fred123 Posted May 16 Share Posted May 16 Hi. Iv been on 2 dates with a girl. Long great dates and we have spoken a lot on the phone before and during. We have though barely kissed when iv dropped her home and not sure if she is into me. Since the second date she called me the next day and I talked to her about whether there was physical chemistry cos we havnt really kissed properly. She said I should have made the move and I said that everytime she leaves quickly from my car so I can't. Anyways we have plans next Sat for my birthday and to watch the football and go away for a weekend trip. But since the second date she has been busy and iv asked twice for dinner during the week. She hasn't called me in 5 days but has said she's excited about the birthday plans. That would mean it would be 2 weeks since I last saw her for our next date. Is she into me or using me? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 (edited) * Don't ask women if they feel physical chemistry with you! Just date them! and give it 3-4 dates. Some women need a couple of dates to make up their mind if they feel attraction or not. That question would have turned me off big time. Looks like it turned her off too. * You go away for a weekend trip with someone you've met twice? why? Why must you burn the candle by both ends? * Using you for what? Are you paying for her part of the trip? Edited May 17 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 OP, never, ever ask a woman about physical chemistry or anything like that. You should do things, not ask about them. If you ask a woman such things it comes across as insecurity and even cowardice, traits that women really don’t like in men. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 I’m shocked that she has agreed to go away for a weekend trip with you when you have only been on two dates and you’ve not really kissed. That said, if she makes plans to go out with you again - she’s interested… And finally, as Gaeta said, don’t ask a woman if she feels physical chemistry. If she is, she will give you signs - eye contact, laughing, touching you, etc… Just roll with it, give it time to develop naturally… no need to force anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted May 17 Share Posted May 17 On 5/16/2024 at 12:44 PM, fred123 said: Hi. Iv been on 2 dates with a girl. Long great dates and we have spoken a lot on the phone before and during. We have though barely kissed when iv dropped her home and not sure if she is into me. Since the second date she called me the next day and I talked to her about whether there was physical chemistry cos we havnt really kissed properly. She said I should have made the move and I said that everytime she leaves quickly from my car so I can't. Anyways we have plans next Sat for my birthday and to watch the football and go away for a weekend trip. But since the second date she has been busy and iv asked twice for dinner during the week. She hasn't called me in 5 days but has said she's excited about the birthday plans. That would mean it would be 2 weeks since I last saw her for our next date. Is she into me or using me? I don't think she's "using" you but she pretty much spelled it out for you. She was probably disappointed by your lack of initiative and her interest is waning because of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fred123 Posted June 22 Author Share Posted June 22 Iv spent over 1000 dollars on two dates. She didn't pay for anything. I'm paying for my whole birthday weekend trip. I didn't ask her whether she was physically into me. I said to her I'm not sure there is a physical connection. I feel used for fancy dates. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 (edited) 2 hours ago, fred123 said: Iv spent over 1000 dollars on two dates. She didn't pay for anything. I'm paying for my whole birthday weekend trip. I didn't ask her whether she was physically into me. I said to her I'm not sure there is a physical connection. I feel used for fancy dates. Why would you spend this much money on someone you barely know? Heck, outside of special occasions, why would you spend it with a woman you know well? I've been with my partner for decades and I can count on one hand the amount of times we've spent $500 on a meal. And don't go on a birthday trip with someone you barely know and are unsure of their commitment to a relationship with you. With regards to feeling used, did she ask for you to take her to these places? Or did you suggest them? Edited June 22 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 8 hours ago, fred123 said: Iv spent over 1000 dollars on two dates. She didn't pay for anything. I'm paying for my whole birthday weekend trip. Did you offer to spend that much money, or did she ask for it? If you did it voluntarily and are ok with it, there can be no “using” to speak of. Did she offer to pay for anything? If she keeps accepting stuff from you without buying anything at all for you, I’d consider that a red flag. 8 hours ago, fred123 said: I said to her I'm not sure there is a physical connection. This is still not something you should be asking. That kind of question might kill a physical connection if it had existed in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 (edited) You will never know if this girl really likes you that much at all until you stop spending that kind of money on her. You are basically her sugar daddy at this point. Even if she doesn't like you she would still hang out with someone who is spending that kind of money on her. Edited June 22 by Sony12 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 11 hours ago, fred123 said: Iv spent over 1000 dollars on two dates. She didn't pay for anything. You have a history of doing that and you must know now you can't buy a person's feeling. She's not using you, you are doing this to yourself. I would not pay a trip to someone who ignored me 5 days straight. Cancel the trip. I know you're hoping it's gonna get you sex but it won't and you're gonna be back here complaining about being used. Link to post Share on other sites
Sony12 Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 (edited) Women will at times use sex to hopefully get a guy to fancy them. And a guy will at times use money to hopefully get a lady he likes to fancy them. When they end up not reciprocating those feelings they can feel used. However all the person they are giving those things to is doing is taking what is being offered to them. It's on the person who is that giving of themselves to change their approach to getting people to like them. Edited June 22 by Sony12 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 22 Share Posted June 22 You talk to YOURSELF about the lack of physical chemistry--just like you talk to yourself about whether you like someone in the first place. You don't have a conversation with a new person and say "I'm not sure we like each other." You simply stop hanging with the person. I see no signs that there is romantic chemistry between you two. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 On 5/16/2024 at 6:44 AM, fred123 said: Anyways we have plans next Sat for my birthday and to watch the football and go away for a weekend trip. Why are you going away on a weekend trip with a girl that you have only met twice, who you have never kissed - who you don’t actually know if she is interested in a relationship with you? There is such a thing as taking your time to get to know someone and letting the relationship grow naturally, as one’s interest and comfort level grow… Why the need to force it and move so quickly - it’s going to backfire on you. It may have already backfired, if she is not communicating… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 (edited) On 6/21/2024 at 8:29 PM, fred123 said: Iv spent over 1000 dollars on two dates. She didn't pay for anything. That’s ridiculous and that’s your problem… I’ve been with my partner for eight years - we have never, ever spent this kind of money on a date. On 6/21/2024 at 8:29 PM, fred123 said: I'm paying for my whole birthday weekend trip. It’s way too soon and it’s way too much. On 6/21/2024 at 8:29 PM, fred123 said: I didn't ask her whether she was physically into me. I said to her I'm not sure there is a physical connection. It’s essentially the same thing. This would cause any woman to pause - it’s not a statement that you want to make to a woman when you are trying to build a relationship. On 6/21/2024 at 8:29 PM, fred123 said: I feel used for fancy dates. That’s because you are trying to buy a woman’s affection. Stop doing that and you won’t feel “used.” You will know better if there is a genuine interest/connection. If you feel used, that’s on you. This is very, very poor judgment on your part - a very poor decision to spend that kind of money on someone that you do not even know. Edited June 23 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 23 minutes ago, BaileyB said: That’s ridiculous and that’s your problem… I’ve been with my partner for eight years - we have never, ever spent this kind of money on a date. It’s way too soon and it’s way too much. It’s essentially the same thing. This would cause any woman to pause - it’s not a statement that you want to make to a woman when you are trying to build a relationship. That’s because you are trying to buy a woman’s affection. Stop doing that and you won’t feel “used.” You will know better if there is a genuine interest/connection. If you feel used, that’s on you. This is very, very poor judgment on your part - a very poor decision to spend that kind of money on someone that you do not even know. Indeed. Spending thousands of dollars on trips is something you reserve for your 60th wedding anniversary when you know the woman is your life partner and you have enough funds saved up from your pension etc. Used and played? You've played yourself. It doesn't matter a damn how beautiful and physically out of your league you might think she is, you don't know anything about her and there's as much chance she's your worst nightmare as your life partner at this stage. If she's actually looking for a boyfriend and not just a sugar daddy to milk for every penny the grand gestures will put her off as you're not showing any respect for yourself, the over-investment comes off foolish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 22 minutes ago, FredEire said: The grand gestures will put her off as you're not showing any respect for yourself It’s also not showing any respect for her. If a man spends too much money on a woman and then asks - “why has we not gotten physical?” Well, that would make me run, not walk, away from any potential relationship. Of course, there are some women who would not shy away but I don’t know that these women are the kind of women with whom you would want to build a long term relationship… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 11 minutes ago, BaileyB said: It’s also not showing any respect for her. If a man spends too much money on a woman and then asks - “why has we not gotten physical?” Well, that would make me run, not walk, away from any potential relationship. Of course, there are some women who would not shy away but I don’t know that these women are the kind of women with whom you would want to build a long term relationship… No, it comes across like you regard her as a high-class escort. The amount of men who desire to get older and be a sugar daddy mystifies me. If you think you'll be happy with a loveless relationship where you're getting sexual favours for money good for you I guess. I wouldn't go anywhere near it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 1 minute ago, FredEire said: No, it comes across like you regard her as a high-class escort. The amount of men who desire to get older and be a sugar daddy mystifies me. If you think you'll be happy with a loveless relationship where you're getting sexual favours for money good for you I guess. I wouldn't go anywhere near it. I’ve never seen a sugar daddy kind of relationship in real life. All my male friends, myself included, have never understood why anyone would pay a woman to pretend to be with him. That said, I do like grand financial gestures, but I only do them when I’m absolutely sure that the woman I do them for loves me. I’d never do them to impress a woman, that’s just gross. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: I’ve never seen a sugar daddy kind of relationship in real life. All my male friends, myself included, have never understood why anyone would pay a woman to pretend to be with him. That said, I do like grand financial gestures, but I only do them when I’m absolutely sure that the woman I do them for loves me. I’d never do them to impress a woman, that’s just gross. I assume it's mostly men who value power a lot more than love. Not only gross but incredibly needy, it says you don't have faith that you are enough without the money backing you up. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 1 hour ago, Gebidozo said: I’ve never seen a sugar daddy kind of relationship in real life. All my male friends, myself included, have never understood why anyone would pay a woman to pretend to be with him. That said, I do like grand financial gestures, but I only do them when I’m absolutely sure that the woman I do them for loves me. I’d never do them to impress a woman, that’s just gross. The reality is and I apologise OP for going slightly off topic, some guys simply have zero luck at dating, something like this gives them at least some degree of normal, albeit very false. OP I think you have over invested here but you again if you wanted to treat her with no expectations then you are absolutely fine, I think many people have gone down this road to try and impress someone but you cannot expect physical relations because of it. Also asking such blunt questions is not going to win you any favour either, I'd like to think if someone makes an attempt to spend time with you, its because they like your company rather than what you can provide but this is not always so. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 1 hour ago, FredEire said: I assume it's mostly men who value power a lot more than love. Not only gross but incredibly needy, it says you don't have faith that you are enough without the money backing you up. Or its people who simply are terrible/unattractive at dating or want to date people who probably would not ordinarily date them for whatever reason. Sure, it might be power but it depends what your perspective is, me, I wonder why ladies would get into these transactional relationships and while it says something about the guy it also says something about the lady.. My view if one is going to date, its probably better to do thoughtful dates than throw money around, I've had one one particular date idea in mind for years but never had anyone to date to actually action the idea with. My point is OP, thoughtfulness can I like to hope trump an over elaborate date. Like you, I have gone the elaborate type date before and never found this to actually work. Could it be a good conversation trumps an expensive meal? Granted again there are ladies who do chase money, lets not pretend this does not happen but it would not seem in your scenario she is impressed by these elaborate dates. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted June 23 Share Posted June 23 2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: Or its people who simply are terrible/unattractive at dating or want to date people who probably would not ordinarily date them for whatever reason. Sure, it might be power but it depends what your perspective is, me, I wonder why ladies would get into these transactional relationships and while it says something about the guy it also says something about the lady.. My view if one is going to date, its probably better to do thoughtful dates than throw money around, I've had one one particular date idea in mind for years but never had anyone to date to actually action the idea with. My point is OP, thoughtfulness can I like to hope trump an over elaborate date. Like you, I have gone the elaborate type date before and never found this to actually work. Could it be a good conversation trumps an expensive meal? Granted again there are ladies who do chase money, lets not pretend this does not happen but it would not seem in your scenario she is impressed by these elaborate dates. Yep, could be that money gets them sex at least and the alternative is neither love nor sex. I don't know how you'd end up happy that way though and not just in an empty emotionless vacuum. I've never really even understood guys who try to charm women by buying them drinks all night. In the unlikely event she does actually go home with him and not just leave and say thanks very much for all the free alcohol, it's not that much different to hiring an escort. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 5 hours ago, FredEire said: I've never really even understood guys who try to charm women by buying them drinks all night. In the unlikely event she does actually go home with him and not just leave and say thanks very much for all the free alcohol, it's not that much different to hiring an escort. I think it’s actually worse. Hiring an escort, while absolutely futile as an attempt to fill an emotion void, is an honest business transaction. The woman is upfront about offering companionship and sex for money, so it’s not offensive to her if a man goes through with it. Buying drinks for an unknown woman with the intent of getting sex in return, however, is acting on the assumption that the woman is offering sex for material gain. It’s basically saying, “I don’t know you, but I’m going to treat you like a hooker”. Obviously, that kind of behavior betrays an objectifying, demeaning view of women. Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 24 Share Posted June 24 On 6/23/2024 at 8:46 PM, FredEire said: Yep, could be that money gets them sex at least and the alternative is neither love nor sex. I don't know how you'd end up happy that way though and not just in an empty emotionless vacuum. I've never really even understood guys who try to charm women by buying them drinks all night. In the unlikely event she does actually go home with him and not just leave and say thanks very much for all the free alcohol, it's not that much different to hiring an escort. I think dating has to be approached with the " spend what you want, expect nothing" view point. Agreed on the bold but I do think it does work for a lot of people whether any sort of relationship is the result is perhaps less clear but simplistically I do think there might be some sort of platform to work from or alternatively its a 'oh no what I have done" never mind alcohol adds further complications. The other side of this is expensive dates do impress some people and that alone could be the basis of someone wanting to spend more time and perhaps it gets sex. Unfortunately I have seen on countless occasions that financial resources are extremely helpful at dating, that cannot be denied. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fred123 Posted August 1 Author Share Posted August 1 On the way to our third date she said "if we don't work out we can be friends" I said " if it doesn't work out we just move on" We ended up hooking up on our third date btw. It was my birthday weekend trip away. She forgot my birthday a d didn't even bring a card or anything. I actually bought her a soccer jersey with her name on it and a vape that she wanted. We ended up drinking that night (before we hooked up) and she complained to me that she is used to guys giving her attention and being more physically affectionate and putting their hand on her knee. She said she is used to guys telling her to her face that they like her. She ended up not making 4th date plans as she was busy everytime I asked then she eventually ghosted Weeks later I asked her why she ghosted and she said she wasn't feeling it. She thought I was also rude that I didn't want to be friends and that my answer to her question on the third date made it look I just wanted intimacy Link to post Share on other sites
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