22 F with 22 M Struggling with love and life stress in Boston how do I navigate this?

[play444kay]

I'm 22 my partner is 22, and we've been together for almost 2.5 years. We moved to Boston hoping for better opportunities and stability, but things haven't turned out that way. Neither of us has had a stable home in years. (& we actually connected initially over that & being forced to be independent for so long) We've been staying with his dad rent-free, (& saving all we can but don't really have enough to move into a place on our own) but the house isn't actually his dad's, and this is the second or third time we're scrambling to figure out where to go because of it.

We both work hard, make above minimum wage, and have decent jobs, but Boston's cost of living is so high it feels like we're just scraping by. I'm scared and exhausted, stuck in survival mode, (like I have been when I first went homeless at 15 so this masculine feeling of survival mode is deeply Ingram in me) and starting to resent him-even though this isn't his fault. He convinced me to move here, promising stability, but that hasn't been the case.

Emotionally, he's amazing, and he works hard, he is the first man I met that makes me feel somewhat okay with the idea of having children just because he's so amazing l never would've thought I would want to change my mind about that considering what l've went through in my childhood, but he can't provide the financial stability we need-and I don't expect him to at this age. Still, I feel trapped, stagnant, and like we're not growing anymore, or I don't know how to tell if we are growing but it don't feel like it... We're under so much pressure that it's even affecting our intimacy—we haven't been close in a long time, and when we try, it's unsatisfying.

I feel more like his roommate or best friend than his girlfriend. I'm torn because he's a great person, and I do love him, but I don't know if I love him enough to keep struggling like this. Part of me wants to leave everything— my job, friends, sisters, and him-and move to South Carolina to stay with my grandma. But I also wonder if our relationship would improve if our immediate needs (like housing) were met. In the beginning of our relationship when we weren't struggling it felt like a dream but now it's more so turning into a nightmare...My questions are:

How do I gauge if our relationship is worth continuing when we're under so much stress?

If I stay, what steps can we take to rebuild our connection and address the tension in our relationship?

If I decide to leave, how can I approach the conversation with my partner without blaming him for the situation?

I want to make the right decision for both of us, but I'm struggling to see a clear path forward.

[glows]

I’m trying to understand - living rent free and making above minimum wage but scraping by? How is that? Is there a lot of debt repayment? Or expenses? Ie vehicle payments etc? Can you both reduce your expenses, pay down your debts faster and save? Where is the bulk of your income going?

[play444kay]

Sorry I didn’t wanna make it longer than I did but I should’ve went into more detail, we don’t pay rent but we both help with utilities & pay for our own food/phones and WiFi of course and I do have a vehicle I am currently paying for and I am under my own insurance which as a new/young driver it is quite a lot. We both have some savings I personally have about 5k saved and not sure how much he has but I’m scared about jumping into getting an apartment on my own and somehow falling behind and getting an eviction or something…my credit is excellent & I always pay all and any bills on time & super responsible it’s just I’m nervous about having to pay full rent out here with utilities on top of everything else I have to pay for I feel like once you get into your first apartment there’s no going back (not that I really have a place to go back to here in Boston) but I just want to make sure I’m setting myself up for success I’ve been homeless for a long time off and on in my life so maybe it’s just irrational fear that’s stopping me from stepping up and doing the adult thing I just don’t want to be stuck working to only afford to live I’m honestly at the brink of my mental capacity so I’m scared for hitting lower than I already am. 

Edited November 18 by play444kay
Misspelling

[play444kay]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

I’m trying to understand - living rent free and making above minimum wage but scraping by? How is that? Is there a lot of debt repayment? Or expenses? Ie vehicle payments etc? Can you both reduce your expenses, pay down your debts faster and save? Where is the bulk of your income going?

Sorry I’m still learning how to use this forum but reply is above ^ 

[glows]

No worries. I’ve been here for years and I’m still learning how to post lol 

I think your gut feelings are probably right about taking on a place of your own if you feel this isn’t the right time nor place to live. It sounds like moving south may have more opportunities for you, to save and maybe go back to school. Is that an option?

I refused to live with anyone in my first apartment. Then boyfriend was livid but I went full throttle and got my own. He broke up with me but I don’t regret it. I did not want to be responsible for another person when our relationship at the time was up and down. You do what’s best for yourself. Instinctively I also knew he probably wasn’t the guy I wanted to be with the rest of my life either but I was in denial. Looking back I should have been more mature and ended it before it got to that stage or hurt him because to him it was a betrayal. 

Should you leave I’d phrase that you’re doing what’s best for you but you wish the best for him too. The timing isn’t right even though you may love one another. 

[play444kay]

29 minutes ago, glows said:

No worries. I’ve been here for years and I’m still learning how to post lol 

I think your gut feelings are probably right about taking on a place of your own if you feel this isn’t the right time nor place to live. It sounds like moving south may have more opportunities for you, to save and maybe go back to school. Is that an option?

I refused to live with anyone in my first apartment. Then boyfriend was livid but I went full throttle and got my own. He broke up with me but I don’t regret it. I did not want to be responsible for another person when our relationship at the time was up and down. You do what’s best for yourself. Instinctively I also knew he probably wasn’t the guy I wanted to be with the rest of my life either but I was in denial. Looking back I should have been more mature and ended it before it got to that stage or hurt him because to him it was a betrayal. 

Should you leave I’d phrase that you’re doing what’s best for you but you wish the best for him too. The timing isn’t right even though you may love one another. 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. 💗

Moving south and staying with my grandma could definitely give me the opportunity to save and possibly go back to school, which I’ve been wanting to do. I actually posted this to get more perspectives, and someone mentioned that moving back might feel like a step backward or even handicap me in the long run, and I can see how that could be true. That’s why I feel so conflicted.
 

I wish I had thought more carefully before moving in with my partner—not that I regret it, but it’s been overwhelming, and I feel like I’ve lost a sense of stability. He’s truly amazing, and I can see a future with him, but I question if I love him enough to stay through all of these hard times. At the same time, I just want to feel normal again—not constantly worrying about where I’ll sleep or how to keep things together.

I really relate to what you said about denial—it might be better to end things now to spare us both more hurt. But it’s such a hard decision to make. I definitely have a lot of thinking to do. 

[ShyViolet]

Of course you're not going to be happy when you're struggling, can't afford to support yourself and are forced to live with your bf's dad in a less than ideal living situation.  I don't think this relationship is your biggest problem.  What is your plan in life, job wise?  Saying you make "more than minimum wage" isn't saying much.  You must not have that great of a job if you're struggling this much financially.  Did you go to school?  What's your career plan?  You need to get yourself on a better track career wise.  And that should be a priority over this relationship.

Edited November 18 by ShyViolet

[SurfCity]

Would your grandma let him move in too? Have you talked to him about moving someplace less expensive? Maybe he's ready to leave Boston too. Talk to him and see if he'll move with you to a city with a lower cost of living. 

[Gaeta]

14 hours ago, play444kay said:

and someone mentioned that moving back might feel like a step backward or even handicap me in the long run

Of course not, you're only 22 years old! You have time to go back and start again especially if it's a better start than the last start. 

So your boyfriend thought it would be a good move to go to Boston, turns out it's not. You are too young to not spread your wings because of a boyfriend of 2 years. Like I was telling my 20 yo daughter this weekend, life is funny, it can be really short and it can be really long at the same time. Life is really long when we're with the wrong person, we don't have completed our education, we scrape by. The decisions you make today will shape your future. Life is not a car race. It's not about getting your own apartment asap, it's first about putting your Chess pieces in place. Your trampoline is having a piece of paper whether it's a college diploma or a Trade diplomat. 

If I were you I would be moving to your grand mother, if she invited you. I would not bring the boyfriend. I don't know how old is your grand mother but grand mothers should not be imposed a boyfriend. You were 19 years old when you met your boyfriend and since you've matured and grew other aspirations. it's ok. 

Edited November 18 by Gaeta

[play444kay]

15 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Of course you're not going to be happy when you're struggling, can't afford to support yourself and are forced to live with your bf's dad in a less than ideal living situation.  I don't think this relationship is your biggest problem.  What is your plan in life, job wise?  Saying you make "more than minimum wage" isn't saying much.  You must not have that great of a job if you're struggling this much financially.  Did you go to school?  What's your career plan?  You need to get yourself on a better track career wise.  And that should be a priority over this relationship.

I’m not going to lie & will probably sound dumber than I already do but I don’t have a clear plan for my life right now. All I know is that I want to be a stable, successful member of society, work a decent job, and build some security for myself. I take full responsibility for where I’m at, but I’ve been playing catch-up since I was 15. That’s when my mom decided she didn’t want to take care of me or my sisters anymore. From that point, I had to step up and do everything I could to take care of myself.

I managed to graduate high school, but after that, I worked two jobs for a while, thinking I could support myself while going to school. Unfortunately, things just didn’t align to make that happen. I moved here because I thought there would be more opportunities, but it hasn’t worked out the way I’d hoped.
 

Before I moved, I was making $15 an hour, and now I make $23 at a nonprofit. I genuinely love my job—I’ve learned so many new skills, and it’s been a great experience. That said, I know I need to prioritize finding something with better pay and stability if I want to improve my situation.

Im willing to do anything and everything to get on a better track—I just didnt know what my next step should be but I’ll definitely look inward & start trying to figure out what an ideal career plan would like like for me. Thank you for the response

[play444kay]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Of course not, you're only 22 years old! You have time to go back and start again especially if it's a better start than the last start. 

So your boyfriend thought it would be a good move to go to Boston, turns out it's not. You are too young to not spread your wings because of a boyfriend of 2 years. Like I was telling my 20 yo daughter this weekend, life is funny, it can be really short and it can be really long at the same time. Life is really long when we're with the wrong person, we don't have completed our education, we scrape by. The decisions you make today will shape your future. Life is not a car race. It's not about getting your own apartment asap, it's first about putting your Chess pieces in place. Your trampoline is having a piece of paper whether it's a college diploma or a Trade diplomat. 

If I were you I would be moving to your grand mother, if she invited you. I would not bring the boyfriend. I don't know how old is your grand mother but grand mothers should not be imposed a boyfriend. You were 19 years old when you met your boyfriend and since you've matured and grew other aspirations. it's ok. 

Thank you so much for your perspective it really resonates with me. You’re absolutely right that I’m still young and have time to start over, especially if it means building a stronger foundation for my future. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately, and I think it’s time for me to prioritize myself and my goals.
 

I agree that staying with my grandmother, if that’s an option, would be a good way to reset and figure out my next steps without the added pressure of trying to navigate everything at once. As much as I care about my boyfriend…. I understand that sometimes we have to focus on our own individual growth. Moving forward on my own feels like the best decision for me right now.

The advice about life being long but also challenging when we’re in the wrong situations really hit home. I don’t want to look back years from now and regret not taking the time to set myself up for success. Thank you for sharing your insight it’s really helped me see things more clearly.

[play444kay]

8 hours ago, SurfCity said:

Would your grandma let him move in too? Have you talked to him about moving someplace less expensive? Maybe he's ready to leave Boston too. Talk to him and see if he'll move with you to a city with a lower cost of living. 

I’m sure she would but I don’t think he’s willing to go that far I briefly mentioned it and it didn’t seem like he was interested, but he does agree we just aren’t sustainable here and willing to move elsewhere that’s a commutable distance to our jobs but I’ll definitely have this conversation with him in detail

Edited November 18 by play444kay

[ShyViolet]

7 minutes ago, play444kay said:

I agree that staying with my grandmother, if that’s an option, would be a good way to reset and figure out my next steps without the added pressure of trying to navigate everything at once. As much as I care about my boyfriend…. I understand that sometimes we have to focus on our own individual growth. Moving forward on my own feels like the best decision for me right now.

Bottom line, you need to get yourself on a career path so you're not still struggling to find a place to live at age 30.  Whether your future includes your bf or not.  Right now it honestly sounds like this bf is holding you back.  It's like a dead weight you are carrying in addition to the problem of needing to figure out your career path.  And who needs extra weight to carry when you already have enough to worry about.  You don't sound passionate or committed to this relationship at all.  You kinda sound like you know it's time to end it.  Go with your gut and don't waste your precious time on something that's not working.

22 is still very young and it's not that bad to not know what you want to do at age 22.  This would be a perfect time to go back to school, if you have a clear idea of what you would want to major in.  I went back to school to get my masters at age 34.  You have a lot of time, but don't waste it.

[Leihla_B]

On 11/17/2024 at 9:19 PM, play444kay said:

Moving south and staying with my grandma could definitely give me the opportunity to save and possibly go back to school, which I’ve been wanting to do.

I would do this ^^^. If you need a shove, winter is almost here, and it's no picnic in Boston.

Nothing against the BF, but the two of you struggling just to find a place where you'll be bound by a lease and continue struggling just to keep up together sounds like cornering yourself. I'd get out while I can avoid leaving BF with a place he can't afford on his own and a lease that would be so expensive to break that I'd waste all the money I was trying to save.

Head high, thank Grandma, and enjoy the south this winter!

Edited November 19 by Leihla_B

[Els]

On 11/19/2024 at 4:59 AM, play444kay said:

I’m not going to lie & will probably sound dumber than I already do but I don’t have a clear plan for my life right now. All I know is that I want to be a stable, successful member of society, work a decent job, and build some security for myself. I take full responsibility for where I’m at, but I’ve been playing catch-up since I was 15. That’s when my mom decided she didn’t want to take care of me or my sisters anymore. From that point, I had to step up and do everything I could to take care of myself.

I managed to graduate high school, but after that, I worked two jobs for a while, thinking I could support myself while going to school. Unfortunately, things just didn’t align to make that happen. I moved here because I thought there would be more opportunities, but it hasn’t worked out the way I’d hoped.
 

Before I moved, I was making $15 an hour, and now I make $23 at a nonprofit. I genuinely love my job—I’ve learned so many new skills, and it’s been a great experience. That said, I know I need to prioritize finding something with better pay and stability if I want to improve my situation.

Im willing to do anything and everything to get on a better track—I just didnt know what my next step should be but I’ll definitely look inward & start trying to figure out what an ideal career plan would like like for me. Thank you for the response

Making $23/hr is normal at your age, but you're right in that you can't have a stable life and make progress with that kind of pay (in a big city and a developed country, anyway).

You have two main choices, the way I see it. You can either carry on with your current job and situation for the time being and accept it as temporary while you figure out what you want to do with your life... Or you prioritize your long term future and income by going back to school and taking up a degree or certificate, even if you must take up student loans to do so. If you have rent free housing to live in for the time being, that sounds like a good time to go back to school.

As for moving in with your grandma in South Carolina... That sounds like taking several steps backwards to me. Unless you actually like South Carolina and can visualize a long term plan for yourself there?