Why would he want to meet as friends and then disappear again?

[basil67]

1 minute ago, PeachPalm1 said:

That’s making me worry what’s wrong with my body, oh god  I’m worried I’m undesirable. He was like this from the start with sex, passionate and worshipping my body but when it moved to the act itself, he seemed to get nervous. Oh god  

If he's nervous, that's got nothing to do with your body.....it's about him getting inside his own head

[PeachPalm1]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

If he's nervous, that's got nothing to do with your body.....it's about him getting inside his own head

Yeah he seemed so inexperienced. Maybe he was worried he couldn’t please me. 
I dunno.

not sure why he came back to be friends, felt we were getting close again and then vanished  

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yeah he seemed so inexperienced. Maybe he was worried he couldn’t please me. 
I dunno.

not sure why he came back to be friends, felt we were getting close again and then vanished  

Could be a porn addiction.   I'm hearing from young women about plenty of this going on with guys they date  

[PeachPalm1]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Could be a porn addiction.   I'm hearing from young women about plenty of this going on with guys they date  

I just feel doomed. I’m an attractive woman, just don’t get the matches on hinge with the men I am compatible with or attracted to. Bumble I have no issues with but the men are bad at carrying the conversation. I’m tired and worried now I’m 28, have I ran out of time 

[Alpacalia]

Okay. Get a grip here

Now you're thinking he's not into it because you weren't some aggressive sex hero. Just because you weren't like porn stars together. You two were dating. You had good bounds that not always involved intense sexual connections. Some men like that. But he's gone now, so your mindstrings start to play 'the single player game again'.

If having consciousgassm isn't what you need right now, I've always found a good distraction is working out some negative self image. 

He is independent from any conclusion I could think of. What he likes and doesn't just is not up to us. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You say you two were so compaitble, but then in the same breath admit the sex wasn't good and he always hurried through your time together and kept you at a distance. 

That is not what compatibility looks like. You are re-writing history in your own mind because you wanted this to be a match, but it just wasn't.  Yeah, you two clicked in some ways but not in many others. 

You have to stop fixating on this one guy so much. He was not right for you. 

[PeachPalm1]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Okay. Get a grip here

Now you're thinking he's not into it because you weren't some aggressive sex hero. Just because you weren't like porn stars together. You two were dating. You had good bounds that not always involved intense sexual connections. Some men like that. But he's gone now, so your mindstrings start to play 'the single player game again'.

If having consciousgassm isn't what you need right now, I've always found a good distraction is working out some negative self image. 

He is independent from any conclusion I could think of. What he likes and doesn't just is not up to us. 

It’s just I pay for hinge, send out dozens of likes a day which results in zero matches bwck. Every day this year. I’ve worked on my profile, lots of nice pictures, me on my travels, mixture of prompts, friends say it’s a good profile… but I get nothing, coupled with this guys behaviour and I worry what’s wrong with me. Hence I worry he’s my last chance. I don’t know what to do, even when I get out and about in my city, don’t meet people 

[ExpatInItaly]

47 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Hence I worry he’s my last chance.

He isn't an option for you, though.

He let this go, so in kindness, there isn't a chance here anyway. 

50 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

even when I get out and about in my city, don’t meet people 

What sort of activities or events do you participate in? 

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He isn't an option for you, though.

He let this go, so in kindness, there isn't a chance here anyway. 

What sort of activities or events do you participate in? 

I go the the gym, do volunteering , that’s about all I have time for due to work, but don’t meet men through that either 

He actually messaged me an hour ago with an update of his new job, and asked how I’m doing. So he hasn’t gone completely. He’s asked if I’ll be around soon to hang out 

[basil67]

40 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I go the the gym, do volunteering , that’s about all I have time for due to work, but don’t meet men through that either 

He actually messaged me an hour ago with an update of his new job, and asked how I’m doing. So he hasn’t gone completely. He’s asked if I’ll be around soon to hang out 

He's treating you like a yo-yo

[PeachPalm1]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

He's treating you like a yo-yo

But why? Why are people never excited about me. I feel like moving countries as noone wants me here

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But why? 

In this case, because you are letting him. 

Stop communicating with him. You already know he doesn't see a future with you so it is senseless to be on stand-by in case he gets bored or wants attention. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But why? Why are people never excited about me. I feel like moving countries as noone wants me here

This is not true.  It's just that the men who are interested in you, you don't want.   You yourself said you're very picky. That could also be the case with this guy, he's picky.  He likes you as a person/friend, but not romantically.  It's up to you to protect your heart and not hang around men who will hurt you.  If he's told you that you aren't his type, you need to block him.

[PeachPalm1]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

This is not true.  It's just that the men who are interested in you, you don't want.   You yourself said you're very picky. That could also be the case with this guy, he's picky.  He likes you as a person/friend, but not romantically.  It's up to you to protect your heart and not hang around men who will hurt you.  If he's told you that you aren't his type, you need to block him.

He used to always tell me how similar we are and how well we get along. He used to tell me I was hot and he would hold my hand kiss my forehead.

but after dates he would be all cold and distant. 
 

imnnot sure if it’s because he was deciding if he will stay in this country long term or go back to his home country the other side of the world 

[NuevoYorko]

22 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But why am I only good to be a boredom buster  he’s the only person who actually makes time and effort to come and see me. He travelled 1.5 hours to meet up with me. 

Nobody here actually knows you, we have not interacted with you.  If you are so desperately lonely that you put all of your hopes on a guy that you dated a little while and who was always distant, I think you need to take a look at what you are bringing to your friendships.  I get the impression that you are needy and passive when it comes to being a friend.

I can tell you for sure that EVERYONE has people come and go in their lives.  It doesn't mean that we are "only good to be a boredom buster."

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

It’s just I pay for hinge, send out dozens of likes a day which results in zero matches bwck. Every day this year. I’ve worked on my profile, lots of nice pictures, me on my travels, mixture of prompts, friends say it’s a good profile… but I get nothing, coupled with this guys behaviour and I worry what’s wrong with me. Hence I worry he’s my last chance. I don’t know what to do, even when I get out and about in my city, don’t meet people 

For the same reason the men aren't messaging you back is the same reason you're picky yourself. I don't know what those reasons are, but we all have them and we're the only ones capable of figuring them out. Once you do you'll figure out what you're looking for in a man and you'll get better dates.

[stillafool]

33 minutes ago, PeachPalm1 said:

imnnot sure if it’s because he was deciding if he will stay in this country long term or go back to his home country the other side of the world 

Kindley, I think this is wishful thinking on your part.  Telling you that you he does not feel a romantic connection is all you need to hear.  Believe people when they tell you how they feel.  You yourself said he always kept dates short and was in a rush to get you out of his house when you stayed over.  Why didn't you ask him to travel 1.5 hours to visit you instead of you doing all the heavy lifting?

[PeachPalm1]

24 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Kindley, I think this is wishful thinking on your part.  Telling you that you he does not feel a romantic connection is all you need to hear.  Believe people when they tell you how they feel.  You yourself said he always kept dates short and was in a rush to get you out of his house when you stayed over.  Why didn't you ask him to travel 1.5 hours to visit you instead of you doing all the heavy lifting?

I didn’t do it all we alternated travel.

it’s just I genuinely don’t click with anyone in that way. He said we really clicked too. Even last time we met up. I’m just confused why finally I got a chance at love and this happened 

[stillafool]

 

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

He used to always tell me how similar we are and how well we get along. He used to tell me I was hot and he would hold my hand kiss my forehead.

but after dates he would be all cold and distant. 
 

 

16 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

Yes the last date we had, he cooked dinner for me, he was calling me beautiful, kissing me in the kitchen. Although, when it came to the bedroom, did seem nervous, stating that he was thinking too much. In fact, the sex with a lousy, but I was confident  things will get better,  Then after the date, sending me cute date ideas, memes and recipes. Then suddenly pulls away after I sent a little bit of a flirty text. Is distant for 2 weeks and then ends things and says he doesn’t feel the romantic aspect

Really confusing! We didn’t speak to for two months, and then we started texting again as friends. Our next date before we ended things were supposed to be going to play golf, and so I’m in the car he took me to play golf and get lunch. He went back to texting me all the time he was texting me till early hours of the morning one night, and it felt like your connection was once again growing. Anyone to sleep, and he never spoke to me I reached out to me ever again. I don’t understand it.

 

18 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

when I stayed over, in the mornings I had this sense he was hurrying me out. Like he would make me coffee and be like ‘I’ll drop you at the station at 9am.’ Then he wouldn’t text me to check I got home safe 

Every single date he would keep shortish because he would ALWAYS have plans with his mates straight after. He could never give me a full day 

I beat myself up Abojt it. Maybe this his way to avoid feelings?

 

No, he isn't avoiding his feelings.  He told you how he felt and his actions show you this.  You just refuse to accept it.

20 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

 

Him coming back to be friends meant a lot to me as I don’t want to lose that connection. 

 

Why? Trying to hold onto him is going to keep you in pain.  You cannot try to be "just friends" with a man who doesn't love you back.  It's unrequited.  What will you do or feel when you find out he's dating others and has met a woman he wants a relationship with?  You'll be really hurt that you put yourself in this condition.                             

19 hours ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I was attracted to this man instantly though. I just knew. From the way he cooked nice meals catering for my allergies, to how he always made sure he had a nice fancy bottle of wine for us to try at dinner. And then he turned around and said he didn’t feel romantic 

I just can’t help wonder what I lack. I keep worrying I didn’t ask the right questions. I wasn’t feminine enough 

or perhaps he was never truly open to the idea of a relationship. With anyone. He deleted all his dating apps after he ended things with me 

He sounds like a good dater who knows how to woo women and make them feel comfortable.  He's probably dating more than just you and that's why he goes missing.  He may have deleted his dating profile because he's met someone.

[PeachPalm1]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

 

 

No, he isn't avoiding his feelings.  He told you how he felt and his actions show you this.  You just refuse to accept it.

Why? Trying to hold onto him is going to keep you in pain.  You cannot try to be "just friends" with a man who doesn't love you back.  It's unrequited.  What will you do or feel when you find out he's dating others and has met a woman he wants a relationship with?  You'll be really hurt that you put yourself in this condition.                             

He sounds like a good dater who knows how to woo women and make them feel comfortable.  He's probably dating more than just you and that's why he goes missing.  He may have deleted his dating profile because he's met someone.

But he wouldn’t meet up with me 1 on 1 2 months after he ended things if he was seeing someone else. Wouldn’t that be disrespectful to her? Took me to golf and kept touching my bum??

and if he was so experienced with dating, would he really have seemed so inexperienced in the bedroom? And had those problems that he had 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

But he wouldn’t meet up with me 1 on 1 2 months after he ended things if he was seeing someone else. Wouldn’t that be disrespectful to her? Took me to golf and kept touching my bum??

and if he was so experienced with dating, would he really have seemed so inexperienced in the bedroom? And had those problems that he had 

Maybe he's met someone new.  Yes he could have been dating and seeing other women during his time seeing you. 1-2 times a month is nothing.  He's got 28 more days to play.  Sooner or later they meet someone they want and stop dating others.  You told him you wanted to be his friend so when you started flirting he shut you down.  So you guys wouldn't get back to trying to have sex again. That's my take on it.

[PeachPalm1]

57 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Maybe he's met someone new.  Yes he could have been dating and seeing other women during his time seeing you. 1-2 times a month is nothing.  He's got 28 more days to play.  Sooner or later they meet someone they want and stop dating others.  You told him you wanted to be his friend so when you started flirting he shut you down.  So you guys wouldn't get back to trying to have sex again. That's my take on it.

I didn’t flirt with him, he was the one touching me. He never shut me down?

 

he has moved to start his new job and has stopped being active on social media. Maybe he’s just focused on his new career?

[Alpacalia]

This guy is not interested in you romantically. He's been honest with you about not feeling romantic and wanting to just be friends, so why are you ignoring that and clinging onto hope for something more? He takes days to reply, spaces out dates, and stops talking to you for months at a time. That is not the behavior of someone who is interested in pursuing a relationship.

Also, stop overanalyzing his every move and trying to decipher hidden meanings. He touched your bum? So what? It doesn't mean anything. He hasn't updated you on his job? Maybe he's just busy with work. He hasn't responded to your accidental call? He probably didn't even realize you called.

Once you accept that this guy is no longer interested, the sooner you'll free yourself from this.

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you --- in fact, the only thing wrong here is that you're continuing to pursue someone who has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with you.

[basil67]

@PeachPalm1 kindly, you're picking at scabs.  Just let the disappointment heal and move on

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, PeachPalm1 said:

I didn’t flirt with him, he was the one touching me. He never shut me down?

 

On 4/28/2024 at 7:28 PM, PeachPalm1 said:

Then after the date, sending me cute date ideas, memes and recipes. Then suddenly pulls away after I sent a little bit of a flirty text. Is distant for 2 weeks and then ends things and says he doesn’t feel the romantic aspect

Really confusing! We didn’t speak to for two months, and then we started texting again as friends. Our next date before we ended things were supposed to be going to play golf, and so I’m in the car he took me to play golf and get lunch.

The underlined is where you sent him just a little bit of a flirty text and he pulled away from you.  Then ended whatever you guys were doing and telling you he doesn't feel the romantic aspect with you.  After 2 months he probably thought you were over it, like him, so he started texting again as friends.  Playing golf and lunch is a friends activity.  Going out to dinner and a show or dancing is a date and sets the stage for romance.   Why do you not believe what is clear to the rest of us?  

Edited April 30 by stillafool