Miss Chrysalis Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 1 hour ago, KentuckyEsq said: I guess what hurts more than anything is that none of what she said was apparently true and, I being a trusting person or blinded by the idea of bliss, fell for it. My dumb ass thought she was everything I ever wanted and the first person I truly connected with mind, body and soul. I think her feelings for you are probably true, but the fantasy of you being her "future husband" was not. She got caught up in the dopamine high of being desired by someone new and exciting and believed the "lies" her mind/the Universe/the devil (whatever you believe) was telling her about this whole situation. In a way, she was deceived (not by you) as much as you were. To quote The Indigo Girls, it's all such a treacherous game. So, while her feelings may have been/may be true, she probably knew deep down she could never act on them. Generally speaking, just because want something doesn't mean we're entitled to have it, and breaking marriage vows falls squarely within those parameters. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 (edited) 24 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said: Of course, the logical side of me knows this. Who wouldn't? The emotional side of me won out...per usual. And I quickly caught feelings and fell hard. Those who think with their heart and not their head tend to end up brokenhearted… One needs to use both their heart and their head when making relationship and life decisions. To simply say, “I quickly caught feelings and fell hard” understates your ability to make decisions that direct your own life and your responsibility to do so wisely… Edited January 7 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 7 Author Share Posted January 7 8 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said: I think her feelings for you are probably true, but the fantasy of you being her "future husband" was not. She got caught up in the dopamine high of being desired by someone new and exciting and believed the "lies" her mind/the Universe/the devil (whatever you believe) was telling her about this whole situation. In a way, she was deceived (not by you) as much as you were. To quote The Indigo Girls, it's all such a treacherous game. So, while her feelings may have been/may be true, she probably knew deep down she could never act on them. Generally speaking, just because want something doesn't mean we're entitled to have it, and breaking marriage vows falls squarely within those parameters. Thanks for those words. I want to hate her and believe it was all done to manipulate but I see what you're saying. I loved her (or the idea of her/us) so much. The "future husband" talk of "lifing" together was so intoxicating. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 (edited) 12 minutes ago, KentuckyEsq said: I loved her (or the idea of her/us) so much. The "future husband" talk of "lifing" together was so intoxicating. There is a reason why these boards are filled with people who have got caught up in the fantasy… it’s really easy to do. It also takes a while for the heart to catch up to the head but that doesn’t change the reality of the situation… Edited January 7 by BaileyB 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 3 hours ago, stillafool said: Why does no one ever tell women who come here who are in affairs that this can happen to them? Married women can get just as violent as men when another woman is having sex with their husbands. The vast majority of murders that happen are men doing it to other men and/or women. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 26 minutes ago, Sony12 said: The vast majority of murders that happen are men doing it to other men and/or women. True, but there are cases of wives beating up OW, going to their jobs to get them fired, flattening their tires, ruining their reputations and murder. They too deserve to be warned. People are crazy these days and that includes women. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 4 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: No contact since then but I'd love to know what happened between them next. You will likely never know, and it's also none of your business. That's all between them. And if she ever says anything more about it, remember that she's a serious liar and it probably wouldn't be the whole truth. 4 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: Also, f*** her H too as he wanted to lecture me for not reaching out to him Your anger at him is completely misdirected. He's got every right to be mad at you. He's not wrong to be angry at you for not stopping it. He's not wrong for wishing you had clued him in. Whether or not he is also mad at her is another story, and really not your problem. So what it he wants to believe whatever she is selling him? You've been doing that since this affair started, too. Cut the husband some slack. He's the only real victim here among you three. I know you are hurt. But now is the time to reflect on your own behaviour, and what got you so wrapped up in a fantasy to begin with. Some of this stuff reads like teenagers deep in puppy-love. It wasn't a mature connection. So, what do you think you're going to work on (for yourself) so you don't participate in games of love make-believe again? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 Yes OP you need to start taking accountability for what you did. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 5 hours ago, stillafool said: Why does no one ever tell women who come here who are in affairs that this can happen to them? Married women can get just as violent as men when another woman is having sex with their husbands. I certainly warn all the OW who decide to tell the wife after the fact. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Chrysalis Posted January 7 Share Posted January 7 41 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I know you are hurt. But now is the time to reflect on your own behaviour, and what got you so wrapped up in a fantasy to begin with. Some of this stuff reads like teenagers deep in puppy-love. It wasn't a mature connection. So, what do you think you're going to work on (for yourself) so you don't participate in games of love make-believe again? Most people in affairs truly do think their love/connection is something for the history books. It's not until much time has passed and they can look back on what it really was and realize their affair was just like all the rest in the Affair Manual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 10 Author Share Posted January 10 It gets a bit weirder. She has not contacted me but on Wed. I returned to my office from out of office appts. and there were two messages on voicemail from her mother (I met her mother in passing a couple of times). She loves dogs as do I. So she left 2 messages asking me to call her under the guise of asking a question about a particular brand of dog food. The oddest thing ever. I did not call her back obviously. But I am still trying to figure out the motive behind this. Part of me wants to believe that H has MW on lockdown (e.g. she was required to block me and delete my number/email etc.) so much that MW may have been trying to get through to me through her. OTOH, part of me believes she may have been trying to provoke me into something. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Chrysalis Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 1 hour ago, KentuckyEsq said: It gets a bit weirder. She has not contacted me but on Wed. I returned to my office from out of office appts. and there were two messages on voicemail from her mother (I met her mother in passing a couple of times). She loves dogs as do I. So she left 2 messages asking me to call her under the guise of asking a question about a particular brand of dog food. The oddest thing ever. I did not call her back obviously. But I am still trying to figure out the motive behind this. Part of me wants to believe that H has MW on lockdown (e.g. she was required to block me and delete my number/email etc.) so much that MW may have been trying to get through to me through her. OTOH, part of me believes she may have been trying to provoke me into something. Odd indeed. I wonder what she wants. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 My guess is that Mom is contacting you to ask you to play along with minimising the affair if the husband contacts you again. Mom doesn't want her grandchildren to suffer (via divorce) for her daughter's "mistake." 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 4 hours ago, introverted1 said: My guess is that Mom is contacting you to ask you to play along with minimising the affair if the husband contacts you again. Mom doesn't want her grandchildren to suffer (via divorce) for her daughter's "mistake." Nor does she want her sorry ass daughter to be put out and lose her lifestyle. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 13 hours ago, stillafool said: Nor does she want her sorry ass daughter to be put out and lose her lifestyle. Or need to come live with mom! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 11 Author Share Posted January 11 5 minutes ago, Miss Chrysalis said: Totally disagree based on what I've seen and experienced in my own life. OP, I wonder if the mom was calling to ask you to not discuss the affair in the community so that her daughter can keep her reputation. Maybe even a bribe! That's what I think. It's a very small town and daughter (and H) are well known Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 6 hours ago, Miss Chrysalis said: wonder if the mom was calling to ask you to not discuss the affair in the community so that her daughter can keep her reputation. Maybe even a bribe! I can totally see a mother doing this for her daughter. She doesn't want her daughter to lose everything she has, the community to know she's an adulteress and then have to move back home. Saving her daughters face is also saving hers. Her mother may not even tell the father what his daughter has been up to. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 13 Author Share Posted January 13 My A story is set out in another topic, but in my efforts to make sense of things I have read/watched videos dealing with the above. As hard as it has all been (and still is), I have gained a little clarity (hurtful clarity, but clarity nonetheless), in that I think I was dealing with a covert narcissists with an almost pathological need for admiration/validation and who has/had no qualms about completely blaming me as the cause of the affair to her BH. I had never heard the term of "future faking" (or "love bombing" for that matter). I mentioned in the other topic how I was daily referred to as her "future husband," "fiance," "one and only," "soulmate," "love of my life," etc. I suppose this was classic "future faking" that I was too dumb to see or being blinded by "love" just didn't want to see. As to the "love bombing," I looked back at a card I received from her a mere 2 weeks after our first physical meeting (no sex, just kissing) and she said "I love you." I completely let me guard down for her and (stupidly I know) was all in. I'd be interested to hear some of your stories about covert narcissism/love bombing/future faking. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 13 Share Posted January 13 (edited) I don’t think she was “covert” as much as you missed all the red flags and just really wanted to believe… I mean, a married woman in an affair with another man who she calls her “future husband” is about as entitled, self-serving, and narcissistic as they come… Edited January 13 by BaileyB 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted January 14 Share Posted January 14 The future faking isn’t necessarily premeditated. It often comes about as people speak fantasies aloud. Deep down they know it isn’t real, but you didn’t get the memo. I don’t see her love bombing you either. Love bombing is pretty intense and continuous. Honestly you sound a little naive and inexperienced. It’s quite possible she’s a narcissist and took advantage of your naïveté, but it may have been less planned out than you think. At this moment she’s behaving atrociously towards you. Sorry you are going through this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 14 Share Posted January 14 I think there are some people that can get caught up in the moment and it seems like 99% of the time it's actually genuine. Sometimes you DO just meet the right person and things fall into place seemingly effortlessly. Its when the small flash in the pan evolves into a larger event or relationship. That's where the devil resides. I think everyone does it to some extent in the beginning of a relationship but when one side ups the ante exponentially because they are actively hiding something (whether it be just unhappiness in daily life and finding someone to "escape" or the thrill of an affair) and the person is essentially manipulating/decieving the other so that they don't lose what has been built so far. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 14 Author Share Posted January 14 "Dumped" OW/OM, did any of you in the days/weeks following the end spend a lot of time idealizing the MM/MW and the relationship itself? I can't stop doing this even though the rational me knows that it was hell at times waiting on breadcrumbs or a few stolen hours. I also again irrationally feel like I lost out to the BH. This can't be normal as the playing field was not leveled and he's her 20 yr spouse for heavens sake. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 10 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: "Dumped" OW/OM, did any of you in the days/weeks following the end spend a lot of time idealizing the MM/MW and the relationship itself? I am not and have never been an OW, but based on what I read in these threads, what you are feeling is quite common for those in your shoes. When you focus on her, try to keep in mind that she would likely be a horrible partner to you (in the context of a real relationship, I mean) She showed you how deceptive and self-serving she is. That is almost surely not isolated to her behaviour during the affair. She is someone who opts to play make-believe rather than deal with life head-on (and with all due respect, you've been doing this with with her too) Neither you nor her husband "lost out", in that sense. You would both be stuck with a morally-bankrupt, selfish, and highly immature woman. You didn't want to see that side of her until she ended this, but it's been there all along. You're mourning the fantasy rather than the reality of who she is. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author KentuckyEsq Posted January 15 Author Share Posted January 15 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I am not and have never been an OW, but based on what I read in these threads, what you are feeling is quite common for those in your shoes. When you focus on her, try to keep in mind that she would likely be a horrible partner to you (in the context of a real relationship, I mean) She showed you how deceptive and self-serving she is. That is almost surely not isolated to her behaviour during the affair. She is someone who opts to play make-believe rather than deal with life head-on (and with all due respect, you've been doing this with with her too) Neither you nor her husband "lost out", in that sense. You would both be stuck with a morally-bankrupt, selfish, and highly immature woman. You didn't want to see that side of her until she ended this, but it's been there all along. You're mourning the fantasy rather than the reality of who she is. Thank you for those words. Therein lies the battle within my brain. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 15 Share Posted January 15 4 hours ago, KentuckyEsq said: Thank you for those words. Therein lies the battle within my brain. Give yourself time. The end of this is all still fresh and you're reeling. Be patient with the process of healing and coming to terms with who this woman really is. 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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