How to avoid problems and start a relationship

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Once again: what you need to be thinking about is your reaction to the behavior of those women, not their behavior. You’re getting outraged ...

Yes, and how is this beneficial to you? It's like drinking poison and hoping it makes someone else get sick.

You don't seem to understand that most people aren't even fractionally as invested in meeting a total stranger as you seem to be. So when you say that you're all about screening potential dates, you're not really. If so, you would have skipped the first one instead of meeting her, or you would have met her for a half hour or so and exited with an idea of whether you'll want to ask her out for a real date or not. Instead, you went along with upgrading the date to 4 hours and spending a lot of money--only to be told after the fact that she didn't see romance for the two of you.

So you can be angry at dating sites and the people who use them, but that didn't serve you well in preventing yourself from being used by this woman.

As for the second woman, it sounds like she may have intended to date you again, but she recognized some changes in you that she didn't like, and she wanted to get out of there. So what's up with that? If you could win a million dollars to figure out what has changed in your demeanor or health or looks since you last met her, could you win any of that money?

I think you're making a smart choice to use quick coffee meets instead of dates. Meet first, ask yourself the right questions afterward. Consider anyone who won't meet up for a quick coffee to be meal-shopping instead of date-shopping, and skip them.

And consider carefully why the chip on your shoulder doesn't serve you. It makes you double-down on indignation instead of learning how to invest less in strangers until they step up enough to no longer be a stranger.

I really hope things work out wonderfully with the woman you're dating now. Fingers crossed for you! Head high.

[Lamron300]

On 5/27/2025 at 4:42 AM, Sanch62 said:

Yes, and how is this beneficial to you? It's like drinking poison and hoping it makes someone else get sick.

You don't seem to understand that most people aren't even fractionally as invested in meeting a total stranger as you seem to be. So when you say that you're all about screening potential dates, you're not really. If so, you would have skipped the first one instead of meeting her, or you would have met her for a half hour or so and exited with an idea of whether you'll want to ask her out for a real date or not. Instead, you went along with upgrading the date to 4 hours and spending a lot of money--only to be told after the fact that she didn't see romance for the two of you.

So you can be angry at dating sites and the people who use them, but that didn't serve you well in preventing yourself from being used by this woman.

As for the second woman, it sounds like she may have intended to date you again, but she recognized some changes in you that she didn't like, and she wanted to get out of there. So what's up with that? If you could win a million dollars to figure out what has changed in your demeanor or health or looks since you last met her, could you win any of that money?

I think you're making a smart choice to use quick coffee meets instead of dates. Meet first, ask yourself the right questions afterward. Consider anyone who won't meet up for a quick coffee to be meal-shopping instead of date-shopping, and skip them.

And consider carefully why the chip on your shoulder doesn't serve you. It makes you double-down on indignation instead of learning how to invest less in strangers until they step up enough to no longer be a stranger.

I really hope things work out wonderfully with the woman you're dating now. Fingers crossed for you! Head high.

Thank you for your response. A lot of it makes sense. I invest way too much in strangers. I think what made me angry about woman 1 is she was just meal shopping. I think I’m not judgmental enough and invest too much into strangers. For example, she didn’t look like her photos, but she didn’t look bad. Also I don’t think I will ever go on a date without some flirtation beforehand. As what does a woman mean when they say ‘ no romantic connection’ ? I have never felt a romantic connection after one date! Attraction is different. For example, the woman I am dating now, on date one, I joked I can read palms and she thought I was being serious and then I said nah I just wanted to touch your hand and we both laughed. It wasn’t a prepared line and because there was attraction it went down well. I could say the same thing to another woman and it go down like a lead balloon. What I am trying to say is what do people do to try form a romantic connection? I seem to get on well with women who have been single for a whole. The meal shoppers and multi daters not so well. 
 

I am trying to change my mentality, that’s why I’m not like ‘oh I’m dating someone now, so everything is fine’. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

As what does a woman mean when they say ‘ no romantic connection’ ? I have never felt a romantic connection after one date! Attraction is different.

It means there is insufficient attraction to make romantic connection.   AKA "She's just not that into you"

Edited Monday at 07:15 AM by basil67

[FredEire]

On 5/27/2025 at 4:42 AM, Sanch62 said:

Yes, and how is this beneficial to you? It's like drinking poison and hoping it makes someone else get sick.

You don't seem to understand that most people aren't even fractionally as invested in meeting a total stranger as you seem to be. So when you say that you're all about screening potential dates, you're not really. If so, you would have skipped the first one instead of meeting her, or you would have met her for a half hour or so and exited with an idea of whether you'll want to ask her out for a real date or not. Instead, you went along with upgrading the date to 4 hours and spending a lot of money--only to be told after the fact that she didn't see romance for the two of you.

So you can be angry at dating sites and the people who use them, but that didn't serve you well in preventing yourself from being used by this woman.

As for the second woman, it sounds like she may have intended to date you again, but she recognized some changes in you that she didn't like, and she wanted to get out of there. So what's up with that? If you could win a million dollars to figure out what has changed in your demeanor or health or looks since you last met her, could you win any of that money?

I think you're making a smart choice to use quick coffee meets instead of dates. Meet first, ask yourself the right questions afterward. Consider anyone who won't meet up for a quick coffee to be meal-shopping instead of date-shopping, and skip them.

And consider carefully why the chip on your shoulder doesn't serve you. It makes you double-down on indignation instead of learning how to invest less in strangers until they step up enough to no longer be a stranger.

I really hope things work out wonderfully with the woman you're dating now. Fingers crossed for you! Head high.

I agree with this.

Look, I don't think it's any secret that dating has taken a turn for the worse. Many people especially at our age have built walls ten miles high and are really more focused on their career or their cat or whatever and use OLD to find someone to "take them out" with no intention of ever seeing them again, and maybe the odd hookup.

To preserve your sanity and open yourself to potentially meeting someone better you've got to try and just say "it is what it is" rather than getting mad, because in a way you're just adding fuel to the fire if you're meeting a flaky woman who's come in to the date expecting you'll be just another guy who'll disappoint her.

I've kind of checked out of actively dating at this point, and I'm just looking at it from the perspective that if someone comes along who I'm attracted to and who is bothered making the investment in me then great, I'll take it from there. If I realise early on someone is an attention seeker or searching for flaws I won't waste any time on them and I won't waste my own time by getting mad.

Spending a lot of time on people who aren't receptive probably makes you come across as desperate, you want to raise your bar. If they're not showing any effort delete the contact, shrug your shoulders and move on.

[Sanch62]

17 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

As what does a woman mean when they say ‘ no romantic connection’ ? I have never felt a romantic connection after one date! Attraction is different.

It's one way of saying she's not attracted enough to try to form a romantic connection.

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For example, the woman I am dating now, on date one, I joked I can read palms and she thought I was being serious and then I said nah I just wanted to touch your hand and we both laughed. It wasn’t a prepared line and because there was attraction it went down well. I could say the same thing to another woman and it go down like a lead balloon.

Good example of the difference between chemisty and no chemistry.

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What I am trying to say is what do people do to try form a romantic connection?

They meet to see if there's attraction and chemistry. If not, they don't try to form a romantic connection. If so, they continue dating and allow the connection to form on its own while they learn more about one another.

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I seem to get on well with women who have been single for a whole. The meal shoppers and multi daters not so well. 

The whole point of setting up coffee meets is to screen out the meal shoppers. They usually won't meet for a mere coffee, so the problem is self-limiting.