Update.

[JustADepressedGirl]

Hi I don't know if you remember me but this was my initial post some time ago

so an update and request for more advice and support.

I read all your replies to my last post and sat with it a while but honestly I wasn't ready to accept what was being said.

Coming up for 2 months ago now, something happened one morning and in the middle of the shop on my way to work I had a full blown anxiety attack as I suddenly felt that I had in fact been abused, it hit me like a train amd I've been signed off for the last two months as I was suicidal and unable to leave the house. I immediately blocked him and haven't spoken to him since.

Recently I told everyone about what had happened when I was a child, the affair everything.

Because of my job, and safeguarding today my workplace have reported him to the police.

I am feeling very shakey right now but know this is the right thing.

I thank you all for your previous support and patience as I really wasn't ready to accept it then.

I'm still all over the place at the moment but I need support to stay the course with regards to the the police ect.

I don't want anything to do with MM I know what he did was very very wrong.

 

 

[stillafool]

Welcome back.  Did you and MM get back together after you last posted in October 2023?  Or did you move on from him and now have the revelation that he abused you when you were 12?  How old were you when you first had sex with MM?  I'm sorry you're going through this.

[JustADepressedGirl]

Hello

I did initially get back together with him back in October and the poor communication continued until I suppose it was slowly dawning on me that it was abusive.

Then it suddenly, around two months ago properly hit me like really truly. That was when I immediately blocked him without even saying anything. I was a mess but I knew I had to stay away from him.

I was 12 and he was 20 the relationship back then lasted quite a few years, it was a slow build up becoming more and more sexual, kissing touching, having me give him oral. My first time sex was somewhere between 12 and 16 on my neighbours lounge floor with his hand over my mouth.

I'm very shakey about the police and the way this has completely rewritten my childhood in a sense.

I feel I'm going to lose my friend over all this (he's her cousin) there are just more layers to this than I could have ever have imagined.

I can't remember if I said previously as my head is all over the place at the moment but I can get 6 free counselling sessions through my workplace. Which I think would be wise to take up at this point. 

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, JustADepressedGirl said:

Then it suddenly, around two months ago properly hit me like really truly. That was when I immediately blocked him without even saying anything. I was a mess but I knew I had to stay away from him.

Did anything happen between you and him at that time that triggered this?  You are very brave and I'm sure your friend (his cousin) should understand you were just a child being groomed by an older man for sex.  Is he still married and do they have children?  Did he ever promise you he was going to leave his wife for you?  Does his wife know now that he sexually abused you as a child?  Are your parents aware of it too?

[JustADepressedGirl]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did anything happen between you and him at that time that triggered this?  You are very brave and I'm sure your friend (his cousin) should understand you were just a child being groomed by an older man for sex.  Is he still married and do they have children?  Did he ever promise you he was going to leave his wife for you?  Does his wife know now that he sexually abused you as a child?  Are your parents aware of it too?

I'd brought up when I was a child several times too him and he'd always made out "it wasn't like that" and I suppose part of me wanted to believe that but in the end it was a continuation of the communication issues it all just bundled on top of each other until I couldn't deny the reality anymore.

My friend I'm not so sure she encouraged me too keep it quiet as the affair wouldn't look good, he really had feelings for me ect. Since I've spoken out she hasn't spoken to me at all.

He is as far as I know still married. He has a daughter from a previous marriage that has nothing to do with him. With his current wife he has a step son who's around 22 years old. His wife found out a few times about me but he's lied to her and denied and as of yet she doesn't know about when I was a child, I imagine that will change with the police now being involved.

No he never said he'd leave his wife for me. He did say alot of bad things about her but now I'm thinking that she's probably just as mistreated by him as I was of course i don't know that for sure.

I don't feel very brave, I feel a mixture of things relief it's in the open but also scared and shakey and some part of me is ashamed for being involved with him and not seeing things the way they were.

And yes my entire family knows  I have told everybody to get support 

Edited April 26 by JustADepressedGirl

[mark clemson]

If he was 22 and you were 14, I believe anywhere in the US, it's statutory rape. Actually getting him tried and convicted may be another matter - that tends to be easier said than done + specific laws where you live (e.g. statue of limitations, what constitutes evidence) and the quality of lawyer he can/can't afford may come into play.

If notifying people eventually filters back to impact him, there may be some "justice" for you in that arena too. It might end up being more than you get via the legal system, but I guess how this plays out remains to be seen.

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, JustADepressedGirl said:

I don't feel very brave, I feel a mixture of things relief it's in the open but also scared and shakey and some part of me is ashamed for being involved with him and not seeing things the way they were.

First, hugs to you. If we were friends in real life, I would simply offer you the biggest hug right now. I’m so sorry that you are having such a difficult time.

I think you would be very wise to see that counsellor. If the number of sessions are limited, perhaps they can point you in the direction of free resources when you are done. I would very, very strongly advise you to see a counsellor. You may also benefit from seeing a physician for a short term trial of some medication to help you through this difficult time.

My one hope for you - that you let go of any shame that you feel. You were the victim here - you have no reason to be ashamed. If you are feeling like you should have know, I would offer the wise words of Maya Angelou - when you know better, you do better. You are now on the path to a healthier future for yourself - it’s hard, but you should be very proud of that. 

You may lose your friend, as she has conflicting interests here, but that’s ok. There will be other friends, and you have other supports. Your work sounds amazingly supportive. There is a lot to be grateful for, even if you grieve the loss of your friend.

This too shall pass. You have some healing to do, and some coping skills to learn, but it will get better. You set yourself on a better path the day you blocked this man - never go back. This chapter in your life is finished - it’s time to write a new chapter now… Best wishes. 

Edited April 27 by BaileyB

[spiderowl]

On 4/26/2024 at 3:57 PM, JustADepressedGirl said:

Hello

I did initially get back together with him back in October and the poor communication continued until I suppose it was slowly dawning on me that it was abusive.

Then it suddenly, around two months ago properly hit me like really truly. That was when I immediately blocked him without even saying anything. I was a mess but I knew I had to stay away from him.

I was 12 and he was 20 the relationship back then lasted quite a few years, it was a slow build up becoming more and more sexual, kissing touching, having me give him oral. My first time sex was somewhere between 12 and 16 on my neighbours lounge floor with his hand over my mouth.

I'm very shakey about the police and the way this has completely rewritten my childhood in a sense.

I feel I'm going to lose my friend over all this (he's her cousin) there are just more layers to this than I could have ever have imagined.

I can't remember if I said previously as my head is all over the place at the moment but I can get 6 free counselling sessions through my workplace. Which I think would be wise to take up at this point. 

 

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened to you in general.  You have been misused by a predator, lost your father to the pandemic, abused by your ex husband, and now you are facing what might happen as a result of the truth coming out.  You are bound to feel very mixed up and confused.  People cannot help but see the good side of their abusers as well as the bad.  It is natural but a lot to cope with.  You do need to be able to see a good counsellor to help you work through all this. You are not at fault here, you were vulnerable and later that predator took advantage of your emotional vulnerability again.  If your cousin cannot see that he is a predator, that is not your fault.  She is probably going through the same kind of confusion and cognitive dissonance as you.

Apart from seeing a counsellor, the best thing you can do now is to 'weather the storm'.  It will pass eventually.  Take each day as it comes until you reach that point.  Let the police and courts take responsibility and decide what to do. The predator should have known better.  He was an adult and he must have been aware of the law.  He is responsible for choosing to ignore it, not you.

I do understand some of what you've been through.  I lost my father and a sister to Covid.  It is a huge blow and for you came on top of everything else.  I don't know how much of being involved with a predator affected your self esteem and vulnerability to abuse, but it can't have helped to have had to keep that secret.  Keeping a secret can make one feel very different to the rest of society.  Things can change from this moment on.  You do not have to accept any abuse from anyone.  You are worth so much more than you have gone along with so far.  Today is when things can change for you and you can separate the past from the present.  The present is when others answer for their behaviour.  The future for you is full of promise and better treatment.  You have the experience to recognise abusers now and avoid them. You can be proud of yourself for getting this far and starting a new chapter.

Edited April 30 by spiderowl

[Oldenuff2know]

I am sorry for what you have gone through. What happened to you as a child most likely played a role in your selection of an abusive husband. I am glad you are out of that situation. Right now, I hope you take some time to yourself to unwrap everything that you've been through (hopefully with the help of a therapist). I spent a lifetime glossing over what happened to me as a child (at the hands of my older brother) and it resulted in me not having a good self-esteem when it came to relationships. I sold myself short and accepted poor treatment because I didn't think I deserved any better. It has taken me to the age of 63 to finally realize my self-worth. I'm sad about the years I wasted, settling and not thinking I deserved better for myself. Don't waste another moment of your time feeling shame or second-guessing your decision to go to the authorities. It's quite possible you were not his only victim and he deserves to pay for what he took from you. Take care of yourself!