Allison feeney Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 Hi all, really need some advice. I have to say firstly no infidelity has been committed but it doesn’t make me feel any less terrible about the situation. I am a woman of 38, one year married. I have a HUGE crush on my physiotherapist who I have been attending for around 6 months now. He is 25. The thing is I am happy with my husband and love him, and of course i know crushes are normal and it is perfectly normal for human beings to notice other people even when they are in a relationship- and I have had a fleeting fancy for a few guys on and off since we have been together , but nothing I have or would ever act upon, just admiring from afar and then it has passed. But nothing like this . i honestly don’t know how I have let myself feel this way and I feel like a terrible person fancying a guy so much younger then me and when I am married . But there is something about him that makes me weak at the knees. Over the past 2-3 months I can’t eat work properly or sleep for thinking about him and I think about him constantly imagining what it would be like to be with him. I have to say that I would never dream of acting on this and keep telling myself it will pass but it is driving me absolutely crazy. I am a nearly 40 year old woman and I feel like a giddy school girl. I mean I hardly know this guy. I am finding it hard to attend appointments with him. Although I do manage to hide how I feel and act totally normal and would never ever disclose my feelings as there are too many things at stake including my marraige and his career - I feel very nervous when I see him. He is very polite and kind and acts shy with me at times but neither of us have ever done or said anything inappropriate and he has never given me any inclination that he likes me too. like I say I know this is just a mad crush and it will pass at some point but I am so consumed with it just now. I thought maybe I should stop going to my appointments but I really need to go as I am in pain without. I took a few weeks away from them recently thinking I just needed to not see him for a while and I would get over it but so far Im still going through it! any advice on how to get over these insane feelings is much appreciated. Please don’t judge me too harshly , I know how I feel is totally wrong thanks for reading Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 How are things in your marriage? Do you spend sufficient quality time together? How's your intimacy? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allison feeney Posted September 17 Author Share Posted September 17 Generally things are really good in my marraige. We get on well , Sometimes I feel I would like more romance again as there isn’t really much of that but intimacy is good, maybe not as often as I would like but my husband is 5 years older than me and I am trying to initiate intimacy more over the past few weeks and hoping there will be more going forward . We do spend time together doing different things too Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 1 hour ago, Allison feeney said: I am finding it hard to attend appointments with him. 1 hour ago, Allison feeney said: any advice on how to get over these insane feelings is much appreciated. Find a new physiotherapist. 1 hour ago, Allison feeney said: Over the past 2-3 months I can’t eat work properly or sleep for thinking about him and I think about him constantly This tells you that this is not just a simple crush - this is a serious problem. You need to put some distance between you and find a new physiotherapist. Or, do your home exercises - physiotherapy is not meant to be a lifelong, standing appointment… 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 When one finds themselves in these situations, it's best you remove yourself from further contact if possible. Put double the effort into your current relationship if you can. Push the fantasy that you are experiencing as far away as possible from your reality. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 You need to change doctors and not be around him anymore. That is the only way to kill the crush and even then, it will take time. You'll never get over him by being in his presence. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allison feeney Posted September 17 Author Share Posted September 17 Thanks for the advice so far. I keep wondering if I am making the guy feel awkward like he might realise that I like him, although I think I have managed to hide it so far despite how awkward I feel around him. It’s not very fair to him I guess. I am trying my best to get over it but in a way, it does hurt Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allison feeney Posted September 17 Author Share Posted September 17 Also I feel kind of bad to just cancel appointments and never return but I guess there may not be any other way Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 30 minutes ago, Allison feeney said: Also I feel kind of bad to just cancel appointments and never return but I guess there may not be any other way Yes, just cancel with receptionist and tell her you'll call back when you're ready to reschedule. That is all you have to do. Then you can began to get over him. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 (edited) When we are married we have a responsibility to not put ourselves in these situations that could put the marriage in danger. You need to remove this therapist from your life. This crush did not appear out of thin air. You've experienced this because something is missing in your marriage. You need more romance and more intimacy, talk about this to your husband. Make it a part of your routine to have date nights and weekends away. Edited September 17 by Gaeta 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 (edited) 3 hours ago, Allison feeney said: Thanks for the advice so far. I keep wondering if I am making the guy feel awkward like he might realise that I like him, although I think I have managed to hide it so far despite how awkward I feel around him. It’s not very fair to him I guess. I am trying my best to get over it but in a way, it does hurt Any professional, whether a psychological therapist or one who handles physical bodies, is accustomed to this thing called 'transference.' It's a pretty typical occurrence where over time a patient transfers their emotional or sexual focus onto them. Most professionals can easily overlook it, or they may not even notice, but they are also trained how to address it if a patient crosses a line. The difference is that psychological therapists are also trained to work with such a patient in order to capitalize on the vulnerability while helping the patient to process the stuff it brings up. It can often lead to a breakthrough if managed properly. However, this doesn't mean you've necessarily been obvious, so no need for embarrassment.One idea is to raise with both your doctor and your husband the suggestion of reducing travel to this office if doc can give you a schedule of your treatmwent plan to work with you husband. From there, the only in-office visits you may need would be the scheduled testing to measure your healing progress, which can often be performed by an assistant. This would remove you from contact with the doc even while it can help you transfer such a focus back onto your husband. An additional option might be to seek a psychological therapist to help you manage the emotional pain of this event. If your employer has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) or something similar, you may have coverage for 3 free sessions to manage what they call a 'life event,' which would be confidential and not require any reporting to your employer. In addition to the sessions, the therapist would offer you some homework tips and tools to work between sessions. Head high, this is not a freaky kind of thing. Edited September 17 by Leihla_B 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 17 Share Posted September 17 (edited) 7 hours ago, Allison feeney said: Also I feel kind of bad to just cancel appointments and never return but I guess there may not be any other way Trust me, he has other people waiting to see him. He won’t miss you - in this kind of job, people come and people go… Edited September 17 by BaileyB 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 12 hours ago, Allison feeney said: Thanks for the advice so far. I keep wondering if I am making the guy feel awkward like he might realise that I like him, although I think I have managed to hide it so far despite how awkward I feel around him. It’s not very fair to him I guess. I am trying my best to get over it but in a way, it does hurt Why does it matter if you might be making him feel awkward? You need to take care of yourself and the advice would be the same for anyone in your situation: obviously, find another physiotherapist. No question. That is, unless you have some intention of acting on your feelings. In that case, carry on as you are. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 17 hours ago, Allison feeney said: intimacy is good, maybe not as often as I would like but my husband is 5 years older than me 5 years isn't an age gap that should be affecting sexual intimacy. If he were much older than you, then maybe I could see why it's tapered off, but 5 years doesn't mean anything that way. 19 hours ago, Allison feeney said: Over the past 2-3 months I can’t eat work properly or sleep for thinking about him and I think about him constantly imagining what it would be like to be with him. And yes, I agree with the poster who said this isn't a simple crush. This is actually affecting your real life and it's very concerning. 13 hours ago, Gaeta said: You've experienced this because something is missing in your marriage. And I agree with this, too, which is why I asked about your marriage, OP. You might get along well with your husband but something is obviously lacking in your marriage. And you've already identified what is missing: romance and better or more frequent sex. Those things can (and should) be addressed together. In the meantime? I would find a different physiotherapist. It's not wise to keep going to him because it will keep fueling your escapist fantasy and prevent you from real dealing with the underlying problems that led you here. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jasonblackheart01 Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 Your right, you have the right to feel guilty. Instead of focusing your marriage, your focusing on someone much younger male. I feel sorry for your husband for you are cheating on him in your mind instead of trying to fix your marriage. To fix that, all you need to do is...forget the young man, cut him off your life, find a new physiotherapist prefer it to be female or old male. Its really simple really, it just all really depends how strong is your so called conviction is. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allison feeney Posted September 18 Author Share Posted September 18 it took such a long time to get to see this therapist and start getting the correct treatment which has helped me massively so I have been going back out of need rather than want. I have been trying to put everything to the back of my mind so that I can continue the treatment and not start from scratch or wait ages again to see another therapist. That’s the reason why I have kept going to him , it’s not that I go especially to see him, I thought the feelings would be brief which is why I tried to ignore them so it isn’t like I have been purposely trying to sabotage my marraige or anything but I can see now that these feelings are not helping with anything Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jasonblackheart01 Posted September 18 Share Posted September 18 7 minutes ago, Allison feeney said: it took such a long time to get to see this therapist and start getting the correct treatment which has helped me massively so I have been going back out of need rather than want. I have been trying to put everything to the back of my mind so that I can continue the treatment and not start from scratch or wait ages again to see another therapist. That’s the reason why I have kept going to him , it’s not that I go especially to see him, I thought the feelings would be brief which is why I tried to ignore them so it isn’t like I have been purposely trying to sabotage my marraige or anything but I can see now that these feelings are not helping with anything Maybe you can bring you husband together during therapy session. This aslo can be an effective way to curve your crush and to bond with your husband. Two birds in one stone. 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allison feeney Posted Monday at 01:04 AM Author Share Posted Monday at 01:04 AM Have cancelled all upcoming appointments with him , still can’t get him off my mind but hopefully things now start to get better and the feeling will fade … 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted Monday at 01:59 AM Share Posted Monday at 01:59 AM 53 minutes ago, Allison feeney said: Have cancelled all upcoming appointments with him , still can’t get him off my mind but hopefully things now start to get better and the feeling will fade … Thanks for the update. How are you handling your recovery? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allison feeney Posted Tuesday at 08:02 PM Author Share Posted Tuesday at 08:02 PM On 9/30/2024 at 2:59 AM, Leihla_B said: Thanks for the update. How are you handling your recovery? Struggling to stop thinking about him, but hoping that not seeing him again will make things easier over time 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted Tuesday at 08:15 PM Share Posted Tuesday at 08:15 PM 12 minutes ago, Allison feeney said: Struggling to stop thinking about him, but hoping that not seeing him again will make things easier over time Hopefully, out of sight will lead to out of mind for you. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted Tuesday at 09:24 PM Share Posted Tuesday at 09:24 PM (edited) 1 hour ago, Allison feeney said: Struggling to stop thinking about him, but hoping that not seeing him again will make things easier over time Just give it time. It really isn't that uncommon for people to develop crushes on individuals that they are leaning on to help them get through something tough. It's also quite common to develop a crush at some point for someone other than your spouse. If you feel though that those feelings developed over something that you feel is missing from your marriage then that is something you need to figure out with your spouse because if you aren't satisfied with your husband it is likely something that will happen again. And don't feel terrible for developing feelings for someone younger. It's not like he is 17 or 18 or anything. Trust me there are women a lot older than you who take men his age home with them. When I was around his age I was involved with a lady in her 50's. Edited Tuesday at 09:28 PM by Sony12 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.