What is he thinking

[Graciejones]

I work with a man (51, I’m 35) for over a year, who I’ve always liked, but knew he was married so respected that of course. Turns out he’s separated. 
We have had a lot of meetings in the past and there is always chemistry but we didn’t talk about it ever. We went on a work thing, and ended up getting drunk and slept together. It was a really good night. 
We were in the same hotel but I went back to my room after. He messaged me on the morning saying it was fun, asked me to come say goodbye to him at the station (I didn’t and said I was hungover in bed), he said he was thinking about me a lot on the way home etc. I told him I was now away for 2 weeks abroad and he seemed a bit sad. Then it went quiet. As we work together I text him 2 days later asking if we were good and he said morning, of course. We are good :) 
I get it was all a bit quick, I’m not being delusional. It won’t be awkward at work regardless as it’s not who I am. 

All I was wondering was why he would message the day after and not again?? I would love to understand but I don’t want to message him in case I put him in an uncomfortable situation.

[stillafool]

He messaged to be polite and gentlemanly.  He did ask you to come to the station and say goodbye but you were hungover and going away for 2 weeks. So now why are you saying you don't understand why he hasn't messaged you again?  The ball is now in your court.  Why haven't you messaged him?

[introverted1]

11 hours ago, Graciejones said:

I work with a man (51, I’m 35) for over a year,

Work with or work for?

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, Graciejones said:

he said he was thinking about me a lot on the way home etc

He was telling you he liked you and you did not tell him you liked him too. You went on saying you were leaving for 2 weeks and you refused to go say good bye when he asked. 

He thinks you don't want to pursue this.

[Graciejones]

Thank you for the replies. Really appreciate it,  I was married 10 years and never thought I’d be back dating. It’s so confusing!

I forgot to say I had messaged him back saying I was thinking of him too and had a really good night with him. I said I didn’t want to go away now as would miss him. 

[Gaeta]

12 hours ago, Graciejones said:

but I don’t want to message him in case I put him in an uncomfortable situation.

He's 51 years old, he knows how to handle uncomfortable. Text him and ask him if he'd like to grab a lunch together this weekend. You'll have your answer. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Get off your behind ask him out again! What are you afraid of?

Fear of making him uncomfortable? What?! What does that mean? Your thinking seems wildly out of touch with reality. Dating has "uncomfortable" moments. Telling someone I like them can be uncomfortable. The flip side of this is that it's exciting. 

Your entire thinking about this is off. If you want to see the guy again, tell him that! 

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

The ball is now in your court.

Exactly. You turned down his invite to see you, which is not a problem--it happens. But now it's on you to reciprocate his interest. Message him that you're back in town and would love to see him. Might he be free for lunch this weekend, or maybe a drink after work?

[Graciejones]

Thank you everyone. 
 
Dating again is honestly a minefield. I’ve found this particular man very confusing. He messaged me twice while I was away - 1 saying are you enjoying the wine and another said he liked my new pic of WhatsApp. 
When I got back to the office, he was WFH, he messaged saying nice to have you back and an hour later asked to set up a call about a work query. I said I had sorted the query and he asked to video call to double check. It was pretty flirty and as I was in the office I was very measured with what I saying, but it was 30mins long and only 10mins talking work. 
He WhatsApp’d my personal phone after and said nice to see you and also set up a bunch of meetings and said we needed to meet often for planning purposes. 

So seems quite keen but then it’s always about work and also he barely texts me etc we don’t talk every day, it’s more every 2/3 days. 

I don’t want to play games or ever guess where I stand. I also don’t want to have a serious chat about it as it’s so early and that’s no fun. I feel like if he was interested like that, I wouldn’t be guessing. 
I was in the mindset of be professional etc but sex shouldn’t happen again. It’s not serving me well, I really like him and it’s not been easy when I don’t get a lot back. 

We have an end of day meeting on Monday, and all I want is to kiss him or go back to his hotel etc and I think I’ll be very disappointed when it’s just work. 
 

Oh my days- I don’t miss these emotions with dating! I feel like a crazy woman.

[Gaeta]

21 minutes ago, Graciejones said:

and all I want is to kiss him or go back to his hotel

Text him that. What do you have to lose?.............nothing.

[Alpacalia]

I would see if he brings it up again when you're back at work. Otherwise, just take it as it was a one-night stand. He was drunk and seemed interested at the time, but it may not have been anything more than just a physical attraction. Also, remember that he is married and going through a separation, so he may be dealing with a lot of emotions and not wanting to complicate things further.

Edited October 2 by Alpacalia

[Georgia46]

I would wait to see what he did.  
 

I think if someone wants you they will chase you and if not, you’ve got your answer & you haven’t made it weird at work.  

[FredEire]

On 9/19/2024 at 11:38 PM, Graciejones said:

I work with a man (51, I’m 35) for over a year, who I’ve always liked, but knew he was married so respected that of course. Turns out he’s separated. 
We have had a lot of meetings in the past and there is always chemistry but we didn’t talk about it ever. We went on a work thing, and ended up getting drunk and slept together. It was a really good night. 
We were in the same hotel but I went back to my room after. He messaged me on the morning saying it was fun, asked me to come say goodbye to him at the station (I didn’t and said I was hungover in bed), he said he was thinking about me a lot on the way home etc. I told him I was now away for 2 weeks abroad and he seemed a bit sad. Then it went quiet. As we work together I text him 2 days later asking if we were good and he said morning, of course. We are good
I get it was all a bit quick, I’m not being delusional. It won’t be awkward at work regardless as it’s not who I am. 

All I was wondering was why he would message the day after and not again?? I would love to understand but I don’t want to message him in case I put him in an uncomfortable situation.

You didn't want to meet him, then talked about how you were going abroad. The message that sent him I'd strongly reckon is "I'm not open to anything except this being a one night stand". So he backed off.

[SEASON_WINTER]

if you are still interested in him, maybe give it a shot......ask hm if he wish to grab some coffee together. The answer will surface and you will be happier regardless of the outcome.

At least you can move on.

 

 

[Goodguy05]

On 9/20/2024 at 12:38 PM, Graciejones said:

I work with a man (51, I’m 35) for over a year, who I’ve always liked, but knew he was married so respected that of course. Turns out he’s separated. 
We have had a lot of meetings in the past and there is always chemistry but we didn’t talk about it ever. We went on a work thing, and ended up getting drunk and slept together. It was a really good night. 
We were in the same hotel but I went back to my room after. He messaged me on the morning saying it was fun, asked me to come say goodbye to him at the station (I didn’t and said I was hungover in bed), he said he was thinking about me a lot on the way home etc. I told him I was now away for 2 weeks abroad and he seemed a bit sad. Then it went quiet. As we work together I text him 2 days later asking if we were good and he said morning, of course. We are good
I get it was all a bit quick, I’m not being delusional. It won’t be awkward at work regardless as it’s not who I am. 

All I was wondering was why he would message the day after and not again?? I would love to understand but I don’t want to message him in case I put him in an uncomfortable situation.

Why - because you gave out mixed signals. 

Edited October 3 by Goodguy05

[Leihla_B]

On 9/20/2024 at 1:57 PM, Leihla_B said:

Exactly. You turned down his invite to see you, which is not a problem--it happens. But now it's on you to reciprocate his interest. Message him that you're back in town and would love to see him. Might he be free for lunch this weekend, or maybe a drink after work?

I repeat the above. Sounds like he's following your lead. If you're taking his meetings at the office surrounded by colleagues, then your meetings will remain focused on work. Can you work any days from home?

You turned down his last attempt to see you, so why not just message him an invite to grab a drink with you after work? 

[Graciejones]

Thank you everyone, really appreciate your opinions. 

i’m going to see how this Monday meeting goes as it’s just us (meant to be in person) and go from there. 

I’ve just found it a bit difficult as he’s the first guy I’ve really really liked and clicked with since my ex and I don’t want to ruin anything a at work regardless. It’s taking all my might to play the cool girl which I’m really not 😅 my overthink is wild. 

[Alpacalia]

Call me old fashioned but asking you to say goodbye at the train station and not trying to take you out on a proper date following sleeping together is a bit of a marking of a fling. Sleeping together on a work trip is just that - a fling or a ONS.  His follow up messages were nice etc., but still might seem disconnected without a real proper date. At this point, the lines between work and pleasure are blurred. 

Watch his real life actions and dates.