We're having less sex, and she's upset.

[Cactus Harlow]

My partner of two years has g3nital herp3s that was diagnosed in the last 3 months. We have an open relationship, so we both knew this type of things was possible. When she asked if I wanted to break up, I said, no it's not a dealbreaker. We moved on, at least I thought. When she needed help moving out of her apartment after her roommate trashed the place, I helped. Helped her shop for apartments. Took care of her when she was sick. When she plays concerts with her band, I'm always there to support. 

But lately it seems not to be enough. She has a really high libido and she's upset that we're not having sex as much as we used to, and she's obsessed with the idea that I view her as cute but not sexy. She keeps repeating that. She keeps saying, "I feel like you view me as cute but not sexy. Like a puppy dog." It's very important to her self esteem to feel sexy and that people view her as sexy. That's part of the reason why she posts boudoir images on social media, it makes her feel good about herself when people comment on her pictures and talk about how sexy she is. Even though, as she acknowledges, they are just strangers on the internet. "I know I shouldn't seek approval from strangers online, but it makes me feel validated." 

I don't feel like our sex frequency has come down drastically -- I feel like she just wants it more. But what I've read is that it's normal for couples to have less sex over time? She has also reported that she was always the high energy partner in previous relationships. 

I feel like there is more going on here than how often we have sex. I know she has been really struggling with feeling unsexy and rejected by people in general over her genital condition, and I wonder if that anxiety and her feeling of stigma is transferring over to me and projected onto me. I don't even know how to talk about this without sounding like I'm gaslighting her. I have encouraged her to seek a therapist to teach her some coping mechanism for the diagnosis. 

I ask her what's she wants me to do, and she just says "I don't know. I want this to work, but I don't want you to feel forced."

What can be done? Is there something I'm missing?

Edited September 8 by Cactus Harlow

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Cactus Harlow said:

 We have an open relationship, so we both knew this type of things was possible.

I don't get it.  An open relationship where people have unprotected sex with multiple partners who are also having sex with others?  You're both signing up for a lot more than herpes - and a lot worse.

The rest of your post really is all over the map.  She seems troubled and you seem not to understand her. And her "genital condition" is not necessarily every person's business.  I mean, open relationship or not, she's not having sex with everyone you both know.  Or is she? 

 

[Cactus Harlow]

18 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't get it.  An open relationship where people have unprotected sex with multiple partners who are also having sex with others?  You're both signing up for a lot more than herpes - and a lot worse.

 

This post isn't about safe sex, mom. But you can contract this virus even with condoms. 

Quote

The rest of your post really is all over the map.  She seems troubled and you seem not to understand her. And her "genital condition" is not necessarily every person's business. 

She discloses to her other partners and gets rejected. Not much one can do about that except stop seeking casual sex. But yes that's one takeaway, she is troubled, problems with her mental health. 

Edited September 8 by Cactus Harlow

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Cactus Harlow said:

But yes that's one takeaway, she is troubled, problems with her mental health. 

Is she seeking any help for this? Or does she just look to men to validate her? 

It sounds like she's got poor self-esteem in general if she uses sexy social media posts as a crutch to make her feel good. That was always going to have a shelf life. And now that she has a health conditiion, it's getting worse since fewer people want to have sex with her now. 

2 hours ago, Cactus Harlow said:

This post isn't about safe sex, mom.

That's not a "mom" comment. It's plain common sense. Is she not using condoms? 

[basil67]

I agree she needs therapy.  Not only for dealing with her diagnosis, but also because she can only sees persona value in her sexuality.  

And yes, sex drives can lower over time.  She also needs strategies to get around understanding this, and not taking it personally.   All that said, you don't have to stay with someone who's giving you a hard time about not matching her sex drive.  It's 100% OK to use the breakup line "you've made it clear that I'm not meeting your needs, so I think it's best if we go our separate ways"

[Gaeta]

It sounds like she has issues that need professional help. I'm thinking sex addiction for first, than definitely something from childhood that trained her brain to think she only has value through sexual desire. It happens in child that have been molested or teens having sex too you.

In terms of her herpes she needs to stop around the clock casual sex. People with hsv2 are an open wound waiting to welcome hiv. 

Edited September 8 by Gaeta

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

In terms of her herpes she needs to stop around the clock casual sex.

I think that’s going to be difficult given that is apparently her chosen coping strategy for her low self esteem and any negative emotions she experiences. It’s good that she is in counselling. 

Still, very good advice. 

Edited September 8 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

too you

I meant 'too young'

[Cactus Harlow]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

People with hsv2 are an open wound waiting to welcome hiv. 

She actually has HSV1 affecting the genitals, not HSV2, which is challenging for her to cope with because all the advice out there is geared towards people with HSV2. Just a side note. 

Edited September 8 by Cactus Harlow

[Cactus Harlow]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree she needs therapy.  Not only for dealing with her diagnosis, but also because she can only sees persona value in her sexuality.  

And yes, sex drives can lower over time.  She also needs strategies to get around understanding this, and not taking it personally.   All that said, you don't have to stay with someone who's giving you a hard time about not matching her sex drive.  It's 100% OK to use the breakup line "you've made it clear that I'm not meeting your needs, so I think it's best if we go our separate ways"

I know that both parties can leave at any time for any reason, but I want to make this work. Encouraging her to do therapy is my attempt to make it work. I'll be talking to my own therapist about this as well. 

[Cactus Harlow]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is she seeking any help for this? Or does she just look to men to validate her? 

Both. I really pushed her to get herself in therapy so she can learn some coping mechanisms. I actually think her poor mental health is why I'm we're having less sex in addition to just natural slowing down  2 years into our relationship. She talks about it frequently and it's kind of a turn off for me. 

Quote

It sounds like she's got poor self-esteem in general if she uses sexy social media posts as a crutch to make her feel good. That was always going to have a shelf life. And now that she has a health conditiion, it's getting worse since fewer people want to have sex with her now. 

That's how I see it as well. I hope her therapist can show her that and that she will be open to this information. It's like she's got to prove she's still sexy somehow. These are issues that have nothing to do with me that she needs to work on. 

 

Edited September 8 by Cactus Harlow

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Cactus Harlow said:

She actually has HSV1 affecting the genitals, not HSV2, which is challenging for her to cope with because all the advice out there is geared towards people with HSV2. Just a side note. 

Ok, has she been properly informed on hsv1 genitals by her physician?  Hsv1 favorite place is above the waste, when it's transmitred below the waste, after the initial outbreak, it rarely comes back. Physicians will tell you it's the new epidemy out there. Make your search with words 'genital hsv1 studies'.

[Cactus Harlow]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Ok, has she been properly informed on hsv1 genitals by her physician?  Hsv1 favorite place is above the waste, when it's transmitred below the waste, after the initial outbreak, it rarely comes back.

I have told her that, but she feels like I'm minimizing it. She comes from a nutty religious family, so I think there's some religious shame there that is short circuiting her logic on this. 

[Gaeta]

Are you in this relationship for the long run?

[Cactus Harlow]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Are you in this relationship for the long run?

Yes, otherwise I would have just ended it instead of urging her to seek counseling. 

Other than that, my problem is I don't know how to talk about this with her without hurting her feelings. 

Edited September 8 by Cactus Harlow

[Gaeta]

Was the open relationship for her benefit only or you also prefer open relationships? May l ask how old you are both?

[Cactus Harlow]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Was the open relationship for her benefit only or you also prefer open relationships? May l ask how old you are both?

I honestly feel like our relationship would be harder if we weren't open, because you can get bored having sex with the same person, or at least I do. She is 27 and I am 39. 

[Cactus Harlow]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Was the open relationship for her benefit only 

She prefers open too. Her sex drive is so high, I think she has needed multiple people to meet her needs. 

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, Cactus Harlow said:

She prefers open too. Her sex drive is so high, I think she has needed multiple people to meet her needs. 

At that level it's not within 'normal norms' and  can be controlled with medication among other things.

If she does not take this seriously she will put both your health at risk and much more serious risks than hsv 1 & 2.

Edited September 8 by Gaeta

[Mrin]

So how often are you guys having sex? I know you said it feels like the frequency is the same but how often is that frequency?

Edited September 8 by Mrin

[Els]

11 minutes ago, Cactus Harlow said:

I honestly feel like our relationship would be harder if we weren't open, because you can get bored having sex with the same person, or at least I do. She is 27 and I am 39. 

So it was you that asked for the relationship to be open? You mentioned in another comment that you "think" she needs multiple people too, but the bolded words here seem to imply otherwise.

I feel like there are self esteem issues on her end and the open relationship thing just exacerbates them. Understandably so - even people who generally have healthy self-esteem can struggle with such an arrangement. IMO, it's harder to sustain healthy open Rs long term - you need both people to really want that sort of lifestyle and to have a lot of explicit communication around these needs, and both people also need to be very secure with no jealousy or self-doubts.

If you really need an open R, that's your prerogative, but you need to have a very in-depth and open conversation with her about what the open R is doing for her and why she wants it. If you get even the slightest whiff that she's just accepting it as an unavoidable part of being with you, then it's probably not going to work.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Was the open relationship your idea or hers, OP?

 

[Cactus Harlow]

38 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Was the open relationship your idea or hers, OP?

 

It was her idea. She was only interested in an open relationship when we got together. In fact, she is actually turned on by the idea of me with other people. So, an open relationship is not something that was my idea or forced on her, it was something she wanted from the get-go. 

Edited September 8 by Cactus Harlow

[Cactus Harlow]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

At that level it's not within 'normal norms' and  can be controlled with medication among other things.

 

What sort of medication can lower her libido? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Cactus Harlow said:

It was her idea. She was only interested in an open relationship when we got together. 

I see. 

It sounds like she has a lot of unresolved issues inside her, and it goes way deeper than her recent dignosis. Hopefully your needs are being met in this relationship.