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I feel like I'm worse than her ex


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Do you have any sexual/dating experience before you met your wife? Is your wife the only woman who you've had sex with? If not, why can't you see her past the same way that you see your past...as relationships that didn't work out? Do you view those women from your past as better than your wife? Probably not, so why do you view the men from her past as better than you? 

You don't really know that you're wife wouldn't have had sex with you on the first date because you never tried. How are you able to twist this around to her being more attracted to them or them being better than you when the only difference is they tried for sex and you didn't?

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On 1/12/2025 at 4:11 AM, SurfCity said:

Do you have any sexual/dating experience before you met your wife? Is your wife the only woman who you've had sex with? If not, why can't you see her past the same way that you see your past...as relationships that didn't work out? Do you view those women from your past as better than your wife? Probably not, so why do you view the men from her past as better than you? 

You don't really know that you're wife wouldn't have had sex with you on the first date because you never tried. How are you able to twist this around to her being more attracted to them or them being better than you when the only difference is they tried for sex and you didn't?

 

Well, things are never that simple, are they? In fact, my wife was not my first romantic interest or my first sexual experience, although I have to confess that I had much less emotional and sexual experience than she did.

 

In any case, the beginning of a relationship is a kind of dance in which the couple advances and retreats according to the other's movements. I met my wife several times before she actually went to bed with me. Sometimes she would reject my advances; she would lessen the intensity of a kiss; she would claim that she had to go home early. I recognize part of my responsibility for not having been more incisive, but I also see that her movements during that dance were not the most daring either, to say the least.

 

Some time later, during the relationship, when we talked about past relationships, she described more accurately the fact that she had actually gone to bed with other men very easily. They were calm conversations, without arguments, without resentment, but they made me think a lot. She gave herself to them with desire and speed, while with me it took weeks. Then again, I admit that I was partly responsible for not being so incisive and, to be honest, after I found out that she went to bed with them on the first night, I regret it, since I see that there was no reason for the wait. On the other hand, the delay of weeks, partly caused by her, makes me think that I am not attractive to her as they were.

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2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Did you order the book I suggested?  

 

Yes, I did - the Kindle version. Thanks.

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ExpatInItaly

You say therapy didn't work for you. 

What did you therapist suggest to help you cope with feeling so poorly about yourself? What goal did you hope to achieve with this therapy? 

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ShyViolet
11 hours ago, the searcher said:

On the other hand, the delay of weeks, partly caused by her, makes me think that I am not attractive to her as they were.

Ok so why do you think she married you?  

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12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok so why do you think she married you?  

Of course, there are countless answers to this question, some of them are simple and others are complex. Perhaps the main answer is that she likes me, but there are also other characteristics that I have that her last two relationships did not have. For example, I am a faithful husband, I am always willing to listen to what she has to say and I always try to spend time with her family, forming sincere emotional bonds with them. Her last two exes did not have these characteristics - they cheated on her and ignored her family. I believe that when she saw that I was like this, she thought I would be a good husband, and we went ahead.

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1 hour ago, the searcher said:

Perhaps the main answer is that she likes me, but there are also other characteristics that I have that her last two relationships did not have. For example, I am a faithful husband, I am always willing to listen to what she has to say and I always try to spend time with her family, forming sincere emotional bonds with them.

Interesting that you didn't use the word 'love' here.   And there's nothing in here about the two of you enjoying each other's company, having fun and doing nice things together.   Try and unpack it further, because if these truly are the only reasons she married you, then your marriage is in trouble. 

Glad you ordered the book.  Has your wife agreed to read it?  There's a hell of a lot of marriage therapy in it - there is going to be many parts where you will have to consider if her loss of libido is connected to stuff you're doing/not doing so keep an open mind about this being a place for improvement.  And do reflect on the connection between your insecurity/focus on her past as a potential reason for her loss of attraction to you.  It's a very unattractive trait

 

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3 hours ago, the searcher said:

Of course, there are countless answers to this question, some of them are simple and others are complex. Perhaps the main answer is that she likes me, but there are also other characteristics that I have that her last two relationships did not have. For example, I am a faithful husband, I am always willing to listen to what she has to say and I always try to spend time with her family, forming sincere emotional bonds with them. Her last two exes did not have these characteristics - they cheated on her and ignored her family. I believe that when she saw that I was like this, she thought I would be a good husband, and we went ahead.

There is only one main reason to marry someone, and that is for love. All other reasons are secondary.

If it is really true that your wife only “likes” you, then the problem is much bigger than jealousy over past relationships. 

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3 hours ago, basil67 said:

And do reflect on the connection between your insecurity/focus on her past as a potential reason for her loss of attraction to you.  It's a very unattractive trait

I don't often bring up this topic of past relationships. The last time I did it was in January of last year, so a year ago. Before that, I think it was over a year ago again. It's a subject that, frankly, I must have brought up, literally, less than six times since we got married, and I'm careful never to do it in a rude or demanding way. I'm careful with my language: I don't demand or judge. However, I'm obsessed with it, and she doesn't even know about my secret obsession.

 

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

And there's nothing in here about the two of you enjoying each other's company, having fun and doing nice things together.

These were just a few examples, which is why I started the sentence with "for example". We do a lot of things together that we enjoy.

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2 minutes ago, the searcher said:

I don't often bring up this topic of past relationships. The last time I did it was in January of last year, so a year ago. Before that, I think it was over a year ago again. It's a subject that, frankly, I must have brought up, literally, less than six times since we got married, and I'm careful never to do it in a rude or demanding way. I'm careful with my language: I don't demand or judge. However, I'm obsessed with it, and she doesn't even know about my secret obsession.

OK, so she does know that this bugs you.   

2 minutes ago, the searcher said:

These were just a few examples, which is why I started the sentence with "for example". We do a lot of things together that we enjoy.

Good to hear.  Your initial report sounded very dry

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ExpatInItaly
19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You say therapy didn't work for you. 

What did you therapist suggest to help you cope with feeling so poorly about yourself? What goal did you hope to achieve with this therapy? 

Quoting myself because you mayu have missed this question, @the searcher

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1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Quoting myself because you mayu have missed this question, @the searcher

I started therapy to try to improve my life in general, things like self-esteem, excessive worry about life, and so on. I never liked the idea of therapy and, after all this time, I still don't like it. I go to therapy as an act of faith, because everyone says it's good, but I find it very boring and useless. In any case, the therapist tries everything he can, from guided meditation exercises to reframing the past, conversations, new approaches... So far, nothing has worked, but he has become a good friend.

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9 minutes ago, the searcher said:

because everyone says it's good, but I find it very boring and useless. In any case, the therapist tries everything he can, from guided meditation exercises to reframing the past, conversations, new approaches... So far, nothing has worked, but he has become a good friend.

Your therapist is not your friend - if you know the ins and outs of their life, that's a significant boundary which has been crossed.

If the therapy hasn't worked, why are you still spending good money on them?   How can you justify this to your wife?   What does the therapist say is the cause of your obsession with this?   

 

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ExpatInItaly
13 minutes ago, the searcher said:

I never liked the idea of therapy and, after all this time, I still don't like it. I go to therapy as an act of faith, because everyone says it's good, but I find it very boring and useless.

If you're not open to therapy and feel it's boring and useless, how on earth could you have expected it to help you? 

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10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If the therapy hasn't worked, why are you still spending good money on them?   How can you justify this to your wife?

 

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If you're not open to therapy and feel it's boring and useless, how on earth could you have expected it to help you? 

Look, I understand your concerns about my money, and I'm not the richest guy in the world, but that's not what made me create this thread here on the forum. I started therapy because, in theory, certain things, like medications or therapeutic interventions, should work regardless of whether I believe in them or not. Otherwise, they're just placebos. That said, I'm still in therapy because I haven't found anything that has a better chance of helping me. But again, that's not what this thread is about. I'm the one who decides whether or not to go to therapy. The thread was about my relationship with my wife.

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ExpatInItaly
1 minute ago, the searcher said:

I'm the one who decides whether or not to go to therapy. The thread was about my relationship with my wife.

Do you not see the connection between effective therapy and the relationship with your wife? 

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11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What does the therapist say is the cause of your obsession with this?   

He says that I am an obsessive person in general. I have an extraordinary memory and tend to overanalyze every event and conversation. Being an introvert, I often pay more attention to my memory than to what is happening around me (the present world). What he doesn't know yet is how to improve this.

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On 1/11/2025 at 8:30 AM, basil67 said:

I've had some regretful first date sex, and I'm sure she has too.  Do you really think you're worth less than those mistakes?

How often and under what circumstances do you remember and think about those events of first date sex? How do you feel about them? That is, of course, if you don't consider my question too invasive and want to answer.

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ExpatInItaly
32 minutes ago, the searcher said:

How often and under what circumstances do you remember and think about those events of first date sex? How do you feel about them? That is, of course, if you don't consider my question too invasive and want to answer.

A sincere question: how does continuing to ask the same sorts of questions that enable your obsessive thoughts help you? 

What do you feel you are going to gain from hearing the answers from someone who is not your wife? 

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9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

A sincere question: how does continuing to ask the same sorts of questions that enable your obsessive thoughts help you? 

What do you feel you are going to gain from hearing the answers from someone who is not your wife? 

As I mentioned in two or three answers here, I avoid asking my wife these kinds of questions because I don't want her to feel like her privacy is being invaded. I don't want her to feel judged or pressured. So, throughout our marriage, I've had few conversations with her about this - and I want it to stay that way. I have no intention of her suffering.

 

So, besides always reflecting on what I already know and, unfortunately, going back over the past, another thing I do is try to see and review (thousands of times) these things from other angles and perspectives. That's why every insight is valid; every piece of information is valid. I like to know how other people see these things in their lives, after all, obviously, we're all human, and our experiences will have something in common, don't you think?

 

It seems to me to be a very valid and positive way for me to be able to develop new ways of seeing the same thing. Isn't that what it's all about?

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51 minutes ago, the searcher said:

How often and under what circumstances do you remember and think about those events of first date sex? How do you feel about them? That is, of course, if you don't consider my question too invasive and want to answer.

Well, I know I've had them, but I can't say I've ever gone back reminiscing over them.   None were really that memorable haha.   

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1 hour ago, the searcher said:

He says that I am an obsessive person in general. I have an extraordinary memory and tend to overanalyze every event and conversation. Being an introvert, I often pay more attention to my memory than to what is happening around me (the present world). What he doesn't know yet is how to improve this.

If he doesn't know how to improve it, then you need a new therapist.  Or psychiatrist.  This is no way to live

Also an introvert myself, I can't say I'm familiar with the concept that paying attention to one's memory rather than the world is part of introversion.  

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1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Well, I know I've had them, but I can't say I've ever gone back reminiscing over them.   None were really that memorable haha.   

Thanks for sharing.

 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Also an introvert myself, I can't say I'm familiar with the concept that paying attention to one's memory rather than the world is part of introversion.

Introverts may focus on a variety of things - some enjoy reading, others prefer a peaceful time alone. And some of us spend time reminiscing over memories.

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ExpatInItaly
2 hours ago, the searcher said:

our experiences will have something in common, don't you think?

To a point, yes. But does that really necessitate you going over and over these same things thousands of times? What have you learned here that you haven't already heard before? How is it actually helping you, since it seems no real progress has been made? This is mostly a rhetorical questiion, something to chew on. 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

If he doesn't know how to improve it, then you need a new therapist.  Or psychiatrist.

I was going to venture the same thing. If your therapist is unable to help you, it may simply be because the issues are beyond the scope of a therapist. Therapists aren't doctors and there could be an actual underlying mental health issue, OP. I would urge you to consider stepping up the treatment you've been seeking and explore another professional opinion. 

This isn't all about your wife, in other words. These obsessive and intrusive thoughts may the symptom of other unidentified issues. 

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