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Did she take the easy way out?


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John_Delaney

How we met and started dating

I met my last girlfriend, M, through a mutual friend just when I was getting serious with my first real adult girlfriend. Shortly after, our mutual friend asked if things between me and her were getting serious, and when I said "yes," she expressed that her friend M would be disappointed.

I spent 2 years in that relationship before breaking it off due to some mental health issues this girl had. In those two years I had seen M a couple of times; my girlfriend disliked her because we had a certain chemistry and accused me of flirting (she was the jealous type).

A couple of months after I broke up with my first real girlfriend, our mutual friend organized a dinner party with the intent of setting us up. There she learned that I was dating again and that I was using Bumble. Shortly after M and I matched on Bumble, we started chatting. I was interested, but I was afraid that having mutual friends might complicate things and would mean things would have to get serious. So I was interested, playful, and flirty but didn't initiate the dating process. M did. We kissed on our first date, slept together on the second date, and it was the start of a beautiful relationship.

Important to note is that her chasing me and having to convince me a bit played a big part in our psychological dynamic. 

The relationship

I was never head over heels in love. But I did love her. It came naturally. Never questioned if I wanted to continue seeing her or not, which is quite rare for me. I moved in with her a year later. We did great. Sure, there were some annoyances and troubling spots, but we had a great relationship. I was there for her when she had a burnout. She said she wouldn't have made it without me. Even her therapist congratulated me on how I handled it all. And she was understanding when I was struggling in my head.

What was the struggle?

My fear of having children. M had a strong desire to have children. Initially two, but she was willing to settle for one as a compromise. I handled the fears wrong.

I didn't talk to people. Asked the wrong questions to a therapist. The fears were just looping through my head, and the only thing I did was look up stuff online that reinforced my fears. I should've jumped. Nearly bought her an engagement ring in June of 2023.

And perhaps the biggest mistake I made was that I never saw a future together. Never had images of her as a mother. Walking down the aisle.Her being happy and me being happy. A happy family. My fears interfered with this image the second I thought of the future.

The breakup

We broke up in August 2023. Honestly, it was a smooth break for me. Moved back to my hometown, saw friends, started dating left and right, and had more time for my hobbies. And like I said, I didn't have to separate from a future because I never saw one due to my fears. 

Don't get me wrong. I missed her. Missed the relationship. But I was always able to rationalize this because of me not wanting kids. It was the right decision, so I had to move on. Another big mistake. I should've taken the time to revisit the question of children while single, without the pressure of being in a relationship and having to find an answer to that question.

For her it was hell. She was alone in the house, filled with memories. All her friends were getting married, having kids. She was dumped. She had to get over me, the relationship, the vision of our future together, and the pressure of her wish for children.

Her friends stopped talking about kids when she was around. Her oldest friend apologized to her when announcing her pregnancy. Another friend asked if she "was going to lower her standards being single and wanting a child in her thirties.". Her mother wanted to retire in case she wanted to become a single mom through sperm donation. It was a rough year.

I kept my distance but kept it cordial. Didn't reach out, but didn't ghost her. We met up a couple of times, usually on her initiative. We were going to try to stay friends. It was a delicate balance.

In the summer of 2024 I started missing her more. It led to a nasty incident. We were at a BBQ with mutual friends, and I denied her a hug… I was trying to protect myself, I think. The next day we had an argument, and I'm not going to lie, I was a huge patronizing a**h***. Told her to move on. Told her that because this was her first relationship, she didn't know yet that you can meet someone else and just move on. I was rough.

Shortly after, she started texting me with a more sexual tone. I tried to keep my distance, but I couldn't… I still loved her and thought I could handle it. I was still strongly convinced we broke up for a good reason and that the reason was still there.

The sexual reconnection and aftermath

We had sex twice. It was romantic at times, but also quite kinky. A lot kinkier than the sex we had as a couple. She tried to play it cool, as something casual, and I thought I was okay with it and that I could handle it. There were two moments during these hookups that are important to the story:

1. She asked if this wouldn't make it harder to say goodbye. I said no; I truly thought I could handle it.

2. She asked how my stance on children was today. Because I never revisited the subject and thought me leaving her was proof I didn't want kids, I said, "It's a shut case.".

Shortly after she texted me, and I didn't reply until the next day because I had company over. She was really angry about it. She said that this is something good friends don't do, that there was a reason she felt like she couldn't open up to me, that men always screw it up for themselves. It was very vicious.

I broke off our romance immediately. Too intense, too complicated. We had a video call to make amends as friends. But it was too late…

I had fallen in love again. 

And then it happened.

I saw a future.

Saw her as a mother, myself as a father. Together, a loving family.

I didn't want to jump the gun and change my views overnight, so I decided to give myself some time.

All my fears were gone. Not only was I willing to give her a child, maybe even two. I wanted to be a father. And this isn't something I take lightly. I work in education, and every single day I see the results of shitty parenting. M being a doctor also meant I was going to be the primary parent. I was ready for it all. Excited for it.

In mid-December 2024, I reached out and went over to her place. Not to talk, but to start the process. A fun night. Invite her over to dinner at my place. Some romance. Connect. And then talk about what had changed.

First contact

I immediately felt something was off. She was a bit more distant, less physical. Maybe it was because I broke off our romance; I didn't know.

Later she told me that she thought I was going to tell her I had a new girlfriend. She also had a big fight the night before over a morning-after pill with… her new boyfriend.

They had a first date prior to our romance. He then went abroad on a trip, and when he came back, she was abroad for a week. She wasn't planning on dating seriously until 2025, but this guy was chasing her like mad. Showering her with affection. It all went very fast. 

She was going to bring her to a NYE dinner party two weeks later. He was apparently eager to meet me; he was curious about me.

I went on autopilot and wished her the best. We chatted some more, gave each other a big heartfelt hug, and I left. 

Now it was my time to go through hell.

The two weeks leading up to Christmas were hell. I was emotional beyond control; I really lost myself. It was a unique experience, as I am usually very much in control of my emotions. I cried for the first time in 19 years. Genuine emotion, but not in a healthy way. I felt like my future happiness depended on M. That my life would be over because I screwed things up.

I was torn.

Was I going to tell her? I didn't want to be the ex that reappears just as she was ready to move on. This girl had already wasted 5 years of her life on me. Important years for someone who really wants a family.

But what if I didn't? Would she forgive me? What if she was settling and would find out I was ready to have kids when it was all too late?

I was torn.

I anticipated that she would be distant on NYE due to her new boyfriend, but I knew she was going to check in on me to see if I was okay. I planned on wishing her the best in her new chapter and that I hoped we could remain friends. I was also going to hint that I had learned something since our romance in October that I would implement in my new chapter. I thought at the time (although I realize now I was wrong) that it would be a perfect message. Something she could use as closure and move on if she was fully committed to the new guy, but also something she could ask about if she still had lingering feelings for me.

New Year's Eve

Like I said, I thought she would be distant. She wasn't. Neither was he. In fact, he was trying to connect with me quite a bit. In fact, in retrospect, he interacted mostly with me and with M.

This is also influenced by the fact that some of our friends didn't like him. Two friends thought he was douchey and had a high sense of himself. Another friend didn't find him sincere, a bit of a kiss ass. My best friend really hated him because he made a comment about how much he was drinking (my best friend grew up with an alcoholic dad, so he is extra sensitive about it).

M didn't keep her distance. I was getting all kinds of signals. When I was talking to her new boyfriend, I saw her tear up. When I gave her my message, she stopped me because she would start to cry. She followed me outside and started asking about what I had learned since our romance, but we were cut short due to a friend joining us. She rubbed my arm and gave me a loving look when he wasn't in the room. We were alone in the kitchen, and when her best friend came in, she thought we had kissed. I think that says enough about our chemistry.

Shortly after, we went outside to a more private area. She started crying. As did I. Must've been a shock, as I am usually very emotionally reserved and in control.

She started saying that she didn't quite feel it yet with the new guy. He is crazy about her and already told her that he loved her, but she needed some more time to let things grow. She said that breaking up with me was the hardest thing she ever had to do. I told her I made mistakes in how I handled my fears.

We fell into each other's arms, crying, kissing cheeks and foreheads. I asked her if she was willing to talk about the future, and she said, Of course, fell into my arms crying, and called me by my pet name.

When I came home, I saw that she had sent me a huge heart emoji. I told her I loved her and that I wanted to see her soon.

The next three days

I was in heaven on the first of January. She wasn't.They had slept at our friend's place (she probably sent the emoji with him next to her in bed). They had to have New Year's lunch with her family. He had already met the family despite the relationship being very young. Then they had to go have dinner with his parents, the first time meeting them. 

The new guy realized something was off. He was shooting daggers at me with his eyes when we said our goodbyes on NYE.

The next day she had to work. She called me afterwards. She was very emotional.Torn. She was finally having some peace, and then this happened. There was friction with the new guy. She doesn't have a poker face. We agreed to meet on Wednesday. She was so torn. Her mother was so happy she finally met someone. She would have to hurt him so much. He did so much for her it was "not normal.". He was crazy about her. Not a single argument that came from her feelings towards him. She had to cut the call short because the new guy was calling her.

The day after that she left another emotional voice message. It wasn't fair. She was having some peace. I asked her if she wanted to call. She couldn't. The new guy could arrive at her place any minute.

The next day she texted me and asked if we could have our conversation today "to have it over with.". I didn't read into it at the time.

She came over, white as a sheet and emotionally blocked. Flinched at my touch, at least at first.

At first she was angry at me because I confused her just as she was about starting something new. I told her I was willing to take my part of the responsibility but that she cannot say she didn't do some pretty confusing stuff. When I mentioned the heart emoji, she acknowledged that she shouldn't have done that. She tried to downplay everything else, which wasn’t fair. 

I was going to tell her my story and tell her that I wasn't going to force a decision. She said that the decision was already in a state of being forced. The new guy dumped her that morning.If she didn't call him that night, it would be over. I don't know if that is something she felt or something he explicitly said. From her phrasing, I think it was the latter.

She said she was in a nightmare. Felt that she had to make a decision for the rest of her life. I asked her who she pictured the dad of her child would be. She said that she only pictured being pregnant and having a baby, no father in her mind. 

She thanked me for the validation. She always thought she didn't mean anything to me and that it was her fault I didn't want to have kids. She even said that our romance was her playing games with me because the breakup was too easy for me. I don't think she meant that. I think it was her way of finally closing things off. She also said that me saying, "Having kids is a shut case," destroyed her last hope. It felt like she had to say goodbye all over again…

She said she was going to make the biggest mistake of her life. She left to call the new guy to patch things up…

I saw her stumble down the street as she left. I cannot help but feel that she was forced to make a snap decision between a complicated love or the "easy" option, at least in the short term. It's obvious she doesn't love him yet. She was pressured by time, fear, short-term stability, and what I now assume is his manipulation.

The current situation

I am surprisingly OK with the situation.It has been three weeks now. I'm emotionally back in control. I regret my mistakes of the past, which is a new thing for me. I will require some mourning, but I will get over it. I have seen so many people break up or get divorced only to find another love after. I’m not the romantic type in that respect. 

I am for the first time in years happy to look at the future. After our break, I thought, "It's obvious you don't want kids because you left, and most women do, so you WILL HAVE TO BE happy as a single man." Not the healthiest of mindsets. 

Now I can continue to be a happy single man, or I can meet someone who wants kids, doesn't want kids, or doesn't know yet. It is for the first time I see nothing but options in my future when it comes to relationships. Like I said, this is new. 

I am working on myself. Going to quit smoking. No more drinking during the week. Exercise a bit more. Just do stuff for me. Today I went to see a psychologist to see if I am still eligible for the diagnosis of ADHD (I was diagnosed as a teenager, but I feel it still influences me until today).

Don't get me wrong. I still have hopes. It's hard not to. Especially since her best friend told me that she still has doubts about the new guy. She also mentioned something about M "once again seeing a future" before cutting herself off.

It wouldn't be unconditional, though. Can I still trust her?

- Did she really play games with me to hurt my feelings? On NYE she said that the nice thing about us is that we wished each other the best.

- She gave me so much hope, to the extent I thought it was a done deal... only to have the rug pulled from under my feet three days later.

- And perhaps most importantly: what did she tell the new guy? Did she say she just needed closure? Did she leave out all the details? I cannot fathom him taking her back even if he knew only half of what had happened. He is in his late thirties and living with his parents, maybe he is desperate enough, who knows. If she can lie  to him to reconcile, would I be able to trust her if she wanted me back? 

I will be able to move on. I have to. Either way. If my future holds reconciliation with her or moving on with someone else or being single, the path is the same. Heal, mourn, and work on myself.

I have no contact with her. No intention of having contact with her. Out of respect for her, her decision, and myself. I will also refrain from talking about the situation with mutual friends. I will not interfere in any way. I had one conversation with her best friend and already regret it. 

But here is the thing…

Is she being love-bombed?

Between mid-November, when they became exclusive, and NYE, the following things happened between them.

- They went on a weekend trip abroad.

- He said he loved her. She said she needed to let things grow.

- He then bought her an expensive piece of gold jewelry.

- In the third week of being exclusive, they already had a fight over a morning-after pill. Did she want to take one, and did he object? Did she find it wasn't necessary to take one, and did he want her to do it anyway?

- When we were outside on NYE for 10 minutes, he started to look for her. Asked people where she was. Where I was.

- She says, "He does so much for me and is so crazy about me.". She literally said, "It's not normal" (in a positive way).

- He already met her family and her friends.

- He was very curious about me, even prior to NYE.

- They spent NYE together, the first of January together, the next day he called, and the day after that he came over and stayed there until the day of our conversation.

- After they patched things up they had brunch the first weekend and went to the seaside the weekend after that. 

- He dumped her for wanting to talk to me. Possibly with a short window of time for her to get him back.

The relationship is moving fast, and she is being showered with love, attention, and gifts. And it is instilling her with guilt. Every argument she had was a guilt-driven argument. Not a single mention of her feelings other than that she needed to let things grow. I thought this would work in my favour, because she likes chasing and convincing a bit, like most women. She normally wouldn't go for a guy throwing himself at her feet.

I am genuinely scared that she is being love bombed. I don't trust the guy. Certain mutual friends don't trust him either. He's an only child, living with his parents, not on social media.

Maybe he is just insecure and a tad controlling, but I see a lot of red flags here.

She is 33 and wants two kids. She is a people pleaser. Easily feels guilty over things.Has difficulty with setting boundaries. She knows all this and has communicated this many times in the past. She is desperate to have a family and kids. She and her best friend have both told me she would never settle, but I have seen it happen too many times before. Woman, early thirties, fast relationship, ignoring doubts, ring, baby, baby, divorce. 

Her mother likes the guy. She is a domineering mother who uses guilt tactics and transactional love herself.

In her mind, "he had to dump her.". He went back to his parents place after that, so they probably know something about it as well. She hates to be "that woman," something she expressed during our final conversation.

I'm afraid that he will use this to induce more guilt. Drag her deeper into his web. Today I realized M keeps her diary out in the open, in the living room. I never looked into it, respecting her privacy. But if it is out and about, he might use it against her.

Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe he is just a lonely loser who falls head over heels in love with any woman who gives him attention. I don't know.

My questions are:

1. Are these red flags? Is she being love-bombed? Could it be harmless, just a lonely dude with insecurities and not a lot of experience? 

2. Is there a chance she will come back? I cannot help but feel like I am still the love of her life and that she took the easy short term solution after having a tough year? 

 


 

Edited by John_Delaney
forgot to mention something
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ExpatInItaly

I'm going to admit that I didn't read the entire novel here. But I read the important parts and got the gist. 

1 hour ago, John_Delaney said:

1. Are these red flags? Is she being love-bombed? Could it be harmless, just a lonely dude with insecurities and not a lot of experience? 

Bluntly? None of this is your business anymore. She is big girl. She can look out for herself. How they conduct themselves is up to them and you're way too obsessed with it. Don't torment yourself with questions that change nothing for you. 

1 hour ago, John_Delaney said:

Is there a chance she will come back?

Very doubtful. Too much damage has been done. 

1 hour ago, John_Delaney said:

My best friend really hated him because he made a comment about how much he was drinking (my best friend grew up with an alcoholic dad, so he is extra sensitive about it).

You have got no douche-accusing leg to stand on, sir:

1 hour ago, John_Delaney said:

I'm not going to lie, I was a huge patronizing a**h***. Told her to move on. Told her that because this was her first relationship, she didn't know yet that you can meet someone else and just move on.

Me thinks the bigger douchey one is you. 

1 hour ago, John_Delaney said:

I cannot help but feel like I am still the love of her life and that she took the easy short term solution after having a tough year? 

With all due respect, your arrogance is off the charts. There's an astonishing lack of insight on your part here. You are not the love of her life. The love of her life wouldn't have treated her the way you did. She seems to realize that now, too. 

And what on earth makes you think this was the "easy" way out for her? You have been dismissive and flat-out mean to her at times. You didn't want her until you no longer had her. And her dating someone else is the easy way out? Dude. You have got some serious reflecting and growing to do. She and her new boyfriend might not last, but she appears to have finally understood she deserves better. If he isn't it for her, it will be someone else. 

It's a closed chapter now. Try to accept that, and let her go. You two are not meant for Happily Ever After. 

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John_Delaney

I think you only glossed over what I have written.

I wanted her back prior to knowing she had a new boyfriend. And I do realize I was dismissive and mean to her, for which I have apologized. And she told me on NYE I was the most important man in her life and that she would always cherish me. I'm not here for some tough love break-up advice. 


And yes, she is a big girl, but also one in a vunerable position with certain quirks (as aknowleged by her) that would fall into a love bombers trap. She will always be a part of my life due to mutual friends. Also the entire NYE incident and everything her best friend told me 4 days after our final conversation is a strong indication about how she feels about me. 

The title "easy way out" wasn't about her dating him. It was about the time pressure he created and the fact she finally found some peace and didn't want to upset this short term stability. 

Appreciate the reply though. But please read before you comment. 

Edited by John_Delaney
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1 hour ago, John_Delaney said:

Appreciate the reply though. But please read before you comment. 

Best to supply a TL;DR    I got lost about halfway through, and I suspect Expat and I aren't the only ones.....

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