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Feeling uncomfortable when watching tv with my partner


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2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s funny how different people respond differently to a similar situation. My Dad had a stack of pornographic magazines that we discovered when I was a child - we used to secretly look at the magazines out of curiosity. My uncle also had pornography in his house… I personally would not call this “trauma.” 

I think it can be traumatic to someone with a strict puritanical upbringing, indoctrinated since early age with the idea that sex is sinful, brought up to believe that there is nothing worse than lust and interest in sexuality. When such a person discovers that their undisputed authority figures, like most humans, were actually actively curious about sexuality, they might feel as though their whole world were destroyed, and their life were a lie.

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4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I think it can be traumatic to someone with a strict puritanical upbringing, indoctrinated since early age with the idea that sex is sinful, brought up to believe that there is nothing worse than lust and interest in sexuality. When such a person discovers that their undisputed authority figures, like most humans, were actually actively curious about sexuality, they might feel as though their whole world were destroyed, and their life were a lie.

Is this relevant to the OP?   Or is she neurotic? 

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What you describe, the heart beating fast, the sweat, it sounds a lot like a phobia reaction, not so much jealousy.

I am not comparing my phobia to yours but l want to make a point. I have a phobia of all flying bugs. It comes from my childhood when my cousins filled a mason jar with big flying bugs then grabbed me and pretended they would feed them to me. At 59 yo l still have a deep fear of flying bugs and no amounts of therapy will fix that. You know what l do? I live with it. When a big flying bug gets in the house and l panic l use technics to control my panic attack. I breath deeply and l repeat to myself it's just a bug, it won't hurt me, it will not fly in my mouth, l will be fine. Does it completely work? No. But it works enough for me to not paralyze and get the vacuum out.

What l'm saying is: not every trauma can be fixed. Sometimes we have to learn to live with it and accept this is part of us. When you watch tv do not have your boyfriend go to the kitchen, he should stay with you and hold your hand, you breath deep to help the panic attack to pass because panick attacks always pass. Repeat to yourself it's just tv it has no importance to your bf. If therapy does not work then learn to tame it and life goes on with and without our traumas.

Edited by Gaeta
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  • 2 weeks later...

It's just human nature/hormones that drive us to look, admire, fantasize about, etc. Men are visual creatures, but not so much emotional...it stimulation, looking at body parts as one friend explained to me BUT in most men, how they feel about their partner is different...it's not superficial, it real, it's honest, it's love. Men are able to compartmentalize things like that. Women on the other hand, we are driven by our emotions...we are gatherers of information and analyze everything on how it makes us feel. It's how we process things. Low self esteem is more prominent in the female species for sure, and we all see how difficult it can get out of that state of mind. It does take a lot of work to change your brain after all these years of thinking one way. I think you should seek out Cognitive behavioural therapy. They will teach you coping skills to help you with those thoughts and feelings so they don't over run you. Where you are at now, that no way to live your life having anxiety at what your husband might be thinking. Anxiety like that just get in the way of enjoying what your have.

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On 1/17/2025 at 11:33 AM, BaileyB said:

My Dad had a stack of pornographic magazines that we discovered when I was a child - we used to secretly look at the magazines out of curiosity. My uncle also had pornography in his house… I personally would not call this “trauma.” 

Did you actually see your dad watching the magazines? Or did you just find the magazines and looked at them? 

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On 1/17/2025 at 11:29 PM, Gaeta said:

What you describe, the heart beating fast, the sweat, it sounds a lot like a phobia reaction, not so much jealousy.

I am not comparing my phobia to yours but l want to make a point. I have a phobia of all flying bugs. It comes from my childhood when my cousins filled a mason jar with big flying bugs then grabbed me and pretended they would feed them to me. At 59 yo l still have a deep fear of flying bugs and no amounts of therapy will fix that. You know what l do? I live with it. When a big flying bug gets in the house and l panic l use technics to control my panic attack. I breath deeply and l repeat to myself it's just a bug, it won't hurt me, it will not fly in my mouth, l will be fine. Does it completely work? No. But it works enough for me to not paralyze and get the vacuum out.

What l'm saying is: not every trauma can be fixed. Sometimes we have to learn to live with it and accept this is part of us. When you watch tv do not have your boyfriend go to the kitchen, he should stay with you and hold your hand, you breath deep to help the panic attack to pass because panick attacks always pass. Repeat to yourself it's just tv it has no importance to your bf. If therapy does not work then learn to tame it and life goes on with and without our traumas.

Thank you so much Gaeta, thank you for sharing your personal experience, that’s beautiful. I think you understand what I feel. When everybody thinks what you’re feeling is stupid but you just can’t help it. Nobody understands that even if I try so hard I feel so uncomfortable. But as you said maybe I don’t have to find the way to make it disappear, I just have to accept it, breathe and let the annoying feeling come but let it go as well and as soon as I can. I’ve been trying to stop completely this feeling for so long but I have never accept it, I’m that way, I’m different and I have to learn to live with it.

Edited by Achelois
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On 1/18/2025 at 4:52 AM, NuevoYorko said:

How?  

I’m trying to watch more tv. When there are attractive women on tv I touch my face,  I get so hot and I feel my heart beating faster but I don’t say anything ,I just breathe and try to ignore that feeling. 

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NuevoYorko
33 minutes ago, Achelois said:

I’m trying to watch more tv. When there are attractive women on tv I touch my face,  I get so hot and I feel my heart beating faster but I don’t say anything ,I just breathe and try to ignore that feeling. 

I appreciate that you're trying to watch TV with him, and you're on the right track with letting the bad feeling come and go.  But when you say you're "working hard to get better" that would require much more than this.  You really do need to address this with a professional and don't quit when you are getting uncomfortable with the therapy.

Your situation is much different than the poster above, because her issue is just between her and the flying bugs.  Yours is very interwoven with a desire to control what your boyfriend looks at.  Your behavior of panic and distress (not saying you're doing it on purpose) is definitely affecting your boyfriend in a big way and your fears should NOT be influencing his life like this. So you really do need to deal with them or else stop the relationship.  He shouldn't be concerned about your meltdowns because he's trying to watch a show.

 

Edited by NuevoYorko
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44 minutes ago, Achelois said:

I’m trying to watch more tv. When there are attractive women on tv I touch my face,  I get so hot and I feel my heart beating faster but I don’t say anything ,I just breathe and try to ignore that feeling. 

Sounds like you're doing DIY exposure therapy.  Obviously it would be best done with a therapist who uses this technique, but in the meantime, have you researched best practice?  You want to be careful that you don't push yourself too hard and too fast 

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It is hard to find a good psychologist, we all work for money I know but it can’t be the only thing they care. I’ve had experiences when they just looked at the clock and asked the same questions again and again. Every therapy is expensive and I make an effort to pay them and make the time to go, so I’d appreciate if they’d make me feel like they care a little more. i’m exhausted to tell them the same story. I’d love to find somebody who can guide me and teach me all the tools to fix my problem :(

Edited by Achelois
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NuevoYorko

You seem to expect the therapist to "fix" you.  I expect that you are more interested, at this point in your life, in clinging on to this problem that you have than working through and past it.   It's serving you some way.

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ExpatInItaly

I'm sure I mentioned it a couple pages back, but OP, have you considered a referral to a psychiatrist? 

Not a psychologist, but someone who can perform a proper medical assessment of your mental health. Psychologists can be great and they have their place but I think your issues likely run a lot deeper than what they can address. If nothing has helped so far, I would venture that you're not asking the right sources for help. 

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3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sure I mentioned it a couple pages back, but OP, have you considered a referral to a psychiatrist? 

Not a psychologist, but someone who can perform a proper medical assessment of your mental health. Psychologists can be great and they have their place but I think your issues likely run a lot deeper than what they can address. If nothing has helped so far, I would venture that you're not asking the right sources for help. 

 I was trying to avoid psychiatrists because I don’t want any medication, but you are right. It makes sense. Thank you so much. I’ll stop looking for psychologist and I’ll start looking for psychiatrist. 

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ExpatInItaly
22 minutes ago, Achelois said:

 I was trying to avoid psychiatrists because I don’t want any medication,

It's not a given that one would put you on medication. They might, or they might recommend other courses of treatment if needed. 

It's simply a way to get a better look at your mental health from a doctor specialized in that area. They might well notice something that others haven't. Point being that working with psychologists hasn't helped up until now, it seems. I would level up the care you seek. 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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And even if they do use medication as part of the treatment....think of it this way:

Option one:  Be a medicated, solid partner

Option two: Unmedicated and continuing as you are, causing yourself distress and having your partner tippy toe around you

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OP said it's a problem 'only' when watching tv. I personally would get rid of the tv for a while, let's say 6+ months, before l looked into medicating myself.

Not watching tv can only enhance someone's life and self esteem. We do not need tv and l would not medicate myself to feel numb when l watch tv. The tv would go! 

 

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NuevoYorko
On 1/28/2025 at 9:26 AM, Gaeta said:

OP said it's a problem 'only' when watching tv. I personally would get rid of the tv for a while, let's say 6+ months, before l looked into medicating myself.

She also hates to see magazines or any advertising with models ... and she gets freaked out wondering if he's ever been to a strip club.  I would venture to guess that she hates to see hot girls out and about also, is that true @Achelois?

Also, is the boyfriend supposed to give up TV because of her fears?  I mean, that would be super nice and supportive of him and it would not be "wrong" for him to do it, but as things are, he is dealing with her extreme panic attacks whenever they are watching TV together.  If he likes watching TV I don't think that her very specific fears should dictate whether he can watch shows or not.  He's already walking on eggshells.  

OP would you be comfortable and happy if he never watched TV or movies with you, but instead only did that on his own or with friends?  Or would that bother you as well; knowing that he was encountering images of attractive women without you being there?

 

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1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

 If he likes watching TV I don't think that her very specific fears should dictate whether he can watch shows or not.  He's already walking on eggshells.  

I agree. Having someone stop watching porn is understandable, but stopping TV is a step too far.   I wouldn't go without my non offensive series/movies because a partner can't deal with it.   I would however fully support medication and psychiatry/psychology if required

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ExpatInItaly
12 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree. Having someone stop watching porn is understandable, but stopping TV is a step too far. 

I don't think it would effectively get to the root of what's going on with OP, either. 

That's like taking booze out of the house to help an alcoholic without trying to sort out what is driving the addiction to begin with. It might treat the symptom, so to speak, but it won't address underlying problems. 

And not fair to boyfriend if enjoys TV, for sure. 

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14 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

She also hates to see magazines or any advertising with models ... and she gets freaked out wondering if he's ever been to a strip club.  I would venture to guess that she hates to see hot girls out and about also, is that true @Achelois?

 Yes, that’s true and I’m not proud of it. It’s been ruining my life since I was a teenager. I’m uncomfortable with any attractive woman, specifically the ones on tv, but girls jogging on the street wearing gym clothes, a beautiful waitress, women wearing tight dresses, short skirts and plunging necklines (only if I’m with my partner). It’s awful and I don’t want any Psycholosgist to do a miracle, I do everything I can and I just can’t help it. My best friend had depression and I used to tell him how good his life was, how lucky he was and a list of reasons to be happy. He decided to finished with his life and I realised how easy was for me to tell him to be happy when I wasn’t feeling what he was feeling inside. I was hoping to find someone with the same problem with a successful story. I just feel so bad for my partner. I’m breathing and telling myself “stinky thinking”, but the symptoms are physical and there are times that I feel I'm going to explode if I hold back any longer. 

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14 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

would you be comfortable and happy if he never watched TV or movies with you, but instead only did that on his own or with friends?  Or would that bother you as well; knowing that he was encountering images of attractive women without you being there?

That bother me as well, but I don’t get the physical symptoms because I’m not there and I just forget about it next day. I don’t suffer as much that way, but I’d like to be able to watch tv together like a normal couple, to go to the cinema and to the beach. 

Edited by Achelois
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NuevoYorko

I am sorry that you suffer so much from this condition but I still feel like it's irresponsible for you to choose to be in a relationship when you are unable to function in a healthy way in one.

It's really no different from a person who is consumed with jealousy or who is so insecure that they can't let their partner go out the door with any part of their body showing.

It's nothing to subject another person to and it is also probably the most defining part of your relationship.  

If you were not in this relationship, and were working through the whole thing with professionals (which might include medication) you would be getting better AND free from the misery yourself - since it's only in relationship to what your boyfriend sees.  

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stillafool
On 1/30/2025 at 8:36 AM, Achelois said:

I just feel so bad for my partner. I’m breathing and telling myself “stinky thinking”, but the symptoms are physical and there are times that I feel I'm going to explode if I hold back any longer. 

I feel bad for him too.  I don't see you guys making it long term because your jealousy will drive him away sooner or later.  Nor do I see you making it with anyone else unless you get professional help for your jealousy.  A professional can help you with that. What other choice do you have at this point but to see one.

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