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Am I being insecure?


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CuriousDinguz

So recently I have noticed my girlfriend responding to my messages slower and slower as the time between responses grows from 30 minutes to 2 hours or more. As we spend time and hangout she tends to reply to this guy extremely fast and often, not to mention it seems her responses are dry two worded sentences and does not attempt to start a conversation with me often. When I ask to spend time she now more than ever tells me she is spending it with her friend. To add on to that when we do spend time, she often does not hear me or decides to ignore what I've said because she is responding to her guy friends messages. It is really concerning

Personally I feel ignored and neglected, I have spoken to her about the issue of her responding to this guy more than she responds to me and that she is spending more time with him than me and she tries to comfort me by saying that "he has a girlfriend". Now I do believe that he may have a girlfriend but that does not stop him from cheating on her, side note I know her friends and this guy she has been texting is new and could not have met for more than 2 or 3 weeks. To add on top of that, I have found her cheating in the past via flirting with other guys and not telling other guys who flirt with her that she has a boyfriend. It is rather concerning

Summary
Girlfriend is messaging and spending more time with new guy and is giving me dry responses.

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FredEire

I think if she was really flirting with other guys this is enough reason to break up with her already to be honest. What was it about the texting that you interpreted as flirting, and how did you find out?

You description of it does seem a little concerning, but it's hard to judge exactly what the reality is just from this thread.

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How old are you both and how long you've been dating?

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CuriousDinguz

So I am 24 and I have been in a relationship for the past two years. On the first year, she decided to cheat by flirting with another guy, sending flirtatious texts and has even sent nudes. I forgave her in the hopes  she would change.

So recently I asked her to tell this new guy that she has a boyfriend in a way that does not seem like she is telling him to back off, they were texting about music and I said "Hey if you can tell him that my bf likes this artist" But she refused and got mad. 

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FredEire
9 minutes ago, CuriousDinguz said:

So I am 24 and I have been in a relationship for the past two years. On the first year, she decided to cheat by flirting with another guy, sending flirtatious texts and has even sent nudes. I forgave her in the hopes  she would change.

So recently I asked her to tell this new guy that she has a boyfriend in a way that does not seem like she is telling him to back off, they were texting about music and I said "Hey if you can tell him that my bf likes this artist" But she refused and got mad. 

Nah man, sending another guy nudes, seriously? She automatically struck out there, move on.

In future though I'd stay away from the urge to look through private messages etc. There has to be a certain level of trust on both ends. Open and honest communication is the healthy way through problems.

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41 minutes ago, CuriousDinguz said:

she decided to cheat by flirting with another guy, sending flirtatious texts and has even sent nudes

This is the type of things you break up over when you've only been dating a year. 

I am sorry to say she is again up to no good. It's time to breakup and search for a better girlfriend.

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CuriousDinguz
5 hours ago, FredEire said:

Nah man, sending another guy nudes, seriously? She automatically struck out there, move on.

In future though I'd stay away from the urge to look through private messages etc. There has to be a certain level of trust on both ends. Open and honest communication is the healthy way through problems.

Yeah I try my best to give privacy but when I became suspicious of how she reacted towards me with zero intimacy and constant anger and hatred towards me for no real reason I began doubting the relationship. As such I questioned her, of course she lied but then I found out from one of my friends that she was trying to flirt with some guy. That's when I asked to show me her phone. 

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FredEire
18 minutes ago, CuriousDinguz said:

Yeah I try my best to give privacy but when I became suspicious of how she reacted towards me with zero intimacy and constant anger and hatred towards me for no real reason I began doubting the relationship. As such I questioned her, of course she lied but then I found out from one of my friends that she was trying to flirt with some guy. That's when I asked to show me her phone. 

Ok, it's a little bit better than you asked her directly instead of sneaking around.

Still, toxic stuff with no trust. Better left well alone.

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Gebidozo
13 hours ago, CuriousDinguz said:

So I am 24 and I have been in a relationship for the past two years. On the first year, she decided to cheat by flirting with another guy, sending flirtatious texts and has even sent nudes. I forgave her in the hopes  she would change.

So recently I asked her to tell this new guy that she has a boyfriend in a way that does not seem like she is telling him to back off, they were texting about music and I said "Hey if you can tell him that my bf likes this artist" But she refused and got mad. 

Dude, I think that you should break up with her.

Cheating is something that a lot of people wouldn’t even forgive once. You forgave her, but is she willing to change? Clearly not. She should be wonderful to you to make up for the cheating, but instead she shows zero remorse and even blames you.

Chatting with guy friends is ok, but there must be clear boundaries, and she hasn’t been respecting them all the time you’ve been in this relationship.

I don’t see how this can be fixed, she is clearly too immature to have a serious, committed relationship.

 

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CuriousDinguz
Posted (edited)
On 5/31/2024 at 1:05 PM, Gebidozo said:

Dude, I think that you should break up with her.

Cheating is something that a lot of people wouldn’t even forgive once. You forgave her, but is she willing to change? Clearly not. She should be wonderful to you to make up for the cheating, but instead she shows zero remorse and even blames you.

Chatting with guy friends is ok, but there must be clear boundaries, and she hasn’t been respecting them all the time you’ve been in this relationship.

I don’t see how this can be fixed, she is clearly too immature to have a serious, committed relationship.

 

Followed most of your guys advice and broke up with her, any tips on moving on? Genuinely heartbroken and don't want to go work. Loss my appetite as well. I should be studying for my exams but I can't find the energy to do it

Edited by CuriousDinguz
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Nellea

How old are you guys? 
I feel like her behaviour is very immature and it’s obviously difficult for you to have a normal adult conversation with her about her behaviour. I’m not sure what the age gap between you is but maturity wise she is acting like a 17 year old who is dating around and totally unsure of what she wants, and you are acting like a 30 year old who actually wants a more stable serious connection and relationship with someone. 

I’m sorry to say this but I don’t see it working out. I think you should consider breaking up.

There are many women in this world who would be on the same page as you, and would be lucky to have you!

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Nellea
23 hours ago, CuriousDinguz said:

Followed most of your guys advice and broke up with her, any tips on moving on? Genuinely heartbroken and don't want to go work. Loss my appetite as well. I should be studying for my exams but I can't find the energy to do it

I only just saw this!

you did the right thing 👍It’s just not ok for her to treat you this way.

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Gebidozo
23 hours ago, CuriousDinguz said:

Followed most of your guys advice and broke up with her, any tips on moving on? Genuinely heartbroken and don't want to go work. Loss my appetite as well. I should be studying for my exams but I can't find the energy to do it

This is a completely normal reaction to a heartbreak. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do right now to stop the pain, but you might be able to dull it a bit and accelerate the process of healing.

The most important thing is to stay busy. I know you don’t want to go to work or study, but you have to force yourself. You’ll feel better when you’re busy, it’s essential to keep your energies flowing.

If work and study are too hard, keep yourself busy with hobbies. Sports, traveling, hanging out with buddies, watching TV,, playing video games, whatever you like, do more of that. Eat more comfort food. Start learning a new musical instrument, a new language, get a new hobby. Seek solace in your religion if you have one, deepen your spirituality if you don’t.

Read books about relationships and breakups, hang on online forums such as this one, where people discuss such things. Knowing that your case isn’t the worst, that everyone has gone through breakups and survived, that many people had much more devastating breakups will help.  

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FredEire
On 6/1/2024 at 4:11 AM, CuriousDinguz said:

Followed most of your guys advice and broke up with her, any tips on moving on? Genuinely heartbroken and don't want to go work. Loss my appetite as well. I should be studying for my exams but I can't find the energy to do it

Keep your head up man, it's one of the worst feelings there is.

Over the coming weeks you'll start to remember the good times, the little moments you shared etc. You just have to remind yourself she was completely out of line and you broke up for a good reason. Whatever you do DON'T CONTACT HER. I also advise block her on social media and don't try and check up to see if she's with other guys, that's her business now.

As for the feeling itself, you're just going to need time. Could be a month, could be 3 years, it depends on the depth of your connection how long you'll take to recover. But you'll get there.

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She was using you as back up or a placeholder while flirting and texting with other guys.

If you can take a couple of days off work that would be ideal without causing attention or any negative impact on your performance. Ironically I found work to be a great distraction during a break up (during my divorce). This will pass and you’ll meet someone new eventually. Two years is awhile so I’d give yourself lots of time to feel sad and reach out to friends and family. Read and post on the forums if it helps and update this thread. 

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Remind yourself the horrible feeling will pass, even when the relationship wasn't the best, breakups hurt. Feel bad over the weekend then go to work, it's important to not sink in your emotional distress. Spend time with people that really love you.

Hang in there, you made the right decision. You will meet someone much more worthy of your love.

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FredEire
53 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Remind yourself the horrible feeling will pass, even when the relationship wasn't the best, breakups hurt. Feel bad over the weekend then go to work, it's important to not sink in your emotional distress. Spend time with people that really love you.

Hang in there, you made the right decision. You will meet someone much more worthy of your love.

Yes, there's a lot of feelings involved in a breakup, as it's a kind of death so the grieving process works in the same way.

Loss it the primary on, but beneath these are lots of sadness and rage. You need to try and inhabit those feelings so as to process them rather than sinking into a depression.

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