Jimmy Jackson Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 (edited) Hi, New to this forum so hope I am posting this in the correct place. I (30M) was/have been seeing a woman (29F) for the past five months and it has been great. From the moment we started dating, she made it clear she was moving back home to save money to buy her own place (3 hours by car/train). We decided to date anyway as we got on very well from the beginning and we would just see where it went. Everything was going very well between us, we were dating exclusively, getting closer, and she told me that dating me had complicated her decision to move home. We bought Christmas gifts for one another and we spent the night together before she would go home for two weeks for the Christmas period. We also had a 'serious' conversation about 'us' and what we planned to do when she moved home. We both agreed we would be open to trying long distance, but she did focus on the impracticalities of it and seemed hesitant in some ways. I explained I wasn't expecting a big commitment or anything, just to try long distance for a couple of months and see how it goes. Once she returned from her home visit, she would only have a week left to pack/clean her place before her tenancy expired and she moved back home for good. Once she returned after Christmas, everything was very different. She is a person who gets stressed very easily. Well, she was very stressed when we met a couple days after she returned from her home visit and seemed like a totally different person, saying she had only the move home on her mind and nothing else, and her mood was very distant and cold towards me. She said she hadn't really thought about our situation & was not sure what she wanted to do moving forward. I didn't really see her again the rest of the week and we didn't speak much. I last saw her a couple days before her move at work, and conscious of the fact it may be the last time we ever got to see one another, I said to let me know what she wanted to do moving forward once everything was out of the way and the dust had settled. And if she could let me know within a week of moving home as I had to consider myself and not wait around forever. I then thought it would be best I pulled back a bit and let her deal with everything and not put any pressure on her with regards to our situation and everything she had going on. She got in touch the evening before she was due to leave once she was all packed. She was sad and kept apologising for being distant and not very nice towards me since she had got back, and not being able to spend much time together before she left. She explained it wasn't what she had intended/wanted but she's very independent and when she has something big to do, she needs to focus on it and gets tunnel vision. She told me how lovely the past few months had been for her and apologised for not spending quality time together before she leaves, acknowledged how tough it must be for me and she was in her own head too much during the last week to notice. It seemed to me that with a lot of the stress disappearing, she was starting to think about us. She moved home and we messaged back and forth for a week, I still felt unsure where I stood with our situation so I asked if she had made a decision. She said she wasn't sure how it's going to work, she wanted to make a decision but was finding it hard. She acknowledged she couldn't make me wait, couldn't make a decision and didn't know what to do, and if it was worth putting me through it all. I decided that after a couple of weeks of not knowing where I stood, I should step back and give us both space as I couldn't force it and it was starting to feel very one sided in terms of effort. I didn't want to continue to message daily indefinitely without any clarity on our situation. I told her we could maybe try chatting again in a few weeks and see how we feel at a later date. She said she felt terrible about it but understood. This was a couple of weeks ago, the only time we've spoken since is when she messaged me a week ago to wish me well for an upcoming vacation I had planned and I replied thanking her. I guess I'm writing this to vent more than anything and I think I already know the answer to my question, that it is finished and she doesn't want to try long distance. I feel she is avoiding a difficult conversation and is being very evasive and almost waiting for me to officially end it for us or for it to fade out. Surely if you want to be with someone enough, you just know? I get there are obstacles but focusing on them instead is just not in my mindset and I just wanted to give it a try for a month or two. I understand long distance is very difficult and if she doesn't want to try, I wish she'd just be honest about it and I feel I deserve an honest conversation after 5 months. I really like her and not speaking to her has been difficult for me, but I feel It was the correct decision and in my best interest. I knew the move was coming since the start, but the ending has just seemed so abrupt, everything was going so well until after Christmas and everything just changed between us very quickly. Did I do the right thing stepping back and essentially initiating no contact (at least for now)? Edited January 23 by Jimmy Jackson Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 Did she have a job waiting for her when she moved home to her parents? Did she have a job before she moved or does she work from home? I ask because if she had a stable income living where she was it would seem like a backward financial step to leave that job to go live with her parents and be unemployed. As far as your relationship goes I’m wondering if she was angling towards you inviting her to live with you rather than have her move away, and you didn’t do that, so maybe she felt you weren’t as invested as she was. If that was the case she would be a bit silly as 5 months in is way too soon to be moving in together. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 5 hours ago, Jimmy Jackson said: We also had a 'serious' conversation about 'us' and what we planned to do when she moved home. We both agreed we would be open to trying long distance, but she did focus on the impracticalities of it and seemed hesitant in some ways. I explained I wasn't expecting a big commitment or anything, just to try long distance for a couple of months and see how it goes. I’m not surprised she backed off and got colder after this statement of yours. She was probably expecting you to actively try and make it work. Instead, you basically told her you didn’t think the relationship was serious, and showed you didn’t want to be responsible for any decision. Obviously, this was a turn-off for her. Then, as she was recovering from her disappointment, she gave you another chance. Yet, for some reason, while she was probably eagerly waiting for your input, you decided to stay passive and again left the decision in her hands. To make it even worse, you stopped communicating with her. If you truly have deep feelings for this woman, you must show them to her. You’ll have to actively try to make it work, and let her know about that. If your feelings are lukewarm, as one would deduce from your non-committing statements and passive behavior, then you shouldn’t care about what she says or does anyway. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmy Jackson Posted January 24 Author Share Posted January 24 6 hours ago, Gebidozo said: I’m not surprised she backed off and got colder after this statement of yours. She was probably expecting you to actively try and make it work. Instead, you basically told her you didn’t think the relationship was serious, and showed you didn’t want to be responsible for any decision. Obviously, this was a turn-off for her. Then, as she was recovering from her disappointment, she gave you another chance. Yet, for some reason, while she was probably eagerly waiting for your input, you decided to stay passive and again left the decision in her hands. To make it even worse, you stopped communicating with her. If you truly have deep feelings for this woman, you must show them to her. You’ll have to actively try to make it work, and let her know about that. If your feelings are lukewarm, as one would deduce from your non-committing statements and passive behavior, then you shouldn’t care about what she says or does anyway. Thank you for your comment. I'm not sure I agree though. I will add further context. When we were dating I always got the impression she was a bit avoidant. She would say things about feeling external relationship pressures from societal expectations, how she was afraid of commitment and people she dated tended to like her more than she liked them. I could tell she was on the fence about long distance, and with her sometimes keeping me at arms length, I didn't want to scare her and ask for a big commitment, especially after 5 months. I think I've made it pretty clear I'm interested in her and have told her I liked her and wanted to try. I've been met with "not sure" & "don't know" the last few weeks. I was passive because I made my feelings clear but it wasn't getting me anywhere, I didn't want to seem pushy/needy and try force something. There's only so much I can do on my own and I left the decision in her hands because on 2/3 occasions I made it clear I wanted to try but I wasn't getting an answer. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 I think you are right, OP. I don't think she has the heart (yet) to tell you clearly that she doesn't want to try long-distance with you and this chapter is ending here. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 that's the classic "i don't know what i want right now" response - meaning, i know i don't want you but i don't have the heart to end it so i'm hoping you'll get sick of me ignoring you and end it yourself. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted January 24 Share Posted January 24 On 1/23/2025 at 10:47 PM, Jimmy Jackson said: I last saw her a couple days before her move at work, and conscious of the fact it may be the last time we ever got to see one another, I said to let me know what she wanted to do moving forward once everything was out of the way and the dust had settled. And if she could let me know within a week of moving home as I had to consider myself and not wait around forever. (...) She was sad and kept apologising for being distant and not very nice towards me since she had got back, and not being able to spend much time together before she left. She explained it wasn't what she had intended/wanted but she's very independent and when she has something big to do, she needs to focus on it and gets tunnel vision. She told me how lovely the past few months had been for her and apologised for not spending quality time together before she leaves, acknowledged how tough it must be for me and she was in her own head too much during the last week to notice. It seemed to me that with a lot of the stress disappearing, she was starting to think about us. She moved home and we messaged back and forth for a week, I still felt unsure where I stood with our situation so I asked if she had made a decision. She said she wasn't sure how it's going to work, she wanted to make a decision but was finding it hard. She acknowledged she couldn't make me wait, couldn't make a decision and didn't know what to do, and if it was worth putting me through it all. I decided that after a couple of weeks of not knowing where I stood, I should step back and give us both space as I couldn't force it and it was starting to feel very one sided in terms of effort. I didn't want to continue to message daily indefinitely without any clarity on our situation. I told her we could maybe try chatting again in a few weeks and see how we feel at a later date. She said she felt terrible about it but understood. As I understand it, she was supposed to let you know what she'd decided within a week of her moving back home. She didn't. At that point, you really should have ended things and moved on. Instead, you kept on extending your "deadline." I don't think that little speech she gave at the end of the last week was any help. It would probably have been kinder, in the long term, for her to continue being distant because, quite frankly, she had already broken up with you in her head by that point (in my opinion ). You've done the right thing. But I don't think you should just "step away." I think you should close the door completely, leaving no room for the possibility that she might change her mind one day. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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