Looking for some Insight with partner

[Cheeko96]

Hey just looking for some input / advice for me (36m) and my gf(35f)

I'll try to make this as short as possible.

 

We've been together for 7 months, relationship has been very good  compared to past relationships for both of us.

 

But she  brought up a little while ago that she catches me checking out women, which has never been brought up to me in past relationships, ever. We got into a pretty nad argument once about it, and semi resolved it and I have been working on not doing it since.

 

Yesterday though she got weird, shut down, after being fine, loving, affectionate and everything. Skip ahead she said I turned my head to look at someone driving.. which I do not recall a women. Only situation I can think of is when I was looking down a road to see if a cop was still blocking it as we jus detoured and traffic was coming through. I tried to Tall to her about it, but since I said there was no women that I remember. It's pointless as I don't know what she's talking about, and she refused to elaborate on it and walked away.

I tried giving her space today too but jn the end I was rhe bad guy giving her the silent treatment, even though I tried many times to have light conversation with her.. which she stated that I was trying to just move past it without a resolution.

 

I value our relationship and her, and I have focused very hard to focus solely on her while we are out but I feel from our past argument she doesn't believe me when I speak the truth about not looking at a women.

 

Sorry for the length any insight or opinion is appreciated on how to approach her as she is very upset and told me to sleep on thr couch which she has never done in our past two arguments. I'm also going to speak to my councilor tomorrow for some insight.

 

Thanks!

[basil67]

It would appear that this relationship may have looked good at the start, but now that you're getting to know her, you find yourself dealing with unacceptable behaviour and her being neurotic.

Unless we walk with our eyes to the ground, we will always see other people.  Of course, it's disrespectful to openly admire them, but it sounds like she wants you to wear a pair of blinkers when you're out and about.   As for driving, you HAVE to be looking around - forward, sideways, rear mirror just to keep aware of your surroundings. 

Unfortunately, there's no way to fix this issue if she's not being realistic.   All you can do is stand your ground:  Tell her that you're doing your best and that you are not prepared to be attacked or bullied just because you happen to look out a side mirror or walk with your head high.   If she has another tantrum, then it's time for you to end it.

Out of curiosity, why did you sleep on the couch?  Please don't tell me that you've moved in with her

[Cheeko96]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It would appear that this relationship may have looked good at the start, but now that you're getting to know her, you find yourself dealing with unacceptable behaviour and her being neurotic.

Unless we walk with our eyes to the ground, we will always see other people.  Of course, it's disrespectful to openly admire them, but it sounds like she wants you to wear a pair of blinkers when you're out and about.   As for driving, you HAVE to be looking around - forward, sideways, rear mirror just to keep aware of your surroundings. 

Unfortunately, there's no way to fix this issue if she's not being realistic.   All you can do is stand your ground:  Tell her that you're doing your best and that you are not prepared to be attacked or bullied just because you happen to look out a side mirror or walk with your head high.   If she has another tantrum, then it's time for you to end it.

Out of curiosity, why did you sleep on the couch?  Please don't tell me that you've moved in with her

I've have stood my ground and even told her I wanna talk it through roperly but as I stated she shut it down when I said I don't remember a woman.. which anither time she brought this up it was same thing.. feel her perception is me looking from a couple past experiences.

 

The couch thing is I'm short term living with her as I moved to be closer to her as we both wanted it as we were kinda long distance but my place isn't avaliable till Sept 1st.

Though she's never done this before with our precious past two fights. 

[Gebidozo]

She’s showing you her true character now that you’ve started spending more time together. She acts like a control freak with completely unreasonable demands. There is nothing wrong with a person of any gender looking at other people of any gender. 

The relationship only seemed great. Also, you’ve moved together way too early, even temporarily.

[Gaeta]

Now that you're spending time together you are seeing her real colors.  This does not look good for this relationship. You've been dating 7 months, already had two fights in the past and now this. She is a fully grown adult of 35, she won't change unless she makes the decision to go talk to a counselor about her aggressiveness. Yes, what she puts you through is aggressiveness, control, stonewalling. 

By the way: A relationship 'relatively' good isn't good enough for long term. 

[Els]

Unless you were straight up ogling someone, she's being unreasonable.

[MsJayne]

Glancing at other people is normal, noticing other people are attractive is normal. There’s a big difference between a glance and a lingering gaze or an outright ogle. 

[basil67]

Your place is available in a week - this is very fortunate!   

Just to be clear, this type of behaviour should be a dealbreaker for you.  It's not as if you're actually doing anything wrong

[ShyViolet]

You've only been dating 7 months and and she is already showing you this psycho controlling side.  You should be seeing this for what it is... a huge red flag.  Most people wouldn't put up with this and you shouldn't either.  

[Cheeko96]

So a bit of a update if anyone's Interested.

Tried talking to her this morning about it, but she called what I said bull*** explaining the only time I can think of my head turning as stated above.

She said she wanted space so I gave it to her and had my councilor appointment, which I have been fighting a migranne and couldn't really come to a solution with my councilor how to approach. I told her I was gunna lay down as my head was hurting and I'm tired after sleeping on the couch.

I came downstairs after a few hours of resting, and grabbed a ice pack to go up and she accused me of avoiding her, which I said I told her I was laying down. But she says I'm being avoidant the situation. Which I expressed my view again of not knowing what she is talking about, and the only time I can think of my head turning was look down the road. But claims I was gawking at someone, and have done it a few other times.. which again I have been very focused on what I'm doing.

But she kept bringing up stuff from out past Two arguments, which I csnt recall but I was avoidance at first and did lie, which I heavily regret so her not believing me is my own fault in this situation. She claims I am giving her some trauma, and not sure if she wants me being apart of her being anymore.. but I'm also not trying to argue my point with her as I am being 100% honest and I know why she is struggling to believe. I just don't know how to push through it with her qhen she is very much on the side of her being right at this point.

 

She has also stated she isn't sure if she wants me here qhen she gets back from her friends house.

[basil67]

I'm sorry it's working out this way.   I stand by my previous post - the only option you have now is to leave her

[Cheeko96]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry it's working out this way.   I stand by my previous post - the only option you have now is to leave her

Yes I am leaning towards that once I am fully set up in my apartment, it has shifted into to much chaos with me giving space/ being the badguy

[ShyViolet]

This girl sounds toxic and it sounds like this relationship is over.  Let it end.  It sounds like that is for the best all around.

[Gaeta]

She sounds out of control. If l were you l would find a place l can stay at until september 1st. 

[Cheeko96]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She sounds out of control. If l were you l would find a place l can stay at until september 1st. 

Currently trying to figure something out for the time being,

She has been messaging me while st her friends but doing my best to ignore her.

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Cheeko96 said:

She has been messaging me while st her friends but doing my best to ignore her.

Did you see this side of her before?

[Cheeko96]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Did you see this side of her before?

Not to this extreme. The two other fights we've had.. did turn heated but not to this extent and we were able to resolve it peacefully.

 

It doesn't seem possible with her behavior and not trusting my take on it

[Cheeko96]

I also just wanna thank everyone for taking the time to read and reply giving insight and input.

I appreciate it very much.

[mark clemson]

On 8/22/2024 at 12:46 AM, Cheeko96 said:

The couch thing is I'm short term living with her as I moved to be closer to her as we both wanted it as we were kinda long distance but my place isn't avaliable till Sept 1st.

Though she's never done this before with our precious past two fights. 

Possibly, she is either avoidant or has anxious attachment. Possibly some odd combination of the two, such things are possible.

Avoidant people tend to push others away when they get "too close." They often DO want a relationship but they have a need to keep the other person at arm's length. Sometimes this is unconscious on their part.  If that's the case, you moving in has triggered a need to push you away. Maybe not fully away but to (what is for her) a "safe distance." IF that's the case, the looking at others is really just an excuse.

If she's strongly anxious then her "jealousy" about looking at others is "real" (in the sense that she actually feels it) even if it's in fact unwarranted. IF that's the case, she will probably continue to be severely controlling about things like this.

Most of us tend to want a relationship "on our own terms." That means different things for different people (as the above illustrates two small facets of). She MAY sweeten up again once she has emotionally manipulated you into agreeing to do things "on her terms". IF that happens, I think you'll need to decide whether this is the kind of relationship you actually want to be in. My guess would be probably not (I wouldn't want to be), but I suppose everyone's different.

In my view, IF either of the above is true, she's probably not good relationship material long term EXCEPT for those people who may find this sort of thing acceptable.

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Cheeko96 said:

Not to this extreme. The two other fights we've had.. did turn heated but not to this extent and we were able to resolve it peacefully.

That's the thing with long distance relationship, we never really get to know the person because our time is restricted so we make it fun each time. 

[Cheeko96]

I woke up to a message from her today saying 

"I think we should book a couple councilor asap as I don't want to be in this more then I do. I can offer this as a compromise" 

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, I once had a gf point out to me that I was checking out other women. She was right. I mean some guys just do this and it's not a big deal when they're single--and then checking out/seriously lingering your gaze on other women can become a problem if you're dating. 

But something about this story makes me feel the issue is her insecurity talking. And that insecurity sounds deep. I would be very careful. Do NOT assume the problem is simply that you need to better "explain" yourself to her. 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Cheeko96 said:

I woke up to a message from her today saying 

"I think we should book a couple councilor asap as I don't want to be in this more then I do. I can offer this as a compromise" 

no no no no no, SHE needs therapy.

This is NOT a couple thing, this is a HER thing. 

Cheeko! when it doesn't work at 7 months dating we breakup, we don't invest thousands of dollars in couples therapy. Therapy is for when you have something to lose like long term couples and couples with children. It's for couples that have been  happy for many years and suddenly they run into some problems, they have a happy place to go back to. You and her don't. 

[Gebidozo]

11 minutes ago, Cheeko96 said:

I woke up to a message from her today saying 

"I think we should book a couple councilor asap as I don't want to be in this more then I do. I can offer this as a compromise" 

A compromise between what and what? Between her being jealous and controlling and… what, you daring to cast a glance on another woman? What’s needed is an apology from her and a firm decision to stop being so possessive. She still doesn’t seem to understand that she was wrong. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, I would avoid a couples counselor. Because right now, you won't speak the truth. The truth is you think her jealousy is unfounded, unhinged--nuts! You literally have to use words that strong. And you won't use words that strong. Therefore couples counseling would be a waste.

Imagine I hold a gun to your head and rob you every week. Then I offer to go to a mediator to work out a compromise with you. What sense does that make? You need to call the police on me and stay away from me. You don't gain anything if I "compromise" and agree to rob you every two weeks as opposed to every week.