Miko6789 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 Hi everyone, So as the title says, my ex found a new girlfriend after in less than a month and I don't know how to cope with it. So a bit about our past relationship and him as a person. When we first met he used to love bomb me, tell me how I'm perfect, that he never met someone like me, that he wants to plan a big future with me... the first few months with him were like a dream, he treated me like a princess and I never ever felt so loved and appreciated. I was the first girl who accepted him for who he is. His past relationships were very short lived, the longest one being 3 months, our relationship at the end lasted for 2 years, I even met his whole family and we were all hanging out together. Everything was fine for few months until the issues arised. So part of the issue is that my ex used to be bullied as a kid for his height, he's 23 and still 5'4 feet tall so he was slightly shorter than me. He was very insecure but tried to mask it with fake confidence. Given his past and his problem with his parents he developed avoidant tendencies. Whenever we would have an argument he would either shut down, get extremely defensive or run away. I guess he couldn't handle that part of the relationship, the hard part, because he was always running away. He got overwhelmed with the relationship and started shutting down slowly. I think it's really important to mention this. Our relationship started falling apart when he punched me because i was having a panic attack and a depressive episode, I was saying nonsense and trying to do stupid stuff to myself. I admit I wasn't perfect but what hurt me the most wasn't the punch itself, it was the way he got defensive, didn't take responsibility and told me that was the only way to calm me down. But after all I forgave him and acted like nothing happened. We've been on and off after that for some time, sometimes me breaking up with him sometimes he breaking up with me. What I noticed though is that he couldn't bare when I broke up with him ( he was repeating the same mistakes I told him not to, that was the reason) so he will always find a way to get me back, promise stuff and once I took him back after a month he will break up and feel superior. It was a MESS. Moving forward to the day of the break-up... We planned to spend the New Year's together but got into an argument because he didn't want to compromise. Then he said he couldn't take it anymore and told me he wants to break up, over text. I told him that it's best for us to meet up and have that conversation. When we met up, the whole time he was sitting uncomfortably in the chair, biting his nails and avoiding eye contact. I asked him what his reason was for the breakup he said "I've been overwhelmed the whole time because of the arguments and I'm honestly scared to hurt you because I obviously can't give you what you deserve", the conversation got too emotional where we both ended up crying. I still cared for him and wanted to be with him so I asked for another chance but he declined. After that he asked me if we could still be friends, and if he could sometimes come to my mom's house for coffee. I couldn't say yes to that, and I could see that he was devastated. He was a completely different person and he was very cold towards me after that. We've been in no contact for a month. I was crying the whole time, thinking about what if's, didn't eat, didn't sleep. It felt like I was falling apart. After two weeks I gotten a bit better. Then I made a mistake... social media stalking. That's when I found out he's already seeing a new girl. All that progress I've done? fell apart. It felt like I was broken up with again. He told me how it will take a while to get over me, how he's not ready for a new relationship bc it wouldn't be fair to that person since he still loves me. Now I'm questioning whether he loved me in the first place. Is he just filling the void with her and running away from the pain or is she the real thing? saw that he posted on Reddit asking people where to take his gf for Valentine's day. That was a punch to the heart. First Valentine's we spent together ended badly bc he crashed his car on the way, since then he refused to spent Valentine's with me because it reminded him of the car crash. Now he's celebrating again, with her??? I'm devastated, I think I'm falling into depression and I don't know how I will survive this. It feels like I meant nothing to him, that I'm so easily replaceable. This really affected my self-esteem and my self worth. It feels like a part of me already died with the breakup. Does anyone have a similar experience, or any advice that could help? I'd really appreciate it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 Hmm, sorry to hear you've experienced this. Honestly, I think you're well rid of him, he sounds like he's got more baggage than an airport. He's immature and makes stupid excuses for his stupid behaviour. Can't spend Valentines Day with you because it reminds him of his car crash? Seriously? That's just beyond lame. I know it hurts to think he moved on so quickly, but the truth is that it's probably all part of a nasty plan to hurt you as much as he can, he sounds like that type. Spiteful and manipulative. The girl he's seeing is more than likely just being used, so you've got no reason to be jealous of her, it won't last long. Think about how he makes you feel, unhappy, confused, and exhausted by his drama. He's poisonous, as that hapless girl he's pretending to be having a relationship with will find out very soon. Don't stalk his social media, that's exactly what he hopes you'll do. Block him everywhere, and when he comes snivelling around again, (he'll probably find a way to contact you when he realises you're not interested), please tell him that you're embarrassed you ever dated him. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 I have a similar experience, but from the other side: I left my first husband in 1992 and met my second husband two months later. I wasn't looking for a new relationship, but he was too good for me to let him get away. I was going to go into a spiel about how the dumper is often able to move on so much more quickly because we've been processing the breakup in our head long before we get to actually doing it and the dumpee being blindsided.....but then I read that you both had been breaking up with each other on and off a while. And I also read about him punching you. Sweetie, this relationship has been toxic for a long time and you should have left him long ago. The question isn't 'why was he able to move on so quickly?" (Answer: because the relationship was toxic for both of you, and as such, he was able to leave it behind easily) but instead, the question should be "why do I care about an abusive guy who I had a bad relationship with? I should be able to live a great life without him!" Kindly, I suggest you find some therapy. Being devastated over the loss of someone who assaulted you and who you've broken up with in the past is unhealthy. You need to work through those feelings to find clarity. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miko6789 Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: Sweetie, this relationship has been toxic for a long time and you should have left him long ago. The question isn't 'why was he able to move on so quickly?" (Answer: because the relationship was toxic for both of you, and as such, he was able to leave it behind easily) but instead, the question should be "why do I care about an abusive guy who I had a bad relationship with? I should be able to live a great life without him!" Thank you for your reply. You're completely right, deep down I know that a person who truly loves you would never put their hands on you no matter what. I'm still trying to figure out what's going on with my head. I'm thinking it's a trauma bond although I'm not sure. I'm still stuck thinking about good times with him, that's why I can't move forward. The reason why I stayed is because I hoped that one day he will change and things will go back as they were before. I was begging for bare minimum for a long time, gave all my love and energy to him in the end I guess I lost all the self-respect since I forgave him for punching me. Even his mom was devastated and part of her couldn't believe that he was able to do that to me. I'm carrying a lot right now, but I'll take your advice for therapy, I think I really need it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miko6789 Posted January 29 Author Share Posted January 29 20 minutes ago, MsJayne said: Hmm, sorry to hear you've experienced this. Honestly, I think you're well rid of him, he sounds like he's got more baggage than an airport. He's immature and makes stupid excuses for his stupid behaviour. Can't spend Valentines Day with you because it reminds him of his car crash? Seriously? That's just beyond lame. I know it hurts to think he moved on so quickly, but the truth is that it's probably all part of a nasty plan to hurt you as much as he can, he sounds like that type. Spiteful and manipulative. The girl he's seeing is more than likely just being used, so you've got no reason to be jealous of her, it won't last long. Think about how he makes you feel, unhappy, confused, and exhausted by his drama. He's poisonous, as that hapless girl he's pretending to be having a relationship with will find out very soon. Don't stalk his social media, that's exactly what he hopes you'll do. Block him everywhere, and when he comes snivelling around again, (he'll probably find a way to contact you when he realises you're not interested), please tell him that you're embarrassed you ever dated him. Thank you, I'm not planning to ever take him back even if he does reach out someday in the future. I blocked him everywhere now, the more I look the more pain it causes me. Hope I'll heal soon. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 Even the worst relationships still have some good times, and this is why it can be so hard to leave. But it's all about weighing up the good against the bad. But never stay with someone hoping they will change. And never, ever beg for bare minimum. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 29 Share Posted January 29 12 hours ago, Miko6789 said: Is he just filling the void with her and running away from the pain or is she the real thing? It doesn't matter. You will never get an answer to this question and you shouldn't be sitting around trying to analyze this. Keep him blocked everywhere and don't look at his social media again. It will only ruin your recovery from this ordeal and set back your mental health. Not to sound harsh, but whether or not he has a new gf is none of your business. I say this to try to get you to understand that your only focus now should be moving on. And you shouldn't date again until you get some serious therapy. It's shocking and concerning that he PUNCHED you during the relationship, and you stayed with him. Anyone with health boundaries would run, not walk, away from a person who does that to them. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 10 hours ago, ShyViolet said: And you shouldn't date again until you get some serious therapy. It's shocking and concerning that he PUNCHED you during the relationship, and you stayed with him. This is deeply concerning, OP. Had you had a boyfriend before this? If so, what were those relationships like? What was your home life growing up? I am wondering what it is inside you that somehow justified staying with someone who violently assaulted you. There is a lot of inner work to be done here so that you don't wind up in a toxic relationship again in the future. Don't focus on what he is doing now. Focus on you, and getting yourself to a healthier emotional place. It's time to start being your own best friend rather than standing in the way of your own happiness and well-being. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Carlston Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 22 hours ago, Miko6789 said: Now I'm questioning whether he loved me in the first place. Is he just filling the void with her and running away from the pain or is she the real thing? Try to focus on other things when your head goes there. You'll never know the reasons, even if he came knocking on your door and begging you to take him back. Odds are he jumped into something new to kill the pain and fill the void and avoid the loneliness regardless of how strongly he might have felt about you. In the end it doesn't really matter though does it. Try to look at the positive side, he was an abusive mess, it would have been a rough ride had it lasted any longer. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miko6789 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is deeply concerning, OP. Had you had a boyfriend before this? If so, what were those relationships like? What was your home life growing up? I am wondering what it is inside you that somehow justified staying with someone who violently assaulted you. There is a lot of inner work to be done here so that you don't wind up in a toxic relationship again in the future. Don't focus on what he is doing now. Focus on you, and getting yourself to a healthier emotional place. It's time to start being your own best friend rather than standing in the way of your own happiness and well-being. I had a boyfriend before him, wasn't much better either although he never hit me. Growing up I was mostly by myself, never had much emotional support from my parents. I guess I was so desperate for love that I was willing to go through anything. It's my fault, I know that now. I'm traumatized to say the least, I don't know if I'll ever be able to date again. I guess my brain is trying to protect me by avoiding the most important thing - violence, although it isn't doing me any good either. How everything turned out I feel easily disposable, replaceable, like I meant nothing to that person even though I gave my all in that relationship. Sad how I have to sit with these emotions while he acts like nothing ever happened. I guess therapy is the only way out of this mess. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miko6789 Posted January 30 Author Share Posted January 30 3 hours ago, Carlston said: Try to focus on other things when your head goes there. You'll never know the reasons, even if he came knocking on your door and begging you to take him back. Odds are he jumped into something new to kill the pain and fill the void and avoid the loneliness regardless of how strongly he might have felt about you. In the end it doesn't really matter though does it. Try to look at the positive side, he was an abusive mess, it would have been a rough ride had it lasted any longer. You're right, thank you Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 30 Share Posted January 30 (edited) On 1/29/2025 at 4:11 AM, Miko6789 said: 'm thinking it's a trauma bond although I'm not sure. I'm still stuck thinking about good times with him, that's why I can't move forward This is normal after a break up so don't be so hard on yourself. It's terrible that he punched ypu. On 1/29/2025 at 3:13 AM, Miko6789 said: Our relationship started falling apart when he punched me because i was having a panic attack and a depressive episode, I was saying nonsense and trying to do stupid stuff to myself. What caused the panic attack and what happened in the depressive episode, why where you speaking nonsense and trying to do stupid stuff to yourself. What stupid stuff? On 1/29/2025 at 3:13 AM, Miko6789 said: I asked him what his reason was for the breakup he said "I've been overwhelmed the whole time because of the arguments and I'm honestly scared to hurt you because I obviously can't give you what you deserve", the conversation got too emotional where we both ended up crying. It sounds like he is giving you his honest reason to why he broke up with you. It sounds like he's wanted to break up for some time but was scared you would harm yourself if he did and that scared him. The relationship sounded very toxic. Edited January 30 by stillafool Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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