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Tri-City Sam

My girlfriend and I have been dating about 5 months, and are fairly serious.  She has many male friends from her working and social life in the past.  She moved to my area about 6 months ago.  Now some of her male friends want to come and visit - spend the night.  A guy coming over without his wife, and even Single guys , she says are only friends and are not intimate - just friends.  Somehow this just doesn't sit well in my mind.  Am I off base here?

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Wiseman2
13 minutes ago, Tri-City Sam said:

.  She moved to my area about 6 months ago.  Now some of her male friends want to come and visit - spend the night.  A guy coming over without his wife, and even Single guys , she says are only friends and are not intimate - 

Sorry this is happening. It's unclear why they have to stay at her place overnight when there are a ton of BNBs available and alternatively she could stay with you or they could stay with you. Is this the same woman?

 

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Foxhall

I think your right to feel uncomfortable at all these strangers (from your viewpoint) invading your living space even if its only a short visit,

maybe if you met some of them individually over time it would become a more reasonable ask,

I think you are ok to raise with your partner that you are not at ease with them staying in the house at this point.

 

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Tri-City Sam

She and I do not live together, so she would be staying with this person alone.

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MsJayne

Depends what sort of friendships they are and how she intends to manage the visits. If she includes you in plans and intends that you'll meet these guys and be included in the friendship I don't really see a problem, but if she's got a male friend staying and you don't see her for the duration that would be very dismissive towards you. Say, for example, that you normally stay together on a weekend but when she has visitors she doesn't invite you to stay over, that would be my signal to end the relationship. Especially so if she pretended that she couldn't understand why you felt uncomfortable with it. It's probably a bit early in the relationship to start questioning who she can have come stay with her, it should be something that she gauges herself based on how important those friendships are to her, and if a friendship with an ex-colleague is more important to her than the guy she's in a "fairly serious" relationship with, that's a problem. As for the guy who's coming for a sleep-over without his wife, I'd be looking at that one with a microscope. Does she have female friends who want to come stay with her, or is it just guys? An important question is do these guys know she's in a relationship? 

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Tri-City Sam

Well, the upcoming visit is a friend passing thru town and wanted to say with her for the night rather than get a motel. I’m told his wife is OK with it. She’s aware that I’m unavailable to be there till midnight told me told that I can come over then if I wish.  She does she doesn’t understand why I’m uncomfortable because they were just friends. An easy situation to overthink.

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basil67

She doesn't understand why you're uncomfortable.  Have you told her exactly WHY you're uncomfortable?   Because no matter how you frame it, the reason why goes back to you not trusting her.

Weigh this up against the fact that she's known these guys for years, yet she chose you.  You're the guy!  And you're welcome to come join them.  If you're really worried, cancel whatever is preventing you from arriving earlier so that you can chaperone. 

 

 

 

 

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smackie9

Your feelings are valid. Not very many people would be OK with men friends spending the night. IMO, when you're serious with someone, you adjust your boundaries with opposite sex friends and acquaintances. BUT since this person is married, the spouse has no qualms about it, then I say it should be a pass. 

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Gebidozo
On 5/8/2024 at 6:17 AM, Tri-City Sam said:

Well, the upcoming visit is a friend passing thru town and wanted to say with her for the night rather than get a motel. I’m told his wife is OK with it. She’s aware that I’m unavailable to be there till midnight told me told that I can come over then if I wish.  She does she doesn’t understand why I’m uncomfortable because they were just friends. An easy situation to overthink.

 I’d be uncomfortable too if I were in your situation. However, the fact that your GF invited you over means that she has nothing to hide, and she and that guy are indeed just friends. This is a good sign and I’d be very reassured if I were you. Add to that the fact that he is married and his wife is ok with him staying over at your GF’s, I think there is no reason to worry in this case.

Different couples have different rules and boundaries concerning these things. Perhaps you and your GF should discuss those, because you seem to have different opinions about these issues and are bound to clash over them again. Just discuss it with mutual respect and understanding, and you’ll surely arrive at some sort of a compromise.

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Tri-City Sam
On 5/7/2024 at 5:57 PM, basil67 said:

She doesn't understand why you're uncomfortable.  Have you told her exactly WHY you're uncomfortable?   Because no matter how you frame it, the reason why goes back to you not trusting her.

Weigh this up against the fact that she's known these guys for years, yet she chose you.  You're the guy!  And you're welcome to come join them.  If you're really worried, cancel whatever is preventing you from arriving earlier so that you can chaperone. 

Perhaps.  I didn’t cancel, nor stay  she now has a make friend coming to stay a week!  He’s single, but gay, and they have traveled together, and shared a room…but “nothing intimate”   Trying hard to let it pass, but this type of behavior is quite frankly foreign to me  

 

 

 

 

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basil67

Yes, it might be foreign to you, but this is her normal.   You can either accept her for who she is and trust her - or you can leave.   

But I do have to ask, what's the problem with a gay guy staying?   Surely that's no different to her having a female friend stay the night.   How about you go and join them for the night - you might find he's great company and you have a really good evening

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Gebidozo

OP, why would you worry about a gay friend staying with her? It’s no different from a female friend staying with her. There’s nothing wrong with that, let it go. Your GF already proved to you that you could trust her.

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Alpacalia

Sounds like this is just who she is, she is okay with platonic male friends crashing at hers. It just seems she has very close friendships with men. 

Everybody has their limits, this is yours...

Frankly, I don't see why it's such an issue for her male friends to not get hotel rooms. But, maybe for the sake of saving their few bucks, they don't want to be obligated to pay double for the luxury of having your girlfriend be their host for the night.  

She should not be uncomfortable with you being concerned. Maybe instead of telling her she shouldn't feel that way, tell her you want to trust her but you get that prickly "weird" feeling from the situation. 

Have you met these guys in question? Have you seen her interact with her friends? Maybe if you two get together when these guys come over and they see how the two of you are together, then perhaps it may help ease your feelings. That way you get to see them with your own eyes in person. As long as you make certain she and you spend time "alone" and she's including you in her life and talking to you about these guy friends, then it sounds like she's really being honest with you.

If you were to tell her you wanted to tag along and that wouldn't bother her and if she insists you are not welcome and never gave you an opportunity to meet these men for some reason, then I'd  think something was up, if she was open to having you with her when they visit then I'd believe her and fine with that. 

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basil67
1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

if she was open to having you with her when they visit then I'd believe her and fine with that. 

She is open - she invited OP over for the evening and night the last time a guy stayed over....but he didn't go

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flitzanu

if she wanted to sleep with other guys, she doesn't have to wait for an old friend to come through town and spend the night, she could be doing it this very moment without your knowledge.

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basil67
3 hours ago, flitzanu said:

if she wanted to sleep with other guys, she doesn't have to wait for an old friend to come through town and spend the night, she could be doing it this very moment without your knowledge.

Not sure if that's going to help or put OP into a tailspin!  😜

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