a non-smoker. I think you may have taken it a bit literally as, as I said she was probably testing if you're able to go with the flow of changes in people rather than actually declaring she was planning to take up smoking.

The kids thing is a good example. I'm the same as you, I want a family and someone in their 30s who's decided to settle for their career like the last girl I dated is going to be fundamentally incompatible with that. So yeah, if you know that before even meeting you probably shouldn't put any time into someone who fits that description.

However, even someone who's say 27 and say they 100% want kids in the next few years could get a high-paid long hour job at 30 and completely change their mind. I'm looking for someone who wants kids but I'd be open to dating someone who says they're not sure, if everything else was otherwise great.

People can change, I think maybe you could be a degree more flexible and open-minded, that's my main point.

I agree with what you’re saying fundamentally, however, I feel women around our age already know if they want kids or not. I wouldn’t like someone who says they’re not sure or considering then five years down the line they say no. It isn’t intense at all from my part, just because we both want kids, we would still have to have a good relationship. I just want to know that even if things didn’t work out, we were on the same page.

My most recent ex apart from all the evil things she did against me, didn’t just want kids but hated kids. I remember once we weren’t even talking about kids directly, she said something about her cousins kid and I made a comment and she was like ‘ you want kids?! No they are noisy and expensive, no I’m not even talking about this’. That worked as I felt awkward without even having mentioned it. After the relationship I now realise f*** people like her, make you feel guilty for wanting something that their is nothing wrong with. If that happened today, I’d be out the same second. 

[Lamron300]

On 3/17/2025 at 9:05 PM, basil67 said:

You've got it backwards.  It's their life, and their choice and they can date whoever they want.   It's YOU who needs to avoid dating THEM.   I've found that if you ask people if they want kids, they'll be pretty upfront with Y, N, or IDK.  It's not hard to find this stuff out in the first handful of dates

I only use the app hinge which it says sometimes if people want kids, have kids etc. I will be asking people now and will let them know my thoughts. 

My problem with dating is I’ve only ever tried OLD as I can’t see a decent alternative. I want to meet people in real life, however, it’s hard now and has to be in the right setting. Like I have a friend who asks out co-workers out of the blue and they turn him down and it’s quite manipulative as some people may feel awkward to have said no, not to ruin working relationship. At gym, women aren’t there to be approached. At church the same. 

Im not trying to moan/vent about general things, but i always feel there is a catch with OLD. For example, I’ve been speaking to a woman for a few days. Lives close. Looked attractive, replies fast etc. I even jokingly asked her what’s the catch. The more we speak she told me she has a health condition which makes it hard to date as she could die if she forgets insulin. She also doesn’t have money. Again, it’s not me judging her or a lack of empathy, it’s just like what I believe always manifests herself. On OLD, there is always a catch. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Im not trying to moan/vent about general things, but i always feel there is a catch with OLD. For example, I’ve been speaking to a woman for a few days. Lives close. Looked attractive, replies fast etc. I even jokingly asked her what’s the catch. The more we speak she told me she has a health condition which makes it hard to date as she could die if she forgets insulin. She also doesn’t have money. Again, it’s not me judging her or a lack of empathy, it’s just like what I believe always manifests herself. On OLD, there is always a catch. 

You've just taken this woman's life threatening condition and made it about you.   If you genuinely didn't judge her situation, you would have asked her out

Edited March 19 by basil67

[Lamron300]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've just taken this woman's life threatening condition and made it about you.   If you genuinely didn't judge her situation, you would have asked her out

It is about me because whenever I’ve given people a chance like in this situation it usually blows up. I’ve learnt there is a  difference between friendship, happy to be friends with such people and a relationship. Literally every single time I have given someone the benefit of the doubt about a physical or mental condition it has blown up in my face. 

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I agree with what you’re saying fundamentally, however, I feel women around our age already know if they want kids or not. I wouldn’t like someone who says they’re not sure or considering then five years down the line they say no. It isn’t intense at all from my part, just because we both want kids, we would still have to have a good relationship. I just want to know that even if things didn’t work out, we were on the same page.

My most recent ex apart from all the evil things she did against me, didn’t just want kids but hated kids. I remember once we weren’t even talking about kids directly, she said something about her cousins kid and I made a comment and she was like ‘ you want kids?! No they are noisy and expensive, no I’m not even talking about this’. That worked as I felt awkward without even having mentioned it. After the relationship I now realise f*** people like her, make you feel guilty for wanting something that their is nothing wrong with. If that happened today, I’d be out the same second. 

I agree as you get into your 30s, although that can change too. A woman who's 27-30 might still be somewhat on the fence.

My point is even if you meet someone you think is your perfect person, totally aligned etc that can change because we're human beings and people change all the time. You're never going to tick all the boxes, it just has to be enough that you click and go together well.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What I am trying to say to you, I don’t ‘knowingly’ date such women. People lie to me and hide stuff all the time.

But of course you do date such women knowingly. The woman you’re talking about insisted that you pay all the time and refused to have sex. Both would be automatic dealbreakers to me. Yet you kept dating her.

And now you stop dating a woman when she asks whether she could smoke a couple of cigarettes. That doesn’t make much sense. I think you might be confused about what your dealbreakers should really be.

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But of course you do date such women knowingly. The woman you’re talking about insisted that you pay all the time and refused to have sex. Both would be automatic dealbreakers to me. Yet you kept dating her.

And now you stop dating a woman when she asks whether she could smoke a couple of cigarettes. That doesn’t make much sense. I think you might be confused about what your dealbreakers should really be.

I think it's daft to blame dating in general if you're making some pretty obvious mistakes you can fix very easily.

Being single as a guy in his late 20s/early 30s looking for something serious sucks, I concur with Lamron on that and relate to a lot of his experiences.

But that fact doesn't make you date people who display dealbreakers for you or imcompatibilies, that's your choice.

Are a lot of people nowadays mentally unstable or just want to focus on their high-powered careers, or both? Yep absolutely in my opinion, and it f***ing sucks. But you have to do your part and not continue talking to someone if they're obviously not right for you.

At the same time as @Gebidozo said I think you have to work out what your deal breakers are as well, maybe right them down. Because I think there's probably a bit of fear of getting into a relationship at play here as well, and if you go looking for problems you'll surely find them if you want to enough.