How to avoid problems and start a relationship

[Gebidozo]

Agree with @FredEire and @basil67.

If there is anything I’ve learned from my past relationships, it’s this: never try to change your partner, and accept that they will change.

Rigid requirements in dating are only good when they pertain to some fundamental ethical issues. For example, not dating a serial killer, a racist, a person who listens to K-Pop, that kind of thing.

It’s better to be flexible about other stuff. Hobbies and habits aren’t set in stone. Future plans are mutable. It’s good to keep this in mind and give the potential partner some space rather than immediately impose requirements on them.

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Agree with @FredEire and @basil67.

If there is anything I’ve learned from my past relationships, it’s this: never try to change your partner, and accept that they will change.

Rigid requirements in dating are only good when they pertain to some fundamental ethical issues. For example, not dating a serial killer, a racist, a person who listens to K-Pop, that kind of thing.

It’s better to be flexible about other stuff. Hobbies and habits aren’t set in stone. Future plans are mutable. It’s good to keep this in mind and give the potential partner some space rather than immediately impose requirements on them.

It seems like OP is trying to make his dating prospects fit into some mould he admits himself they can't fit into.

He says he has trouble trusting after some bad experiences with exes. How is anyone going to live up to that when they go into a relationship with you immediately under some kind of probation? That something you have to figure out so you can let someone close to you.

Nobody is perfect, that's the thing. Many relationships are downright heartbreaking and can send you to ruin. But that's the risk you take when you sign up, there's not going to be any ideal hassle-free woman out there for you, even the best relationships come with challenges and times when maybe things aren't great.

[Lamron300]

16 hours ago, FredEire said:

I agree, I think personally it sounds like the two cigarettes a year girl wasn't being entirely serious, she most likely found you a bit rigid and inflexible in your outlook and wanted to test how open-minded you were and how much you could flow with things in general.

That's not to say you should date a smoker if that's something that's a big no-no for you. But I know personally when some girl comes to me with a big laundry list of requirements and wants to put me through my paces so to speak it feels very dehumanising and is quite unattractive, it's the same for most people I'd imagine.

It’s not if she wasn’t being serious or not, I don’t like things being forced on me, which is the same as others. I wouldn’t date a smoker, I don’t find it attractive. It says in many peoples profiles on hinge if they smoke or not. If someone bypassed my filters by lying, would you be happy? We had been dating for many months when she said this btw and said it was a hypothetical. It then triggered my current crisis of what do I really want? Would I be able to walk away from something no matter the timescale if I didn’t feel comfortable? Most of my relationships have completely changed when people have moved in with me, people feel comfortable and not in a good way. 

You’re a guy the exact same age as me so you would understand. I say I want this and I want that, yet the two women I’m currently speaking to online, one has a kid and the other person main criteria is someone who doesn’t want kids. On online dating you swipe and then forget and sometimes you talk to someone instead of no one and then you end up in my predicament. 
 

It isn’t about being rigid, but would you eat food you don’t like if you didn’t have to? Or buy a car you hated if you didn’t have to? No, so in dating why isit expected you compromise on things which are important to you?

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Agree with @FredEire and @basil67.

If there is anything I’ve learned from my past relationships, it’s this: never try to change your partner, and accept that they will change.

Rigid requirements in dating are only good when they pertain to some fundamental ethical issues. For example, not dating a serial killer, a racist, a person who listens to K-Pop, that kind of thing.

It’s better to be flexible about other stuff. Hobbies and habits aren’t set in stone. Future plans are mutable. It’s good to keep this in mind and give the potential partner some space rather than immediately impose requirements on them.

Everybody is allowed to have deal breakers. If I don’t like smokers, why should I change my mind about that when I’m upfront about it? If I want kids and someone doesn’t want kids, why should I change my mind about it? I don’t mind people being different to me, but when I’m upfront with what I want, I don’t like people trying to bypass my filters. It would be different if I wasn’t vocal about it. 
 

Most of the dating/relationships I’ve had in past ten years that haven’t worked out have been due to pre-existing situations. A lifestyle issue which meant from day1 the relationship wouldn’t work if I knew about that thing. For example, when I was 23 I was ‘dating’ a woman who seemed very cold and distant and never wanted to get intimate, ever. She would invite me to her house and then tell me to sleep in spare room. She was generally very aloof and not pleasant. She had bought a house she couldn’t afford, so every time it was time to pay for something she would lie and say ‘ah I forgot my card, can you get it this time.  I was so confused. I could talk to everyone (forums, friends) about it, but not her. One day I got fed up and I saw in her drawer she had hormonal/depression medication. I told her I wasn’t happy and stopped speaking to her. What I’m trying to say is, I have many examples of these sort of things which have happened. I am clear with what I want and I don’t mind if people have a problem but if they can communicate it so I can adapt or if not acceptable to me we can mutually seperate. It never happens though. Then relationship ends in an explosive way.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What I’m trying to say is, I have many examples of these sort of things which have happened. I am clear with what I want and I don’t mind if people have a problem but if they can communicate it so I can adapt or if not acceptable to me we can mutually seperate. It never happens though. Then relationship ends in an explosive way.

Well, maybe it’s time for you to start thinking why you keep dating such people.

You see, I’ve dated many women in my life, but never someone who’d ask me to pay for everything or be cold with me. I’d simply stop dating such a woman right away. Or, rather, I would’ve never even started dating such a woman. 

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

It’s not if she wasn’t being serious or not, I don’t like things being forced on me, which is the same as others. I wouldn’t date a smoker, I don’t find it attractive. It says in many peoples profiles on hinge if they smoke or not. If someone bypassed my filters by lying, would you be happy? We had been dating for many months when she said this btw and said it was a hypothetical. It then triggered my current crisis of what do I really want? Would I be able to walk away from something no matter the timescale if I didn’t feel comfortable? Most of my relationships have completely changed when people have moved in with me, people feel comfortable and not in a good way. 

You’re a guy the exact same age as me so you would understand. I say I want this and I want that, yet the two women I’m currently speaking to online, one has a kid and the other person main criteria is someone who doesn’t want kids. On online dating you swipe and then forget and sometimes you talk to someone instead of no one and then you end up in my predicament. 
 

It isn’t about being rigid, but would you eat food you don’t like if you didn’t have to? Or buy a car you hated if you didn’t have to? No, so in dating why isit expected you compromise on things which are important to you?

But as you say, she was a non-smoker. I think you may have taken it a bit literally as, as I said she was probably testing if you're able to go with the flow of changes in people rather than actually declaring she was planning to take up smoking.

The kids thing is a good example. I'm the same as you, I want a family and someone in their 30s who's decided to settle for their career like the last girl I dated is going to be fundamentally incompatible with that. So yeah, if you know that before even meeting you probably shouldn't put any time into someone who fits that description.

However, even someone who's say 27 and say they 100% want kids in the next few years could get a high-paid long hour job at 30 and completely change their mind. I'm looking for someone who wants kids but I'd be open to dating someone who says they're not sure, if everything else was otherwise great.

People can change, I think maybe you could be a degree more flexible and open-minded, that's my main point.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

So yeah, if you know that before even meeting you probably shouldn't put any time into someone who fits that description

You've got it backwards.  It's their life, and their choice and they can date whoever they want.   It's YOU who needs to avoid dating THEM.   I've found that if you ask people if they want kids, they'll be pretty upfront with Y, N, or IDK.  It's not hard to find this stuff out in the first handful of dates

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've got it backwards.  It's their life, and their choice and they can date whoever they want.   It's YOU who needs to avoid dating THEM.   I've found that if you ask people if they want kids, they'll be pretty upfront with Y, N, or IDK.  It's not hard to find this stuff out in the first handful of dates

Fair enough, but if you have polar opposite views on kids it's probably a waste of time for both parties, no?

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Fair enough, but if you have polar opposite views on kids it's probably a waste of time for both parties, no?

My point is that there's nothing more fruitless than OP talking about what other people should do when dating.  All we can ever do is manage our own needs from our own end as best we can

[FredEire]

44 minutes ago, basil67 said:

My point is that there's nothing more fruitless than OP talking about what other people should do when dating.  All we can ever do is manage our own needs from our own end as best we can

True, a woman who's not into having kids might date him even though it's a dealbreaker for him. That's why you have to get realistic about what you want as early as possible.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Everybody is allowed to have deal breakers. If I don’t like smokers, why should I change my mind about that when I’m upfront about it?

Of course, she didn't ask you to change your mind.   Instead, she asked how you'd feel about her having a couple of social smokes a year.  Instead of having a conversation along the lines of "I'd prefer if you didn't" (which she may have been 100% OK with) it "damaged your image of her" and now the relationship is over.   You are reactive to the point of self sabotage.

 

[Lamron300]

On 3/17/2025 at 2:49 PM, Gebidozo said:

Well, maybe it’s time for you to start thinking why you keep dating such people.

You see, I’ve dated many women in my life, but never someone who’d ask me to pay for everything or be cold with me. I’d simply stop dating such a woman right away. Or, rather, I would’ve never even started dating such a woman. 

Hi,

What I am saying it is always clouded in mystery. This woman I’m referring to was from 2016 when I was more optimistic about dating. I was 23 and a masters degree student, she was 29. She had a managerial job and lived close to me, was ticking some boxes. But as I got to know her, I saw the real her. She was still on tinder behind my back after months of ‘dating’ made me furious as on date 1 I asked her what she was looking for and we were on same page. Her phone got flushed down the toilet so I gave her a phone to use, imagine that and someone is using Tinder behind your back on the phone you have them. What made it worse was the whole ‘relationship’ we only ever kissed on the lips as she had a low libido and hid depression and anxiety from me. She bought a house off her mum and couldn’t afford mortgage, so every time we went out she’d make an exude not to pay for stuff. When I finally got fed up, I left and never spoke to her again. 
 

What I am trying to say to you, I don’t ‘knowingly’ date such women. People lie to me and hide stuff all the time. That’s why the smoking thing would annoy me. I clearly say I don’t date smokers, so don’t try and sneak it in when you feel ‘comfortable’. 

[Lamron300]

On 3/17/2025 at 2:51 PM, FredEire said:

But as you say, she was a non-smoker. I think you may have taken it a bit literally as, as I said she was probably testing if you're able to go with the flow of changes in people rather than actually declaring she was planning to take up smoking.

The kids thing is a good example. I'm the same as you, I want a family and someone in their 30s who's decided to settle for their career like the last girl I dated is going to be fundamentally incompatible with that. So yeah, if you know that before even meeting you probably shouldn't put any time into someone who fits that description.

However, even someone who's say 27 and say they 100% want kids in the next few years could get a high-paid long hour job at 30 and completely change their mind. I'm looking for someone who wants kids but I'd be open to dating someone who says they're not sure, if everything else was otherwise great.

People can change, I think maybe you could be a degree more flexible and open-minded, that's my main point.

I agree with what you’re saying fundamentally, however, I feel women around our age already know if they want kids or not. I wouldn’t like someone who says they’re not sure or considering then five years down the line they say no. It isn’t intense at all from my part, just because we both want kids, we would still have to have a good relationship. I just want to know that even if things didn’t work out, we were on the same page.

My most recent ex apart from all the evil things she did against me, didn’t just want kids but hated kids. I remember once we weren’t even talking about kids directly, she said something about her cousins kid and I made a comment and she was like ‘ you want kids?! No they are noisy and expensive, no I’m not even talking about this’. That worked as I felt awkward without even having mentioned it. After the relationship I now realise f*** people like her, make you feel guilty for wanting something that their is nothing wrong with. If that happened today, I’d be out the same second. 

[Lamron300]

On 3/17/2025 at 9:05 PM, basil67 said:

You've got it backwards.  It's their life, and their choice and they can date whoever they want.   It's YOU who needs to avoid dating THEM.   I've found that if you ask people if they want kids, they'll be pretty upfront with Y, N, or IDK.  It's not hard to find this stuff out in the first handful of dates

I only use the app hinge which it says sometimes if people want kids, have kids etc. I will be asking people now and will let them know my thoughts. 

My problem with dating is I’ve only ever tried OLD as I can’t see a decent alternative. I want to meet people in real life, however, it’s hard now and has to be in the right setting. Like I have a friend who asks out co-workers out of the blue and they turn him down and it’s quite manipulative as some people may feel awkward to have said no, not to ruin working relationship. At gym, women aren’t there to be approached. At church the same. 

Im not trying to moan/vent about general things, but i always feel there is a catch with OLD. For example, I’ve been speaking to a woman for a few days. Lives close. Looked attractive, replies fast etc. I even jokingly asked her what’s the catch. The more we speak she told me she has a health condition which makes it hard to date as she could die if she forgets insulin. She also doesn’t have money. Again, it’s not me judging her or a lack of empathy, it’s just like what I believe always manifests herself. On OLD, there is always a catch. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Im not trying to moan/vent about general things, but i always feel there is a catch with OLD. For example, I’ve been speaking to a woman for a few days. Lives close. Looked attractive, replies fast etc. I even jokingly asked her what’s the catch. The more we speak she told me she has a health condition which makes it hard to date as she could die if she forgets insulin. She also doesn’t have money. Again, it’s not me judging her or a lack of empathy, it’s just like what I believe always manifests herself. On OLD, there is always a catch. 

You've just taken this woman's life threatening condition and made it about you.   If you genuinely didn't judge her situation, you would have asked her out

Edited March 19 by basil67

[Lamron300]

18 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've just taken this woman's life threatening condition and made it about you.   If you genuinely didn't judge her situation, you would have asked her out

It is about me because whenever I’ve given people a chance like in this situation it usually blows up. I’ve learnt there is a  difference between friendship, happy to be friends with such people and a relationship. Literally every single time I have given someone the benefit of the doubt about a physical or mental condition it has blown up in my face. 

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I agree with what you’re saying fundamentally, however, I feel women around our age already know if they want kids or not. I wouldn’t like someone who says they’re not sure or considering then five years down the line they say no. It isn’t intense at all from my part, just because we both want kids, we would still have to have a good relationship. I just want to know that even if things didn’t work out, we were on the same page.

My most recent ex apart from all the evil things she did against me, didn’t just want kids but hated kids. I remember once we weren’t even talking about kids directly, she said something about her cousins kid and I made a comment and she was like ‘ you want kids?! No they are noisy and expensive, no I’m not even talking about this’. That worked as I felt awkward without even having mentioned it. After the relationship I now realise f*** people like her, make you feel guilty for wanting something that their is nothing wrong with. If that happened today, I’d be out the same second. 

I agree as you get into your 30s, although that can change too. A woman who's 27-30 might still be somewhat on the fence.

My point is even if you meet someone you think is your perfect person, totally aligned etc that can change because we're human beings and people change all the time. You're never going to tick all the boxes, it just has to be enough that you click and go together well.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What I am trying to say to you, I don’t ‘knowingly’ date such women. People lie to me and hide stuff all the time.

But of course you do date such women knowingly. The woman you’re talking about insisted that you pay all the time and refused to have sex. Both would be automatic dealbreakers to me. Yet you kept dating her.

And now you stop dating a woman when she asks whether she could smoke a couple of cigarettes. That doesn’t make much sense. I think you might be confused about what your dealbreakers should really be.

[FredEire]

8 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But of course you do date such women knowingly. The woman you’re talking about insisted that you pay all the time and refused to have sex. Both would be automatic dealbreakers to me. Yet you kept dating her.

And now you stop dating a woman when she asks whether she could smoke a couple of cigarettes. That doesn’t make much sense. I think you might be confused about what your dealbreakers should really be.

I think it's daft to blame dating in general if you're making some pretty obvious mistakes you can fix very easily.

Being single as a guy in his late 20s/early 30s looking for something serious sucks, I concur with Lamron on that and relate to a lot of his experiences.

But that fact doesn't make you date people who display dealbreakers for you or imcompatibilies, that's your choice.

Are a lot of people nowadays mentally unstable or just want to focus on their high-powered careers, or both? Yep absolutely in my opinion, and it f***ing sucks. But you have to do your part and not continue talking to someone if they're obviously not right for you.

At the same time as @Gebidozo said I think you have to work out what your deal breakers are as well, maybe right them down. Because I think there's probably a bit of fear of getting into a relationship at play here as well, and if you go looking for problems you'll surely find them if you want to enough.

[Lamron300]

On 3/19/2025 at 1:50 PM, FredEire said:

I think it's daft to blame dating in general if you're making some pretty obvious mistakes you can fix very easily.

Being single as a guy in his late 20s/early 30s looking for something serious sucks, I concur with Lamron on that and relate to a lot of his experiences.

But that fact doesn't make you date people who display dealbreakers for you or imcompatibilies, that's your choice.

@FredEire Yes, but what I’m trying to say is you don’t know about some of these incompatibilities till it’s too late. For example, I now google people before I go on a date or even ask them on a date. I googled a woman yesterday and found out she has been divorced recently and writes blog about her clinical depression and even had suicidal ideation. This isn’t even me judging, i empathize with people but i have become resigned to the fact that i need to avoid things/cut it short as soon as I’ve seen issues. I have given people with mental health or physical health issues chances in the past and it Has ALWAYS backfired. I don’t say it in a way that I’m better than them or I don’t have my issues, but their issue has always resulted in behaviour which isn’t actually justifiable by their issues.  
 

Also, my problem with dating in general is I’ve had people say ‘ didn’t feel a romantic connection’ on date, which my issue is I have never ever felt a romantic connection with anyone on any date. How can I feel a romantic connection in an interview type setting over dinner or a drink?! If you put Rihanna infront of me, of course I would fancy her but doesn’t mean there is a ‘connection’. I only want to date people who are excited about going on a date with me, not like ‘ hmm you asked, I’m free’.
 

For example last year, I was speaking to a woman and asked her on a date, she said I’m going to be honest, I have a lot going on right now and a few dates lined up, if you are willing to wait, sure. I blocked her instantly. Why speak to me if ‘you have a lot going on in your life and dates (plural) lined up. I’d then maybe go on a date with her only to be told ‘ no connection’ when the truth is she is on date 4 or 5 with someone else and just wanted to kill time. 
 

I don’t want to just vent, I’m explaining why I’m in this position at 31. People always ask me how and why I’m single? As if I can just magic a suitable partner. I’m tired of meeting someone and trying to make them how I want them instead of being compatible in the first place. Like a previous thread about a woman I went on 15 dates with and never had sex once. 

[FredEire]

12 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

@FredEire Yes, but what I’m trying to say is you don’t know about some of these incompatibilities till it’s too late. For example, I now google people before I go on a date or even ask them on a date. I googled a woman yesterday and found out she has been divorced recently and writes blog about her clinical depression and even had suicidal ideation. This isn’t even me judging, i empathize with people but i have become resigned to the fact that i need to avoid things/cut it short as soon as I’ve seen issues. I have given people with mental health or physical health issues chances in the past and it Has ALWAYS backfired. I don’t say it in a way that I’m better than them or I don’t have my issues, but their issue has always resulted in behaviour which isn’t actually justifiable by their issues.  
 

Also, my problem with dating in general is I’ve had people say ‘ didn’t feel a romantic connection’ on date, which my issue is I have never ever felt a romantic connection with anyone on any date. How can I feel a romantic connection in an interview type setting over dinner or a drink?! If you put Rihanna infront of me, of course I would fancy her but doesn’t mean there is a ‘connection’. I only want to date people who are excited about going on a date with me, not like ‘ hmm you asked, I’m free’.
 

For example last year, I was speaking to a woman and asked her on a date, she said I’m going to be honest, I have a lot going on right now and a few dates lined up, if you are willing to wait, sure. I blocked her instantly. Why speak to me if ‘you have a lot going on in your life and dates (plural) lined up. I’d then maybe go on a date with her only to be told ‘ no connection’ when the truth is she is on date 4 or 5 with someone else and just wanted to kill time. 
 

I don’t want to just vent, I’m explaining why I’m in this position at 31. People always ask me how and why I’m single? As if I can just magic a suitable partner. I’m tired of meeting someone and trying to make them how I want them instead of being compatible in the first place. Like a previous thread about a woman I went on 15 dates with and never had sex once. 

We'll fwiw I think you're doing the right thing not entertaining people who bring their clipboard along on dates ready to see if you check all their boxes. In terms of the mental health stuff I don't blame you on that. For me it depends on how consciously they're working on it to improve, many people including myself have had mental health struggles in the past so it isn't an automatic red flag for me but that's down to personal preference.

I think there's a large element here though of you get back what you put in. You don't like checklist daters who don't see the person but just think "I'm single, I'll go on a date with this man and see if he satisfies my boyfriend requirements". I totally get that, I don't like that either, but there's a general tone on here that the way you look at dating is a little bit prescribed as well. There's a lot of things you don't want and actively try to avoid, and your mindset seems to be at the moment, "why does everyone I meet fall into these categories"?

I suffer from the same kind of thing myself, our experiences sound similar in some ways. The bit that stuck out to me in what you wrote though was about romantic feelings, and how you wouldn't have feelings for Rihanna in an "interview type" setting.

You're right, and I sometimes wonder myself how box-ticking type dates would lead to anything romantic. For me romantic connection comes from the spontaneous, maybe you finish your dinner and go and watch the sunset, and share a great moment together, and everything just feels natural and fun.

The thing is if you keep going on these interview type dates it's a two way thing. I think if you focused less on what you want your partner not to be, dwelling on the bad experiences repeating from the past etc, and just went into every new encounter with a blank slate, you might meet more spontaneous fun women you could more easily develop a connection with, and have less dates with girls with a checklist and a long list of baggage. That's not to say that you should start dating people like that if you come across them, but I think you're going to end up finding those people over and over if you're so focused on the thought of "oh god I hope she's not another one of those women".

Edited April 7 by FredEire

[basil67]

12 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

which my issue is I have never ever felt a romantic connection with anyone on any date. How can I feel a romantic connection in an interview type setting over dinner or a drink?

If a date has an 'interview' feel, then it's already going to fail.   A date isn't about checking boxes, it's about finding if the two of you 'click' personality wise.   For example, is the conversation enthusiastic?  Do the two of you bounce seamlessly from topic to topic?  Is the eye contact suggestive?  Do you both flirt?   Do the two of you want to set up another date really soon?   This is what a good date is like

I've certainly gone on dates which vibed really well and couldn't wait to see each other again.   It will happen with the person who is right for you.  But as it never happens for you, then a bit of reflection would be wise.   

 

Edited April 7 by basil67

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If a date has an 'interview' feel, then it's already going to fail.   A date isn't about checking boxes, it's about finding if the two of you 'click' personality wise.   For example, is the conversation enthusiastic?  Do the two of you bounce seamlessly from topic to topic?  Is the eye contact suggestive?  Do you both flirt?   Do the two of you want to set up another date really soon?   This is what a good date is like

I've certainly gone on dates which vibed really well and couldn't wait to see each other again.   It will happen with the person who is right for you.  But as it never happens for you, then a bit of reflection would be wise.   

 

Something I've found that applies to pretty much all areas of life: the more results-orientated you are, and the less you enjoy the process and do something just to do it, because your main focus is to get something you want, the more frustrated you become.

Edited April 7 by FredEire

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Something I've found about life that applies to pretty much all areas of life: the more results-orientated you are, and the less you enjoy the process and do something just to do it and it's mainly to get something you want, the more frustrated you become.

And when you don't enjoy the process, you've already failed.

@Lamron300  What are your options for meeting women in a more organic way?   How often do you go out with friends to social situations?  Or if you have a limited friend group, what about joining a local social group from somewhere like MeetUp and get yourself out and having fun.   

(Note: social groups are for expanding your friend group and doing fun things. They are not for dating.  When you get a bigger social group, you'll go to social situations more often and get to meet women organically}

Edited April 7 by basil67

[Lamron300]

20 hours ago, FredEire said:

We'll fwiw I think you're doing the right thing not entertaining people who bring their clipboard along on dates ready to see if you check all their boxes. In terms of the mental health stuff I don't blame you on that. For me it depends on how consciously they're working on it to improve, many people including myself have had mental health struggles in the past so it isn't an automatic red flag for me but that's down to personal preference.

I think there's a large element here though of you get back what you put in. You don't like checklist daters who don't see the person but just think "I'm single, I'll go on a date with this man and see if he satisfies my boyfriend requirements". I totally get that, I don't like that either, but there's a general tone on here that the way you look at dating is a little bit prescribed as well. There's a lot of things you don't want and actively try to avoid, and your mindset seems to be at the moment, "why does everyone I meet fall into these categories"?

I suffer from the same kind of thing myself, our experiences sound similar in some ways. The bit that stuck out to me in what you wrote though was about romantic feelings, and how you wouldn't have feelings for Rihanna in an "interview type" setting.

You're right, and I sometimes wonder myself how box-ticking type dates would lead to anything romantic. For me romantic connection comes from the spontaneous, maybe you finish your dinner and go and watch the sunset, and share a great moment together, and everything just feels natural and fun.

The thing is if you keep going on these interview type dates it's a two way thing. I think if you focused less on what you want your partner not to be, dwelling on the bad experiences repeating from the past etc, and just went into every new encounter with a blank slate, you might meet more spontaneous fun women you could more easily develop a connection with, and have less dates with girls with a checklist and a long list of baggage. That's not to say that you should start dating people like that if you come across them, but I think you're going to end up finding those people over and over if you're so focused on the thought of "oh god I hope she's not another one of those women".

Very good advice. I understand what you mean I need to go with the flow instead of being scared about what may happen, just take each thing as different. But also, as I said.. going back to the very beginning how do you know someone wants to go on a date with you? If you’re a nice polite guy, they may just say yes ‘what’s the harm’, but that’s going to go nowhere. A date is a vehicle to a romantic relationship. When I got rid of lust, I realised how boring and incompatible some people are. I am a good conversationalist and can expand on most topics. You get a lot of people these days that do one word answers, don’t ask questions or ignore questions. I standby it and say I have never felt a romantic connection on a first date. Of course a quick drink or meal wouldn’t really reveal anything, but as you said if you went to watch the sunset after, got more relaxed then you may feel something different. I used to think there were magic words to say, but I’ve realised all the good dates I’ve gone on which have ended up in something haven’t been different in content to the bad dates. 
 

And in terms of mental health, I mean a woman matched me, started a conversation. Then went straight to sending me voice notes about how she’s taking on a job that she needs to quit as it’s too far , her mum just got rushed to emergency room and needs urgent treatment (this was within first threee messages) didn’t ask me anything back and if your mum is emergency room very sick why are you on a dating app messaging me? I stopped responding .