mark clemson Posted September 5, 2024 Share Posted September 5, 2024 Divorcing after 20+ years is easier said than done. You'll have to weigh what's important to you, etc. I will say that, after all this, it doesn't really make sense to trust your husband to do other than continue what he has been doing, unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarcyJames Posted September 5, 2024 Author Share Posted September 5, 2024 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: Divorcing after 20+ years is easier said than done. You'll have to weigh what's important to you, etc. I will say that, after all this, it doesn't really make sense to trust your husband to do other than continue what he has been doing, unfortunately. Thank you. Yes, the pattern of behavior sucks. He's also a high functioning alcoholic and I cannot drink, so that's another big issue. I'm tired. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2024 Share Posted September 5, 2024 9 hours ago, DarcyJames said: Am I in denial or something? Yes, but it's understanable. You've spent a long time with him and have a life together. It's hard to walk away, but what he's been doing undermines and disrespects the very core of your marriage (and you as a person) He has never been fully in it with you. And it isn't going to get better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarcyJames Posted September 5, 2024 Author Share Posted September 5, 2024 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, but it's understanable. You've spent a long time with him and have a life together. It's hard to walk away, but what he's been doing undermines and disrespects the very core of your marriage (and you as a person) He has never been fully in it with you. And it isn't going to get better. Thank you. I need to keep hearing things like this. I think eventually it will sink in fully. It's starting to, but it's taking time. I just want to FEEL it instead of just knowing it cognitively. I just keep taking steps towards independence even if they seem minor, they are and will add up and I think that when I'm actually ready to do something about it all, I'll be in a better place logistically. Link to post Share on other sites
tzorno Posted September 5, 2024 Share Posted September 5, 2024 I know how you feel Darcy. When a marriage ends after 20+ years (30 for me), your world gets turned upside down. The comfort is gone and replaced with stress, fear, and uncertainty. It's hard to decide if you want to change the life you have now or just conform to it because it's easier. You can stay in the relationship, but you know it's just a facade. The most important thing in any relationship is trust, and thats gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarcyJames Posted September 6, 2024 Author Share Posted September 6, 2024 On 9/5/2024 at 8:06 AM, tzorno said: I know how you feel Darcy. When a marriage ends after 20+ years (30 for me), your world gets turned upside down. The comfort is gone and replaced with stress, fear, and uncertainty. It's hard to decide if you want to change the life you have now or just conform to it because it's easier. You can stay in the relationship, but you know it's just a facade. The most important thing in any relationship is trust, and thats gone. Thank you. It's helpful to hear from you, with the 30 year marriage. I'm almost there. Most of the stuff I read online are from people in like, 7 year relationships, which doesn't compare at all to what I've been in. I definitely want things to change. In my head I know exactly that I need to leave and why. In my heart I have a hard time coming to terms with that reality, but I'm better than I was. Only 2 years ago, I couldn't even admit that out loud to myself, let alone to anyone else. Trust is completely gone. I imagine my life alone and it. is. glorious. I think writing in these forums (I've tried this one and another one so far) helps me to slowly get my heart to match my brain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarcyJames Posted September 6, 2024 Author Share Posted September 6, 2024 On 9/5/2024 at 1:08 PM, S2B said: Ask yourself - do you want another 20 years of this behavior? If you don’t - then make sure it ends! life is too short to stay feeling miserable. Heck no. I keep worrying that being in my 40s means I'm too old, but then I think that's ridiculous. I do not want to live like this indefinitely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarcyJames Posted September 6, 2024 Author Share Posted September 6, 2024 On 9/5/2024 at 4:23 AM, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, but it's understanable. You've spent a long time with him and have a life together. It's hard to walk away, but what he's been doing undermines and disrespects the very core of your marriage (and you as a person) He has never been fully in it with you. And it isn't going to get better. Thank you for this reminder. I need to hear this over and over again. I hope it will sink in eventually. I think it will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarcyJames Posted September 6, 2024 Author Share Posted September 6, 2024 On 9/4/2024 at 9:29 PM, mark clemson said: Divorcing after 20+ years is easier said than done. You'll have to weigh what's important to you, etc. I will say that, after all this, it doesn't really make sense to trust your husband to do other than continue what he has been doing, unfortunately. No it really doesn't make sense. Which is why I'm hesitant to even bring it up again - it won't change anything. The only thing I can change is me. Link to post Share on other sites
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