Wife of 50 years has no patience with me and believes I am abusive to her.

[Fenway]

This evening a daughter-in-law called expecting to talk to my wife.   I spoke with her for a short time and took the phone to my wife on the patio, putting the speaker on and letting daughter-in-law know we were both there.   Greetings followed.   I announced that I was handing the phone to the wife and stopped and asked daughter in law a question about a college project her daughter was working on.    I assumed that the wife would also be interested in what our beloved grand daughter was working on, so I did not hand the phone to the wife as I had said I would and waited to hear about the project.   Daughter-in-law proudly started explaining all about it.    My wife instantly became very irritated because I failed to hand the phone to her immediately as I had said I would.  BTW, wife is close to grand daughter so it was not that she wasn't interested, just that she felt I was being abusive by not handing the phone to her right then.     She walked off saying "I will let you talk"     After finishing with daughter-in-law I found my wife and gave her the phone.   After they finished talking she told me I was being abusive and had no right to not hand the phone to her without engaging in further conversation with daughter-in-law.    I was told to never do that again.  She was very very upset and raised her voice somewhat.   My reaction was to walk away from her as she was going on about how bad and disrespectful I was.     Usually when I try to explain something that went wrong between us, she cuts me off and does not consider my opinion.   She says I "justify everything."    Here is the text I sent to her:  " My Dear,    Regarding the phone call tonight.    I left it on the speaker because I asked a question about our grand daughter.   I thought you yourself might also be interested in your grand daughters project.  Daughter-in-law proudly explained that it is grand daughters own project.    Afterwards you told me not to do that again.    You talked to me like I was your child and made a new rule for me.    I am your husband and am not your child.    Your idea is controlling and abusive.    I do not have to take that and that is why I walked away.   The question for you is:   Who do you think you are?   If you want a husband I am here for you.   If you just want someone to make rules for I will have to walk away. (meaning go to another room) Sorry Dear.   You are so bossy and you can’t seem to help yourself."    My text angered her.   She has no idea of what I am talking about.    I love her dearly and she is a very loving and generous wife and is fond of doing things for me.   She has many friends who depend on her and she is close to our grand children, and yes, still quite good looking.  (besides the point).   I feel she has become very impatient in some ways and has no idea of what she is doing to our relationship when these kinds of things come up.    She says I should put it out there for comments as she is totally convinced that she is right that I treated her badly by asking the daughter-in-law a question after I had already announced I would be handing the phone to her.   I feel like she was bullying me and I HAD to instantly hand her the phone as she has no patience.    Thank you

[NuevoYorko]

She certainly overreacted, and it seems like you both like to bandy around the term "abusive." Nobody was being abusive in this story.

When it comes down to straight etiquette,  I think it was incorrect for you to start a conversation of your own with your DIL when she'd called to speak to your wife and you were about to hand her the phone but then ended up having more interaction of your own.

Not sure why your wife would get so cranky about it unless it's typical for you to take over a conversation when you answer a call that was for her.   If you do it all the time, she might have just gotten super annoyed.  

It doesn't sound worth the drama.

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Fenway said:

 You talked to me like I was your child and made a new rule for me.    I am your husband and am not your child.    Your idea is controlling and abusive.    I do not have to take that and that is why I walked away.   The question for you is:   Who do you think you are?   If you want a husband I am here for you.   If you just want someone to make rules for I will have to walk away. (meaning go to another room) Sorry Dear.   You are so bossy and you can’t seem to help yourself."

I can see why you wanted to address the way your wife spoke to you, but this is not the way to do it.

I will straight up say that your wife's words were completely unnecessary and you were not being abusive at the time. However your response was so full of blame that it can only serve to escalate the situation.  While your wife can reconsider her expectation that you hand her the phone immediately, and apologise for it, you can't undo those things you said. 

If you want to address the issue, it works far better to use 'I statements'.   "I felt like I was being spoken to as if I was a child. If an issue needs to be addressed, I would like you to come to me so that we can discuss them together"

And both of you were wrong to be throwing around the word 'abusive' in this situation

Edited May 6 by basil67