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I've ended a 8 year affair but it's killing me


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Gina1011

I’m having what people would most likely refer to as an affair, this isn’t something we have labeled it. It feels a lot like intense friendship to a level or care and affection. 

I’ve been married 20 and he’s been married 24, we both have children and wholeheartedly say we love our partners. We have known each other since childhood and always been extremely close. We lost touch over the initial few years of our marriages but got in contact again a few years later. It was all platonic, congratulating on becoming parents ect ect. 
 

2020 things switched a little, we began talking of the sexual chemistry between, and what sex would be like if we were ever to do it. At this point it was all a fantasy and a giggle to get through the day. As the year went on pictures and videos was exchanged, cutting it short k wanted more but he refused. He said he couldn’t do it to his wife and he didn’t want to lose me as a friend. I appreciated the honestly and was pleased one of us had our head screwed on. 
 

I never mentioned anything sexual again, and it was like the whole year was forgotten and we just carried on as friends. Then out of no where, out of no flirting, no photos, no sexual communication we slept together. Then the past year it’s happened 5 times. Neither time was planned, but I think we know if we are alone there is a good chance of it happening, though we don’t voice this beforehand. Might I add, there has been lots of times we’ve spent alone and nothing has happened. The sex is out of this world amazing, I didn’t even know I could squirt until I had sex with him. 
 

im unsure if we are getting attached to the sex or each other, the sex is very wild, but passionate, lots of kissing and afterwards he holds me and kisses me. But of course we can never stay the night. 
 

I think about him everyday, I speak to him almost daily, he’s part of me but he isn’t. When does this end? We’ve never spoke of love, or running away. And maintain we are happy within our marriages. I live my husband, but sexually he doesn’t make me feel like the other man does. 

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ExpatInItaly
17 minutes ago, Gina1011 said:

most likely refer to as an affair, this isn’t something we have labeled it. It feels a lot like intense friendship

Firstly, it is absolutely an affair. It is not "intense friendship." You are both blatantly cheating on your spouses, but I can see where you are trying to emotionally distance yourself form the notion that you both being unfaithful. 

18 minutes ago, Gina1011 said:

When does this end?

When one of you gets caught. Or, when he starts to feel guilty and distances himself from you. It's not going to end well, in any case. 

 

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Sony12

OP you say you have been married for twenty years yet your age range says you are in the 25-34 age range. That doesn't add up unless you got married when you were still likely living under your parents roof?

Are you older than your age range says or are their parts of this story and your online persona that you aren't being honest about?

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Gina1011

I’m not putting my genuine age on here, I don’t see how my age matters… the facts are above. Thanks for reading 

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Sony12
4 minutes ago, Gina1011 said:

I’m not putting my genuine age on here, I don’t see how my age matters… the facts are above. Thanks for reading 

Ok. People like to come into this section of the forum and make up stories so I try to look through things to see if the story makes sense.

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Gina1011
3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Firstly, it is absolutely an affair. It is not "intense friendship." You are both blatantly cheating on your spouses, but I can see where you are trying to emotionally distance yourself form the notion that you both being unfaithful. 

When one of you gets caught. Or, when he starts to feel guilty and distances himself from you. It's not going to end well, in any case. 

 

 

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Firstly, it is absolutely an affair. It is not "intense friendship." You are both blatantly cheating on your spouses, but I can see where you are trying to emotionally distance yourself form the notion that you both being unfaithful. 

Thank you for the reply: I know people will believe that statement to be untrue, but until you’re in it it’s hard to associate with. In my head; affairs are love, they are secret hotels and flats, with sexy lingerie and basically a whole relationship off the back of your primary one. 
 

this with us is genuine friendship, he says I’m his best friend and he’s definitely mine. There is no one I can talk to or tell things too like him, our souls just connect. We have never planned sex, and I would never do anything to internally harm his marriage. I’m confused what we are, what he is to me and what I am to him. I even ended up pregnant a few months ago, and if that didn’t complicate things enough I don’t know what will. 

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stillafool
22 minutes ago, Gina1011 said:

In my head; affairs are love, they are secret hotels and flats, with sexy lingerie and basically a whole relationship off the back of your primary one. 

Most affairs are more about lust than love. The truth definitely matters when telling your story here if you want the best advice.  We are strangers who will never meet you so telling your real ages shouldn't affect you.

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Gina1011
7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Most affairs are more about lust than love. The truth definitely matters when telling your story here if you want the best advice.  We are strangers who will never meet you so telling your real ages shouldn't affect you.

That’s what I’m unsure of, isit lust, isit love, isit sex, is it escape, is it a mental breakdown, is it mutual. 
 

can lust last 20 years, becus I know how I feel is how I’ve always felt, I would never ever so much as talk to another man and be dishonest with my husband, but with him it doesn’t feel like cheating, it feels so right. I know it’s from, but it doesn’t feel wrong. 
 

would I really risk a life I love for just lust, or sex or something so insignificant. 

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goldengirls

Affairs usually end badly… it causes a lot of heartache to lots of people.  You, him, the spouse, children that are already present…. 

has he talked about leaving his wife and does he want you to leave your husband? Is he wanting a relationship with you or just to keep a fling going? 

if not, he could just be enjoying the attention and time away from his wife.  

are you still pregnant and if so, do you know if it’s his or your husbands? 

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Gina1011

Thanks for the non judgmental comment. No he doesn’t ever say he will leave his wife or ask me to leave my husband. Our children are very young still, his especially and I know he would never break up the family due to them, and also the fact I genuinely know he loves his wife. He’s had the same job since high school (although he’s now manger) it’s the same company, he’s lived in the same house, and had the same wife, he very much doesn’t like change. 
 

I also would never leave my husband, I know my affair partner has more flaws than my husband, and I’m better off with my husband, and I do love him dearly. He does say that if life was different we could be something, and does mention in the future (I assume meaning when the kids have grew up and left home) we can be together. How much of this is true I don’t know, but I don’t feel he needs to say this just to keep me around. There has never been any promises made to each other by either of us. 
 

as for the pregnancy, I am no longer pregnant. The baby would be here by now if I had kept it. It was 100% my affair partners, me and my partner use contraception, and like I mentioned sex with the other man was never planned, so we was caught off guard, I got the dates mixed up and assumed I was safe to avoid pregnancy but turns out I wasn’t. I wanted to keep the baby, I’m against abortion regardless but more so becus it was his. It was a part of him that would be mine for ever. He didn’t get angry about the situation and remained very mature. He said the decision was mine and he’ll stand by what ever decision I go with. I thought it was in the best interest of everyone to get rid of the baby, despite me longing for even now. The pregnancy and abortion brought us closer together. He said afterwards he had hoped I kept it, and was ready for the truth to come out. I don’t believe he meant leaving his wife and running away with me and the baby, but I think he meant, his wife finding out and him begging her to stay, stating I was a one off mistake ect ect, and potentially ending my relationship, and so he would have me on my own with his child, and his wife by his side. I haven’t told him that’s what I think, I know he would be horrified by that statement. 

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Gina1011
26 minutes ago, goldengirls said:

Affairs usually end badly… it causes a lot of heartache to lots of people.  You, him, the spouse, children that are already present…. 

has he talked about leaving his wife and does he want you to leave your husband? Is he wanting a relationship with you or just to keep a fling going? 

if not, he could just be enjoying the attention and time away from his wife.  

are you still pregnant and if so, do you know if it’s his or your husbands? 

I posted a reply below 

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Gina1011
5 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Ok. People like to come into this section of the forum and make up stories so I try to look through things to see if the story makes sense.

Ah ok. That’s not me, I don’t have the time or energy to make up stories. I’m here as a last resort as there is no one atall in my life I can open up too. 

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Gina1011

So I tend not to read the long essays on here so I will keep it short; but if anyone has any questions to make it cleared I can answer. 
 

we are both married, and have been having an emotional affair for around 7 years, just over a year ago it turned physical….. though this is where I’m confused. Is it an affair, this isn’t something we have labeled it or ever refered too. We say we are best friends, that’s how we got so close, through friendship. 
 

we have slept together 5 times in total in just over a year, which isn’t a lot given the opportunities we could have taken to make it more. No time what so ever was planned in any form of communication, though I will say on the past few times we both know that us alone could potentially lead to something. 
 

the thing is he is genuinely my best friend, I have known him since I was 14, I care about him, I always have, and I have love for him the same I would any friend I’ve known over 20 years. Yes I’m attracted to him emotionally and sexually which is different to a normal friend, but still I’m referring to friendship as that’s how it feels. 
 

im confused if this between us, a series of 5 accidents, that wasn’t planned, and we both know is wrong, is classed as an affair or a string of unhealthy choices. To me, affairs are full blown love relationships off the back of the primary one. Where the couple have a hidden flat, and meet in hotels, and engage in regular replanned sex with sexy underwear ect ect, this is the absolute opposite to us. And I’m beginning to realise just how complex and complicated life really is 😔 

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Bryanp

How do you think your husband would react if he somehow found out about your affair? Would it lead to divorce?

How do you think you would react if the roles were reversed?  Good Luck.

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Oldenuff2know
5 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

affairs are love, they are secret hotels and flats, with sexy lingerie and basically a whole relationship off the back of your primary one. 

Wrong. Affairs (emotional and physical) are cheating on your spouse. Period. There are varying degrees, but they are cheating. You can say you don't consider what you're doing an "affair". Fine. Refer to it as cheating, plain and simple. When will it end? I don't know, but I bet it will end badly, not only for him and you, but for your spouses and most especially your kids. 

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Oldenuff2know

I already answered this in your other thread. Regardless of how you want to classify the emotional connection and the 5 physical interactions, it's cheating and you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead of wondering how it will end, could you try to imagine what would happen if/when his wife finds out, or if/when your husband finds out? How about your kids? How would this impact them? My girls were young when their father cheated (he was caught "red handed" by our middle daughter at 5 years old when I was pregnant with our youngest). I stayed another 17 years. It was never the same and now, my daughters are estranged from their father (which is heartbreaking to me.) Please tread carefully. My ex-husband's cheating was 28 years ago and I still see the repercussions today. 

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ExpatInItaly
6 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

In my head; affairs are love, they are secret hotels and flats, with sexy lingerie and basically a whole relationship off the back of your primary one. 

Why don't you ask your husband how he defines an affair?

Anyway, it doesn't really matter what you call it. Cheating is cheating. And that is exactly what you are doing, regardless of what sort of friendship you believe you have with this man. 

6 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

I’m confused what we are, what he is to me and what I am to him

Does it matter? That's a genuine question. If neither of you plans to leave your marriage, why is it important for you to understand what you mean to him?

6 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

I even ended up pregnant a few months ago, and if that didn’t complicate things enough I don’t know what will. 

Well, one of your spouses finding out and blowing up your world. Your life as you know it today would be gone. Have you thought about what you will do if your husband discovers this and dumps you? 

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basil67

I notice that you're not here to ask questions.  Instead, you've delivered a story for people to comment on.

What exactly are you wanting from us?  As you've rejected all sensible advice, I'm really not sure what you're after.   

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basil67

What you are having is most certainly an affair.  

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BaileyB
Posted (edited)

For me, a mistake is forgetting to buy milk at the grocery store or leaving the door open and the dog got out.

A seven year emotional affair that becomes sexual is not a mistake - it is a series of decisions that has lead to a betrayal that will very incredibly hurtful to your families when discovered. That’s not a mistake - to say that this is a “friendship” that has become physical or to believe that you have made a “mistake” is minimizing the situation in a way that defies logic…

Edited by BaileyB
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goldengirls

Friends don’t sleep with each other while married to other people. 
bad choices our not, it’s cheating and multiple sexual encounters will indicate it’s an affair. 
call it what you want, at the end of the day, it’s cheating and wrong. 
both your spouses would call this an affair, why are you not?

ask your husband and have him ask his wife what they would call it?

they wouldn’t care to label it bc it’s cheating either way you look at it.  
if you choose to sneak around and meet a “friend” for a long period of time and have sex with them, it’s an AFFAIR. 
Your situation might not be the romantic affair you hear about where they are both madly in love with each other and can’t stay away from each other.. but nonetheless you are having sex with someone else behind your husbands back and I guarantee he would at it’s an affair. 
Cheating, willingly have sex, secret conversations…. It’s all still wrong. 

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BaileyB
Posted (edited)

No, friends don’t have sex while married to other people. 

Physical intimacy is what distinguishes a friendship from a romantic relationship. Although clearly, you have accepted OP that you have crossed boundaries and been in an emotional affair for seven years… Generally, any relationship conducted in secret without the knowledge or in the presence of your spouse shows a lack of appropriate boundaries. 

Edited by BaileyB
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basil67
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

To me, affairs are full blown love relationships off the back of the primary one. Where the couple have a hidden flat, and meet in hotels, and engage in regular replanned sex with sexy underwear ect ect, this is the absolute opposite to us

I think an affair is when two people, where at least one is already in a relationship, start messing about with each other's ugly bits

Edited by basil67
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BaileyB
3 hours ago, Gina1011 said:

And I’m beginning to realise just how complex and complicated life really is 😔 

It’s actually not that complicated…

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basil67
11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s actually not that complicated…

Indeed.  You only feel like it's complicated because you're making all these excuses in your head

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