Does it Sound Like She's Cheating (The Missing Rose)

[lifestudent77]

About a month ago, at some point during sex, I asked her to get the rose toy that she was gifted by a female coworker she befriended. She said that she didn't have it anymore as she gave it away to someone she didn't name. A red flag went off but I played it cool. She may have used it twice with me when she first got it 4 yrs ago, and to my knowledge, she wasn't actively using it when I'm not around, so it's reasonable that she may have decided that she had no need for it. But a quick search seemed to confirm my suspicion that it's not normal for women to give their used toys away, plus the fact that she never said anything about it until I asked her. Whose place is it at??? 

I'm not one of those people that naively swears that MY wife would never cheat, as I never underestimate humans, but my gut wants to say no. She's almost always where she says she's going, is a major homebody for the most part, so maybe these are just oddities over time. Over the years, there have been random male clothing items (undershirt and sock pairs) that have magically appeared in the laundry, but she's been known to pay to have our laundry washed and folded at laundromats when they pile up, so it's possible that stray items have landed in our pile at random times. I've let it be known in one way or another that they weren't mine and she'll give a reply along the lines of not knowing how they got in there, but I've seen her wearing the socks also, which I found strange because she's almost manic about using other people stuff- but she's notorious for grabbing any socks she gets her hands on, too. 

During a big argument with her 19 yr old stepdaughter, she insinuated that my wife, prior to me, had an ongoing sexual relationship with a guy that I knew of, because she told me that she had a buddy-buddy relationship with a close friend of her deceased cousin that she was close to. I knew that they would talk on the phone every blue moon and he is married, she knows the wife, and she's insisted that there's no physical attraction there (although her last relationship involved a guy that wasn't a "looker"). Between my wife and her daughter, I don't know who's telling the truth, honestly. I did some sleuthing to find his number and checked the call logs and find that although the conversations weren't frequent,  they were in spurts and there were more there than I expected to find, with many being during her morning drive time to work. We had one of our biggest arguments when I confronted her about it, and to this day, she won't let me live down the fact that I didn't trust her, and snuck into the call logs to try to bust her- off the word of her lying daughter. She told me that she would let him know to end all communications for the sake of her marriage and that he understood, and they no longer talk. I haven't checked since (4 years ago).

Our marriage has had much to desire and although we get along for the most part, it seems like neither one of us are really happy with the status quo. We share a son and he's probably the glue holding us together. She complains about me making time for her, and my complaint is that I probably endure enough emotional labor to turn me off (and I work a lot and in school so time is an issue as well). In arguments/spirited discussions, she's casually brought up infidelity in a way to hang over my head that fact that she's not cheating despite my lack of attention, and I once did admit that I I'd understand (due to lack of intimacy) if it happened- which she brings up as reminder that I validated her point and need to step it up. 

Her mother has been known to lie and her daughter is a notorious liar, I'm pretty sure she's lied to me about minor things to wiggle out of accountability, so it would go either way and it runs in the family apparently lol. She'll never fess up and part of me doesn't care if she's guilty because I have one foot out the door anyways. We've built a life together better than we initially had and I want my son to experience a stable household, so I would like things to improve. I'm just tired of holding the bag of everything that's wrong in our marriage as if I don't have feelings that need to be considered as well. 

Sorry for being so verbose but I just wanted to paint the picture as best as I could, and perhaps infidelity isn't the glaring issue here, now that I reread...

Btw, I haven't had any allegations of cheating since we've been married aside from her feelings that I must be because I seem aloof to her, which is not due to any infidelity on my part.  

[Bryanp]

This certainly seems disturbing. You sound like you don't want the rest of your life to be this way. The question then is what are you willing to do to change it. I wish you luck.

[Gebidozo]

OP, whether she actually cheated or not is less of a problem than your entire description of your marriage. 

Both if you sound mistrustful, unfulfilled, not particularly happy. 

This:

8 hours ago, lifestudent77 said:

she's casually brought up infidelity in a way to hang over my head that fact that she's not cheating despite my lack of attention, and I once did admit that I I'd understand (due to lack of intimacy) if it happened

is a real red flag.

You’ve been neglecting her and now she’s threatening and emotionally blackmailing you. You guys have to solve that problem regardless of any allegations of infidelity.

[lifestudent77]

25 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, whether she actually cheated or not is less of a problem than your entire description of your marriage. 

Both if you sound mistrustful, unfulfilled, not particularly happy. 

This:

is a real red flag.

You’ve been neglecting her and now she’s threatening and emotionally blackmailing you. You guys have to solve that problem regardless of any allegations of infidelity.

I've pretty much been carefree and trusting of her for the vast majority of the marriage. I let the thing go with her cousin's male friend, the clothing is something that I cannot prove so I don't harp on it, finding out that a used (though low mileage) sex toy is no longer in the house because she gave it to an unnamed friend is fishy to me, and I'm just looking at the big picture and wondering. I can handle a revelation of infidelity, but perhaps my male ego wants to be on guard against being taken for a fool. Part of me feels like a big obstacle to progress is the fact that she approaches every issue as if she's done everything by the book (or has a good reason -me- if not) in our relationship, so the onus is on me to do better. This would be humbling for her, and I feel that some of that is needed here. I hope that doesn't come off too adversarial, for lack of better words.  

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, lifestudent77 said:

I've pretty much been carefree and trusting of her for the vast majority of the marriage. I let the thing go with her cousin's male friend, the clothing is something that I cannot prove so I don't harp on it, finding out that a used (though low mileage) sex toy is no longer in the house because she gave it to an unnamed friend is fishy to me, and I'm just looking at the big picture and wondering. I can handle a revelation of infidelity, but perhaps my male ego wants to be on guard against being taken for a fool. Part of me feels like a big obstacle to progress is the fact that she approaches every issue as if she's done everything by the book (or has a good reason -me- if not) in our relationship, so the onus is on me to do better. This would be humbling for her, and I feel that some of that is needed here. I hope that doesn't come off too adversarial, for lack of better words.  

How can you be carefree and trusting if she tells you that she isn’t cheating despite your lack of attention? That means, at the very least, that she is considering cheating as a valid reaction to your neglect of her.

It almost sounds like you want to prove her infidelity, so that she’ll be the guilty one and you won’t be blamed for the problems in your marriage.

 

[MsJayne]

A hand-me-down sex toy? 😬  Who does that? 🤢  Why would her daughter (stepdaughter? It’s unclear), make an untrue statement about that guy out of the blue? Are they men’s socks that she adopted from the hopelessly incompetent laundromat whose repeat offences have donated various men’s clothes to your household? She’s probably not cheating, but you both sound unhappy so maybe discuss whether separation is what you both secretly want. 

[mark clemson]

To me the things you describe sound like symptoms of a marriage where your issues/patterns of interaction are causing you to slowly drift apart. It sounds like you could probably use a marriage therapist if you want to try to hold this together.

You could consider whether you need to sit and contemplate and really decide what you want. I am not advising you to divorce - but, if you're REALLY only staying in the marriage/working on it to provide "a stable environment for you son"  - is that reason enough for you?