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Is this a breakup or something else?


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Cnate

27M have been in a relationship with 27F for a year and half now. Earlier this year I was going through a rough time, had to put my cat down and was also needing to find a job and was really struggling with my mental health. I feel as if I put too much pressure on my girlfriend to be overly supportive but at the same time I never really communicated what I needed from her. While I wish that I told her that I needed space to figure these things out, I instead told her I wasn't feeling the relationship anymore. We had some other issues as well like intimacy and decision making, but overall I felt very alone in this time.

With our lack of communication in the relationship, we never really ended the relationship and instead went a month and a half with just texting each other and met up once or twice. I did eventually find a job, and decided to work on myself a bit more. Part of this was meeting up with my girlfriend and spilling my feelings about how i'd like to continue to work on this relationship. We agreed to continue dating, but after just one time hanging out (1 week) she told me that she wanted a break with no contact. Essentially stating that she needed to figure out if this is the type of relationship she'd like to continue with.

I respected that and we went on a break for about a 3 weeks before I eventually reached out asking where she was at with it all. She called me up, and I explained to her how I've been working on myself through therapy and hobbies, but am still wanting to work on the relationship because I knew I could be a better partner. She told me that when we hung out last she couldn't get the thought that I didn't care about her out of her head. She said that she was happy to see me working on myself but it seemed like a punch in the face that I was doing it now, and if we were to stay and work on things then these thoughts of the past me would still bother her.

I kind of assumed this was going to be where her head was at, but she mentioned that she could feel differently about it all in a couple weeks or a month. She just didn't want to drag me along, which is hard because i'm optimistic things could work. We ended the call, but never really came to a conclusion as to what we were doing. So I called her back and asked, what are we right now? Is this still a break or are we broken up? She responded with broken up. This confuses me because I asked her earlier why she hadn't broken up with me yet, and her response was that she loved me and cared for me. 

Why is it that I had to almost force her to give me an answer on this? I'm not sure if I should be waiting for her to change her mind or if I should use this phone call as closure to the end of the relationship. It's also just wild to me that you could be with someone for this long, and it ends with a phone call. 

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ExpatInItaly
6 hours ago, Cnate said:

Why is it that I had to almost force her to give me an answer on this?

Likely because it's hard to deliver the news that you don't want to be with someone anymore. I have had to do it and it was difficult to spit the words out - not because I still wanted to be with him, but because I knew it was going to hurt him. 

6 hours ago, Cnate said:

It's also just wild to me that you could be with someone for this long, and it ends with a phone call. 

To be fair, how you do you think she felt when you told her this?:

6 hours ago, Cnate said:

I instead told her I wasn't feeling the relationship anymore

 

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Cnate
3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Likely because it's hard to deliver the news that you don't want to be with someone anymore. I have had to do it and it was difficult to spit the words out - not because I still wanted to be with him, but because I knew it was going to hurt him. 

To be fair, how you do you think she felt when you told her this?:

 

I can understand that, she is not very good at making decisions nor was able to communicate much throughout our relationship. So I see why it could be hard to be the one to break up with someone whether it's over the phone or not. But I do wonder if I hadn't called her back to confirm what we were then what would have come of that? Would it have just been open to interpretation or assumption that we're broken up?

 

I know looking back that I shouldn't have said what I said, and I've told her that. I feel terrible for putting her through all that and giving her an idea that I was over it when in reality I just needed time to myself to figure things out. I assume she took that as a break up though and probably started her grieving process despite us still talking. 

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ExpatInItaly
10 minutes ago, Cnate said:

But I do wonder if I hadn't called her back to confirm what we were then what would have come of that? Would it have just been open to interpretation or assumption that we're broken up?

As you seem to realize, none of the above really matters. 

Don't waste mental energy on a hypothetical. She has now ended it, so all you can do is focus on healing and moving forward. 

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Cnate
25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

As you seem to realize, none of the above really matters. 

Don't waste mental energy on a hypothetical. She has now ended it, so all you can do is focus on healing and moving forward. 

Yeah, you're right. It's just tough because it's not the closure I needed to be able to move on and it's got me overthinking little things like this. Should I put any thought into Instagram photos, like she's got all these photos of us still up. Maybe that's the closer I need once she deletes those. 

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Gebidozo
3 hours ago, Cnate said:

Yeah, you're right. It's just tough because it's not the closure I needed to be able to move on

Post-breakup closure is not something your ex should give you, it’s something you work on and get yourself. Don’t waste any further time and mental energy wondering why she did this or that. You’re broken up. Move on.

3 hours ago, Cnate said:

Should I put any thought into Instagram photos, like she's got all these photos of us still up. Maybe that's the closer I need once she deletes those. 

I honestly don’t understand this whole thing with deleting photos. I know this girl who keeps posting photos with any guy she’s currently with. Every time a boyfriend changes, she deletes all her old photos. First it’s five pictures per day with the caption “omg, the love of my life, love u to death xxx”, then it’s suddenly gone, as if that person had never existed. It’s creepy, like Orwell’s “1984”.

 

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ExpatInItaly
8 hours ago, Cnate said:

Should I put any thought into Instagram photos, like she's got all these photos of us still up.

No. 

I know plenty of people who still have exes from several relationships ago lingering in the dustier corners of their social media. It means nothing. 

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