Does he want more than just sex?

[Runninggirl]

The last few months I dated a guy who really "healed" me after some bad experiences. I had taken some time off dating, and met him on a dating site. Our first few dates was great. I was mesmerized by how he was such a good communicator, he felt so safe, and really gave me my self worth back. For the first time I could set boundaries, voice my opinion, and didnt feel anxious if we didnt speak for a little while. 

Unfortunately there was a few negative things.

First and most important being that we live in two different countries, and I can't really afford to travel as much as he. I think more with my head than my heart, compared to before, and dont know if it will realistically work long term. He did however talk about it early, as he wants marriage and kids. The second was that there's a little voice in the back of my head saying its not right, because I wasn't in love with him in the beginning. When I met him I still grieved previous relationship, which Ive come to realize in hindsight. He sort of became a "rebound."

I know its not right, and had to break it off with him. But I learned so many valuable lessons from him. 

Then recently an acquaintance of me that I slept with once five years ago, split up with his girlfriend that he was living with. I think possibly in february, but Im not entirely sure the date. He texted me, and suddenly sent a long message basically saying that if I was single and wanted to, he would love to see me sometime, but that i would have to wait until he had moved out, in order to keep the peace between them as they were still friends. 

We've always had crazy chemistry, and I have crazy butterflies just from texting him. We agreed to go for a half hour drive just to see each other quickly. From the second I got in the car the vibe was electric. We drove around for 30 minutes as promised, and he stopped and kissed me, before he drove me back. He also made some sexual remarks/telling me how sexy he finds me. 

We've been speaking ever since. On saturday we were invited to the same party. Neither of us party much, we're both adults, and he is in his mid thirties. We were both so excited just to have some time together, and texted basically every day how excited we were to see each other. The second I showed up he told me how beautiful I was, and we obviously ended up sitting next to each other. He showered me with compliments about my dress, how I looked, but also made a comment when no one could hear that he got hard when he saw me. 

We had way too much to drink, and then went out to a bar. We sat next to each other there too, and he was a perfect gentleman, but we were both getting drunk - him more than me. We ended up slipping out early and went to my place and had sex. It wasn't much to brag about, he wasn't in a condition to really perform much, but was still very eager. The second we were home he went for it, was very rough and "dirty", and also a lot of dirty talk. Which I think must be a bad sign that he is "too" comfortable with me to really be into me romantically? 

When we weren't having sex however, he kissed me several times on my forehead, told me how beautiful I was etc etc. I obviously couldn't stay over, which just made me feel like a whore. 

From bad dating experiences I expected to be ignored. But I woke up with a text saying how nice it had been, and that he was really looking forward to doing it again, and that I looked so beautiful last night, etc etc. I became so needy from the sex, and recognized the anxiety the setting brought for me. I decided to let him lead and take initiative.

Every day since he has texted me about something and started a conversation, he showers me with compliments and tells me every day he can't wait to see me again. But he can also send some really dirty messages, which makes me think he doesn't really take me seriously?

How does one know? Its so early, and because of the situation we cant really meet up right now, which makes it hard to actually find out what he wants. 

[Alpacalia]

Well, sounds like you both had a lot to drink and things got a little wild.

But it's great that you have an agreement on your next meeting.

Just relax, it's just casual dating since ya'll just met up after so many years, ya know? Right now it is very sex based with all the compliments etc...

I'm not saying something can't come out of it because who knows what it can turn into. But IMO if you want more than just casual sex you are going to have to establish that you want more than just sex.

After all it is too late to take things slow. So now you are having sex in addition to having to slow things down so it isn't just wild sex. Next time you see him just tell him you want things to move slower and he'll either 1) be A OK and fine with it or 2) give you some runaround or back off. 

But yes, it does sound like he is looking at it very casually. A man who wants a serious relationship doesn't start off by telling you that "he got hard when he saw you." I mean, those compliments are great from a guy after you've been dating for a little but it does give off the impression that he doesn't take you seriously and just wants to shag.

[Runninggirl]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, sounds like you both had a lot to drink and things got a little wild.

But it's great that you have an agreement on your next meeting.

Just relax, it's just casual dating since ya'll just met up after so many years, ya know? Right now it is very sex based with all the compliments etc...

I'm not saying something can't come out of it because who knows what it can turn into. But IMO if you want more than just casual sex you are going to have to establish that you want more than just sex.

After all it is too late to take things slow. So now you are having sex in addition to having to slow things down so it isn't just wild sex. Next time you see him just tell him you want things to move slower and he'll either 1) be A OK and fine with it or 2) give you some runaround or back off. 

But yes, it does sound like he is looking at it very casually. A man who wants a serious relationship doesn't start off by telling you that "he got hard when he saw you." I mean, those compliments are great from a guy after you've been dating for a little but it does give off the impression that he doesn't take you seriously and just wants to shag.

Yes I agree so much with especially the last part. That's what worries me. 

On the other hand - and I forgot to mention this, he actually texted me the next day and said that it did feel amazing, but that things got carried away and that "I had really wanted our first time to have sex again to be sober. Next time we see each other will be sober ❤️ "

[flitzanu]

none of the description sounds promising "romantically" if that's what you're after.  he still lives with his girlfriend, hasn't spoken to you in five years, he hasn't offered to take you on a date and the first time you hang out you slept together.  the vibe is more that he's just found a FWB rather than trying to pursue a "romantic relationship"

[stillafool]

It would have been better to tell him you'd love to see him WHEN he breaks up with his gf and MOVES OUT and then wait until that happened before seeing him.  It sounds like he wanted sex and was sweet talking you to get it.   I hope I'm wrong.  Also, you said you guys went back to your place and had sex but later you said this:

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I obviously couldn't stay over, which just made me feel like a whore. 

If he broke up with his gf in February why hasn't he already moved out?  Did you guys disgust that?

[smackie9]

You can put the brakes on and just tell him how you feel. Be honest. Now if it scares him away, then you know he ain't in it to win it. Problem solved. 

[FredEire]

23 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

The last few months I dated a guy who really "healed" me after some bad experiences. I had taken some time off dating, and met him on a dating site. Our first few dates was great. I was mesmerized by how he was such a good communicator, he felt so safe, and really gave me my self worth back. For the first time I could set boundaries, voice my opinion, and didnt feel anxious if we didnt speak for a little while. 

Unfortunately there was a few negative things.

First and most important being that we live in two different countries, and I can't really afford to travel as much as he. I think more with my head than my heart, compared to before, and dont know if it will realistically work long term. He did however talk about it early, as he wants marriage and kids. The second was that there's a little voice in the back of my head saying its not right, because I wasn't in love with him in the beginning. When I met him I still grieved previous relationship, which Ive come to realize in hindsight. He sort of became a "rebound."

I know its not right, and had to break it off with him. But I learned so many valuable lessons from him. 

Then recently an acquaintance of me that I slept with once five years ago, split up with his girlfriend that he was living with. I think possibly in february, but Im not entirely sure the date. He texted me, and suddenly sent a long message basically saying that if I was single and wanted to, he would love to see me sometime, but that i would have to wait until he had moved out, in order to keep the peace between them as they were still friends. 

We've always had crazy chemistry, and I have crazy butterflies just from texting him. We agreed to go for a half hour drive just to see each other quickly. From the second I got in the car the vibe was electric. We drove around for 30 minutes as promised, and he stopped and kissed me, before he drove me back. He also made some sexual remarks/telling me how sexy he finds me. 

We've been speaking ever since. On saturday we were invited to the same party. Neither of us party much, we're both adults, and he is in his mid thirties. We were both so excited just to have some time together, and texted basically every day how excited we were to see each other. The second I showed up he told me how beautiful I was, and we obviously ended up sitting next to each other. He showered me with compliments about my dress, how I looked, but also made a comment when no one could hear that he got hard when he saw me. 

We had way too much to drink, and then went out to a bar. We sat next to each other there too, and he was a perfect gentleman, but we were both getting drunk - him more than me. We ended up slipping out early and went to my place and had sex. It wasn't much to brag about, he wasn't in a condition to really perform much, but was still very eager. The second we were home he went for it, was very rough and "dirty", and also a lot of dirty talk. Which I think must be a bad sign that he is "too" comfortable with me to really be into me romantically? 

When we weren't having sex however, he kissed me several times on my forehead, told me how beautiful I was etc etc. I obviously couldn't stay over, which just made me feel like a whore. 

From bad dating experiences I expected to be ignored. But I woke up with a text saying how nice it had been, and that he was really looking forward to doing it again, and that I looked so beautiful last night, etc etc. I became so needy from the sex, and recognized the anxiety the setting brought for me. I decided to let him lead and take initiative.

Every day since he has texted me about something and started a conversation, he showers me with compliments and tells me every day he can't wait to see me again. But he can also send some really dirty messages, which makes me think he doesn't really take me seriously?

How does one know? Its so early, and because of the situation we cant really meet up right now, which makes it hard to actually find out what he wants. 

The way you know is you talk. Don't mess around and play subliminals and mind games. When you see him again, don't put pressure on him but bring up in conversation what he's looking for from dating at the moment. His answer will be telling and it's up to you do decide if it's right for you or not.

But please don't go on head trips or try to read his mind, not enough people just communicate straightforwardly these days and end up making up narratives and dramas in their head.

From what you've said, it's quite possible he wants a relationship but he could also just want friends with benefits. Only way to judge is to communicate, don't let your anxiety about your feelings get the better of you.

Edited May 9 by FredEire

[ExpatInItaly]

Is this man still living with his ex? 

[Gebidozo]

OP, there are two separate issues here.

First, the sexual chemistry between you two. This is obviously a good thing. I assure you that this:

On 5/9/2024 at 1:33 AM, Runninggirl said:

The second we were home he went for it, was very rough and "dirty", and also a lot of dirty talk. Which I think must be a bad sign that he is "too" comfortable with me to really be into me romantically? 

is not a bad sign per se. There is absolutely no reason to suspect that a man isn’t interested in you romantically because he talks dirty and likes rough sex with you. This is a sign that he is strongly attracted to you sexually, which is, of course, an essential cornerstone of romance. 

However, there is the issue of him still living with his ex-GF and this rather strange statement of his:

On 5/9/2024 at 1:33 AM, Runninggirl said:

he would love to see me sometime, but that i would have to wait until he had moved out, in order to keep the peace between them as they were still friends. 

It’s hard to understand what “still being friends” (whatever that might mean in a post-breakup context) and “keeping the peace” (again, it’s not quite clear what he meant by that) has to do with him moving out.

Their relationship is over, isn’t it? Are you absolutely certain of that? If so, then I think the solution is simple: just wait till he moves out, and resume your romance then. I don’t suggest doing anything with him as long as he is still living with his ex.

[FredEire]

I don't know why people think the guy still lives with his GF. OP said he said that he couldn't meet until he'd moved out, right?

[Acacia98]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I don't know why people think the guy still lives with his GF. OP said he said that he couldn't meet until he'd moved out, right?

You're right. It's possible they no longer live together. But it's also possible they still do. The way OP transitioned from his statement that he couldn't meet just yet to the fact of their meeting doesn't give us a time frame or any clarifying information.

[happyhorizons]

Hopefully, their next meeting will have all parties sober and they can genuinely see what EACH OTHERS interest/intentions are.

[Runninggirl]

Hi.

He’s still living with his ex, as their plan for the house changed (now she doesn’t want to sell but wants to buy his part). 
 

He’s texted me every day since. I worry about that he mainly sees me as sex as he sometimes can be very sexual on texts as well (but most often just sweet texts). 
 

He asked me about my weekend plans yesterday. I said I was just going to stay in and have a chill evening. He made a comment and I said that if he wanted to he could come over for dinner. 
 

He didn’t give a definitive answer. 20 min later he texted me and said “I could make Saturday work but it would have to be around noon”.

Im not sure if this is a bootycall for him or if it’s a good sign that he suggest to meet up in the middle of the day. He never called it a date. 
 

So we’re meeting tomorrow at noon, I’m not sure what we’re going to do. Im considering making brunch and suggesting we go for a walk if the weather is nice.

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Hi.

He’s still living with his ex, as their plan for the house changed (now she doesn’t want to sell but wants to buy his part). 
 

He’s texted me every day since. I worry about that he mainly sees me as sex as he sometimes can be very sexual on texts as well (but most often just sweet texts). 
 

He asked me about my weekend plans yesterday. I said I was just going to stay in and have a chill evening. He made a comment and I said that if he wanted to he could come over for dinner. 
 

He didn’t give a definitive answer. 20 min later he texted me and said “I could make Saturday work but it would have to be around noon”.

Im not sure if this is a bootycall for him or if it’s a good sign that he suggest to meet up in the middle of the day. He never called it a date. 
 

So we’re meeting tomorrow at noon, I’m not sure what we’re going to do. Im considering making brunch and suggesting we go for a walk if the weather is nice.

Ok, the fact that he's still living there is not a particularly positive sign.

Even so, the only way to get any clarity it so talk to him and let him say his piece on what he wants. It's up to you then to judge how honest he's being.

[Alpacalia]

Sweetie, when men only suggest encounters at your house (they do this because it’s a sign that you’re all in and “ready and willing”) the signs do not bode for a ‘going somewhere romantic’ – near green grassy parks, beach walks in the sand, sipping on wine-filled tumblers at an intimate upmarket restaurant.

So, if you're fine with it,  **go for it** and maybe do tell him what you seek with him. It's simple: Confidence is what is sexy, not aggressiveness. This individual has had a couple of years to fix the situation with his ex, and he could have done so. But he hasn't.

[stillafool]

Meeting at noon is easy for a taken man to do.  Why couldn't he meet Saturday night and make it a real date?  If you feel he only wants sex, why invite him to your place for dinner instead of suggesting a restaurant or diner to meet?  You're setting yourself up to have sex with him again by inviting him to your place.  Is sex what you're looking for also? He doesn't have to still live with his ex while she decides if she wants to buy him out.  This sounds suspect and you need to ask the right questions, so you have some idea what's going on and not get used and hurt.

[Runninggirl]

Ive gotten confirmation from several people that he is in fact single, including one of his ex’ friends, and family members of his. He also sent me videos two days ago he had just takes in an apartment that he will mostly buy. He’s keeping me in the loop about the process without me asking or bringing it up.

i agree at the house was not the best. We’ve already had sex so I’m not sure there’s a nice way to “go back”, only hoping he wants to do other things with me as well.

i forgot to mention that the party we went to where we ended up sleeping together was a dinner at a restaurant that continued to a bar with people between the age of 30-40. He only went to get some time with me, and he was very openly interested in me in front of everyone. 

It wasn’t originally a party but we all ended up getting pretty drunk. 

everyone that was there has later told me he really seems into me, but I don’t know. 

In my opinion and my gut feeling this whole time was that he’s taking me seriously. But I have some doubt in the back of my mind, mostly due to the “secrecy”. 

He didn’t care on Saturday, but he has clearly stated before that he doesn’t want to end things on bad terms with his ex, because she’s very jealous and controls his whereabouts.

Very iffy imo. So I don’t know.

im going to meet him tomorrow, but I’m hoping there’s something I can do to make sure he sees me as something serious and not just a rebound or sex. 
 

[stillafool]

Well I hope it works out for you Runninggirl because you deserve someone nice.   I've never heard of an ex who was allowed to control someone's life.  An ex is someone you've broken up with and no longer owe them anything much less your whereabouts.

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

He’s still living with his ex,

Doesn't sound like she's much of an ex when he is not free to come and go as he pleases.

 

On 5/8/2024 at 1:33 PM, Runninggirl said:

Then recently an acquaintance of me that I slept with once five years ago,

More information about this would help with context.  

[Runninggirl]

26 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Doesn't sound like she's much of an ex when he is not free to come and go as he pleases.

 

More information about this would help with context.  

We met through a mutual friend about five years ago in the summer and had one date/one night stand. We had dinner and drinks on his terrace at sunset, it was super warm and we really connected. Ended up having sex. He was eager to meet again, and we talked about doing some hikes together in the mountains (about 8 hour travel to get there). But unfortunately we had opposite schedules for vacation, and I was away when he was available. Later when I was home he was away, we kept missing each other. Both very busy. We talked a little less, and by the end of summer he had rekindled with this girl and decided to pursue that, they got together. I also got back with my ex around the same time.

 

so it was no hard feelings from either of us. We always had chemistry and kept a little in touch of the years but only friendly. Mostly running into each other, and he texted me every now and then about mutual interests. Typically travel, sports etc. Like a few words once every few months. I considered him a friend and only thought about him as someone I was glad I met that one time, but didn’t feel bad about it ended. I always felt like they were a much better match anyway, and I always thought she was more of a “catch”. She’s a nurse, very caring, comes from a pretty loaded family, younger than us, used to be a professional athlete, a ton of friends etc.

Then he suddenly texted me that if I could (if I was single) and if I wanted, he would love to meet up, but that he was in the process of dividing their assets, and that he assumed she kept track of him as long as they lived together, and didn’t want to make it sour as it was already uncomfortable to still live together. It was ok to meet but not sleep over. So it would have to be after that. He’s been very cute and texted me regularly. He also sent me flowers on my door the day after we met up the first time again.

 

[Weezy1973]

There’s really no way to know his intentions. Nor does it matter because you’re both just starting to get to know each other better. It’s very early stages. He (or you) could want something serious, but after getting to know each other better, decide you’re not a match.
 

Just go with the flow, focus on  what you like about him (other than chemistry). The deeper qualities will only reveal themselves with time. Don’t worry about what he thinks of you because you can’t control that. Keep those boundaries and be ready to enforce them if necessary.

[Alpacalia]

You mentioned that there's a nagging voice in the back of your head saying something doesn't feel right about this situation. This person was once your one-night stand and now they are expressing interest in potentially dating you. So, you have a valid concern about whether or not he is genuinely interested in you, or if he is looking for something casual.

One thing that stood out to me was the comment you made that he has resurfaced in your life just after you ended a relationship with someone else and are feeling vulnerable. It's great that he helped you through your recovery from your previous relationship, but it's important to make sure that you're not just latching onto someone because they made you feel good momentarily.

If you're enjoying his attention and the positive feelings he is giving you, it's fine to continue talking to him and spending time with him. But make sure to keep an open mind and don't get too invested too quickly. 

[NuevoYorko]

I think it's safe to say that at this time, he's just thinking about having sex with you.  He's still living with his "ex."  He needs to be single to start developing a new relationship.

Yes, I did read that people have told you he is single, but AFAIK if he can't do this or that because of a woman he is cohabiting with, he's not single enough.   

Wanting to see you to have a booty call or whatever is not a bad reflection on you or what he thinks of you, but since you did that the only 2 times you really got together with him, the precedent has been set and if he wants to repeat it he has reasons to think that can happen.

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I think it's safe to say that at this time, he's just thinking about having sex with you.  He's still living with his "ex."  He needs to be single to start developing a new relationship.

I agree.  After being in a relationship for 5 years it's doubtful he's looking to jump back in one right away without dating around first.  You said since you've already had sex there's no nice way to go back.  I disagree, you can tell him that you feel you guys moved to fast and you want to dial it back so you can get to know him better.  It's your body so you make the rules. It's interesting that he's admitting that his ex is jealous and he wants to protect her feelings.  Why?  If they are broken up she should know that he's dating you and should be processing those feelings so she can get over him.   If she's that jealous she's still attached and probably still having sex with him.  Especially since they live together.

[archmagus]

Stop putting yourself out there like this.

These two guys have the same thing in common: they're not bringing you any value. They're only there to give you a little bit of attention. You're giving them way more than they deserve.

You're settling for scraps, my friend. You need to realize your own worth and stop settling for less. Scraps are not going to do it for you.

You need a guy who is going to value you, and bring more into the relationship than you do.

Stop being a rebound. Stop being the easy lay. Don't be the girl who's available for sex whenever her ex needs it. You don't need that kind of attention.

You need a man who is going to bring something to the table, who is going to make you feel valued and appreciated. You need a man who is going to be there for you, not just when it's convenient for him.

You need to start setting your standards higher. You need to start demanding more from the men in your life. You need to start valuing yourself and your time more.

Stop being so available. Stop being so easy. Start setting some boundaries.