Religious upbringing issues

[Someguy1234]

Hey everyone,

Growing up in a super religious family meant that dating was basically off-limits until marriage. No talking to girls unless necessary, no shaking hands... you get the idea.
Some background info: I've been questioning religion over the years, but the guilt-tripping and taboos are still stuck in me (not something I'm proud of).

Plus, I might be autistic (undiagnosed), which makes social interactions even more challenging for me. I sometimes understand things literally (not often I think?), and I struggle with eye contact (always).

To make matters worse, COVID came along and messed with my nervous system... made me basically asexual, having no pleasure from anything, and feel like I've lost touch with the world around me. It's been about ~4 years since it all started, but thankfully things are slowly improving.

Even when I meet a girl I am interested it, I chickened out because of all these internalized fears about dating, sex, consent, babies, and more. The what-ifs were too overwhelming: What if she doesn't feel the same way, what if she does? What if we have sex and there's a risk of STDs? What if... you get it.

I've tried dating apps (free, no paid subscriptions), but they didn't work out for me (only got few matches, and they were scammers or ones who ghosted me). I think i am ok looking, but my hobbies seem to not be very popular in the EU. (Anime, Games, etc.), rarely find someone who is a fan. I should also mention my colleagues aren't an option since we're in a professional setting, and everyone is already in a relationship afaik anyway.

I'm 3x now, and all my friends are married with kids... it's like I'm stuck in limbo and just now finding out. And everyone I know is religious and can't discuss something like this with them.
So, what can/should I do? How do you navigate the world when your upbringing has left you feeling lost and uncertain?

TL;DR: religious upbringing + possible neurodivergent = struggling to date and form meaningful connections. Help!

Edited November 26 by Someguy1234
update

[Someguy1234]

I need to also add that I moved to a European country a few years ago from a Muslim country. I am still learning the language, and this also adds to the issues.

Edited November 26 by Someguy1234

[Gaeta]

May we know how old you are?

I'm in Canada. My boyfriend is Muslim. It's a very large and close knitted community. Did you joined a Mosque when you moved to Europe? If yes just spread the word you are single and looking.

[Someguy1234]

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

May we know how old you are?

I'm in Canada. My boyfriend is Muslim. It's a very large and close knitted community. Did you joined a Mosque when you moved to Europe? If yes just spread the word you are single and looking.

Thanks for the reply. early 3x. I am questioning religion in general, so I didn't join a Mosque or anything like that, as I think I am probably no longer religious (Though I still do practice some parts which are good regardless, like donating to poor, and few others.) and I don't want a religious gf/wife (if she is anything like my family, it will make life quite awful), which I don't think is someone I would find from a mosque.

 

Edited November 27 by Someguy1234

[Gebidozo]

As long as you continue to have fear of sex, fear of rejection, fear of women in general, things won’t get better.

Start meeting modern, independent women. Learn more about them. Discuss these issues openly with them. Go on dates. Keep trying without fear. Acquire some sexual experience. You’re still very young and this is just the beginning. 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Someguy1234 said:

Even when I meet a girl I am interested it, I chickened out because of all these internalized fears about dating, sex, consent, babies, and more. The what-ifs were too overwhelming: What if she doesn't feel the same way, what if she does? What if we have sex and there's a risk of STDs? What if... you get it.

You are 20 steps ahead. Someone told me once a big problem is just a collection of small problems. You tackle one at a time.

The first thing you need to work on is to go out there and make friends. Join activity groups, get involved in charity work, book club, art class, anything you'd like. Work on having conversations, relating to people, getting comfortable, etc. These skills are the same skills you will use in dating.

We don't put kids on a sky slop before they start walking. It's one thing at a time and done in order.

No point of worrying about sex when you're 1-2 years away from having intimicy. Once you're there you cross that bridge.......then.

Edited November 27 by Gaeta

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Someguy1234 said:

I think i am ok looking, but my hobbies seem to not be very popular in the EU. (Anime, Games, etc.),

Can I ask how old you are?

I live in the EU as well (Italy, obviously), and anime and gaming are hugely popular here with young people. I am a teacher and often work with younger folks who can't get enough of gaming and anime of all types - but I am speaking about teenagers. I do also know local adults who are into these things too, but perhaps not as much as the younger crowd. Maybe you're simply older than most super-fans, which is not a bad thing. I am just curious. 

9 hours ago, Someguy1234 said:

I need to also add that I moved to a European country a few years ago from a Muslim country. I am still learning the language

I relate to this, too. I am Canadian, and when I moved to Italy, I spoke essentially zero Italian. Today (many years later), I am quite fluent and can get by in most situations. But it does take time and dedicated effort. One thing that helped me when I first moved was joining local expat groups. Are there such things where you are? Connecting with others who relate to you that way can be a nice beginning to friendships, and also a good source of information and support in your new surroundings. 

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, Someguy1234 said:

How do you navigate the world when your upbringing has left you feeling lost and uncertain?

Counselling. Seriously. 

A lot of people who are trying to disassociate from religious upbringings need counselling to help them find a new and different path. I would suggest that you seek a counsellor if that’s a possibility. 

[Els]

20 hours ago, Someguy1234 said:

I need to also add that I moved to a European country a few years ago from a Muslim country. I am still learning the language, and this also adds to the issues.

That can definitely be rough... IMO social and relationship issues are some of the toughest barriers for immigrants. Mannerisms, social behavior, cultural norms - these are things that most people develop over decades growing up. It's going to be hard to adjust to a totally new set of rules in adulthood.

For this reason, many immigrants, even those who are generally well-integrated in the community that they migrated to, tend to prefer to date people from their old culture. I'm saying this as an immigrant myself, with many friends who are also immigrants.

Do you know anyone from your birth culture whom you could talk to about this?

[ShyViolet]

20 hours ago, Someguy1234 said:

And everyone I know is religious and can't discuss something like this with them.

Well this is one of your problems.  Why is everyone you know religious, when you are wanting to move away from the religion and live a more secular life?  You need to get out of this sheltered religious world that you've been stuck in and start experiencing life outside of that.  And the first step is to put yourself out there, start meeting different people and just practice socializing in general.  Get involved in some new social activities, look up events or meetups, and make some new friends.  Dating will naturally be easier once you make some new friends and get into better social circles.

[Someguy1234]

20 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

As long as you continue to have fear of sex, fear of rejection, fear of women in general, things won’t get better.

Start meeting modern, independent women. Learn more about them. Discuss these issues openly with them. Go on dates. Keep trying without fear. Acquire some sexual experience. You’re still very young and this is just the beginning. 

thanks. I think this is a good idea. i am guessing how to start that is by going random meetups. usually they are mostly men though and specific activity focused though. and idk, but is this something that i can talk to someone i just got to know about? is that normal?

19 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You are 20 steps ahead. Someone told me once a big problem is just a collection of small problems. You tackle one at a time.

The first thing you need to work on is to go out there and make friends. Join activity groups, get involved in charity work, book club, art class, anything you'd like. Work on having conversations, relating to people, getting comfortable, etc. These skills are the same skills you will use in dating.

We don't put kids on a sky slop before they start walking. It's one thing at a time and done in order.

No point of worrying about sex when you're 1-2 years away from having intimicy. Once you're there you cross that bridge.......then.

those skills i do need to improve for sure as i am by default alone if left alone/not good with social life whether in my country or here. thanks

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Can I ask how old you are?

I live in the EU as well (Italy, obviously), and anime and gaming are hugely popular here with young people. I am a teacher and often work with younger folks who can't get enough of gaming and anime of all types - but I am speaking about teenagers. I do also know local adults who are into these things too, but perhaps not as much as the younger crowd. Maybe you're simply older than most super-fans, which is not a bad thing. I am just curious. 

I relate to this, too. I am Canadian, and when I moved to Italy, I spoke essentially zero Italian. Today (many years later), I am quite fluent and can get by in most situations. But it does take time and dedicated effort. One thing that helped me when I first moved was joining local expat groups. Are there such things where you are? Connecting with others who relate to you that way can be a nice beginning to friendships, and also a good source of information and support in your new surroundings. 

early 3x. anime fans aren't alot here sadly and generally they are a bit younger i think ya. and gaming is a bit more i think but a lot is somehow retro games, but most people either don't game or play board games, or racing games. this is based on colleagues/groups i see and events in the city (for gaming they are exclusively retro or fighting and for anime there is basically a music place that does anime music and some games but it's a small event and it's a few times a year and keeps getting more expensive). 

I did find some groups a year ago or so, but most activites don't interest me. an idea i was thinking is that i could try making a group for anime/gaming fans but idk how organize something like that specially without the language, arranging a place, many people say they ll come and often don't come etc.. but maybe i ll think about it again

Idk tbh regarding where to find people i could relate to.

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Counselling. Seriously. 

A lot of people who are trying to disassociate from religious upbringings need counselling to help them find a new and different path. I would suggest that you seek a counsellor if that’s a possibility. 

i think this is a good idea. i have looked into it a few times over the past couple of years but all in the city didn't accept new patients and the only ones that did were extensive. can should check one more time. thanks for the suggestion.

2 hours ago, Els said:

That can definitely be rough... IMO social and relationship issues are some of the toughest barriers for immigrants. Mannerisms, social behavior, cultural norms - these are things that most people develop over decades growing up. It's going to be hard to adjust to a totally new set of rules in adulthood.

For this reason, many immigrants, even those who are generally well-integrated in the community that they migrated to, tend to prefer to date people from their old culture. I'm saying this as an immigrant myself, with many friends who are also immigrants.

Do you know anyone from your birth culture whom you could talk to about this?

a colleague maybe but i am not sure, i am not very close with him though. would be a bit afraid to ask and end up making him have a negative view on me. (if i bring up non reglion thing up to a Muslim that's like an instant black list i feel) but i think this colleague is pretty liberal, he is younger but lived a lot longer in the country so maybe i can try asking. i don't seem him alot at the office but i can keep it in mind next time i see him. thanks

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Well this is one of your problems.  Why is everyone you know religious, when you are wanting to move away from the religion and live a more secular life?  You need to get out of this sheltered religious world that you've been stuck in and start experiencing life outside of that.  And the first step is to put yourself out there, start meeting different people and just practice socializing in general.  Get involved in some new social activities, look up events or meetups, and make some new friends.  Dating will naturally be easier once you make some new friends and get into better social circles.

that make sense. thanks.

I think the most common point everyone is saying is to socialize more.

Edited November 27 by Someguy1234