Why is so hard to get over an abusive person?

[That_girl]

I was dating a man for about two years on and off and we broke up three months ago. I ended it because his temper was getting so bad that I was ending up with bruises on my body from his blocking me from leaving during an argument. And towards the very end, he began pushing me and calling me names that he's never called me before like 'bitch'.

We had a rocky relationship for the past six months. There was no trust on either part. I cheated on him in the past, and found out that he cheated on me with a girl much younger (I'm 21). As if the mental and physical abuse wasn't enough, this really pushed me over the edge and I finally dumped him and haven't spoken to him since october.

I don't want him back, I mean of course I miss the good times and the person I thought he was before the abuse had started (right after we started having sex), but every time he calls me I feel the urge to pick up. I've been ignoring his calls so far because I know we can never resolve this...he'll keep making me feel guilty and not even let me get a word in once I start accusing him of something. He seems to posess many of the same traits associated with narcissism as mentioned in other threads. I don;t want to go back to someone like this....but it's so hard to just pretend as though he never existed and never speak to him again.

Yes, he is abusive, and yes I know I will never give him another chance, but it's so ridiciously hard to just let go without picking up the phone and telling him off for all of the mental damage he's caused me. I know that would only encourage him. How does everyone else deal with this? Do you just give up without giving that person a final piece of your mind? Will this eventually make me feel stronger and better as a person?

This is such a horrible thing to have to deal with, he was the closest person to me and now all of the sudden I feel as though I'd freak out if I ran into him, and don't even feel like talking to him anymore unless its to release some of the anger and hurt that I've been feeling.

[Outcast]

Write a long letter to clear all the anger from your system but don't send it.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Answering the question in your title line, without concerning myself with the particulars unique to your individual situation, I'd say the following:

 

 

For most, an abusive s.o. is easy to amputate and get-over, but it is those who know a long pattern of abusive parents and s.o.'s who have difficulty breaking free of the abuse cycle.

 

The answers you seek were probably very prominent in your world long before the individual man of whom you speak today.

[slubberdegullion]

Another entry into the innumerable lists in the "your feelings are lying to you" department.

 

You have a right to feel angry, hurt, abused and betrayed. But the feelings about loving him were, as you have so rightly recognized, were not doing you any good at all.

 

If you wish to write a last letter, and feel comfortable posting it, put it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t74875

 

The reason I suggest that a public posting might be a good idea is to give others that have been in your situation a touchstone whereby they can see that they, too, are not alone.

 

But if you are not comfortable with that, then I'd second Outcast's suggestion to write a letter to vent your spleen, then possibly make a small ceremony (with girlfriends who know your situation) and burn the paper to release the poison.

 

Good luck, and congratulations on making, and keeping, the tough decision.

[ElizabethH]

Hi That Girl---

 

You're maybe too young to remember the TV show by that name! Anyway, my heart really goes out to you. The reason that it's hard to get away from abuse or otherwise bad treatment is that you or many of us believe on some level that we deserve the abuse. In other words, we think that by healing with an abuser, or making him or her stop the abuse that we'll be able to prove to ourselves that we are finally OK. We are just letting the abuser do to us what we are doing to ourselves on the inside. I'm no psychogist, but I've seen this tendancy in myself and others. I recently had a guy I was seeing for a few months leave me for an abusive woman and he too told me that he couldn't help but be with her and that he was addicted to the abuse. It made me sad.

 

You are a worthwhile woman. Feel good and buoyant about yourself. You're not alone. Don't go back to that messed up dude. You deserve the best!

[Woggle]

Because abusers screw with your head and it is hard to get your mind right again.

[JS17]

A LOT of time and A LOT of purging.

 

I never gave my guy a piece of my mind. It doesn't matter what you tell them they won't believe it. It won't do you any good and it will just frustrate you more. Just be glad that he's out of your life and know that you deserve better.

 

I wrote a 16 page letter. It helped a little bit but it doesn't fix it. Getting over an abusive relationship is not like getting over other relationships. A letter has worked in the past for me for other relationships, not this one.

 

Give yourself a lot of time.

[That_girl]

Thanks for the replies. I have already written a letter to him that I ripped up the day after. I could never send it to him, I don't really want to speak to him ever again, but he's been calling and I know that one day I will have to confront him. It just hurts so much, I wish things could have been different between us because he was my first love and I really did care about him. This no contact thing really sucks...sometimes I don't think about it, but others I feel like calling him to let off some steam, and just to talk again because I'm starting to miss him. But i guess the best thing to do is to keep thinking about all of the abuse and anguish I went through in this relationship.

[Ezydriver]

If sometimes he was nice, then there is a psychological reason why you find it hard to let go, we're in the animal kingdom, we are afterall, animals.

I was reading about an experiment with rats that a bunch of scientists did, everytime the rats pushed a lever, they were rewarded with food, one group of rats were then rewarded randomly, not every time, but say every 2, then 5, then3, then 10 times the lever was pushed, they knew they were going to get their 'reward' eventually, just weren't sure when, the other group of rats had their rewards cut off completely, they soon learned that they were never going to get their 'reward' so stopped pushing the lever. This is why we put up with abusive behaviour, because sometimes they are 'nice' and you know they can be. This is extremely detrimental behaviour on both parts though, but the heart is treacherous as I've recently found out.

Regards,

Steve.

[ElizabethH]

Thanks Steve---

 

You've helped me understand another reason why a couple of my relationships were harder to let go than others.

Elizabeth

[cleo]

i was in there. so i could understand how you feel. it needs time to heal your heart and to get over the hurt.... for some people it may takes very long time. last time, what i did was i changed my mobile number... and tried not to contact him or be contacable. although he always got a way to find me, but my friend protected me too. just be strong and show that you r not afraid . but i do suggest you too give your self sometimes... everytime i look back, i am grateful that i decided to break up from him. i would never be like i am now if i were not brave enough to break up. it took a lot of courage. but trust me , u will be able to handle it .spend more time with frens and go for counseling or help. dont feel bad abt it. in this life there is much thing u can do.... there is always opportunity for happiness and beauty

[damwinston]

Because abusers screw with your head and it is hard to get your mind right again.

 

Although Woggle and I don't agree often this is right on advice.

I was molested as a child.

Beaten by an ex-bf (at 14) he broke my arm.

Emotionally controlled by another bf.

 

I finally found a guy, a good one, and it just wouldn't work it. Wasn't my fault, wasn't his. Just life.

 

But remember that THEY are the ones that hurt you - that does NOT make you a bad person at all.

Although I have gotten my heart broken once since all of that I can promise that NO ONE will ever physically hurt me again. When the guy (not the nice one that I was dating but the a$$) said something it set me off and that was it. When he pushed me (last week) I lost it.

 

Remember that this is not your fault. You didn't ask for it and, although it takes time to get over, you will get over it and, not only that, you will be stronger for it.

 

all the best,

dammy

[Darla doll]

I had a very similar relationship...I even thought my bf was bipolar becuz his attitudes were so different. When i finally got the nerve to tell a friend that he was abusing me, she secretly helped me get over him. it's not easy sometimes to get rid of someone who's abusive. It's even harder when you love them and you think they love you, too.

I confronted my bf in a public parking lot with my best friend in my car. I told him i was considering big changes in my life and i couldnt deal with a relationship. i told him i wanted to change my career and start fresh. He exploded and started yelling at me. i told him i never wanted to see his face again and got in the car and left.

for the next week i got a call almost every hour from him. Occasionally drunken messages telling me I was abusive and how could i hurt him like that. okay...

it was the hardest break up becuz you're letting go of someone you still have feelings for which is kinda strange and different. It killed me to ignore the phone calls. The best thing i can reccomend is to get a new number or block his. (I never did, though i changed his name in my phone to DO NOT ANSWER) eventually my friend talked to him playing stupid and told him i just needed to be with someone more compatible for me. yea he was upset but spending time with friends and other guys (ones you trust) will help you tremendosly. burning pictures never worked for me but hey whatever works works. Restraining orders work wonders if you can deal with paper work and all that fun stuff.

one last word. if he hurt you, he will again, i promise. People dont change, their personalities might warp, but instinct will stay the same. There is a reason we are sometimes called "animals" some more than others.

[lilmoma1973]

 

Probably because you felt belittled and insecure and your self esteem was low,and he made you feel you was nothing!! These types of men make me sick ,and the fact that they can be so controlling of you ,and make you feel unworthy of ever being loved ,is because they know if you wise up ,you will leave them ,so they bring you down ,so you won't leave them!! Good luck you will get through it !!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Another entry into the innumerable lists in the "your feelings are lying to you" department.

 

They often do

[That_girl]

I know that my ex will never change, as mentioned above. That is the most difficult part to deal, acceptin gthat he is who he is and nothing will ever change that. I would go back to him because i miss him, but not at the cost of my own safety and sanity. I just feel so alone and depressed, it's so hard not to pick up the phone and call him sometimes. He had been calling me a few times a week since the breakup but i never answered his calls or responded to the emails he sent. It's so sick and pathetic but now that he's stopped calling me, i kinda wish he would so that at least i would know that he is suffering without me.

[Dreamgirl03]

I know how it feels..i`m going through the situation myself. I just broke it off with about a week ago with an abusive guy. I have found someone else already but it is still hard. I still see him and everything so that makes it even harder. He would like hit me all the time and everything. Deep down I still love him very much, but i just cant take it. The new guy says he wont do anything like that, and i hope he wont. But it still very hard. ::sigh::

[beentheredonethat2]

I sense a desire to return the pain he caused you, as I am going through this right now. So far it has only amounted to throwing a stupid valentine teddy bear in the garbage. But the conflicting feelings of *wince* missing him seems VERY odd to outsiders, but if they were abused they would understand. Direct revenge is no good. Showing your pain or loss or even interest simply feeds his behavior. As well off to do as he acts, and as "easily" he has seemed to moved on while you suffer the damage he caused (which he is in NO way sorry for--at least on a conscious level) he is FAKING it. Let me repeat this HE IS FAKING IT. You want the best revenge? Display subtly how well you are doing by answering the phone cheerfully, then sounding horribly disappointed when it is him, and say I have to go, I'm expecting a call. OR you know what they hate the most? You know he's following you, whether it's by looking you up on the computer or calling or driving by your house at night to look in your window or car, just to see if everything is still the same--an unhappy, isolated you. I found the biggest turnaround in him when he drove by and I looked great, walking with a gait, looking professional and confident, to my car. I didn't even know he was watching. But he sure called later, reluctantly, morosely just to say he saw me and I must be moving on.

 

My mistake? I said no I care about you still, I just was going to work. If I could take back time, I'd say

 

"Well actually, yeah I do feel pretty good. And when I feel good, I take care of myself, and look good too. And I really don't want you ruining this for me, like you have before. Goodbye. "

[beentheredonethat2]

That girl:

 

Another thing you could do is park your car in a new place where he won't expect it, or turn off the lights and light candles instead, or put flowers on your patio, christmas lights in your window. Pretend you aren't home. You aren't home to him are you? Be fresh new and UNPREDICTIBLE. Predictibility is what allowed him to control you in the first place, because he learned your "triggers", weaknesses, and studied your behavior not to be empathetic but to control you. Demonstrate that you refuse to let him control you in a non-aggressive, passive way.

 

The key to these strategies is that you have to be COMMITTED to this avoiding him thing. Whether you feel like it or not. If you aren't, don't use it as a tactic to gain a response, because when you get really really lonely and low (which he has been so good at doing to you for so long) and you call him, or can't keep up the persona, he will see it as a tactic to make him uncomfortable, and will store in in his repertoir of weapons to punish you.

 

This is a skill of only the most sound, and how do you know that you are sound? Because you are a woman and will fight for what you believe in, and the war right now is for yourself.

 

I really hope this does not sound like babble (see there's my conditioned insecurity surfacing), but I think it's the only way to deal with this kind of a person, or not deal with them at all. A good friend once said 12 years ago to me:

 

" You cannot be rational with an irrational person."

 

I've never forgotten that, and now I pass that on to you, That Girl. Good luck and keep up the posts, I want to know how this works for you.

[BeenThere7777]

This will likely be long, and if it's too long, I apologize in advance.

 

I think that there's probably a really good chance that you've been in an abusive relationship before this one. You just may not realize it because it was mental/emotional abuse, as opposed to physical. And for that matter, this abusive guy was likely abusive toward you before he ever put his hands on you. It's rare that a person treats you with respect and then begins abuse by leaving bruises. So maybe your problem is that you don't recognize when you're being mentally/emotionally abused...and that's a definite problem. Something you need to get a handle on very quickly, or else you're going to find yourself in this situation again - or one that's worse.

 

I was with an abuser. I don't know how it happened, but it started out as mental abuse, and somewhere along the way, he threw me into a wall and knocked me on the floor. It was downhill from there, obviously. But he was a textbook case, really. Started out with things that can easily be confused with the honeymoon stages of dating. He always wanted to be with me, was a little clingy, etc. And then came the jealousy...in small doses at first, but it got much worse. Then came the anger about the clothes that I'd wear if I was going somewhere without him. Demands for sex. Put downs. Not wanting me to talk to my friends. Not wanting me to talk to my family. Somewhere in there, he quit going to college (that happened pretty early on, actually) because he wanted more time with me (major red flag, by the way). He started getting into trouble at work because he was always talking to me on the phone or the internet. It wasn't truly that he was THAT into me...it was that he wanted to make sure he knew what I was (or wasn't) doing at all times. It cost him a lot. He ended up losing his job. Had started failing his classes before he finally quit school. He stopped hanging out with his friends and hated it when I hung out with mine. Then before I knew it, he became violent. Then he started spying. He put a spy program on my computer and reviewed all of my online activity every day when I was sleeping. He'd always hit redial and *69 on my phone to see the last person that had called me and the last person I'd called. He was extremely insecure, possessive, and jealous. None of those are good things...they all point to abuse. So...look out for that in the future.

 

I know that it's hard to be away from him...and I know that that's a sick feeling. You shouldn't love him because he hurt you, but the love you had before he hurt you doesn't just go away, and you wind up feeling extremely conflicted. Don't give in to his calls. You would likely do best to take this time to start REALLY looking at yourself and asking some pretty tough questions. Because while this is NOT your fault, you chose him as a mate. Something in your selection process told you that he was a good choice. You need to figure out why...because that's not an accident. You need to look at where your self esteem is really at, because chances are...you don't have much...and that just leaves you in a position to pick another abuser as well. You need to readjust your standards in potential mates. You need to look at your past and if you've been abused because if so, it's just another thing that makes you more likely to choose another abuser. Honestly, leaving an abusive relationship is very difficult because if you want to truly avoid falling into a pattern of always picking abusive men, then you have to look at yourself more than anyone else, and you have to make some serious changes. Good luck to you on that. Therapy, by the way, is not a bad idea. Ditto for a support group.

 

If you want to cut contact, which you need to do for your own safety and well-being, then change your phone number, and pay the extra $5 a month to have it unlisted. If he comes to your house, don't answer the door...just call the police. If he threatens you, follows you, or continues to bother you in any way...always call the police because you will need a restraining order, and for that, you should have police reports. If you have to move...move.

I personally felt so unsafe that I've moved SEVERAL times since I left my ex. And I'll keep moving if I have to. If stalking becomes an issue, you may need to consider it.

 

If you need to get your anger out (which will take a LONG time), take the advice from the other people here and write a letter and burn it. If that doesn't do it, then write another letter, and tear it up. Keep writing letters, say everything you'd want to say to him, and don't send them. It's true what another poster said earlier: if you tell HIM how you feel, you will find yourself even more frustrated because he will play an awful lot of games just to GET you upset. That's what abusers do. They manipulate. They lie. They play games. He will deny having hurt you, or he'll blame you, or he'll change the subject, talk over you, not allow you to talk, or whatever other game he decides to play. By the end of the conversation, you will not have gotten to say the things you wanted to say. You won't get an apology...and if you do, it will be an empty one. Telling him your feelings will piss you off more. If letters don't work, punch a pillow, scream, cry, write in a journal, go to therapy and/or a support group, stab an empty kleenex box with a pen a bunch of times (it sounds crazy but it helps. Therapists teach it as a form of release), exercise, call a friend. There are a million things you can do to vent your anger. Just know...it will take a very long time.

 

Good luck to you. Honestly, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is change your number and make him leave you alone, and spend your time working on yourself and making some positive changes so that you don't ever end up in this kind of relationship again. Take care of yourself first - always.

[skyatnight]

Well I have just come out of a short relationship which resulted in me being hospitalised. From my ex-boyfriend who was mr prince charming when I met him could not do enough for me. Bought me diamond rings, clothes, you name it he bought it for me. I ended up moving in with him abroad I might add - I was even learning another language for him and so the nightmare began. The verbal abuse, the put downs, the blaming, the name calling - attack after attack on my self esteem. Chatting up other women infront of me to make me jealous. Going out at night on purpose after I would come home so I would be left alone.

If I said black he would say white completely ignoring my opinion and my feelings. The final straw was when he tried to kill me and to top it off punched me over and over breaking bones. Girls this is what happens when you fall for the wrong guy it nearly cost me my life. Please please be careful out there.