Lee47 Posted September 28 Share Posted September 28 My partner of 3 years has chosen to remain married. I don't understand why... At the begining of our relationship I disclosed to him that I would not want to start a relationship with someone who was seperated but still married. He then took it upon himself to ask for a divorce & proceed with an the legal seperation, sorted finances, kids, etc which she agreed to, prior to us meeting IRL. Since then I've relocated interstate to be with him so he could remain near his family. Only now after 3 years he refuses to go to the next stage & arrange divorce. We argue about this fairly regularly as I am uncomfortable with the ambiguity. I feel duped for being naive enough to take him at his word And although they remain friends I don't feel there's anything untoward going on between them. However it does feel like rejection of us & moving into the future, now we are buying a house together. What reasons could be have for backtracking staying married while living with me & talking about our future. Its weird right? How & why is it so uncomfortable, why do I feel it is important for us to have a clean slate. Are my feelings more important, if its just paperwork? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 28 Share Posted September 28 (edited) Only he (or perhaps his lawyer) can tell you why he's refusing to get divorced. I would suggest you stop having regular arguments about it - nagging and fighting over an issue isn't going to get it solved. Instead, LISTEN to him and accept that this is his preference and then work out what this means for you. Is it a dealbreaker? One thing's for sure though: actions have consequences. Until he is divorced, you should refuse to buy a house with him. (not out of spite, but because it would be nuts to do so). Edited September 28 by basil67 6 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 On 9/28/2024 at 3:00 AM, Lee47 said: At the begining of our relationship I disclosed to him that I would not want to start a relationship with someone who was seperated but still married. Your gut instinct was right. The problem, as you've learned, is that a divorce petition is not a divorce, so the man was still only separated AND still married. So here you are. This is the dead end you feared, so there's no time like the present to make a better decision for your own well-being. I'd never invest in property with anyone but a legal spouse. Use your down payment money to go live wherever you want to live, even if that's your home country. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lee47 Posted September 29 Author Share Posted September 29 Thanks. I want to clarify, this is my home country. I had previously known this guy when I was a young. So when I said met IRL, I meant as adults having lived a life. Covid isolation = more time on social media, we dated a year before I moved. I wouldn't say I nag him about divorce at all. But it does come up for me, we live next door to his family, proximity is stressful. Housing is an issue. I left once (because he made out like it wasn't a big deal that he'd only taken the initial steps in discussing divorce with her to advertise himself to me & meet my bare minimum), our compromise after he said he understood the difficulty I faced living next door was he said he would seek a divorce (date unspecified) & we would move.. Now he won't discuss with me his reasons for choosing to stay married. I know you can't force someone to do that, I haven't issued an ultimatum but there comes a time to make a choice for everyones sake. Isnt it about moving forward in your own life. God even just reading back this I feel like a right dick head. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 @Lee47 Please don't issue an ultimatum - based on his history and poor communication, you can't trust him to follow his word. Just look at who he is and how he acts and decide if this is the kind of man you want a future with. Also, if you do decide to buy a house anyway.... before you sign on the bottom line, make sure your lawyer knows that he's still married and discuss whether this creates any financial risk for you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted September 29 Share Posted September 29 1 hour ago, Lee47 said: Now he won't discuss with me his reasons for choosing to stay married. This, in my opinion, is the part that should worry you. Unwillingness to communicate about something so crucial, which not only clearly involves you both but pertains to one of the conditions you have both agreed upon, is alarming. Is there any way to gently insist on an explanation? There must be a reason for his refusal to divorce. Depending on what this reason is, your reaction is probably going to be different, ranging anywhere from full acceptance to breaking up. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted September 30 Share Posted September 30 2 hours ago, basil67 said: ...based on his history and poor communication, you can't trust him to follow his word. I agree. Lee, this guy has been a waste of your time for 3 years. You will never get any of that time back to re-live over again. I'd move away from him and never look back. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted September 30 Share Posted September 30 I'm so sorry that you uprooted your life and moved to be with your partner, only to be faced with this kind of uncertainty and discomfort. Definitely do not feel silly or naive for believing him when he said that he was willing and ready to go through with a divorce. I would definitely not move forward with buying a house together. That is a major financial and legal decision, and if he's not willing to follow through with a divorce, then you need to protect yourself and your finances in case things don't work out. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 30 Share Posted September 30 Who initiated the divorce? I think he still has feelings for his wife. Let me explain. When l left my marriage l first filed for a legal seperation. I found a job a couple hours away, started a new life. Life goes by so fast, a couple of years had gone and l had not filed for divorce yet. He had met another lady and they were moving in together. Anyway the following year l finally filed for divorce, by then his girlfriend is pregnant. I gave him a courtesy call to inform him he would receive divorce papers. To my "great" surprise he asked me why l wanted a divorce!! He wanted us to stay married but he could not clearly explain to me why but he did sign the divorce papers when he got them. Fast forward 10 years. Sadly he died unexpedtedly and of course l was at his funeral, we have a daughter together. Two of his sisters confined in me that he had never stopped loving me. 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lee47 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 Actually I've come to realise it's about control & manipulation. After reflecting on all this I see I've given him too much credit, he has many narcissistic behaviours on the check list & the reason he doesn't make sense to me is that he keeps changing tactics. I think too many people use the term narcissist and I know he has many redeeming qualities, but the behaviour he exibits seems designed to keep me off balance. I think there is a pattern of abuse here & I've fooled myself into thinking I'm not good enough and he's happy to reinforce that type of thinking by dismissing me and invalidating my opinion. This is seems like a power struggle. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 31 minutes ago, Lee47 said: Actually I've come to realise it's about control & manipulation. After reflecting on all this I see I've given him too much credit, he has many narcissistic behaviours on the check list & the reason he doesn't make sense to me is that he keeps changing tactics. I think too many people use the term narcissist and I know he has many redeeming qualities, but the behaviour he exibits seems designed to keep me off balance. I think there is a pattern of abuse here & I've fooled myself into thinking I'm not good enough and he's happy to reinforce that type of thinking by dismissing me and invalidating my opinion. This is seems like a power struggle. Labels mean nothing. It doesn't matter if he's a narcissist or just a garden variety a**h***. What matter is that you have the strength to walk away Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted Wednesday at 03:09 AM Share Posted Wednesday at 03:09 AM (edited) On 9/28/2024 at 5:00 PM, Lee47 said: My partner of 3 years has chosen to remain married. I don't understand why... At the begining of our relationship I disclosed to him that I would not want to start a relationship with someone who was seperated but still married. He then took it upon himself to ask for a divorce & proceed with an the legal seperation, sorted finances, kids, etc which she agreed to, prior to us meeting IRL. Since then I've relocated interstate to be with him so he could remain near his family. Only now after 3 years he refuses to go to the next stage & arrange divorce. We argue about this fairly regularly as I am uncomfortable with the ambiguity. I feel duped for being naive enough to take him at his word And although they remain friends I don't feel there's anything untoward going on between them. However it does feel like rejection of us & moving into the future, now we are buying a house together. What reasons could be have for backtracking staying married while living with me & talking about our future. Its weird right? How & why is it so uncomfortable, why do I feel it is important for us to have a clean slate. Are my feelings more important, if its just paperwork? Will he have a big financial loss when he divorces? Weird I wouldn't feel comfortable buying property with someone who is still legally married. Edited Wednesday at 03:12 AM by Goodguy05 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted Thursday at 07:44 PM Share Posted Thursday at 07:44 PM If he wanted to divorce - he would. if it bothers you that much - you would leave him. consequences and actions are normally congruent when it looks healthy - true and correct. you've stayed even though you say it bothers you. So leave him. find a man that’s available! He is still a married man! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted Friday at 01:09 AM Share Posted Friday at 01:09 AM 5 hours ago, S2B said: If he wanted to divorce - he would. if it bothers you that much - you would leave him. consequences and actions are normally congruent when it looks healthy - true and correct. you've stayed even though you say it bothers you. So leave him. find a man that’s available! He is still a married man! I agree. You either respect yourself enough to walk away from this, or you don't. I don't recall your age, but if these are your best fertility years, then this is tragic. Head high, move forward, and trust that the right man for you is waiting to find you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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