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Defensive over his ex


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Been seeing a man for around a year after we met on PoF. Started off well, but his ex (who was violent towards him, and spent a night in county for it) crossed some boundaries. Like traveling a few hours hours with no way to get home, turning up at his place and begging for him back, then asking to sleep together when he said he was exclusive with someone else. She then turned up a few days later asking to stay in his (tiny, tiny) apartment for a few days (he paid for her travel home).

Since then, she's popped up on my social media, suggesting she's looked me up - when I told him, he got angry that I am obsessed with her, and need to shut it down.

This seems weird to me. How am I obsessed when she's the one with a history of violence looking me up?

I feel like he had an unhealthy attachment to her, and I'm thinking it might not be possible to continue the relationship. He's been dishonest about the contact he's had with her while we've been together (though I have no concern he wants to be with her).

I need advice please!

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Also, to add, he seems obsessed with the idea that I am cheating on him. If I am sick and cancel plans, his first question is "have you arranged a date with someone else."

I haven't been with anyone else since we got together, and have no interest in anyone else.

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34 minutes ago, dnd_girl said:

he got angry that I am obsessed with her, and need to shut it down.

Have you been obsessed over her?

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3 minutes ago, dnd_girl said:

his first question is "have you arranged a date with someone else."

What's the tone when he says that?

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6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Have you been obsessed over her?

I have certainly been concerned that her turning up the first time wouldn't be the end of it (it wasn't, she turned up again). Then he said they were no longer speaking, but I found out they were - I just asked, I wasn't snooping. I was less bothered about her, and more bothered about the lie.

I saw that she'd looked at a public profile of mine, and told him. 

So, I don't know - I guess you could make an argument that I was 'obsessed', as the lie about their contact really affected my trust. But I struggle to see how her looking me up is me obsessing over her.

In the past, I have looked at partner's exes, and it's never made me feel good, so it's something I avoided doing with her. I don't bring her up in conversation, or talk about her. So, I would say it's more the lie over the contact rather than her as a person that was an issue for me.

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58 minutes ago, dnd_girl said:

she's popped up on my social media, suggesting she's looked me up

Are you positive that she's looked you up?  It's just that I frequently get suggested contacts which are 2 or 3 times removed from people who I actually know turning up on my social media as suggested connections and I'm 100% sure they've never looked me up.   

It's likely just the algorithms suggesting more distant connections. 

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ExpatInItaly
15 minutes ago, dnd_girl said:

as the lie about their contact really affected my trust.

I wouldn't bother continuing the relationship, then. 

It sounds like it's become too stressful and neither of you really trusts the other, what with his vieled accustations of cheating. 

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4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Are you positive that she's looked you up?  It's just that I frequently get suggested contacts which are 2 or 3 times removed from people who I actually know turning up on my social media as suggested connections and I'm 100% sure they've never looked me up.   

It's likely just the algorithms suggesting more distant connections. 

This is possible, but we have no mutuals or even second or third links - weird!

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3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't bother continuing the relationship, then. 

It sounds like it's become too stressful and neither of you really trusts the other, what with his vieled accustations of cheating. 

This is unfortunately a good point.

I guess I just don't understand WHY he accuses me of cheating. He's suggested threesomes (with guys if I want) and I'm not interested.I'm a real one-person woman - I only find one person at a time attractive. So I'm wondering what I'm doing to make him suspicious.

Honestly, it's made me suspicious of him, as I know he's into looking up thirst traps and has been dishonest about going to a strip club before.

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1 minute ago, dnd_girl said:

This is possible, but we have no mutuals or even second or third links - weird!

At the very least, she's an ex-contact of your partner, so there's one thing the algorithm could pick up on.  And yes, I also get a heap of total randoms suggested to me.

I noticed that you also said "I saw that she'd looked at a public profile of mine".   When did you see this?  Was it a different time?

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ExpatInItaly
1 minute ago, dnd_girl said:

So I'm wondering what I'm doing to make him suspicious.

You aren't necessarily doing anything. 

Some people are paranoid. Others are projecting. These baseless accusations often have nothing to do with the accused, and much more to do with the accuser. 

2 minutes ago, dnd_girl said:

I know he's into looking up thirst traps and has been dishonest about going to a strip club before

Again, then you already know he's not a very transparent man. I would the madness and find a man I can trust, and one who respects me enough to know I'm not the sort of woman who cheats. 

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3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You aren't necessarily doing anything. 

Some people are paranoid. Others are projecting. These baseless accusations often have nothing to do with the accused, and much more to do with the accuser. 

Again, then you already know he's not a very transparent man. I would the madness and find a man I can trust, and one who respects me enough to know I'm not the sort of woman who cheats. 

You're right and it's so hard, because I'm not a very strong person, and I don't think I can bear entering the dating scene again.

But then it hurts too to always have this doubt.

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16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

At the very least, she's an ex-contact of your partner, so there's one thing the algorithm could pick up on.  And yes, I also get a heap of total randoms suggested to me.

I noticed that you also said "I saw that she'd looked at a public profile of mine".   When did you see this?  Was it a different time?

My partner and I aren't connected on any socials. We were briefly, at which point I received some weird, quite threatening messages from a fake account. Then he shut his social account down. He in on another platform but we're not connected.

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Crazy ex - reason one to walk away.

Lying and untrustworthy boyfriend - reason two to walk away.

Boyfriend who accuses me of cheating and does not trust me - reason three to walk away…

I don’t like drama in my relationships, this would not be the relationship for me. 

 

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1 hour ago, dnd_girl said:

.I'm a real one-person woman

Then don't date men like him. Often people accusing others of cheating based on nothing are themselves cheaters. 

When we're a woman capable of giving deep, invested, loyal love we have to be careful to whom we give it to. The man has to be deserving of that type of love. 

As for breaking up with him and going back to dating - as long as you keep him in your life you will not be loved the way you deserve.

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Lotsgoingon

I guess I just don't understand WHY he accuses me of cheating.

This is TERRIBLE and ridiculous question to ask. Almost like asking, "why did he slap me?" or "why did he assault me?"

You don't care WHY he accused you of cheating because the answer is, he's the kind of person who casually accuses people he should trust of cheating. That's his character. 

That's a major red flag. You don't need to figure out the origins of the red flag. The origins are never steeped in logic. He's got a personality that is not trusting and is aggressively distrusting. You don't want to ever prove yourself to a lover. You be your good self and let the lover conclude that you are worthy and trustworthy. You don't try to persuade the lover that you are worthy and trustworthy. If you do, you will end up doing that every day of your life with this person.

BTW: his ex being violent--that itself is at least a yellow flag. Why did he stay with this violent person? What's up with his judgment and toleration of violence? Do not assume that the ex's violence means he has lost all attraction to the ex. People can hate the violence and still want to be with the person (normalizing the violence through unjustified hoping) at the same time. 

 

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4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Crazy ex - reason one to walk away.

Lying and untrustworthy boyfriend - reason two to walk away.

Boyfriend who accuses me of cheating and does not trust me - reason three to walk away…

I don’t like drama in my relationships, this would not be the relationship for me. 

Check, check and check. Same for me, although I'd have added the question about pursuing a three-some. Either he was testing me or he really wants this--either answer would be a dealbreaking 'ick' for me.

OP, you don't need to rush straight into dating again if that's not something you're ready for, but you can quickly put an end to this torture. It doesn't even sound as though either of you LIKE one another, much less trust one another. So what's left as a reason to put up with all of these down sides? Head high, and choose better. You will thank yourself.

Edited by Leihla_B
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It's only been a year, I'd cut this one loose. He sounds like a sleaze, and all the ex-wife garbage should be enough to turn you fully off. Anyone with a needy ex hovering in the background is on the Do Not Date list. 

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5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

It's only been a year, I'd cut this one loose. He sounds like a sleaze, and all the ex-wife garbage should be enough to turn you fully off. Anyone with a needy ex hovering in the background is on the Do Not Date list. 

Yep. It's bad enough that he engages an unstable ex, but add his dismissive attitude toward your concerns? That's beyond red flags and straight into the territory of a neon sign with a skull and crossbones flashing right at you.

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On 9/9/2024 at 11:06 AM, dnd_girl said:

I feel like he had an unhealthy attachment to her

Based on what you said, he has an unhealthy attachment to her.

If the genders were reversed and you did the same, that means that you're not that into your bf right? Think of it that way.

IDK maybe she's good in bed. Either way it seems for your own mental sake that you leave them to it.

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