my wife (30F) cheated on me (30M) after we argued and a month of communication cold war

[Solid-Storm6763]

My wife and I had some arguments last month. What initiated the arguments is that she repeatedly spoke ill of me and my family behind my back (while most of what she said are also false/ way exaggerated) to her friends. Also, she would text with sexual implications with her male friends which made me really sad (though I believed she did that only for seeking attention rather than intending to cheat). I know that she loves me so much, but still I find crossing these boundaries hard to accept. When I tried to talk with her about this and said this could kill our marriage, she begged for my forgiveness while on the other hand trying to lie and hide stuff from me. Eventually when both of our heads got hot, we verbally broke up and she ran back to our hometown (we live abroad). We knew there was a possibility of getting divorced, especially if we don't have any further effective communication , but we also knew it was not official. I thought we need time to calm down and talk another time. So we were kind of in a cold war for a month.

Two weeks after she went back to hometown, my friend told me that he saw her dating a guy. I thought it was just a friend thing. But after another week, I saw my wife booked a hotel room and shopped for sexy lingerie/sex toys, and finally after a few days she really went to the hotel with that guy. It is heartbreaking to see all these. That broke my heart, especially just a few days before all these happened I wrote a few long letters to my wife expressing how much I love her and we should talk and work out everything together. But at that point she seemed to have been desperate about our marriage.  She did not answer my calls/text messages/ letters, and insisted to continue her planned cheating.  

I had my brother follow her to the hotel on her planned cheating day. When she and the other guy came out from the hotel room, my brother greeted her in face asking why she was there. She reacted awkwardly and then smiled like nothing happened, and then left the hotel together. I thought after getting caught she would be shameful of what she did and apologize to me or something. But she did not. Instead she went to another hotel for the second half of the night. I took a day to digest the thing and cried alone myself. Then I called her hoping to ask why she did that. She did not answer my call, again. 

Maybe she initiated all these things because she repeatedly did the inappropriated things mentioned in the first paragraph and  I did not give her any hope in this marriage. My attitude was cold because I myself also need some time to calm down. When I calmed down and wrote those letters to her, she was already completely desperate about my marriage. But I never saw this cheating coming given she said how much she loves me and would never want to live without me just a couple weeks ago.

Our background: We spent 13 years together since high school and married for 3 years.  We spent almost half of our lives together. I've never pictured my life or future without her. I did mention divorce a couple times to her when she repeatedly did disrespectful things to me or crossed the boundaries. She never wanted to separate and always begged for forgiveness. Deep down in my heart, I never wanted to let her go too. I would give her chances for many things, but this planned cheating is a absolute NO. I kept questioning myself "why isn't she touched by letters? why she insisted to cheat and kill our marriage like this?" I did not really see this coming because I thought she never wanted to end our marriage. It's heartbreaking to end this relationship.

My mood now can change every two minutes. Whenever I see things related to her (almost everything given how long we lived and grew together), my heart aches.

[basil67]

Ah, I'm so sorry this happened...but it doesn't surprise me

In a relationship there is 'his truth', 'her truth' and 'what actually happened'   What she was telling her friends was 'her truth'.  It was how she sees things.   So my guess is that she already had one foot out the door already and this was underpinning her flirting.   And neither of you was listening to the other in how each one's actions were hurting the marriage.  I know you though that there was hope for the future, but I think she was DONE and didn't feel any need to be faithful to you.  The fact that there was a cold war for a month(!) underscores just how broken this was.  

If there is to be a recovery, both of you must be willing to undertake marriage counselling with a view to putting past mistakes behind and having a fresh start, including addressing things with your family (where those actions affect her).   If one or both of you cannot do this, then you're headed for divorce courts.

Please stick around as people help you work your way through this.  You'll get quite a variety of advice and opinions

 

[Solid-Storm6763]

Regarding the relative "truths", I understood that. But the problem was, even after I explained to her (maybe even a couple times), she would verbally agree with me every time but bring up the same issue another time.

I also agree that at the point she planned for the cheating, she felt hopeless about our marriage. I thought my love letters could make her hesitate, but she did not. Her cruel reaction before and after the cheating totally broke my heart. She does not answer my call or communicate in any way with me. 

[Solid-Storm6763]

 

32 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Ah, I'm so sorry this happened...but it doesn't surprise me

In a relationship there is 'his truth', 'her truth' and 'what actually happened'   What she was telling her friends was 'her truth'.  It was how she sees things.   So my guess is that she already had one foot out the door already and this was underpinning her flirting.   And neither of you was listening to the other in how each one's actions were hurting the marriage.  I know you though that there was hope for the future, but I think she was DONE and didn't feel any need to be faithful to you.  The fact that there was a cold war for a month(!) underscores just how broken this was.  

If there is to be a recovery, both of you must be willing to undertake marriage counselling with a view to putting past mistakes behind and having a fresh start, including addressing things with your family (where those actions affect her).   If one or both of you cannot do this, then you're headed for divorce courts.

Please stick around as people help you work your way through this.  You'll get quite a variety of advice and opinions

 

Regarding the relative "truths", I understood that. But the problem was, even after I explained to her (maybe even a couple times), she would verbally agree with me every time but bring up the same issue another time.

I also agree that at the point she planned for the cheating, she felt hopeless about our marriage. I thought my love letters could make her hesitate, but she did not. Her cruel reaction before and after the cheating totally broke my heart. She does not answer my call or communicate in any way with me. 

 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Solid-Storm6763 said:

Regarding the relative "truths", I understood that. But the problem was, even after I explained to her (maybe even a couple times), she would verbally agree with me every time but bring up the same issue another time.

This means that the issue was never properly put to bed in her head.  Without knowing what her concerns were, it's hard to comment....but perhaps she was still hurting or perhaps she feared it happening again or perhaps she didn't feel properly heard.

9 minutes ago, Solid-Storm6763 said:

I also agree that at the point she planned for the cheating, she felt hopeless about our marriage. I thought my love letters could make her hesitate, but she did not. Her cruel reaction before and after the cheating totally broke my heart. She does not answer my call or communicate in any way with me. 

It can happen that love letters are too late.   And honestly, I can't reconcile having weeks of fury and a month apart with the sending of love letters.   Love letters are about keeping things good, not about a last ditch effort to save things

[Solid-Storm6763]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This means that the issue was never properly put to bed in her head.  Without knowing what her concerns were, it's hard to comment....but perhaps she was still hurting or perhaps she feared it happening again or perhaps she didn't feel properly heard.

It can happen that love letters are too late.   And honestly, I can't reconcile having weeks of fury and a month apart with the sending of love letters.   Love letters are about keeping things good, not about a last ditch effort to save things

I would say she is over sensitive person with low self esteem. She could interpret a neutral statement as an assault. For example,  when my mom encouraged her to finish her bachelor's degree (she only got an associated degree at her early 20s), she would interpret that as my mom is looking down to her.

I really felt sorry to have sent the letters too late. That's why I kept blaming myself even though it's her cheated on me. But after all, I really did not see this coming as we are still married. How could she behave like that... I admitted that I should have sent the letters and started the communication earlier, but taking that as an excuse to cheat (without shame!) sounds horrible to me.

 

 

 

Edited July 21 by Solid-Storm6763

[Gebidozo]

Sorry this is happening to you. To me, it sounds like your wife is an immature and insecure person not ready for a serious relationship, let alone marriage. Whatever your mistakes may have been, cheating is inexcusable, but it’s up not just cheating. Her entire behavior indicates that she is restless, unsatisfied, and probably wants out of the marriage. Perhaps divorce would be the lesser evil here.

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Solid-Storm6763 said:

I would say she is over sensitive person with low self esteem. She could interpret a neutral statement as an assault. For example,  when my mom encouraged her to finish her bachelor's degree (she only got an associated degree at her early 20s), she would interpret that as my mom is looking down to her.

Was she asking your mother's opinion?   Did your mother often give opinions? 

7 minutes ago, Solid-Storm6763 said:

I really felt sorry to have sent the letters too late. That's why I kept blaming myself even though it's her cheated on me. But after all, I really did not see this coming as we are still married. How could she behave like that... I admitted that I should have sent the letters and started the communication earlier, but taking that as an excuse to cheat (without shame!) sounds horrible to me.

Having been married and divorced, I can tell you that all thoughts of still being "married" went out the door at the same time I did.  I'd given all I could....and there was nothing left.  I really didn't care to stay faithful to someone who I was not returning to - and I think that's where your wife was at.   And you're right - she likely feels no shame as she is comfortable with her choice.  

What was said/done to make you so angry for so long?   

[Solid-Storm6763]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Sorry this is happening to you. To me, it sounds like your wife is an immature and insecure person not ready for a serious relationship, let alone marriage. Whatever your mistakes may have been, cheating is inexcusable, but it’s up not just cheating. Her entire behavior indicates that she is restless, unsatisfied, and probably wants out of the marriage. Perhaps divorce would be the lesser evil here.

I agree that she is immature and insecure to some extent. But what broke my heart or what made me not seeing this coming is that she really loves me and never wanted to end the marriage no matter how many times I initiate the idea of divorce. I felt really bad myself for verbally mentioning divorce a couple times which definitely made her desperate. But I was also in a desperate situation where she repeatedly did those disrespectful things. More importantly, whenever I gave her chance to confess about hat, she would lie making me even more desperate. That's why I had to take such a long time to really work on our problems. However, I strongly agree that cheating is inexcusable...

[Solid-Storm6763]

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Was she asking your mother's opinion?   Did your mother often give opinions? 

Having been married and divorced, I can tell you that all thoughts of still being "married" went out the door at the same time I did.  I'd given all I could....and there was nothing left.  I really didn't care to stay faithful to someone who I was not returning to - and I think that's where your wife was at.   And you're right - she likely feels no shame as she is comfortable with her choice.  

What was said/done to make you so angry for so long?   

1. She wasn't. My mother asked about this topic and gave opinion.

2. I mean she doesn't have to wait till the whole process is finalized to do what she wants. But at least, having an affair with another man should not be done until we both officially agree to separate. At least I would never do anything like that.

3.  First, she would also spoke ill  of me and my other family members e.g. my brother's girlfriend. to her friends.  For example, when my brother's gf went on a trip with my brother, she would say they are TRASH because they are poor students who should save up instead of spending on fun things. I mean it's OK if she told me this, but not she would only talk about this behind our back. Second, she has little to no boundary with her male friends. I got very pissed seeing her sexual jokes with one of her male friends. Third, which is actually the most important thing to me,  is that she never confess about what she did and her feelings after I discovered all these things. Instead she chose to wear her mask and lie to me. I really found it hard to communicate with her when she was not being honest or trying to hide from me. That made me stop the communication and hence the cold war.

 

Edited July 21 by Solid-Storm6763

[basil67]

So she and your mother are both inclined to give unsolicited opinions - I can see how that would be problematic.   Plus, knowing she already had problems with your family, your brother was the one sent to spy on her and confront when she was with another guy after leaving.   Even if she wanted to, how could she come back now that your family knows what was going on?   And how did you know about her booking a motel and buying lingerie? 

A marriage only needs one person to decide to end it.  Even if their spouse wants to work on it, it's the marriage is still dead in the water if one has emotionally disconnected.  Did she tell you she was done or when she walked out?   Honestly, I'd see one month of cold war as being a mutual ending to the marriage. 

All the things you write in your last paragraph make me wonder why you actually want her back.  Perhaps you'd be better off without her?

Edited July 21 by basil67

[Solid-Storm6763]

17 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So she and your mother are both inclined to give unsolicited opinions - I can see how that would be problematic.   Plus, knowing she already had problems with your family, your brother was the one sent to spy on her and confront.  Even if she wanted to, how could she come back now that your family knows what was going on? 

A marriage only needs one person to decide to end it.  Even if their spouse want to work on it, it's the marriage is still dead in the water.  Did she tell you she was done or when she walked out?   Honestly, I'd see one month of cold war as being a mutual ending to the marriage. 

All the things you write in your last paragraph make me wonder why you actually want her back.  Perhaps you'd be better off without her?

1. I was not in two and had no help except my brother. If I didn't have my brother do that, I would've never known what actually happened. I don't know how she could come back, but the moment she decided to cheat she should have thought of the consequence. She was a grown-up. Even if she still has slight chance of coming back, she shouldn't have done that knowing I won't accept cheating of any form.

 

2. She did not. We verbally talked about breaking up back and forth. But the moment she left our home, she assumed we will talk later. I think a mutual ending requires both of us make the decision explicitly. I find it hard to believe that not talking for a month automatically ended a marriage assuming we both are trying to calm down.

 

3. I'm not exactly hoping for her to come back at this moment given the cheating has happened... It was a mixed feeling. My life was full of her. I'm the kind of person who treasures long term relationship especially this one. Assuming she did not cheat and she is willing to communicate, I would have given her all the chances to improve and I'll be there with her for all the negative emotions. I hoped my letters could change her mind and I would have forgave her if she can be honest to me even though she had this intention to cheat. Now her reactions clearly buried my last hope, but still I find it hard to move on when she declines to talk to me about  anything.

Edited July 21 by Solid-Storm6763

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're not getting any answers, but there's gotta be answers if you unpack what happened

For instance in the last argument, was there yelling?  Insults?  What were you both saying to each other?  

43 minutes ago, Solid-Storm6763 said:

I would have given her all the chances to improve and I'll be there with her for all the negative emotions. I hoped my letters could change her mind and I would have forgave her if she can be honest to me even though she had this intention to cheat.

Yes, she certainly needed to improve things.  What about you?  What things did you do wrong and could have improved on?  

[Solid-Storm6763]

58 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry you're not getting any answers, but there's gotta be answers if you unpack what happened

For instance in the last argument, was there yelling?  Insults?  What were you both saying to each other?  

Yes, she certainly needed to improve things.  What about you?  What things did you do wrong and could have improved on?  

1. For the last argument, I was mostly just showing disappointment and made her to confess about those disrespectful behaviors, not much yelling or insult. Neither did she insult me. But the point is that before that she had promised not to do the same thing again or that will kill our marriage. I was pissed by what she did, but what made me more angry is that throughout the communication process (that lasted for a couple days in early June) she was never being honest. For example, she would not admit that she has done anything until I showed evidence. Gradually, I lost my patience in her because of her being dishonest which gradually turned into a cold war. For about two weeks, she came to talk to me on and off,  she mostly spoke about her emotions but again when it came to what she did she was hiding and not showing honesty and integrity in our conversation in that regard. Until the final two days she decided to fly back to our hometown, I started to feel the need to satisfy her emotions before really interrogating about her misbehaviors. So I asked her to stay and told her I love her. She declined to stay at that moment and insisted to go. I turned a bit angry when she declined but still offered her a ride to the airport. When she went back to the hometown, she called me once but I did not answer that because I didn't want to let my negative emotion override and argue over the phone. She stopped calling me or text me since then. Then the above things happened after about 3 weeks. 

2. I was only aware of solving the problems and focusing on the honesty in our communication, but ignored her emotional needs at the moment. I mean I felt isolated in this marriage when she always tried to lie. But now I think she felt isolated as well, for a different reason, namely I did not take care of her emotions. In other words, while I need honesty and integrity she also needs emotional support and my understanding. I was not aware that she could hardly satisfy my need without me first satisfying hers. That's something I should have done better. I've also included this in my letters.

Edited July 21 by Solid-Storm6763

[basil67]

Ah, I’m so sorry - it really sounds like there was nothing left to save.  If a partner can’t even be honest, there’s simply nothing to work with.  You would never have received the closure you want.   I think that finding a lawyer and starting the next part of your life is probably the wisest choice. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman does not love you the way you say she does. Not anymore. 

I'm sorry OP, but the marriage is effectively over and she's been looking for your replacement for a while. That's why she didn't want to leave the marriage yet - she hadn't yet lined up your substitute. But it seems that she is dating someone else now and will likely make that step. 

Please speak to a lawyer. You are going to need one. 

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, would your wife be acting like you are? It is abundantly clear that your wife has no longer any respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Your insist that she continues to love you seems delusional. You just a person by their actions and not by their words.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, come out of denial. Why the heck are you sending your brother to confirm what you already knew! Shame her!  You don't shame a partner to come back to a relationship! The partner has to want to come back. What are you thinking?! Get some backbone here. 

You've been married three years. What's all the deep grieving about? Sounds to me like you guys probably had trouble starting year 1 of the marriage. BTW: high school partnerships are frequently just wrong for adult relationships. We're immature and I'll just say it--stupid! --in high school. All of us. We have no idea what human beings are really like. lots of people seem "normal" in high school only because they are surrounded by family and school and convention.

Real adults stop projecting "normal" onto partners based on how they were in high school. It takes many folks a decade into adulthood before we really decide how we want to be, how we want to live, what values we really want for ourselves. So having a connection with your wife going back to high school--sorry dude, that means NOTHING! That's like saying that performing on my high school debating society means I should be in politics or something. 

How your wife has behaved recently--all of it--that's who she is. You really gotta remove the blinders. It'll hurt but wearing the blinders is what led to the present hurt. 

If you forgive her (which sounds like you want to do) the lesson she learns is that she can get with another guy all she wants. You'll send a brother. She'll ignore the brother and put in a superficially humble call to you, and suffer no cost whatsoever running around on you. 

BTW: a huge red flag that was worth dumping her was simply the way she talked about you and your family to others! That was enough, brother! Enough to start the separation process and to face the reality that she ain't a good person for you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Solid-Storm6763]

23 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, come out of denial. Why the heck are you sending your brother to confirm what you already knew! Shame her!  You don't shame a partner to come back to a relationship! The partner has to want to come back. What are you thinking?! Get some backbone here. 

You've been married three years. What's all the deep grieving about? Sounds to me like you guys probably had trouble starting year 1 of the marriage. BTW: high school partnerships are frequently just wrong for adult relationships. We're immature and I'll just say it--stupid! --in high school. All of us. We have no idea what human beings are really like. lots of people seem "normal" in high school only because they are surrounded by family and school and convention.

Real adults stop projecting "normal" onto partners based on how they were in high school. It takes many folks a decade into adulthood before we really decide how we want to be, how we want to live, what values we really want for ourselves. So having a connection with your wife going back to high school--sorry dude, that means NOTHING! That's like saying that performing on my high school debating society means I should be in politics or something. 

How your wife has behaved recently--all of it--that's who she is. You really gotta remove the blinders. It'll hurt but wearing the blinders is what led to the present hurt. 

If you forgive her (which sounds like you want to do) the lesson she learns is that she can get with another guy all she wants. You'll send a brother. She'll ignore the brother and put in a superficially humble call to you, and suffer no cost whatsoever running around on you. 

BTW: a huge red flag that was worth dumping her was simply the way she talked about you and your family to others! That was enough, brother! Enough to start the separation process and to face the reality that she ain't a good person for you. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had no help except my brother in hometown... I knew she booked the hotel room and hoped she would give up her cheating plan after reading my letters. If I did not do that, I would have never known if she really ended up cheating or not. I knew that was not the best way but I could not come up with a better one.

[Solid-Storm6763]

5 hours ago, Bryanp said:

If the roles were reversed, would your wife be acting like you are? It is abundantly clear that your wife has no longer any respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Your insist that she continues to love you seems delusional. You just a person by their actions and not by their words.

I was saying she still loved me a month ago when she was still here, not that she still loves me after the cheating happened. But this still sounds absurd to me that a person could change completely in just a month time, from wanting to repair our relationship to cheating without telling me that she decided to separate/divorce.

[Els]

What do you mean you "verbally broke up"? That sounds a lot like you verbally said you wanted a separation, so that's what you got. While I'd never recommend that anyone get involved with a person who isn't legally divorced yet, I think it's a bit of a stretch to call it cheating if you "verbally broke up" and were apart for a whole month in that state. Most people would consider that a separation.

At any rate, I agree with those who said that there's nothing left to save here.

[Solid-Storm6763]

38 minutes ago, Els said:

What do you mean you "verbally broke up"? That sounds a lot like you verbally said you wanted a separation, so that's what you got. While I'd never recommend that anyone get involved with a person who isn't legally divorced yet, I think it's a bit of a stretch to call it cheating if you "verbally broke up" and were apart for a whole month in that state. Most people would consider that a separation.

At any rate, I agree with those who said that there's nothing left to save here.

I should've not used the words "verbally broke up". The situation was, we knew there was a possibility of divorce if we could not come to an agreement on how we deal with similar problems in future. Whether we could come to this agreement depends on our talk. We assumed we are going to have conversations in person when I go back to my hometown next month, if not over the phone before that. So the status of our relationship was not really separate until we further talked about it. 

[mark clemson]

It sounds to me like the ship has sailed. It will take you a while to process this emotionally - she has probably been processing it for several months now, so is "ahead of you" in that sense. She may also feel less "hurt" as she is the one who decided to leave.

Once you've done some emotional processing of this loss, you'll be ready for next steps. I don't advise others to divorce, but it certainly doesn't sound like there's much here that can be salvaged (or that you'd particularly want that). Perhaps this was a "young love" that you both tried to turn into a lasting marriage, but that wasn't really ready for it.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Solid-Storm6763 said:

I should've not used the words "verbally broke up". The situation was, we knew there was a possibility of divorce if we could not come to an agreement on how we deal with similar problems in future. Whether we could come to this agreement depends on our talk. We assumed we are going to have conversations in person when I go back to my hometown next month, if not over the phone before that. So the status of our relationship was not really separate until we further talked about it. 

There's a lot of "we" in your words.  But given the nature of her leaving in a situation of fury on both sides, it doesn't sound like any agreement around future discussion would have been made.   I suspect that truth is that you had these thoughts and you assumed she shared them.   

Thing is, your plans for the future were based around her changing her ways.   But when you've got a situation where she's already got one foot out the door.....and you tell her that you will only take her back if she changes, then of course she's not going to change.  People only change when a) they can see their own wrongdoing and want to do better... and b) they actually want to be with their partner

[Solid-Storm6763]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There's a lot of "we" in your words.  But given the nature of her leaving in a situation of fury on both sides, it doesn't sound like any agreement around future discussion would have been made.   I suspect that truth is that you had these thoughts and you assumed she shared them.   

Thing is, your plans for the future were based around her changing her ways.   But when you've got a situation where she's already got one foot out the door.....and you tell her that you will only take her back if she changes, then of course she's not going to change.  People only change when a) they can see their own wrongdoing and want to do better... and b) they actually want to be with their partner

She explicitly said she will meet and talk with me when I go back.

She had been promising to make the change when she was still here, but I was skeptical  when she was still trying to hide and lie in our communication. Maybe she decided to not make any change later after she was gone. Either way I would've expected her to talk to me if she has made up her mind, instead of getting laid with another man without talking to me as we should.