Using a friend as a therapist

[samantha888]

Hi,

I am going through difficult time in my family having estranged from my parents recently and its been a sensitive issue but because therapy is soo expensive i have been trying to handle my emotions on my own, I read tons of books on self-help and all... and i follow facebook groups but thats all. However, the last few months my best friend has become my venting person for my personal problems and i feel bad because she must be getting fed up of me talking about it. 

Should i ask her if its too much? Or should i stop sharing as it may change our friendship dynamic to a depressing one... btw she is a nurse so i feel she can take it but i also dont want to strain our friendship with my emotional issues...

any advice?

[basil67]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling.  

No, don't ask her if it's too much because she will probably say that it's fine because of good manners.   And being a nurse doesn't make someone more inclined to listen to problems.

Anyway, it's good you're aware that too much venting to a friend can become overwhelming for them.   You don't say what you're venting about, but I'd suggest limiting discussion to new issues with your family, and not raising things you've spoken about before.   And make sure you spend a good amount of time asking about your friend and their life too.

[ShyViolet]

You won't be able to use your friend as a therapist for very long before that friend starts to feel exhausted and resentful of the way you are "using" them.  And "using" is a very fitting word.  The fact is, your friend is not your therapist.  Using them as a therapist changes the dynamic of the friendship and makes it very unhealthy and one-sided.  You are so absorbed in your own problems that you probably don't even spend much time showing an interest in your friend's life and asking them how their day was.  You just want to constantly talk about yourself.  That is not how a friendship is supposed to be.  Using a friend as a therapist is quite disrespectful, honestly.

And if you were to ask your friend if she minds, she might say "Oh it's ok" just because a lot of people are too nice and don't know how to put up boundaries.  But even if she says it's ok, that doesn't mean that it is.

Look into other ways to deal with your problems.  Maybe there is low-cost therapy/counseling in your area.

Edited November 29 by ShyViolet

[MsJayne]

I'm glad you have an understanding friend for some support as disconnecting from family is a very hard thing to do, (I speak from personal experience), and can leave you feeling extremely isolated. That being said, you're right that listening to a friend venting can become exhausting. We have a system, (Australia), where you can get a referral and care plan for specialist services like psychology/counselling from a GP and then receive an 80%, (I think), rebate from Medicare, which makes those services affordable, but I don't know how these things work elsewhere. I highly recommend seeing a counsellor for something as serious as loss of family connections because the impact of it doesn't go away and in fact can get worse as time passes if you don't learn healthy ways of coping. Another method of unpacking the grief and anger associated with this particular type of loss it is to write it all down as a way of clearing your mind, but if there's a history of toxic interaction and abuse then therapy is the way to go.