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Why do people do this?


GNRFan

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I will preface this by saying mostly everyone has a sexual past that is theirs to own. Myself included. I have noticed a lot lately that upon connecting or meeting someone through casual conversation about dating that person will overshare about their current sexual situation or past situations with exes. There is a time and a place to have that conversation if both parties are comfortable discussing so but not in the getting to know someone phase. I will give you two examples of my frustration: Woman 1 - matched on a dating app, had a decent conversation on the phone, divulged the app is not working out for her, she slept with 3 different guys in 3 weeks and feels no one takes her seriously, I politely said thank you but no thank you. Woman 2: Happen to meet at a Starbucks and started a conversation, exchanged numbers. Although she was more refined than woman 1, same thing, she just had to tell me about the married guy she is fornicating with. Having to hear these things are frustrating to say the least. I am no angel, put I don't put details out there within 24-72 hours of meeting someone.

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11 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

I will preface this by saying mostly everyone has a sexual past that is theirs to own. Myself included. I have noticed a lot lately that upon connecting or meeting someone through casual conversation about dating that person will overshare about their current sexual situation or past situations with exes. There is a time and a place to have that conversation if both parties are comfortable discussing so but not in the getting to know someone phase. I will give you two examples of my frustration: Woman 1 - matched on a dating app, had a decent conversation on the phone, divulged the app is not working out for her, she slept with 3 different guys in 3 weeks and feels no one takes her seriously, I politely said thank you but no thank you. Woman 2: Happen to meet at a Starbucks and started a conversation, exchanged numbers. Although she was more refined than woman 1, same thing, she just had to tell me about the married guy she is fornicating with. Having to hear these things are frustrating to say the least. I am no angel, put I don't put details out there within 24-72 hours of meeting someone.

Have not experienced this personally but I suspect dating apps do make random hook ups quite easy for some who want them but over disclosure like you mention seems to reflect very poorly on those who do it.

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4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Have not experienced this personally but I suspect dating apps do make random hook ups quite easy for some who want them but over disclosure like you mention seems to reflect very poorly on those who do it.

I have met women outside of dating apps, it seems to be more of a social skills kind of thing. Oversharing. 

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Everyone has their own comfort levels regarding sexual activity and sexual conversations. There is no right or wrong to either. Dating in general has become far more casual over the past decade so people are going to at times act in ways that excite them.

You just have to find someone that you click with. You obviously don't with these women and that's nothing against them as some other men would probably like the way they act.

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1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

Everyone has their own comfort levels regarding sexual activity and sexual conversations. There is no right or wrong to either. Dating in general has become far more casual over the past decade so people are going to at times act in ways that excite them.

You just have to find someone that you click with. You obviously don't with these women and that's nothing against them as some other men would probably like the way they act.

I agree, hard to find someone who I click with. I am no prude by any means. I just don't feel the need or see the need to discuss past partners or things up that matter so early on, if at all.

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2 hours ago, GNRFan said:

I will preface this by saying mostly everyone has a sexual past that is theirs to own. Myself included. I have noticed a lot lately that upon connecting or meeting someone through casual conversation about dating that person will overshare about their current sexual situation or past situations with exes. There is a time and a place to have that conversation if both parties are comfortable discussing so but not in the getting to know someone phase. I will give you two examples of my frustration: Woman 1 - matched on a dating app, had a decent conversation on the phone, divulged the app is not working out for her, she slept with 3 different guys in 3 weeks and feels no one takes her seriously, I politely said thank you but no thank you. Woman 2: Happen to meet at a Starbucks and started a conversation, exchanged numbers. Although she was more refined than woman 1, same thing, she just had to tell me about the married guy she is fornicating with. Having to hear these things are frustrating to say the least. I am no angel, put I don't put details out there within 24-72 hours of meeting someone.

I agree with you, oversharing seems to be just part of modern culture nowadays. So many people seem to be labelling themselves "on the spectrum" and have regular emotional breakdowns. My opinion is social media and shaky family units have fried many people's brains.

It seems a bit like the subtext is "I don't like these silly guys just using me for sex, I want you to be the serious one who can save me". But that isn't your job nor is it anyone's except for themselves.

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4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I agree with you, oversharing seems to be just part of modern culture nowadays. So many people seem to be labelling themselves "on the spectrum" and have regular emotional breakdowns. My opinion is social media and shaky family units have fried many people's brains.

It seems a bit like the subtext is "I don't like these silly guys just using me for sex, I want you to be the serious one who can save me". But that isn't your job nor is it anyone's except for themselves.

I think both genders do it, but I do agree with you. I just don't feel the need to hear about it right away, it's a turn off to me. 

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It all goes back to compatibility:   If they want to overshare, it's their prerogative.  If you don't want to hear it and it turns you off, it's your prerogative.  

But do we really want to get into being the conversation police?

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It's just a matter of personal boundaries and comfort levels. Some people are more open and free with their sexual experiences and feel comfortable sharing them, while others may not be. You dislike it, and that is totally fine. If some man told me about his 3 hookups in a week, I would 100% be uncomf, and I would not want to hear that.

Plenty of reasons for you to just say thanks, and no thanks. You just don't share the same feeling for sex and relationships. No need to be anything else than yourself. Some may think it's unreasonable or 'judgy' if you just shrug it off as 'not for me'. You want someone with values that align with yours, so let others know that.

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1 hour ago, basil67 said:

It all goes back to compatibility:   If they want to overshare, it's their prerogative.  If you don't want to hear it and it turns you off, it's your prerogative.  

But do we really want to get into being the conversation police?

How else are you supposed to uncover red flags, through ESP? Visit a psychic? 

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1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

It's just a matter of personal boundaries and comfort levels. Some people are more open and free with their sexual experiences and feel comfortable sharing them, while others may not be. You dislike it, and that is totally fine. If some man told me about his 3 hookups in a week, I would 100% be uncomf, and I would not want to hear that.

Plenty of reasons for you to just say thanks, and no thanks. You just don't share the same feeling for sex and relationships. No need to be anything else than yourself. Some may think it's unreasonable or 'judgy' if you just shrug it off as 'not for me'. You want someone with values that align with yours, so let others know that.

Thank you. I don't think it has anything to do with being judgemental, I just don't really feel the need to know about the other persons sexual experiences current and past. I definitely make it vocal that I think it's a turn off. 

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I put it down to social ineptness. Not much different to sharing the details of your last dump with someone you barely know.  It's not judgmental to be turned off by someone who overshares because it's a warning that they don't consider the impact of their words on other people, and that's a big indicator that other unsavoury behaviours will jump out of the box if you continue the involvement with the person. 

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30 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

Thank you. I don't think it has anything to do with being judgemental, I just don't really feel the need to know about the other persons sexual experiences current and past. I definitely make it vocal that I think it's a turn off. 

True. And to be completely honest you might seem a little boring to those women so you probably aren't anymore of a match to them than they are to you. The goal of dating is to find people you enjoy being around rather you enjoy bringing up sex early and often or holding off on it for awhile.

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5 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

True. And to be completely honest you might seem a little boring to those women so you probably aren't anymore of a match to them than they are to you. The goal of dating is to find people you enjoy being around rather you enjoy bringing up sex early and often or holding off on it for awhile.

I seem a little boring because I get turned off after 15 mins into chips and salsa someone is telling me how they had a random one night stand a few days ago? Because I actually possess social accumen and have more to offer than my penis I am boring. Interesting. 

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12 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

I seem a little boring because I get turned off after 15 mins into chips and salsa someone is telling me how they had a random one night stand a few days ago? Because I actually possess social accumen and have more to offer than my penis I am boring. Interesting. 

Yes you probably would seem a little boring. Generally speaking the sooner people begin talking about sex the sooner they are comfortable having sex. I'm sure many of those women have sex on the first date if they find a guy they have chemistry with.

 

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Just now, Lotsgoingon said:

You're going out with the wrong people. 

Exactly. This really comes down to the people the OP is choosing to go on dates with. And he has no one to blame but himself for that. If he doesn't like that type of behavior then he needs to go out with women who have the same attitude about sex as he does.

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Just now, Sony12 said:

Exactly. This really comes down to the people the OP is choosing to go on dates with. And he has no one to blame but himself for that. If he doesn't like that type of behavior then he needs to go out with women who have the same attitude about sex as he does.

A lot of this behavior is pre date, like on the phone through text. 

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23 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Yes you probably would seem a little boring. Generally speaking the sooner people begin talking about sex the sooner they are comfortable having sex. I'm sure many of those women have sex on the first date if they find a guy they have chemistry with.

 

It's ok to speak about sex in context, I am very much ok with that. What I am not ok is you telling me how many shlongs you sucked last week. This tells me A) you are trying to impress me B) you are trying to emasculate me or C) you have no social skills

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14 minutes ago, GNRFan said:

It's ok to speak about sex in context, I am very much ok with that. What I am not ok is you telling me how many shlongs you sucked last week. This tells me A) you are trying to impress me B) you are trying to emasculate me or C) you have no social skills

You clearly are talking to women who are looking for one night stands (or at least talking to women who are looking to have sex very early on). So this is still on you. There are guys for those women to talk to and you clearly are not one of them.

So why are you talking to them? There are definitely women who have more conservative viewpoints about sex so why aren't you talking to them?

Are you still trying to talk to women who show off their cleavage in their photos even though you get a little offended when they end up being a little more forward about sex than you prefer?

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2 hours ago, GNRFan said:

How else are you supposed to uncover red flags, through ESP? Visit a psychic? 

Is the disclosing a red flag, or is the large amount of sex the red flag?   Personally, I'd rather someone disclose than for me to be in the dark about their very recent history

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I think it’s your picker. If you’re regularly experiencing this you’re somehow screening profiles or women who have this tmi trait or inability to discern what is appropriate or not around others - basically not caring or not being able to read the room. 

The common denominator is you if this happens often so I’d go back to square 1 and take a look more closely. Before you agree to meet in person, find out a little about their lifestyle, schedules, values, beliefs. It doesn’t have to be long. You can get a pretty keen read in one conversation over the phone or messaging.

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6 hours ago, GNRFan said:

I seem a little boring because I get turned off after 15 mins into chips and salsa someone is telling me how they had a random one night stand a few days ago? Because I actually possess social accumen and have more to offer than my penis I am boring. Interesting. 

Aren't you being too much on the defensive, OP? You're not on trial. Sony12 just pointed out that, from the perspective of these women, you might seem boring. And that's a good point, because it's a reminder that there are no absolutes in dating. Everyone comes to the table with their perspective and ideals and preferences. There's nothing wrong with you saying, "This person is not for me." And there's nothing wrong with someone else saying the same about you.

These women are obviously not your type. But they may be exactly what somebody else is looking for. Fortunately for you, their actions reveal your incompatibility pretty early in the game. So you don't have to spend tonnes of time getting to know them before you ultimately figure out you're mismatched. That's always a plus in my books.

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10 hours ago, GNRFan said:

Thank you. I don't think it has anything to do with being judgemental, I just don't really feel the need to know about the other persons sexual experiences current and past. I definitely make it vocal that I think it's a turn off. 

Sometimes it’s hard to stop talking when you’re nervous.

I recently had to do a presentation as a team lead for a class and my professor told me that I talked too fast. So, maybe these women are a bit nervous or they feel comfort talking to you and it starts to come out like a river?

I guess what I am saying is that maybe they assume that vulnerable means being transparent with intimate things and desires from the very beginning. Whereas maybe they are misinterpreting the idea of being vulnerable and they don't quite realize the importance of forming a trusting bond first. Or that, not everyone is comfortable with hearing about their potential romantic interest's past sexual encounters.

With that said, your thoughts about that approach are welcome and valid. It takes quality time to know someone. 

Other men might find it refreshing and straightforward, but you’re not one of them. And it’s nice to see we're not all cut from the same cloth.

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30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Sometimes it’s hard to stop talking when you’re nervous.

I recently had to do a presentation as a team lead for a class and my professor told me that I talked too fast. So, maybe these women are a bit nervous or they feel comfort talking to you and it starts to come out like a river?

I guess what I am saying is that maybe they assume that vulnerable means being transparent with intimate things and desires from the very beginning. Whereas maybe they are misinterpreting the idea of being vulnerable and they don't quite realize the importance of forming a trusting bond first. Or that, not everyone is comfortable with hearing about their potential romantic interest's past sexual encounters.

With that said, your thoughts about that approach are welcome and valid. It takes quality time to know someone. 

Other men might find it refreshing and straightforward, but you’re not one of them. And it’s nice to see we're not all cut from the same cloth.

Yeah it all comes down to the intention behind it. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish that kind of thing from mental issues and red flags.

I went on a date recently where I met the girl and she almost immediately launched into talking about her terrible period cramps. I thought it was a bit TMI but it was clearly just that she was nervous so I found it cute more than anything. That's opposed to someone who might use that time of the month to justify plain rude/shitty behaviour.

So similarly if on your date the girl just blurts out that she slept with some guy last week without meaning to, it's a lot different to a sort of "where have all the good guys gone 🙄" comment where's she's basically projecting that you're going to be just another bad experience without even knowing you.

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