Finally ready to meet, then ghosted - Update, a year later

[ellie-]

After a year I felt it's fair to all of you to follow up on this post here: 

You all were right. After he stood me up in March of last year, he reached out consistently afterwards till a week ago (so late April 2024). What changed though from January of last year on (when we had the fight, like explained in my initial post) was that he became hot and cold, sometimes even mean, cancelling another planned meeting in the summer and while overall keeping a grip on me, telling me how much he likes me, how much he wants to be part of my life and how much he adores me also telling me from April 2023 onwards that he is struggling badly with his marriage and his mental health which is why he can't meet yet. He never talked about these two topics with me before so I trusted him. From July of last year on he told me that he is in and out of clinics for his mental health issues. I became increasingly frustrated and asked him often to just be open with me so I know what is going on. He then always used either 1) I am struggling in my marriage 2) I am having mental health problems or 3) for him to open up more about the first two topics we have to meet in person (but this never happened, we never went for a coffee even). I also asked him every few weeks from April of last year on whether he has met someone new to which he always said no, he is just struggling really badly. Every time I distanced myself, he started to dangle the "let's meet" carrot in front of my face or lovebombed me back into this connection, manipulating me along the way. It was awful. 

Turns out ... he had a new girlfriend/mistress from March of last year on (I found out last week). When he ghosted me in March of last year, he took her out on a date. While he pretended to suffer, he was traveling with her, taking her out on beautiful dates and spending A LOT of time with her. All fine by me, but why did he string me along like that. He could've just ended it in March of last year instead of asking me out and then keeping this contact warm till last month. 

Till the very end he let me believe those two reasons (marriage issues, mental health issues) were why he can't meet me and the fact that we haven't met yet that he can't properly open up. And when I asked him whether he just wants to have fun he always said no, I want something emotional and special with you but that we have to meet in person first. It was only in the past month where he pushed for us to meet but at that point I lost my interest and had moved on which I have let him know (maybe this is why he asked/pushed to meet, I guess). But those thoughts are lingering - Why her? What does she have that I don't/didn't have? Was I not good enough? Why did he string me along like that pretending that we are at the cusp of starting something special with each other? Why not even go on one date with me or end it when he starts something new? Why continue reaching out and continue manipulating me? Why was I even in the mix? Did he even care about me one bit? And if I would've met him what was his plan with all of us? I have moved on, never want to meet him but these questions have been on my mind since last week. Maybe you have ideas on what this was.

For years (and even after he got with her, so from last year March onwards) till we ended it for real last week he kept tabs on me, was weirdly obsessed with me, asked often whether I have met someone new, watched all my stories, checked in with me, reached out often, sent me pictures, told me about his life, asked for pictures of me (not nude), told me he has feelings for me, how attractive I am and how much he feels drawn to me and said he wants to meet me badly. When I said well, every time we want to meet it doesn't work out? He said "I didn't take you serious when you said you want to meet" or "you know how badly I am struggling right now". He even told me he is obsessed with me, looks at my pictures all day, can't sleep because he thinks about me. All the while he is married AND in a full blown affair with another woman. 

Like explained earlier in my text, it was in March/April this year where I said this is not working out for me but he didn't want to accept this and continuously reached out afterwards, trying to suck me back in. And it was last week where I checked his social media out of curiosity. When I "confronted" him last week (I was super nice just saying: "Hey, I wish you would have told me, so I could've moved on way sooner instead of ending it myself because we didn't progress") he denied everything, laughed it off and told me he finally wants this to start between us, that too much time has passed and he wants to see me and when I said you have a girlfriend ...? He told me that's not true, that I am dramatic and then blocked me. I then blocked him everywhere as well. But it is true, he does have a girlfriend/mistress (they are not making a big secret out of it online, I just never checked till last week because I trusted him).

Nothing of this matters. It wasn't real and honestly, it's insane. I would have never thought he would do that, because he manipulated me to think that way. I am not hurt just a bit confused by his behaviour and mad at myself because it was a huge waste of time. What matters is all of you were right. I need to work on myself, raise my self esteem and make sure I never entertain something like this again. Let this be a cautionary tale to all of you who are currently in love with a MM or MW - you might not be the only one  and to trust the advice you receive in this forum. Also, sorry that I was so advice resistant last year. 

 

Edited May 5 by ellie-
I added something

[stillafool]

You were given good advice on the last thread to move on because expecting anything from a married man is a dead end.  You continue to blame him for remaining in a relationship with him when you are a grown woman perfectly cable of making and executing your own decisions.  You said you were through with him after he ghosted you in your last thread.  What happened?  He's going to do what a cheater does and that's cheat.  You knew that when you got back involved with him but kept going with your fantasy.  If he cheated on his wife he doesn't think twice about cheating on you.  Now he has a shiny new mistress and you're upset.  You were right about one thing, none of what you had was real.

[ellie-]

49 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Now he has a shiny new mistress and you're upset.  You were right about one thing, none of what you had was real. 

I am there with you. I should’ve moved on. He manipulated me into this fantasy and I should’ve seen him for what he is. He is a lying, highly manipulative, narcissistic and abusive man.

I shouldn’t have continued this contact but please let’s not pretend that the thought process resulting from the impact of emotional abuse is simply just me being upset about him having a new mistress. It’s more complex than this. 

I’m glad it’s over and will learn from it.

Edited May 5 by ellie-

[mark clemson]

In your case I think your characterizations of this guy may be accurate, including possibly the one about him being insane. My understanding is it's possible to be insane at a level/in a way where you can still function socially.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, ellie- said:

I would have never thought he would do that, because he manipulated me to think that way.

I think the learning here is to pay attention to the red flags and not to trust/stay with a man based on the person that you want him to be. You clearly feel manipulated but to a certain extent, you chose this for yourself despite a parade of red flags… But based on your reply above, you don’t seem quite ready to accept your role here just yet.  

If the fact that he was married and inconsistent with his communication/actions wasn’t enough of a red flag, the mental health issues should have given you further pause. It’s a little naive to believe that a healthy relationship could be built from such an unhealthy situation with an unhealthy partner. Good that it has ended, you take the learning and move on with your life to find the relationship that is truly intended for you. 

Edited May 6 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

I hope you're doing better now, OP. 

Please, don't get involved with married men in the future. And for any man showing you the red flags like this one did - run. Don't lean into it and double-down on trying to make something happen with them. 

[ellie-]

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Don't lean into it and double-down on trying to make something happen with them. 

I need to explore why I tried this. In my initial post last year I talked about for how long he was already in my life (over 6 years now) but it was only when he started this intense lovebombing two years ago that I fell for him. The years prior to that I thought he was weird and that something was odd about him which is why I kept my distance. 

I have my share in this dynamic and will work on and heal those parts in myself but I really didn’t think someone could be this malicious and sadistic. What I experienced is abuse. And I shouldn’t think that it was because of me or what I did, he clearly isn’t healthy. 

I don‘t know why I thought that at one point he would stop being this weird. There was a part of me that actually thought that if I meet him in real life he will be different and that after meeting in real life he would be this kind, loving and healthy man. I should’ve left WAY earlier into this contact or not even enable it years ago.

I just don’t know why I took his behavior so personal. I don’t know why I am thinking he is this dysfunctional, toxic, awkward and abusive man with me but with everyone else he must be healthy. That can’t be the case, at least I think so. 

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, ellie- said:

I am thinking he is this dysfunctional, toxic, awkward and abusive man with me but with everyone else he must be healthy. That can’t be the case, at least I think so.

Highly unlikey he doesn't behave this way with anyone else. 

19 minutes ago, ellie- said:

There was a part of me that actually thought that if I meet him in real life he will be different and that after meeting in real life he would be this kind, loving and healthy man.

I think this simply because you wanted him to be this man. So, you tried very hard to convince yourself of that narrative. Facing the truth about him (and this entire affair) would mean you had to let go of the fantasy, and there was something inside you that was afraid to let go. Were you lonely when you met him? 

[ellie-]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Were you lonely when you met him? 

Yes. I was at a very low and vulnerable place in my life in 2022. And that’s where he came in hot and heavy (compared to the prior year‘s).

And yes, I need to let go of this fantasy that he’s this sensitive, kind and healthy man. This behavior was toxic and manipulative, and not only last year till now. It always has been like this. I can never allow anyone to treat me like this ever again. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ellie- said:

I can never allow anyone to treat me like this ever again. 

This is true, and an important lesson. 

But you also have a responsibility to stay away from another woman's husband.  Even if the guy is feeding you all kinds of lines, you are an adult and by now ought to know better than to engage with a married man this way. 

[happyhorizons]

5 hours ago, ellie- said:

Yes. I was at a very low and vulnerable place in my life in 2022. And that’s where he came in hot and heavy (compared to the prior year‘s).

And yes, I need to let go of this fantasy that he’s this sensitive, kind and healthy man. This behavior was toxic and manipulative, and not only last year till now. It always has been like this. I can never allow anyone to treat me like this ever again. 

This ^^ is the right frame of mind. Nobody deserves to be treated poorly NOBODY.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, ellie- said:

I don‘t know why I thought that at one point he would stop being this weird. There was a part of me that actually thought that if I meet him in real life he will be different and that after meeting in real life he would be this kind, loving and healthy man. I should’ve left WAY earlier into this contact or not even enable it years ago.

This was unrealistic, he's a married man.  Where were your boundaries.

[ellie-]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

This was unrealistic, he's a married man.  Where were your boundaries.

I was in fantasy wonderland, unfortunately. 

[stillafool]

Just now, ellie- said:

I was in fantasy wonderland, unfortunately. 

Glad to see you're back.  LOL

[ellie-]

Just now, stillafool said:

Glad to see you're back.  LOL

Thank you for your tough love. I really should’ve listened last year. I had a terrible time and really struggled with this situation. Why he kept me warm? I don’t know. 

All I know is I can never allow myself to be treated like this again. Yes, his behavior was predatory and abusive but I had the agency to let it be and move on.

[stillafool]

When we know better, we do better, so don't be so hard on yourself.

[BaileyB]

Experiences are never wasted if we learn from them.