Finding the right match for me

[Leihla_B]

12 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course you aren’t supposed to judge that. You’re supposed to stop dating those weird men. This has absolutely nothing to do with judging them.

Yep. I think some confusion comes from the word judgment having different meanings. You can use it to criticize, or you can use it to apply discretion.

The problem comes when you lack the discretion (or 'good' judgment) to walk away from people who don't make reasonable matches for you, only to turn critical of them (or 'mean' judgment) when they don't perform to your fantasy.

You'd have nothing to criticize about anyone if you'd walk away from situations that aren't working. You wouldn't believe that they failed you, because you wouldn't have stuck around for them to do so. Instead, you put them down as an attempt to build yourself up, and that comes off horribly to anyone listening.

You're not a victim. You just position yourself badly with people, and then you blame them for not living up to your fantasies about how they 'should' have behaved.

Edited September 21 by Leihla_B

[LaurenE]

58 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Yep. I think some confusion comes from the word judgment having different meanings. You can use it to criticize, or you can use it to apply discretion.

The problem comes when you lack the discretion (or 'good' judgment) to walk away from people who don't make reasonable matches for you, only to turn critical of them (or 'mean' judgment) when they don't perform to your fantasy.

You'd have nothing to criticize about anyone if you'd walk away from situations that aren't working. You wouldn't believe that they failed you, because you wouldn't have stuck around for them to do so. Instead, you put them down as an attempt to build yourself up, and that comes off horribly to anyone listening.

You're not a victim. You just position yourself badly with people, and then you blame them for not living up to your fantasies about how they 'should' have behaved.

I agree with this. I don't want to be mean or harshly criticize others. I think it's my protective blanket for myself. I jump to it when I feel vulnerable.  Honestly, I am an extremely smart person, but when it comes to relationships and interpersonal relationships, I struggle. I don't know if it's my ADHD, but half the time I can't tell that it's time to walk away. I feel blind. Then after the relationship is over I feel free, happy even, and I see all along that it wasn't right for me. But when I am in it, I'm too giving, too accepting, too enthralled, trying to give it a chance. It's because I know I'm not perfect, that I do settle for guys who aren't right for me or good for me. When I'm in it, I feel like I am trying to be open and accepting to a different person, because I wouldn't want them to not accept me and all my flaws. I fear judgement myself. 

[Gaeta]

45 minutes ago, LaurenE said:

But when I am in it, I'm too giving, too accepting, too enthralled, trying to give it a chance

Follow this:  do not give 'a chance' in early dating. You see something that is a deal breaker then respect yourself and your own rules and walk away.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, LaurenE said:

I agree with this. I don't want to be mean or harshly criticize others. I think it's my protective blanket for myself. I jump to it when I feel vulnerable.  Honestly, I am an extremely smart person, but when it comes to relationships and interpersonal relationships, I struggle. I don't know if it's my ADHD, but half the time I can't tell that it's time to walk away. I feel blind. Then after the relationship is over I feel free, happy even, and I see all along that it wasn't right for me. But when I am in it, I'm too giving, too accepting, too enthralled, trying to give it a chance. It's because I know I'm not perfect, that I do settle for guys who aren't right for me or good for me. When I'm in it, I feel like I am trying to be open and accepting to a different person, because I wouldn't want them to not accept me and all my flaws. I fear judgement myself. 

This is a great piece of insight, and it's exactly the reason why you keep ending up in this situation.   Something else to remember is that people are always starting out with their best foot forward, so you've got to be alert to hints as to what's going on behind the scenes.  

Some of what I'd see as warning signs (perhaps other members can chime in)

Look at how they treat strangers - if they are rude, impatient or aggressive to service staff or other drivers, they will probably be rude to you

Chronic lateness - at best they are disorganised and at worst, they are selfish

Work ethic - avoid someone who is under employed or works so many hours that they aren't available

Money - do their spending habits align with yours

Flakey - if they cancel seeing you without a damn good reason

Makes an effort - do they reach out in a timely basis to stay in contact?  Are they reliable with being available for dates?   Do they give you prime date nights?

Exes - if exes are raised, do they have a good dating history?  Sure, everyone is allowed a terrible ex or two, but look for someone who generally has made good choices in partners (Yes, I realise that this one just put you on the red flag list and I'm really sorry that I had to write it....but it really is a thing)

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

This looker from afar guy is just that - a looker from afar. He likely doesn't have what it takes to date a woman like you and so settles for this "romantically-adjacent" friendship. For whatever reason, the role of orbiter is all he can handle, so he delegates himself TO that role.

FWIW I think the core of your overall problem may be the "all the good ones are taken" situation. There's nothing at all wrong with recognizing that you are a "quality woman" and wanting a "quality man" to match IF that's actually the case. However, men can be "quality" on a variety of parameters. Plenty of attractive people date but (for whatever reasons) DON'T want to maintain a LTR. The ones who do will fairly quickly get into one and, if they're the type to stay - stay in one.

That leaves you with whatever's left over. Men who are superficially attractive and seem like quality but either aren't in it for the long term or have other issues that prevent them from being good for LTRs.

I think that's the core of your (and in fact many people's) dilemma. What you'll need to do is keep searching for an ACTUAL quality guy who's also actually compatible with you long-term, AND actually interested in a LTR. From what I understand, "you'll have to kiss a lot of frogs" as they say, particularly with online dating.

Along with your self-awareness above and @basil67 great response, I think trying to apply @Gaeta's advice might serve you well WRT to avoiding some of the "frogs" so you can focus where the odds are a bit better. I still think it will be a journey, BUT I also think you still have a shot at making it. Look for guys who are clear they're interested in a LTR AND are attractive. They might be lying or might change their minds, but at least you will be fishing in the right river, even if you might take a while to catch the right fish.

Edited September 21 by mark clemson

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Plenty of attractive people date but (for whatever reasons) DON'T want to maintain a LTR. The ones who do will fairly quickly get into one and, if they're the type to stay - stay in one.

Yes!   Another for the list.   Avoid people who 'aren't ready' or 'taking it slow'.    

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes!   Another for the list.   Avoid people who 'aren't ready' or 'taking it slow'.    

That was my pet peeve when l was dating: l'm not in a hurry - l'm not ready - let's go with the flow - let's be friends first....

[Gebidozo]

 

2 hours ago, LaurenE said:

It's because I know I'm not perfect, that I do settle for guys who aren't right for me or good for me. When I'm in it, I feel like I am trying to be open and accepting to a different person, because I wouldn't want them to not accept me and all my flaws. I fear judgement myself. 

Exactly. Now you understand that your problems stem from this wrong view of how relationships work. Not accepting someone as a romantic partner isn’t judgment or lack of openness. It’s a matter of personal attraction, chemistry, and compatibility. Staying with a person you aren’t attracted to because you want to be open and accepting and fear judgment yourself is a sure recipe for disaster.

 

Edited September 21 by Gebidozo

[LaurenE]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

This is a great piece of insight, and it's exactly the reason why you keep ending up in this situation.   Something else to remember is that people are always starting out with their best foot forward, so you've got to be alert to hints as to what's going on behind the scenes.  

Some of what I'd see as warning signs (perhaps other members can chime in)

Look at how they treat strangers - if they are rude, impatient or aggressive to service staff or other drivers, they will probably be rude to you

Chronic lateness - at best they are disorganised and at worst, they are selfish

Work ethic - avoid someone who is under employed or works so many hours that they aren't available

Money - do their spending habits align with yours

Flakey - if they cancel seeing you without a damn good reason

Makes an effort - do they reach out in a timely basis to stay in contact?  Are they reliable with being available for dates?   Do they give you prime date nights?

Exes - if exes are raised, do they have a good dating history?  Sure, everyone is allowed a terrible ex or two, but look for someone who generally has made good choices in partners (Yes, I realise that this one just put you on the red flag list and I'm really sorry that I had to write it....but it really is a thing)

 

 

 

This is great advice and so spot on to what I'm going through.  My last ex always had car trouble, issues with time, and money. He was 30 and constantly had his parents bailing him out of money problems. He never planned ahead and was always a step behind on everything in his life. And as another poster mentioned he always wanted to "take it slow."

 

I was trying to give him grace, but the signs were all there. I was ignoring clear signs. 

[basil67]

Just now, LaurenE said:

This is great advice and so spot on to what I'm going through.  My last ex always had car trouble, issues with time, and money. He was 30 and constantly had his parents bailing him out of money problems. He never planned ahead and was always a step behind on everything in his life. And as another poster mentioned he always wanted to "take it slow."

 

I was trying to give him grace, but the signs were all there. I was ignoring clear signs. 

Have you thought about writing here to ask advice on new guys while you're learning to trust your instincts?

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, LaurenE said:

...I don't want to be mean or harshly criticize others. I think it's my protective blanket for myself. I jump to it when I feel vulnerable. 

Yes, it's a cycle. You counter hurt or disappointment by ripping into the flaws of others to rationalize why you must view yourself as superior to them, anyway. It's a destructive way of licking your wounds.

Quote

Honestly, I am an extremely smart person, but when it comes to relationships and interpersonal relationships, I struggle. I don't know if it's my ADHD, but half the time I can't tell that it's time to walk away. I feel blind.

But you are not blind, you're feigning haplessness. You certainly do notice when one of your deal-breakers is splayed in your face. But you so fear a dearth of opportunity that you're willing to tolerate anything from anyone who will participate with you.

This not only brings continually bad experiences, it breaks your confidence for getting back out there to find others to meet.

Quote

Then after the relationship is over I feel free, happy even, and I see all along that it wasn't right for me.

But you DO see the inevitability of these endings long before they occur. 

Quote

But when I am in it, I'm too giving, too accepting, too enthralled, trying to give it a chance. It's because I know I'm not perfect, that I do settle for guys who aren't right for me or good for me.

What do you believe is so imperfect about you that creates this urgency to settle?

Quote

When I'm in it, I feel like I am trying to be open and accepting to a different person, because I wouldn't want them to not accept me and all my flaws. I fear judgement myself. 

What difference does judgment make from anyone who isn't even a reasonably good match for you?

If you'd only apply the discretion of your standards to screen OUT who and what you do NOT want from a relationship, you wouldn't believe you're at the mercy of mistreatment, disresepct or judgment from anyone--because you'd have already walked away to go meet other people.

Do you see the loop? It's what sabotages your confidence, which scares you into settling for less, which sabotages your confidence even more, which scares you into settling for less... This is how you've been wasting your time. Fear-driven dating that prompts you to settle for bad experiences instead of building your own confidence to walk away to pursue better ones.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, LaurenE said:

My last ex always had car trouble, issues with time, and money. He was 30 and constantly had his parents bailing him out of money problems. He never planned ahead and was always a step behind on everything in his life.

You have a pattern of launching threads that become very long and then getting them deleted - 

This boyfriend, you posted dozens of pages going into great detail about his many many faults and how often he let you down and disappointed you i every way imaginable.

You laid it all out for hundreds of people to weigh in on.

Of course, all the responses were completely predictable:  Why are you wasting your time with this guy?

Yet you went on.  And on. And on. Sharing about every sad step along the way until finally he broke up with you.

You cannot claim that you were "blind" to his shortcomings.  You never stopped sharing about them.

I don't understand why, or how you can do this. You KNOW something is not working and it's bad for you - yet you just keep going, and keep bitterly complaining.

WHY?

[happyhorizons]

Keep putting yourself out there (dating/meeting new guys) and should eventually some men that meet the criteria that you have for an ideal partner 😁😄😃

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

I don't understand why, or how you can do this. You KNOW something is not working and it's bad for you - yet you just keep going, and keep bitterly complaining.

Usually people with low self esteem will do that. And you know what else? People with low self esteem will also say outloud how wonderful and smart they are. It's more to convince themselves than others.

[FredEire]

What comes across most in this thread is a sense of dehumanisation, of the guys you're dating, this Paul character, and yourself.

Of course, everyone wants to date someone with their s*** together, and sometimes people have dating preferences i.e smoking. It's perfectly fine and sensible to say you find smoking disgusting and wouldn't date a smoker, what's less so is regarding people who have bad habits as low-down scum who don't deserve to be in your presence.

It seems to me you see love as a box-ticking exercise, and paint yourself in a very flattering light that others may not share. I think things may start improving for you if you embrace the humanity of yourself and those around you and stop putting them into buckets. There's no objectively worthy or unworthy people rather we're all a varied mix of flawed humanity.

[FredEire]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Usually people with low self esteem will do that. And you know what else? People with low self esteem will also say outloud how wonderful and smart they are. It's more to convince themselves than others.

Indeed, I've never met someone who listed out all their virtues to me who really believed it, or was all that likeable as a person.

If someone is really kind, honest, generous, intelligent etc. they just show it through action, they don't have to spell it out for everyone, unless of course there's some doubt that they actually possess these qualities.

[Calmandfocused]

Op. You’re emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people struggle finding building and maintaining attachments to emotionally healthy partners. 

You’re emotionally  unavailable because you’re “waiting” for Paul. Waiting for him to get his life together so you can live your happy ever after. 
 

The trouble is that day will never come. Why? Because he doesn’t sound the type of person who will ever get his life together. Look at his track record and be honest with yourself. Not going to happen is it? 

You need to stop hoping and pining for Paul and finally accept that it will never be. Only then will you be able to move on and find someone who fits what you want. 
 

Let Paul go.. and create some distance with his mother who by affect is fuelling this false hope,  

[Georgia46]

I read it differently.   I think that in order to move on from this completely you need to ask Paul if there’s ever going to be any hope with you two & what’s the worst that can happen… he says no.  You have your final answer and you can finally move on.

 

he might not ….

[Alpacalia]

Paul isn't available. Whether it is low interest or he truly feels he can't provide.

Especially if you've mentioned to him your past dating experiences and that you want someone who can provide for you and be stable, he may be taking that to heart and not wanting to disrespect you by dating you when he knows he can't currently provide those things.

Also, he may just not be that into you, and he hasn't met anyone else that has sparked his interest yet. But that doesn't mean he won't in the future. You mentioned he hasn't actively tried to date anyone else, so that could be a sign that he's just not ready to date in general, let alone you specifically.