during recovery

for those of you who have been destroyed by a break up...where it takes months to get past it, did you date durting that time? did you want to be with anyone else? could you even imagine being intimate, trusting, being in a new relationship?

ive read posts where some people take 6-18 months to "get over" their ex depending on how emotionally involved they were. im currently 7 months into it and havent wanted anyone else but my ex. thinking of being with anyone else makes me uncomfortable and almost feeling sick. you can imagine how i feel thinking of the ex and her new guy. is this normal...?

I can relate to this completely.

We broke up in July and I cannot stop thinking about her. We were together for 10 months and it has now been 6 months since we split. I have done the whole go find someone else thing, but even though other girls are interested in me, I'm not interested in them. They're all sweet, pretty etc but I just can't do it whilst I'm thinking of someone else.

I agree with Mr. P. I was in a 10 month live-in relationship and it has been 3.5 months since the break up. Even though I have gained back some emotional ground, I am still not ready to get intimate with someone.

I've been split up with the ex for around 6 months now. I fooled around with 2 guys on holiday, but it didn't mean much so i was ok to do that. But then i met someone who fell in love with me, hes a brilliant guy and we started to dat (long distance) all was going well until the ex contacted me (after 3 months NC) then all the feelings came rushing back and i realised i just could not do it nomore, it wasn't fair on him, my heart was elsewhere as much as i really really care about this guy. See what i mean? So we are now just really good friends. So that's my experience with guys since the break up!

Dear SickOfIt,

The REAL question is: what do YOU feel like doing?

There is no 'proper' nor 'improper' length of time attributed to dating after a breakup, EXCEPT for the general rules of thumb, (i.e. she had life-saving surgery within a week after you'd broken up = don't be seen with a new girl on your arm at the country club dance, -or he lost his parents in a tragic accident right after you'd broken it off = you probably need to send flowers and just hold onto all your dance cards for a while longer, so you won't be called a heartless slut).

Remember, tho, that all is fair in love and war; at least, that's what they say.

(Smile)

Except for the general rules of etiquette, which are in place to show simple decent human compassion, I do believe the choice whether to date after a break up (and WHEN), is a very individual thing due to several factors.

Some of them are: the length of the relationship, the circumstances, the depth of emotions (or the lack of) from each of you towards one another, and whether or not this is REALLY a BREAKUP or a just a BREAK.

If it's truly a breakup and you have finalized all (or most of) the outstanding issues with each other and have at least, SOME degree of closure, then there's no reason left NOT to date, -that is, unless, you still have strong emotions left to deal with which may cause you to feel as if you are 'cheating' somehow.

If you WANT to date but still find this uneasy feeling of being unfaithful getting in the way, rest assured it is common.

It is pseudo-guilt.

It's because you are 'new' again to dating and because you aren't used to doing it with anyone else but your recently parted constant partner.

You could also still be dealing with the natural process of letting someone go with whom you had invested deep feelings and are not WILLING to truly let go of the relationship, yet.

You may not be ready to date again until these feelings lessen and the 'letting go' process has had more time to resolve your struggle with your emotions.

They are sure to fade with the amount of time required, which is primarily based on the intensity of emotions cultivated in each individual relationship.

Some may not feel 'guilt', at all.

Again, this may be due to the value of the relationship as seen through the eyes of an individual.

Time may have already lapsed during which one or both partners could 'see it coming' and both may have been well-prepared for the 'end'.

With those cases, dating may come a bit more easily.

And then there is the emotion of 'anger'.

Anger can be as much a tool to promote the 'moving on' process as relying on the mere balm of 'time'.

But it is a manual application.

Anger can douse you in a shield of armour that forces your emotions into a state of steely confidence and refusal to look back (no matter what), -and can help get you back into the social scene.

Getting angry doesn't work for everyone.

It is rather more a matter of a grouped set of individual personality traits and even choice (whether we admit it or not), -which determines HOW you will perceive the thought of dating again and accomplish it.

If you simply do not feel like dating for awhile, don't sweat it.

There WILL come a day when someone catches your eye and you will look twice.

It is silently written into the Law of Odds.

And if you DO happen to be one of those who is currently furiously burning bridges and swearing defiantly from your fiery but lonely stump, that you will NEVER DATE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE (!!!!), -trust me, you are more likely to 'hook-up' with someone faster than the lovely working ladies of Amsterdam.

The Law of Odds in full display.

(Smile)

Take care.

-Rio

Dear SickOfIt,

 

The REAL question is: what do YOU feel like doing?

I feel like pouring my heart out, again. telling my ex how much i miss her and love her and that i cant look at anyone without thinking of and missing her so much.

Some of them are: the length of the relationship, the circumstances, the depth of emotions (or the lack of) from each of you towards one another, and whether or not this is REALLY a BREAKUP or a just a BREAK.

 

If it's truly a breakup and you have finalized all (or most of) the outstanding issues with each other and have at least, SOME degree of closure, then there's no reason left NOT to date, -that is, unless, you still have strong emotions left to deal with which may cause you to feel as if you are 'cheating' somehow.

 

If you WANT to date but still find this uneasy feeling of being unfaithful getting in the way, rest assured it is common.

 

It is pseudo-guilt.

I have no closure. ive done a lot of introspecting but i cant apply it. i cant show my ex. thats all i want to do. thats the only way i see feeling better. she moved right on and i cant imagine how she did it. we were together for 5.5 years and never broke up. youd think that there would be some second chance involved after such a long relationship and i was relying on one to show her how ive thought about everything.

because im still deeply in love with her i cant imagine doing anything with anyone and shes already ina serious relationship...physical and everything. i feel like i should be moved on. in fact she told me..."i cant believe youve wasted so much time" in reference to me feeling so bad about the breakup and missing her.

You could also still be dealing with the natural process of letting someone go with whom you had invested deep feelings and are not WILLING to truly let go of the relationship, yet.

I havent figured out how to let go yet. i dont know what i need to see. do i need to see them have sex? does she need to marry him? i think of those things and go into a panic and want her back before those are possibilities. i care for her so much and cant imagine caring for anyone this way. its been 7 months!!! shouldnt i be past those feelings??

And then there is the emotion of 'anger'.

 

Anger can be as much a tool to promote the 'moving on' process as relying on the mere balm of 'time'.

Anger can douse you in a shield of armour that forces your emotions into a state of steely confidence and refusal to look back (no matter what), -and can help get you back into the social scene.

does the anger catch up at some point. i think she jumped into a new relationship out of anger towrds me...will this hit her at some point?? im grasping at anything...though i shouldnt.

If you simply do not feel like dating for awhile, don't sweat it.

There WILL come a day when someone catches your eye and you will look twice.

It is silently written into the Law of Odds.

And if you DO happen to be one of those who is currently furiously burning bridges and swearing defiantly from your fiery but lonely stump, that you will NEVER DATE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE (!!!!), -trust me, you are more likely to 'hook-up' with someone faster than the lovely working ladies of Amsterdam.

i want to be able to trust someone again. i want to be able to enjoy myself. everyone im with though, isnt my ex, and therefore i get down. i cant "hook up" with some random person, though my physical desires are starting to really want it. i dont feel right doing it. and i do feel guilty because though im not ina relationship...i look at my ex who says she loves this new guy and thefore in my mind, being physical is ok. whereas i would just be getting some a$$, a purely physical need being fulfilled.

Dear SickOfIt:

Clearly, 7 mos. is not enough time for YOU to be 'over it'.

Again, getting over someone is a personal and individual journey, and where the general rules of thumb used to determine just when we should be 'over it' are based mainly on the integrity of our physical safety and health and our mental health and well-being.

You had five years invested in this relationship.

That is SIGNIFICANT.

To say you should have moved on completely by now would, in my opinion, be ridiculous, simply given the obvious length of time you spent as a couple.

You are still in the throes of the 'denial & hope' phase.

You WANT to heal up and move on, -but you just CAN'T.

Your imagination gets the best of you, sometimes, -you play out scenarios of 'what if' in your mind.

Anything to keep hope alive.

In your gut you know better.

But seconds later, you doubt that.

You doubt everything, -and yet.

This relationship meant a great deal to you and is very difficult to just toss away.

Patterns were formed during those five years that you still just naturally want to carry out, -and each thing you begin to do (i.e. everything from take out the trash to turning down the bed) reminds you of something you did WITH each other, FOR each other, BECAUSE she/he liked it that way, -or DIDN'T.

Life was a 'we' thing....now it's just YOU.

In your weakest lonely moments, -you'd take her back despite the things she did that seriously irritated you or made you angry before.

You consider no compromises, just acceptance.

In having this mental replay, you might stop to ask yourself why you couldn't have done it before the breakup, because, now, you'd give almost anything for the opportunity to go back and 'fix' things.

You may not realize it, but by asking yourself those questions and experiencing the willingness to sacrifice your own wishes to accept all of her mistakes, errors, failures and just plain bad judgement without compromise, is giving you the opportunity to review information that is actively, though sublimely, leading you through a natural process which will help to bring you to a future place where a more developed perception about the entire relationship will occur.

If you need to, read that again.

In a nutshell: you are working through it on your OWN timetable.

Going COMPLETELY THROUGH this process will help you get to a place where you will one day realize EXACTLY what you COULD HAVE changed, and WHAT YOU COULDN'T HAVE changed; i.e. you will loose the rose-colored glasses.

You can't help but go through this process.

It's inevitable.

It's painful.

Even when we think we are 'stuck' in it and can't move on, we are often only having to process MORE information through our emotional machinery due to the length of time spent in the relationship, the sheer VOLUME of info, and the intensity of emotions involved during your time with him/her.

No one should question the time involved unless you begin to show signs of absolutely NO PROGRESS or start wanting to hurt yourself or others.

If those thoughts are being seriously entertained, develop a stronger support system with trusted people with whom you can openly speak and share these thoughts with and (I strongly suggest) consider the immediate help of a professional counselor.

Most of the time, it only FEELS like we're dying.

Giving credit to the power that feelings can have on our behavior, that's where the anger I talked about comes into play.

It is common to, at some point, feel absolute EMPOWERING anger during your journey to recovery.

This is the POSITIVE kind of anger that bosses our wimpy, slobbering carcasses and digs us out of the doldrums, MAKING us crawl out of bed and FORCING us to get dressed instead of wallowing around in our pajamas all day.

That kind of anger drills us like a Sargent and kicks our asses all the way to the gym, where it whips us back into shape and gives us something to be kind of proud of again, as we pass the hallway mirror.

It's the type of anger that quickly transitions into strong, relentless determination, which leads to healthy new confidence.

Touching base with the anger phase is a significant sign that you are 'processing' in a healthy way.

And there will be many other strong emotions felt during the recovery process.

There will be days where your moods will fluctuate so often within such a short period that you may think you are on the verge of insanity.

You may take comfort in knowing, that questioning your own mental stability, at times, is quite normal.

I can't say enough about how well 'time' is at healing us, if we just go with it's 'flow'.

It's like going through fierce, white rapids on a rubber raft: you will be tossed about in some pretty rough water here and there; you may even spin, tip over, and fight for control, but eventually, you will come through it to a more tranquil place.

Now, -you wanted an answer about how long you should take before dating again, -here's my answer:

When you get 'there', -finally, in that 'tranquil' place, step out of the boat for awhile.

You'll need to get your 'land legs' back, -however long THAT takes!

(Smile)

Take care.

-Rio

Dear Sickofit--

Rio has given you some very good advice and lots to think about. I would reread her wisdom several times if I were you.

I can appreciate what you're going through. When I've broken up with men, regardless of how long I was with one, it would vary in intensity of how long I needed to process the pain of that break-up. Sometimes a 3-4 year relationship would need only 2 or three months. Now it's taken me four months to finish processing/missing someone I was with for only 4 months! So, it has to do with what that person meant to you and what your soul knows is your next place to be.

Part of your ex needs another man to be with on this life journey...I know it sounds sappy and new agey....but I don't know of another way to look at life. It's not that she doesn't love you; it's just that another man can teach her something else that you can't. It's not even personal really. So trust life! There will be another woman who will LOVE YOU VERY DEEPLY!! You have to have faith in times like these. We all care about you.

Rio, you are the bomb!! You really have your head on straight, and I can't begin to express how much reading your posts has helped me w/ my breakup. Thank you

Ashley...here's a smile just for you:

And you're welcome.

-Rio

That is a lot of information. And it means a lot for you to take the time and write out such a lengthy and meaningful response. thank you.

It may have been been "7 months" since you broke up. But healing only starts once contact stops. So how long has it been SINCE YOUR LAST contact? If you had 7 months of COMPLETE and total NC, then you would be almost finished with the healing process. Contact for you is like giving in to a drug addiction. I am sorry to be so blunt but for you it is.

I think its absolutely imperative that before you start worrying about dating again, that you get REAL NC under your belt for a few months. This means absolutely no contact of any manner shape or form. That includes of course no contact from you to her. But hear this very very carefully. It also means not answering any of her calls. Better would be changing your phone number. Blocking IM. Blocking emails or better yet changing your email address to one she doesn't know about. Is she on Myspace. Don't look. No spying. No meeting her in person for coffee. Do you have common friends? No talking to them about her. NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND.

This is COLD TURKEY man and after all the research and reading I've done, I've come to realize its the only way someone with this kind of addiction to another person can get through it to the other side. The ONLY WAY. It is like getting off of drugs. You can't get off drugs if you continue to partake in your drug of choice even in a small way. You just can't. So begin by talking about your LAST CONTACT date as the important date for you and refrain from saying "its been 7 months since you broke up." That date does not matter. Its your last contact date that matters to you.

Please get serious about this or 2006 for you is going to be a year to forget. It COULD BE a year for the ages if you take the right steps now to get through this addiction you have by using NO CONTACT.

regards

No Contact = NO NEW HURTS

The timetable is different for all people. You have to let yourself be ready to date again. And when you do, its best to just let things happen and live in the moment. Trust me, you will find yourself dating again and not comparing someone to your ex but to your own expectations. When that begins to happen, then you know that you have been healed.