Dating an Older Man for 2 Years, Not Sure Where It's Heading

[S2B]

I agree that when any man really wants to see you he makes the effort.

even when YOU drive the distance to see him he doesn’t wine and dine you. And sex is insufficient now. So what is he offering besides someone to talk to?

real boyfriends take you OUT often and plan vacations with you. They shower you with time and attention and can’t wait to have you meet family and friends.

it’s an illusion of saying someone. He’s really not offered you a “boyfriend” experience. In my experience he falls way to short in many areas to consider continuing.

what gift did he give you for Christmas?

Edited Saturday at 05:06 AM by S2B

[S2B]

I’d be betting money he sees someone else along with seeing you.

and he’s never going to tell you that either.

[Be Okay]

On 1/10/2025 at 8:16 PM, basil67 said:

Before I married my first husband, I used to drive 45min to visit him multiple times a week.  And commuting to work took an hour each way

This is why I suggest that he doesn't love you like you want him to

I get it. The more time I’ve taken to process all of this, the more I realize how messed up it is that he’s basically made no attempt to see me. 

[Be Okay]

23 hours ago, S2B said:

I agree that when any man really wants to see you he makes the effort.

even when YOU drive the distance to see him he doesn’t wine and dine you. And sex is insufficient now. So what is he offering besides someone to talk to?

real boyfriends take you OUT often and plan vacations with you. They shower you with time and attention and can’t wait to have you meet family and friends.

it’s an illusion of saying someone. He’s really not offered you a “boyfriend” experience. In my experience he falls way to short in many areas to consider continuing.

what gift did he give you for Christmas?

I’ve taken a lot of time this weekend to reflect on what he actually offers me. Other than taking me out to dinner once in a while, he doesn’t really offer any of the things you’ve listed above. The truth hurts and he’s not offering me  a “boyfriend” experience. He’s generous in the gifts he purchases for me, but gifts are definitely not my love language. 

[Be Okay]

23 hours ago, S2B said:

I’d be betting money he sees someone else along with seeing you.

and he’s never going to tell you that either.

Damn, it really hurts to even think about something like this. You’re not the first person who’s suggested it. He doesn’t seem like the type of person who would do something like this, but you just never really know what people are capable of. I’ve really tried to give him the benefit of doubt and not be insecure with things like this. I was in a relationship where I was constantly accused of cheating with absolutely no basis. It ultimately destroyed the relationship. Not even sure how I’d go about uncovering the truth about something like this. 

[S2B]

It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand his truth.

you already understand now that someone you date should be capable of offering a LOT of beauty to your daily life. 

you’ve learned the hard way - when someone isn’t prioritizing YOU - they are prioritizing other things (even being alone).

and if that’s what he’s prioritizing - ok - it mainly means that you two aren’t that compatible - that your needs don’t necessarily align with his needs.

but take this opportunity to have the possibility of finding someone MORE compatible in your future.

[Be Okay]

After spending the last several days interacting on this forum, connecting with my 2 best friends on the matter and reading as much as I can, I’ve come to the conclusion that I do indeed need to end this relationship. I haven’t seen my BF since New Year’s Day (10 days). I’ve definitely pulled away in the last several days as I’ve been very introspective on the issues at hand. He’s been really sick since the middle of this past week, meaning we’re not seeing each other this weekend (didn’t see him last weekend either). Since he’ll probably be sick into next week (plus, we don’t spend time together during the week anyway), it will end up being about 2.5 weeks between seeing each other. He gets sick a lot and this is not uncommon for these types of lapses in time to occur. 

He’s been pretty quiet the last few days, but so have I. It’s a little bit out of character for him to be so out of touch, but I have been a little cold. He hasn’t called in a week but neither have I. This has reaffirmed my decision to breakup. Until about an hour ago, I made the definitive choice to reach out to him tomorrow via text informing that this is no longer working and to request meeting up next week to discuss this/break up/pick up my belongings. About an hour ago, he texted me saying that he went to the doctor yesterday and found out he has Norovirus and bronchitis. Now I feel like this has derailed my plans. He’s definitely going to blame his illnesses on not being able to see me the last 10 days and into next week. I’m going to look like a total jerk breaking up with when he’s sick. Please help me navigate this. It honestly feels like he’s always sick. When he gets sick, it’s not the sniffles for a few days — it’s all out going to the doctor, missing work and not being able to see me for 2 weeks. No exaggeration, this type of scenario has probably happened at least 8 times in past 2 years.

I’ve been really anxious and upset about this whole situation all weekend. Communicating with all of you has really opened my eyes to the entire situation.  I really want to move forward with the breakup and just kind of get it over with so I can start to move on and heal. Is it okay to still move forward with my plans, or should I wait until he’s feeling better? 

[Be Okay]

22 minutes ago, S2B said:

It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand his truth.

you already understand now that someone you date should be capable of offering a LOT of beauty to your daily life. 

you’ve learned the hard way - when someone isn’t prioritizing YOU - they are prioritizing other things (even being alone).

and if that’s what he’s prioritizing - ok - it mainly means that you two aren’t that compatible - that your needs don’t necessarily align with his needs.

but take this opportunity to have the possibility of finding someone MORE compatible in your future.

Thanks for this note, S2B. I think you’ve summed everything up perfectly, in a very simple way.  I have learned some tough lessons the hard way. We aren’t compatible if he’s not prioritizing me, plain and simple. I’ve been struggling all weekend about what I’m going to say when I break up with him. But I’ve thankfully come to the realization that I can keep things really simple. I’ve already begged, pleaded and come up with a million different ways for him to see things my way. There’s no other way to spell it out to him. I’ve been foolish enough to think  that if I could just word things differently and come at him from a different angle, then he’d understand. This is so dumb. I don’t need to rehash anything. I’m exhausted and just want this to be over as quickly as possible. 

[basil67]

@Be Okay I'm so glad to hear you've decided to move on

Re the timing, you don't have to tell him straight away.  I mean, you could simply hold off from informing him until he decides to contact you again.  

Keep your breakup wording simple.  Something like "It's taken me far too long, but I've realised that you're never going to be the kind of man who would meet my needs" should do it.  He might just say thanks and goodbye.  But if he pleads confusion, inform him "The fact that you don't know what I'm talking about sums up exactly why I'm ending this"

Also, do not drive to see him unless you've got valuables at his place.  A phone call will more than suffice

 

Edited Sunday at 05:10 AM by basil67

[Acacia98]

On 1/9/2025 at 11:51 PM, Be Okay said:

I know that in heart, I should move on and find someone more compatible. But there's no guarantees, especially at my age, that I'd meet someone to settle down with. My heart is breaking because no matter what I do, I'm going to go through heart break. I really love this man and I know he loves me a lot, but I'm just feeling really down about the whole situation. 

The irony here is that you believe this despite the evidence to the contrary: Despite whatever breakups he may have himself initiated over the course of his adult life, he was able to meet you and have a loving relationship with you in his 60s. If it is still possible for a human being to meet someone and love them in their 60s, why would you, in your 40s, believe that time had run out for you?

[Acacia98]

On 1/10/2025 at 4:40 AM, Be Okay said:

You are correct, I should’ve asked for help when I needed it. I’m an independent woman and don’t like relying on others. I’m working on this. My condo is very small, we’re both tall and my bed is a queen size. It’s kind of a nightmare for either of us to get sleep when he’s here. It definitely wouldn’t have worked with my broken ribs in the same bed. I’ve forgiven him, but it still kinda hurts to think about. I would’ve moved mountains to help him if the roles were reversed (would’ve bought a blow up mattress if I had to in order to stay with him, made him meals to re-heat, brought him anything he needed). I certainly wouldn’t have waited for him to ask for all of these things. It’s all in the past and I don’t bring it up anymore. 

You shouldn't have had to ask for help. Come on. Do you actually believe that a man who loved you would need to be begged for help in such a situation?

IMO, how somebody treats you when you're sick, injured, or in pain is the ultimate relationship test. If he/she doesn't react with concern and empathy and do what they reasonably can to make things easier/better for you, then you have enough information to end the relationship.

This particular incident is not really in the past though you've tried to keep it there. It's not in the past because it has confirmed to you that which you have long been reluctant to admit--that you do not feel loved, not really, not in the way that matters to you deep down inside.

And frankly speaking, I have my doubts as to whether he really loves you. You know why? Because you have talked to him about your concerns, and he has promised to do better, and he somehow manages not to do better, and when you finally have enough and break up with him, instead of allowing you to go, he reels you back in. The fact of his reeling you back in (instead of accepting that you deserve to get more than he's willing to give and he should allow you to meet someone who can make you happy) tells me he doesn't love you. 

Edited Sunday at 07:10 AM by Acacia98

[SurfCity]

2 hours ago, Be Okay said:

It honestly feels like he’s always sick. When he gets sick, it’s not the sniffles for a few days — it’s all out going to the doctor, missing work and not being able to see me for 2 weeks. No exaggeration, this type of scenario has probably happened at least 8 times in past 2 years.

It sounds like he's married or in a serious committed relationship with someone else. You could be the other woman and not even know it. You should drop this guy and never look back. 

[Foxhall]

8 hours ago, Be Okay said:

We aren’t compatible if he’s not prioritizing me, plain and simple

As regards my own relationship- this effectively was the reason for my break up after five years,

it does'nt matter what or who I was prioritising but ultimately I was not prioritising her,

I thought she would stay with me despite- we were five years together and I thought shed put up with things the way they were,

so it shocked me when she dumped me a few months ago,

Anyway its been two years- if your going to end it better do it now perhaps,

He may not be prioritising you but your still a valuable part of his life and the longer you let it linger he will become more accustomed to the relationship.

[BaileyB]

On 1/10/2025 at 11:18 AM, Be Okay said:

I'd absolutely be open to taking turns living at each other's place for a week at a time. I really doubt he'd be open to this. My condo doesn't exactly accommodate a situation like this, but if you truly love someone, maybe you still just make it work?

Not everyone can do this easily. My partner had a very difficult time staying at my house. I learned very early on that I was going to be the one going back and forth if the relationship was going to work… he would come to my house to spend the evenings during the week (and go home to sleep) but I would stay over at his house on the weekend. We lived about 10 minutes away from each other. It’s part of the reason why we moved in together - we wanted to spend more time together and we were tired of going back and forth. 

I think the fact that he has not had another relationship in which he has lived with a woman (for many years). is very telling… Things likely suit him very well as they are now. He likely enjoyed his time with you over the holidays… and he is now back in his routine. 

Edited Sunday at 02:12 PM by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I hate to say it, but at 62 years old I would think one of two things… some men of that generation will want to be with a woman because they want a partner - someone they can take care of who will take care of them in return. Others will be very set in their ways… and that sounds to me to be the case with this man. As I said above, he has given you no indication that he is displeased with the way things are set up now - he has things as he wants them now.

If he is unwell, I would give him some time… no need to rush the decision to end it, it also gives you some time to ensure that you are not making an emotional decision. But yes, I see your most recent post and if this relationship is not meeting your needs, I would end it. Your choices are to accept things as they are or end it. I would not expect a man of his age to suddenly change who he is and start driving back and forth, sleeping at your house, or even to decide that he wants to move in together when he hasn’t done that in a very, very long time. 

Edited Sunday at 02:34 PM by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

He does joy want you to visit when he's sick?

Don't beeakup over text. Go over there at some point, breakup, get your things while you're there.

I doubt ge will huff & puff. He will think it's another breakup and he'll win you back again.

You go home and block him.

[S2B]

If you don’t have anything terribly valuable at his place - just let those things go.

some things aren’t worth it. If it’s a jacket or pants you live - just buy yourself a new pair and don’t make the effort to pick up the other things at his place.

[ShyViolet]

15 hours ago, Be Okay said:

 I really want to move forward with the breakup and just kind of get it over with so I can start to move on and heal. Is it okay to still move forward with my plans, or should I wait until he’s feeling better? 

Don't feel like you can't break up with him due to his illness.  You know that this breakup is NOT just because he's sick.  So stop worrying about how it will "look".  If I were you I would consider waiting a few days till he's getting better, but I would not drag it out longer than that.  It definitely is something that you need to get over with.

[S2B]

The sheer fact that you have dated him without any solid indication of where the relationship is headed is baffling.

that alone should tell you he likes the status quo.

most people in your age range would know exactly where they stand in any relationship after 6-12 months.

if you have to wonder after that time frame - it’s better to end it and not waste your time and energy making more effort for no future.

the wondering alone is enough to end it.

he seems like a non committing type… he likes that you haven’t demanded more from him. I believe he will always be low effort in any union. Some guys are like that. Let him find a gal that expects NOTHING from him.  

[Lotsgoingon]

No, you don't delay a breakup because an evasive, distant, cold, half-communicative partner TELLS you that he has been sick. Guess what? Guys who are out of touch always come up with "reasons." I had to work late at work. There was a last minute project that my boss wanted me to finish. I haven't been feeling well. All of that is b.s.--and often a cover for being out with another person  or a cover for disinterest.

It's not your job to take care of him physically if the relationship is not real and not working for you.  You are frankly NOT in a serious, committed, highly giving relationship. You were just in denial of that truth. You are NOT in a relationship where you want to stop your day and your living to attend to someone else. 

åThere is no good time for a breakup. NEVER! Oh, we're coming up on Christmas. Oh, it's his birthday. Oh, we had a vacation planned. Doesn't matter. When you withhold that you want out of a relationship, you are thereby faking it, faking interest, faking closeness.

And with this guy. Frankly, I don't know that you need to "tell" him anything. Just don't call him. He has not earned the right to be carefully told of a breakup. That's something a person earns! 

 

[stillafool]

How did the breakup go OP?

[BreakOnThrough]

Just pull back completely, his reaction will tell you everything.  When people are in love, they are blinded to logic, most questions can be answered quite simply.

Edited Monday at 05:59 PM by BreakOnThrough

[Be Okay]

On 1/11/2025 at 11:09 PM, basil67 said:

@Be Okay I'm so glad to hear you've decided to move on

Re the timing, you don't have to tell him straight away.  I mean, you could simply hold off from informing him until he decides to contact you again.  

Keep your breakup wording simple.  Something like "It's taken me far too long, but I've realised that you're never going to be the kind of man who would meet my needs" should do it.  He might just say thanks and goodbye.  But if he pleads confusion, inform him "The fact that you don't know what I'm talking about sums up exactly why I'm ending this"

Also, do not drive to see him unless you've got valuables at his place.  A phone call will more than suffice

 

I do have a couple valuables at his place and I'm hopefully going to meet up with him this week to end things. I do plan on keeping it really simple. I don't have anything else to say to him really, other than I can't do this anymore. I don't think I have to say anything other than that...

[Be Okay]

On 1/12/2025 at 12:56 AM, Acacia98 said:

The irony here is that you believe this despite the evidence to the contrary: Despite whatever breakups he may have himself initiated over the course of his adult life, he was able to meet you and have a loving relationship with you in his 60s. If it is still possible for a human being to meet someone and love them in their 60s, why would you, in your 40s, believe that time had run out for you?

I really needed to hear this today, thank you so much for writing it. It means more than you know...

[Be Okay]

On 1/12/2025 at 1:08 AM, Acacia98 said:

You shouldn't have had to ask for help. Come on. Do you actually believe that a man who loved you would need to be begged for help in such a situation?

IMO, how somebody treats you when you're sick, injured, or in pain is the ultimate relationship test. If he/she doesn't react with concern and empathy and do what they reasonably can to make things easier/better for you, then you have enough information to end the relationship.

This particular incident is not really in the past though you've tried to keep it there. It's not in the past because it has confirmed to you that which you have long been reluctant to admit--that you do not feel loved, not really, not in the way that matters to you deep down inside.

And frankly speaking, I have my doubts as to whether he really loves you. You know why? Because you have talked to him about your concerns, and he has promised to do better, and he somehow manages not to do better, and when you finally have enough and break up with him, instead of allowing you to go, he reels you back in. The fact of his reeling you back in (instead of accepting that you deserve to get more than he's willing to give and he should allow you to meet someone who can make you happy) tells me he doesn't love you. 

You couldn't be more right with what you've outlined above. In my soul, after he made no attempt to help me during a time of need, I knew I wouldn't be able to forget it. I made up excuses for why he wasn't there. But as time has gone by, I can't forget. Maybe he really doesn't love me, just says it a lot. Actions certainly speak louder than words.