Excruciating

[riobikini]

UT:

 

Your body emptied out some of those hormones yesterday when you were crying and emotional.

 

That's one of the reasons you feel somewhat 'better' today.

 

Post often.

 

Here's a smile: -and a hug:

 

Just breathe.

 

-Rio

[UT_longhorn]

Thanks Rio....

 

I think the release was good. I was trying to be too strong and not show any emotions even in private and when the floodgates opened...they really opened. I think I'm feeling a tad better today but I am scared about some of the alone time I may have during the weekend. I'm going to try to keep as occupied as possible, but sometimes you cant avoid some alone time.

 

How are you feeling today Rio?

[Ezydriver]

Your body emptied out some of those hormones yesterday when you were crying and emotional.

I agree with this, but what I can't understand, is why 7 weeks on, I still get the hormones and emotion to the same intensity of 7 weeks ago, surely I must have cried them all out by now, with the exception of Tuesday just gone, I've cried everyday, even today, sometimes not till I go to bed, sometimes within minutes of getting out of bed. Today is the 50th day since our split, I don't know how much more I can take, the depression is paralysing, I cant face work, yet cant face being home, I cant face friends, yet can't face being alone, my concerntration is non existent so I can't get lost in a book or newspaper, I feel trapped with my own intense thoughts without the capability of distracting myself. Anybody else able to relate to this? I only spent 6 months with her, this is killing me.

Steve.

[fomerlyniceguy]

UT (hook'em by the way) it seems you understand now no one can give you an answer to how long it will take. The more you do for yourself the better you will feel, whether it's buying a new shirt, going out with friends, seeing a therapist it all goes into that bucket thats filling you back up. My wife asked for a divorce back in October, but it was December before we could move out of the house, and finally seperate. I had a long time to think about it, I was torn up for a couple of weeks, then I did fine all through the holidays, then suddenly the other day I get hit with it again. Luckily I am feeling better today, because I got on the phone and made a appointment to see my therapist again. I realized before I called that it had very little to do with her, I am unhappy for quite a few reasons, I have to straighten those out, The only reason I was missing her was because she filled that void. I realize I need to do what it takes to fill that void and then I can truly be an equal partner in someones life. keep up the good work, you'll get there.

[UT_longhorn]

Steve,

 

Have you had closure from your relationship? Do you know that it is truly over? Or is there a small bit of hope that somehow you will get back together? For some reason yesterday I finally accepted the fact that she is not coming back and I must move on. If you hold on to hope, I think its harder to move on.

 

Also Steve, I really reccomend that you try your all to be with people. Yesterday I called everyone that I considered a friend in my phone and just spoke to each of them. They all gave me different perspectives and analyses of my situation and I think that really helped.

 

You really gotta get out of the house...in public, with friends, just anywhere not alone at home. If you are at home alone, I suggest turning on all the lights as bright as possible, tune the TV on a comedy show, and post on Loveshack as much as possible. Reading is one thing, but I really do believe posting has some great therapeautic effects as I am now just finding out.

[riobikini]

UTLonghorn,

 

RE:

 

I think I'm feeling a tad better today but I am scared about some of the alone time I may have during the weekend. I'm going to try to keep as occupied as possible, but sometimes you cant avoid some alone time.

 

How are you feeling today Rio?

 

 

UT, it's not me I'm concerned with, -my nature is to look after other people.

 

That's my own unique 'therapy', since people would look at me funny if I asked THEM for help.

 

Occupying your time isn't 'running away' as some believe.

 

It's just simply a very needed temporary DISTRACTION that is a valuable tool in healing.

 

It gets you 'out there' physically and makes you use your brain and body for functions other than grieving your loss and focusing on your pain.

 

It actually makes you FEEL better.

 

Your mind gets a break.

 

And your body gets a workout.

 

Both are good.

 

Really, really good.

 

Go with it.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

EZY,

 

That post was for you, too.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

UT,

RE:

 

Rio, thats interesting verbiage - "pain is the natural process of love in reverse". You're so right.

 

I should have said, "Pain is the natural process of love in reverse, -sometimes, with the brakes ON!"

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[UT_longhorn]

I should have said, "Pain is the natural process of love in reverse, -sometimes, with the brakes ON!"

 

Sometimes crashing into a brick wall!

[riobikini]

UT,

(Laughing)

 

Now you're working thru it, baby!

 

-Rio

[Ezydriver]

UT_longhorn, No I had no closure, she just went frosty for a day or two over the phone, then stopped responding altogether, it took me two days for the penny to drop, then about another 4 days for me to actually realise "Sh*t, this is it" that 4 day period was the denial period of grief, I was convinced she'd miss me too much not to ring. So I was in severe limbo for 6 days. Then over the next two weeks I proceeded to write a letter, a clever one, explaining how much differently I saw things and how much I'd changed, that I missed her etc... no begging or cryimg, no neediness or desperation and certainly no 'I love you's', I thought this would win her round, this was my bargaining stage of the grief process, she did ring however to thank me for the letter, but the 15 minute conversation was casual, you know "hows your son?" and "hows your mum?" etc... I didn't loose it on the phone and I could tell she was definitely fine and probably never even cried over me. I could just tell, she sounded too happy and occupied with new interests. After this call, which was 3 1/2 weeks into the split, and was 3 1/2 weeks ago from today I realised that that was it, bargaining stage over, on to the next stage, depression, I am still stuck in this phase in a big way and feel stuck. This is where the panic attacks, emotional hijackings (which is how I broke my toe) emotional meltdowns come from, and also the fear, fears of the future, fears of her ringing me, fears of her not ringing me etc...

I really want to move on to the anger stage, which is the last before acceptance, acceptance is when I'll be through with this crap. However, I feel no anger, I cant provoke or instigate it, I really feel this would really get me moved on. I hope it hits soon. I've felt NO anger at all in the 7 weeks. I try to see friends, but dont forget, you've been 5 days and this is new to your friends, I've been 7 weeks and they have their limits. People tire easily of other peoples problems and they probably cant understand why I cant 'get over it'.

Posting on here and here http://ojar.com/boards/ is excellent I find, very theraputic. Its not a magic wand, but occupies my time and makes me feel that I'm not alone.

 

Rio, you're advice is inspiring and makes much sense, thank you for your replies, you sound strong and wise.

Regards to both of you,

Steve.

[UT_longhorn]

I think that the mail and call set you back, but maybe you needed it as it seems like the closest thing to closure you had.

 

Do you still "wait" for her contact? Cause I'll tell you, she won't. Like you said she's having fun. You're not on her mind I guarantee you. If you do pop up in her head, it won't have anything to do with her getting back with you.

I know my ex is out there having fun. I know she's enjoying life without me. It hurts to know that she doesn't care to see how I am, but maybe she doesn't contact me because she wants to do the right thing and let me move on. Theres a great post by a member on this forum (Lucreza Borga or something like that...I think Rio will know) that outlines how a woman feels when she lets the guy go...that helped me to accept my situation.

 

If she somehow does call, I'd avoid the call like a plauge. In my cell phone, under where my Ex's name used to be I put down "DO NOT TAKE" in case she calls to lift my hopes up and proceed to trample on my fragility. I will not let her do that.

 

As far as stages go, i don't think you can force yourself into one stage or another, but I do believe complete acceptance of the breakup is priority number 1.

[Ezydriver]

No I dont wait for her to call, not any more, I'm 99% sure she wont, however, I feel that its a little unfair to say that I'm not on her mind, I did have an effect on her and was different to her previous two relationships, I gave her security, showed her what making love is, something she had no idea about despite being 34, it was alien to her. There were many differences and she clearly was very into me at one point, I dont feel though that this alone is enough to convince me she'll ring me, I know she won't, but I certainly think I pop into her head regulary. She may relate me to 'safety' and would probably be inclined to ring me when she gets her heart broken.

Regards,

Steve.

p.s. I've accepted it, I'm more realistic and am taking serious steps to move on.

p.s.s I would avoid the call like the plague, no worries there!!!

[UT_longhorn]

I hear you.

How is your day today? Has it been one of the better ones?

 

I realized I was doing things to hijack my own emotions also. i would check to see if she was online on my instant messenger. I would check her xanga page (blog) to see what she writes. I am done with that.

 

That b!tch.

[Ezydriver]

Today I woke up and was feeling horrible, I cried, then I went for a 1 hour brisk walk, this worked magic and I highly recommend it, half way round I was feeling really lifted, this isn't wearing off too much yet and I feel free from major depression, so yes, today is a good day since my walk, I'm going to try a 1 hour walk every day, it really does work wonders most of the time.

I wouldn't wish this kind of journey on my worst enemy, I just hope I do feel the anger phase. I'm a completely non angry person, nothing ever makes me angry, I aleays see the other persons point of view, I'm a little too understanding, a little too chilled out, I really really want to feel the anger though.

Steve.

[UT_longhorn]

I've definately not reached the anger stage yet .. although I have felt twinges of it. I think you just want to reach a stage past the depression and past the pain which is totally understandable. I want to move past the heartache as well....sometimes it is unbearable....and youre right, I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy.

 

God I miss her right now and the progress that I made is about to become compromised. But I hate her for putting me through this, so maybe I am a bit angry. Why do I start to think that there is no one else as good/compatible/beautiful as her out there. i know its the pedestal thingy that I'm doing with her. Dam.n her for this.

 

Dam.n her for being a cold heartless B. Dam.n her for twisting my heart out and wrenching my guts. Dam.n her for shattering my dreams of her and I. Dam.n her for being such a wonderful woman that I loved to pieces. Dam.n me for not realizing so many things in the relationship and losing something so precious.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[skeptik224]

My ex and I have been broken up for 3 months but it wasn't a normal break up. Throughtout the 3 months, she's periodically got in contact with me. Up until about 3 weeks ago, each time we talked, we talk about how we aren't going to do the back/forth thing with our feelings. We both want to date each other but I want her exclusively and she wants to date around. The last time we got together, we kissed - even though we agreed we weren't doing that back/forth thing again. Since then, she's e-mailed me once and text messaged me twice. Today marks 11 days of NC. The longest we've gone is 14 days. She knows that I can't be with her and others - and I know that she can't be exclusive to me. It sucks, though...it makes you feel that you aren't good enough and that she just lied. My ex is nothing but a scared little baby who would rather run away from me than deal with things head on. She's in that party stage which will eventually tire. Then..maybe then...she'll realize what she had and ran away from. The days get easier - but there'll be a few bad ones thrown into the mix. Be strong my friend...

[UT_longhorn]

skeptic...i hear you. my girlfriend was 23, im 28 and she is definately in the party stage where she wants to go out as much as possible, whereas I'm cool with doing that once in a while. I think the age difference, as much as I don't want to admit it, was a factor in our relationship issues.

 

I'm glad she hasn't tried to contact me yet. It would F me up if she did. But I'm thinking down the line that she might. Do they always try to call down the line after NC?

[skeptik224]

The messed up thing UT is that she's 36 (as of tomorrow). She's always been in a relationship since she was 19 - has never been on her own and has never been single. So..this is something that she has to do. I truly believe that I was the love of her life. About a month ago, she pulled my best friend aside and had a long heart to heart talk with her about me and us. She said I'm one of the greatest people she knows. Kind of ironic, don't ya think. It's so hard to find closure when they leave when things are great and say all those great things to you and about you. Do I think she'll call me again? Yes, I do. My friend says the same thing - she'll call again and that I was the love of her life. She has said that she belives my ex is just so scared coming out of the 2 consecutive relationships prior to me and then going to someone like me that she doesn't know what to do with it. She's in therapy - I only hope she's dealing with things. As of about 3 weeks ago, our picture was still up in her office. Do I think your ex will call? yes. I think - at one point or another - all ex's either call or conveniently show up. My ex - about 1 1/2 months ago magically appeared at my gate. She's admitted that if we hooked up 6 months later than we did, we'd still be going strong. It does mess you up when they contact you. It brings you back to square one...trust me...I know. But, it helps to know that although she's doing everything possible to avoid being alone (which is what she desperately needs), I'm doing what I need to do for me. The way I figure it is...if you know in your heart of hearts that you treated your ex the best way you can...if you know that you did everything possible to let her know how you felt throughout the relationship, and you know each other as well as you say you know her...than you did your best. If your best wasn't good enough for her, maybe it's her issues. We all say that "they don't think about us, they're happier without us, they haven't cried." I say that, too. Truth is...we all know that they do miss us, they do think about us and they have/do cry. Not everyone shows emotions the way we do. Some cry..some run away..some jump into other relationship.. Everything will come to a head. We at the shack are dealing with things first then will move to happiness. Our ex's would rather hide the sadness - avoid the sadness - and avoid it. It'll come back to bite them in the butt

[riobikini]

UT, EZ and others:

 

Here's a post that may help.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=665720

 

 

-Rio

[Ezydriver]

Rio, thank you for the link, I read it all, twice, lots of good advice in there. Thank you.

Steve.

[riobikini]

EZ..and all,

 

You're welcome.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio