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Went no contact with MM - second thoughts


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SleeplessInThebix

It’s been a whirlwind - connected with him in February and we both felt a spark right away. A few days in he mentioned he was with someone, but didn’t mention marriage - I found him on fb and saw a wedding band on his finger which is how I found out. Confronted him, we stopped talking and I started seeing someone else shortly thereafter.
 

Fastforward to late July. Things didn’t work out with the other guy, and MM - let’s call him D - got back in touch around this time. We started talking everyday and got to know each other. I got the sense that D was everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner and he shared similar sentiments with me. He opened up to me about his marital issues - dead bedroom, long distance, estrangement, coexisting. We started dating, making plans and he researched separation/divorce options. Things fell apart about 10 days ago - he brought up divorce with his wife and she rallied and said she would drop everything and move countries to work on their marriage. So we broke up.
 

I've been mostly in shock the last few days - feeling a mix of shame, heartbreak and anger. Contemplated outing him to her but couldn’t bring myself too because 1) I love him, 2) I’m worried about the impact on my job/life if I get sucked into their issues. We had two very emotionally charged conversations where he reaffirmed his love and affection for me but said he owed it to her to work on their relationship. I went no contact as I was so numb and burnt out but within a few days he was back again saying he misses me. My birthday was Sunday and he emailed to say happy birthday - he wanted to send a gift but forgot my apartment unit number. I asked him not to reach out and blocked him everywhere.
 

I guess I’m looking for encouragement from any OW/OM who have gone no contact and successfully moved on. It’s taking me a lot not to reach out to him right now. 
 

Edit to add more detail - he and his wife have no kids, married 8 years and long distance for 2.

Edited by SleeplessInThe6ix
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1 hour ago, SleeplessInThe6ix said:

I guess I’m looking for encouragement from any OW/OM who have gone no contact and successfully moved on.

I think it’s like any breakup - you cry, you get angry, you eat a lot of ice cream, go for long walks, call your girlfriends to vent, etc…

This too shall pass. He was never yours to have - lesson learned. Life goes on… this is just another chapter in your story.

Don’t let it be more than one chapter… that’s the most important thing here. It’s time to move on for good. 

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happyhorizons

OP, you can definitely MOVE ON. You are always stronger than you think that you are. You have already taken the first step in the moving on process. You deserve to be priority #1 in a man’s life.

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It's so pathetic that married people will go to these lengths to maintain the status quo - unless something monumental happens, a few months from now he will say he doesn't want to disrupt the lives of his wife and family and he has no plans to leave her (he will continue to say that to your face later when you are either still dating or have disconnected from him).  He will keep letting you in because, frankly,  it's easy for him. You will give him attention and he will keep soaking it up  as long as you let him. Reminder- he's not biting the bullet on ending his marriage and tying up loose ends because he doesn't have to.

You're his side piece and until he tells you that he's left her and you can have an authentic relationship with him, that's all you are. It's not the cast of your future, it's the source of your pain.  Please stop writing your own script about how he is going to dramatically dump her and declare his love for you and start seeing this for what it is. 

Yes, it will be hard and it will hurt but going no contact is the most powerful move you can make. He's potentially sabotaging you future, ruining your chance for authentic love and you are letting him. 

You are worth a genuine experience and you will not have that with him.

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He made his choice. Staying involved in any level means more heartache for YOU and extra helpings for HIM!

he’s not offering you anything. Less than nothing - because he’s made it clear she is the priority.

Be kind to yourself and think long term goals - a single and available man. Never settle.

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ExpatInItaly
8 hours ago, SleeplessInThe6ix said:

We started dating

Well, no, not really. You started an affair. Married people can't date. 

I get why you're phrasing it that way, but you would be wise not to think of this as a real relationship in that sense. It will help you move on when you accept that it was a typical affair and this guy was not your boyfriend or even a man you were dating. It was a married chump sneaking around and fitting you in when his wife wouldn't notice. 

That's not to say your feelings aren't real. But framing this whole thing differently may help you let go. It was almost always likely to end this way, as married people rarely actually jump ship and end the marriage. Stay no contact. There's no future with him, so there's no sense keeping in touch. 

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2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, no, not really. You started an affair. Married people can't date. 

I get why you're phrasing it that way, but you would be wise not to think of this as a real relationship in that sense. It will help you move on when you accept that it was a typical affair

This was also my thought.

My first intention was to clarify - married men can’t “date.”

Sadly, this affair is very typical. Textbook, as they say… from his excuses for engaging with you (dead bedroom, coexisting) to the fact that when it came time for him to make a decision, “she” decided to reinvest rather than and he just couldn’t leave the marriage without working on it… standard married man talk. It’s been fun, but now back to my real life…

I would try heard not to make this more than it is - as I said above. All relationships hurt when they end. There is no way to avoid pain in relationships. But, broken hearts heal. Just give it time. 

You had feelings for this man but that was a poor decision. And poor decisions tend to have negative consequences. Despite what he may have said and what you had obviously hoped/assumed, he was still very much committed to another woman. Imagine how you would have felt if you were his wife and what you would have expected of your husband. As I said above, learn the lesson here and never put yourself in this position again. There are better things ahead for you - if you have the courage to let this go and go find them…

Edited by BaileyB
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stillafool
21 hours ago, SleeplessInThe6ix said:

I got the sense that D was everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner and he shared similar sentiments with me.

At that point you knew he was married.  Is a cheating married man what you've always wanted?

21 hours ago, SleeplessInThe6ix said:

he brought up divorce with his wife and she rallied and said she would drop everything and move countries to work on their marriage.

Were you there when they had this conversation?  If you read around this forum you will see this is the lie a lot of MM tell their mistresses to back them up and back them off from wanting them to leave their wives.  Think about it.  If he's selfish enough to cheat on her, he wouldn't think twice about divorcing her to be with the woman he loves.  Especially since they have no children.  What is holding him there?  Me thinks he never had that conversation, and she has no idea that he's been messing around with you.

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On 9/26/2024 at 7:34 PM, SleeplessInThe6ix said:

A few days in he mentioned he was with someone, but didn’t mention marriage - I found him on fb and saw a wedding band on his finger which is how I found out.

How did this guy make the miraculous transformation from a deceitful married turd to suddenly becoming everything you ever wanted in a man?

I can appreciate that you're hurting, and that's why it's important to identify exactly where you will make better choices as you move forward. Nothing heals like building the confidence to recognize that you cannot be fooled twice.

Head high.

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spiritedaway2003

Been there.  We had a short affair (not great, but it happened).  What a hot mess.  I won't go into details, but I left we went NC.   It was a rare connection we've never had with anyone else and on top of it, limerence was a tough pill to swallow.  How do I move on when that he is intrusively in my thoughts in so many waking moments?

What helped me, and what might help you OP, is radical acceptance.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Telling myself that I shouldn't feel how I felt about him was useless, because I knew I''d be lying to myself.  Telling myself that my then MM doesn't care at all also didn't work  - I also knew.   In short, you don't necessarily have to diminish everything that's happened.  Notwithstanding the consequences, we did end up getting back after the decision to separate so I failed NC in that respect.  Had he not, I would like to think that I would eventually get a place where I could move on as part of radical acceptance (example: he is choosing to stay where he is).   I would say just like in any breakup, progress is not really linear despite months of NC.  Radical acceptance doesn't "solve" anything or even give you the ending you want, but it does help to lesson the pain.  Heartbreak is real regardless of which side of the coin where you're coming from, so focus on self-care to help you cope.  Give your the same sort of compassion you would give to a friend and someone you love. 

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