ObvanWan Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 I have managed to really upset my wife today - her birthday. Upsetting her always breaks my heart and sends me into a head spin. The backstory is that this weekend is both my wife’s birthday but also my mother’s 80th birthday. After losing my father two months ago we travelled down to see my mother for the weekend along with other family members. We went out for a lovely meal last night where we celebrated both birthdays - but admittedly the focus was on my mum. My wife’s birthday today I got her cards, chocolates and a cake. But after a late night last night we didn’t end up doing very much today and I could increasingly sense my wife getting p***ed off. I get it I got my priorities somehow wrong this weekend and got the balance very wrong!! My wife is really very upset and won’t even talk to me about it. I always find this devastating. I have of course apologised. I have some small presents waiting back at home and some flowers ordered (I chose not to bring them down or get them delivered at my mothers as I thought it would be difficult getting them Back home safely). It is almost certainly the case that over the last 4/5 months whilst my father was ill and then passed I have been a little self focussed and maybe taken her for granted and this is in sort a response to that. If that is the case then I fully accept that I am in the wrong and do my best to not let it happen again. I’m not sure what I am asking for here except for maybe a little help and clarity on how my wife is feeling and how to address it. All my words feel and sound wrong today!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 How long have you been married? Has the marriage been fairly smooth? Do you have kids? The best thing is to acknowledge where you feel you let her down, including being sort of "absent" (understandably) during your father's illness and death. Tell her that you would like to really reconnect. If possible try to plan a getaway with just the two of you. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author ObvanWan Posted May 6 Author Share Posted May 6 Thank you for taking the time to reply. We have been together for 26 years - married for 17 - have two children aged 19 and 16. The marriage has been fairly smooth over that time. The odd bump in the road but nothing major. I love her and the kids so much. She is an amazing wife and mother. I have been awake reflecting all night and I fear that without thinking I have fallen into the trap of focussing on my role as a ‘provider’ for the family - making sure they are safe, secure and have everything they need. And fooling myself that this is sufficient when in fact it’s only necessary. I have been prioritising the big stuff when in fact it is the small stuff that is often way more important. I am/have repeated the mistakes that maybe my own father made in doing the same and which I could see clearly. I today feel incredibly foolish for not seeing it sooner. How have I let this happen? I can fully appreciate how my wife felt on her birthday. It is probably an example of the micro moments where I have missed the opportunity to make her feel special- which she is. I am just praying that I have not left it too late to see the error of my ways. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 I think many women would not have minded that much. My wife sometimes doesn't even want to celebrate her birthday big, except go out for dinner with me and the kids. (I've never tested this, I will take the precautionary trip to the jewellers'). But how women think about festive days can vary a great deal. It seems that for your wife her birthday is an important celebration. Something she's looking out to. Obviously she didn't get the praise, attention, gifts, signs of love she was hoping for. Apologize, let her know you realize you cut her short. And plan something special to make up. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author ObvanWan Posted May 6 Author Share Posted May 6 Thank you. Ive done all the apologising I can think of. It doesn’t seem to be cutting it. She is refusing to talk to me. Birthdays are not a huge thing but I have always got her a little something. Cooked her a meal or taken her out. All that was going to happen when we got home but….. I am in full on panic mode that there is something far more serious and sinister behind it all. This is just so unlike anything that has gone before! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 3 hours ago, ObvanWan said: Thank you. Ive done all the apologising I can think of. It doesn’t seem to be cutting it. She is refusing to talk to me. Birthdays are not a huge thing but I have always got her a little something. Cooked her a meal or taken her out. All that was going to happen when we got home but….. I am in full on panic mode that there is something far more serious and sinister behind it all. This is just so unlike anything that has gone before! It doesn't sound like this is just about a birthday, it sounds like this was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Think carefully back to the past year - did she voice any concerns that you brushed off? You say you focus a lot on being a "provider" rather than being a partner who is present, is that something that she was okay with? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 I agree. Given her response to the apologies there must be more than a missed birthday. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author ObvanWan Posted May 6 Author Share Posted May 6 Yes I agree I think you are correct. Looks like I have messed up big time!! And the damage to the relationship could be terminal. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 23 hours ago, ObvanWan said: Yes I agree I think you are correct. Looks like I have messed up big time!! And the damage to the relationship could be terminal. I mean, it's possible that not all is lost. Go to her and ask her to talk, promise her that you will listen to her concerns without interrupting and that you will work towards addressing these concerns. And then actually do that. Have you been to MC? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author ObvanWan Posted May 7 Author Share Posted May 7 Thank you. Tried that. Response was “No. There is nothing to talk about.” Game over it seems! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 1 hour ago, ObvanWan said: Thank you. Tried that. Response was “No. There is nothing to talk about.” Game over it seems! It's not game over until she walks out the door. Give her a few days to let the anger settle, then revisit it Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author ObvanWan Posted May 8 Author Share Posted May 8 There’s a chance you may be right. However, my sixth sense keeps telling me that is not the case. Knowing her like I do this is building up to something further rather than calming down to a point where we can engage or discuss. But I hope you are right and I will keep trying. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted May 8 Share Posted May 8 You seem to oblivious of what is really bothering your partner. Did she not send any signals? Or was it you not receiving them? You van always apologize for that part. And maybe she’s still down with therapy to help you guys communicate better. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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