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Cheating, fraud, deceit


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Survivor1501

Not really sure why I’m posting.  Maybe for advice and maybe to get it off my chest.  Met a guy 2 years ago and started a relationship. I was 48 and he was 50.  It was fairly casual in that we both wanted our own space and moving in was never an option.  But also fairly intense in that we saw each other twice a week from the start and went on 11 holidays abroad inside 20 months.  Then I discovered that he was also still in a 13 relationship with who he referred to as his ex.  They didn’t live together either but also had a fairly intense relationship… more so than we did.  Then I discovered that he took us to the same bars, restaurants, holiday destinations etc - either to feed his ego or to add to the risk of being found out.   I now think everything he ever said to me was a lie.  I’m not grieving for him but I’m grieving for the fact I’ve wasted 2 years of my life believing his bullshit.  Absolute rat 

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stillafool

Sorry that happened to you that you feel you wasted 2 years of your life on this man.  Maybe it will help to think of think of the good times and experiences you had on those 11 vacations as not a waste.  How did you find out he was still in a relationship?

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Survivor1501

Thanks for your reply.  Yeah we did have some good times but now that I know what he’s been doing - they feel a bit flat, rather than good.  They were all for him and his ago rather than for “us”.  I found out cos his pal told me.  He said he couldn’t be in the middle any more and had too much respect for me than to watch him do that (more respect than he has, clearly).  Anyway, I also told his “ex” so hopefully he’s lost us both now. 

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stillafool
12 minutes ago, Survivor1501 said:

Anyway, I also told his “ex” so hopefully he’s lost us both now. 

How long ago was that and what was his response to you about talking to her?

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Survivor1501

Just a week ago so it’s still very raw.  She was devastated- naturally more so than I was - but thanked me for exposing him before turning the blame back on me.  I’m sure he’d got to her and fed her more lies about how it was my fault. 
 

he simply text me to say “thanks for telling her” before refusing my calls.  I feel like I need closure.

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I am sorry this is happening to you. 

When I discovered my ex of 5 years was a cheater I also felt I had wasted 5 years. At some point I reached out to a counselor and she asked me if I had been happy those 5 years and the answer was yes, very much. She said then those years were not wasted. She was right, nothing is wasted in life. I took those 5 years, kept the good memories and I used the betrayal to grow in a stronger and smarter woman. I am now in a 2 year relationship with a man that's an open book to me. What also helped me move on and make peace with the betrayal is that I took responsibility for ignoring some red flags like this phone always turned down, his sudden need for space on weekends, not meeting his friends & family. 

Two years is a drop in the ocean, something much better is waiting for you. 

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8 minutes ago, Survivor1501 said:

 I feel like I need closure.

That will come from within yourself with time. No one will give you closure. What ever this man may tell you it will never ever give you closure it will only bring up more questions to yourself. 

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Survivor1501

Thanks.  It’s just really raw just now.  And, yeah I have to take responsibility for ignoring the signs - which seem obvious now, but I had no reason to doubt him or be suspicious of him.  I know time will heal but I also feel he’s stolen part of my life. 

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stillafool
2 hours ago, Survivor1501 said:

Just a week ago so it’s still very raw.  She was devastated- naturally more so than I was - but thanked me for exposing him before turning the blame back on me.  I’m sure he’d got to her and fed her more lies about how it was my fault. 
 

he simply text me to say “thanks for telling her” before refusing my calls.  I feel like I need closure.

Your closure was telling his girlfriend and getting him in trouble.  You got your revenge and got rid of him at the same time.  It's doubtful you'll hear from him again so it should be easier to move on from this.

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Survivor1501
45 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Your closure was telling his girlfriend and getting him in trouble.  You got your revenge and got rid of him at the same time.  It's doubtful you'll hear from him again so it should be easier to move on from this.

It doesn’t really feel that way just now.  Almost feel like I have to have a row with him just to get over it.   It just ended with no cross words,  no argument, nothing.  One day we were together and the next we were not/. I think that’s what I’m finding difficult to process. 

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stillafool
1 hour ago, Survivor1501 said:

It doesn’t really feel that way just now.  Almost feel like I have to have a row with him just to get over it.   It just ended with no cross words,  no argument, nothing.  One day we were together and the next we were not/. I think that’s what I’m finding difficult to process. 

He's not going to argue with you because that may end in reconciliation and making up.  He knows this is for the best.  You gave him the out.

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happyhorizons
25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He's not going to argue with you because that may end in reconciliation and making up.  He knows this is for the best.  You gave him the out.

And he TOOK THE OUT.....do not forget that. 

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basil67
5 hours ago, Survivor1501 said:

It doesn’t really feel that way just now.  Almost feel like I have to have a row with him just to get over it.   It just ended with no cross words,  no argument, nothing.  One day we were together and the next we were not/. I think that’s what I’m finding difficult to process. 

I think it's a credit to you that you didn't have this devolve into an argument.     Instead, you got your information and acted sensibly and decisively and let his partner know what he'd been doing. 

You go girl!

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Survivor1501
9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I think it's a credit to you that you didn't have this devolve into an argument.     Instead, you got your information and acted sensibly and decisively and let his partner know what he'd been doing. 

You go girl!

Thanks.  Still feels very empty.  Like one day i was in a “relationship” and the next I wasn’t - without any discussion or ending, it just stopped.  I feel like I’m hanging over the end of a cliff 

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basil67
5 minutes ago, Survivor1501 said:

Thanks.  Still feels very empty.  Like one day i was in a “relationship” and the next I wasn’t - without any discussion or ending, it just stopped.  I feel like I’m hanging over the end of a cliff 

Hold on tight! 

You sound like a very strong woman, so please take care of yourself

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happyhorizons
3 hours ago, Survivor1501 said:

Thanks.  Still feels very empty.  Like one day i was in a “relationship” and the next I wasn’t - without any discussion or ending, it just stopped.  I feel like I’m hanging over the end of a cliff 

This will PASS just give yourself a little TIME. Someone new will come along and fill that void and this situation will eventually be a distant memory 

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