There are only very few fights, but they are nasty

[basil67]

Perhaps you're worrying about this stuff because you're not feeling good in the relationship? 

I don't know if your sexual need are getting met, but if he's on porn and you're not getting enough sex, this is a very real problem

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I do want to deal with my problem, I just feel like this is not a me problem, but a men problem.

So is it your problem or a men problem?

I think it’s your problem, but apparently you aren’t convinced.

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I feel fine, then I notice something just like I said before, for example a music video. And I think to myself, why does this happen exactly ?

Why do you care? As long as it’s not affecting your sex life, your long walks, cuddles, and so on - why do you care? Count your blessings, be happy that you have a nice boyfriend with whom you can do all those beautiful things you’ve described. Why are you letting his personal quirks worry you so much?

[Gaeta]

I've told you a couple of times in this thread to educate yourself on the matter. There are studies on the matter of porn usage that explains why men (women) will look at it. But, instead of reading on the *science* of it you picked tiktok as your reference.

You don't want to learn & understand, you just want to be right.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't know how many posts you've made here and on other boards about this subject, but I've seen plenty.  And not a single time has anyone supported your position, on these threads.  

But you're searching high and low.

To be clear:  YES porn can be a problem, it can desensitize people to actual live sex, people can have an addiction to porn.   

But porn is NOT inherently a problem.   

And, trying to control your partner like you do is a GIGANTIC problem.  Even if he were desensitized, addicted and completely abandoning you sexually it would still be wrong.  

Why?

Because you are with HIM.   And he is who he is.  If this is bad for you, what you need to do is to move on - not try to browbeat, manipulate, and control his mind and body.

I hope you will finally grasp this.

[Els]

10 hours ago, brokenbird said:

Or mainly broken people find these videos. 

Yes. If you look around a bit on LS, you will find a thread where the male poster is doing the same thing as you are. He has gone down the rabbit hole of redpill/manosphere ideology (while he hasn't said this, it's extremely obvious due to the terminology that he uses). The more he views videos/websites/social media/influencer pages that validate his views, the more his social media/youtube/google search algorithm will display exactly those results to him. This also tends to get more and more extreme with time, and eventually leads to the impression that "everyone" feels the same way that he (or you) does. But this is not reality - it is simply the hole that social media algorithms have dug for you.

I say this with kindness - please talk to a therapist about your anxiety and your tendency to fixate on these things. Don't stay in that hole, you need to make the effort to climb out of it. Otherwise you will only be sabotaging your own life and your relationships.

Edited May 7 by Els

[basil67]

In your boyfriend's defense, if the girls he's looking at are on IG and music videos, this is very mild.   Apparently there is quite a bit of violent porn out there, and thank your lucky stars that he's watching that stuff.

[brokenbird]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps you're worrying about this stuff because you're not feeling good in the relationship? 

I don't know if your sexual need are getting met, but if he's on porn and you're not getting enough sex, this is a very real problem

For the first question, no. I get what I need and want, its just when I see something related to that kind of content, I go sad instantly

I have a bit higher libido than him. Well not really, I have a libido which is able to win against being tired. So its really like this : he is in the mood for sex but he is tired = no sex. I am in the mood but I am tired = sex. Because sex makes me energized, and him being tired makes him feel like he cant perform. This means that he is more likely to reject sex, but it goes like him saying "later", and not "not today", which leads to me having to wait until he had a nap and after that, he is fine. There are weeks when we do it almost every day, and weeks where I want it more in the sense I wrote it above.  He doesnt watch porn, nor does he masturbate

[basil67]

8 hours ago, brokenbird said:

He doesnt watch porn, nor does he masturbate

If he doesn't watch porn and allegedly doesn't masturbate, why did you update this thread with a comment about girls getting upset about boys watching porn?  It's completely irrelevant if he's not looking at it

[brokenbird]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If he doesn't watch porn and allegedly doesn't masturbate, why did you update this thread with a comment about girls getting upset about boys watching porn?  It's completely irrelevant if he's not looking at it

Because not too long ago he was listening to the kind of music where the music video is filled with explicit sexual content of women wearing lingerie, and after that moment he masturbated. People here told me that its fine. The same happened in that video I found, with hundreds of girls saying that is more than bad, straight up trash. I feel like if hundreds of girls "suffer" this occurence, then probably its really 999/1000 guys doing it,and maybe we should just give up worrying if we want to date men

[NuevoYorko]

Well, at least you got full control over his masturbation.   

Do you think that your "suffering" because he got turned on looking at sexy dancers in a music video was greater than his suffering from having his own personal sexuality completely squelched by his "loved one"?  

I don't think so.

You've taken something away from him that was his, and his alone - his personal sexuality and freedom to masturbate when and how he wanted.

Also, actually, his freedom to look at what he wants to in his free time.

He took no action upon you in any way.

Anyway ... it's weird that you have had a resounding success in controlling this man's interior life and sexuality - yet you are STILL obsessing over it.   

When will you be satisfied? 

[NotToday]

He didn't do anything wrong. He's a man in his 20s, frankly I would be more shocked to hear he doesn't have a desire to masturbate. It has nothing to do with his feelings towards you. Your insecurities over this will ruin your relationship. Respectfully, I think this has lasted as long as it has due to his inexperience in relationships. I predict that if you keep pushing this, he will become more and more resentful until he finally walks away.

[brokenbird]

26 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Well, at least you got full control over his masturbation.   

Do you think that your "suffering" because he got turned on looking at sexy dancers in a music video was greater than his suffering from having his own personal sexuality completely squelched by his "loved one"?  

I don't think so.

You've taken something away from him that was his, and his alone - his personal sexuality and freedom to masturbate when and how he wanted.

Also, actually, his freedom to look at what he wants to in his free time.

He took no action upon you in any way.

Anyway ... it's weird that you have had a resounding success in controlling this man's interior life and sexuality - yet you are STILL obsessing over it.   

When will you be satisfied? 

How do I have control exactly if what Im saying is the exact opposite, it being that he masturbated to what he wanted to ?

 

17 minutes ago, NotToday said:

He didn't do anything wrong. He's a man in his 20s, frankly I would be more shocked to hear he doesn't have a desire to masturbate. It has nothing to do with his feelings towards you. Your insecurities over this will ruin your relationship. Respectfully, I think this has lasted as long as it has due to his inexperience in relationships. I predict that if you keep pushing this, he will become more and more resentful until he finally walks away.

The only thing I dont agree with is the 20s part. I dont remember who, but someone here said something like this "you are naive for thinking that he acts like this because he is 25, men over 30 and even 40 use porn".  My views on porn changed a very bit. These are my feelings, no one has to agree. For me, there is a difference between being in sexual mood and therefore choosing some content to masturbate to, and between checking out sexual content for example on youtube, instagram, etc, just because why not watch other women while I have my own, and then getting turned on and masturbating after. For me, the first one is totally fine. But the latter one seems very much disrespectful. The first one is fantasy created because of need for bodily statisfaction, and he second one is purely boredom and being unfulfilled with your life. I can talk for myself, too. Let's say I watch my fav series and I get turned on by something I saw for entertainment, not because I wanted to check out some dude. I think that is fine, its normal. Or I purposefully look for porn (which I dont, let me clarify) because I want to masturbate. That is fine too. But purposefully watching guys on Instagram because my boyfriend is not enough to have my attention, and then masturbating to their pics, that would feel disrespectful as hell. So for me, porn and checking out people is different. 

If he used porn because he was horny and I was not there, fine. I dont like it , but he used it because his genitals didn't let him be calm. But to be so bored and not content at all that he checks out stuff for fun (which he did not do apsrt from that one time) hurts me. 

Edited May 7 by brokenbird

[basil67]

1 minute ago, brokenbird said:

How do I have control exactly if what Im saying is the exact opposite, it being that he masturbated to what he wanted to ?

 

The only thing I dont agree with is the 20s part. I dont remember who, but someone here said something like this "you are naive for thinking that he acts like this because he is 25, men over 30 and even 40 use porn".  My views on porn changed a very bit. These are my feelings, no one has to agree. For me, there is a difference between being in sexual mood and therefore choosing some content to masturbate to, and between checking out sexual content for example on youtube, instagram, etc, just because why not watch other women while I have my own, and then getting turned on and masturbating after. For me, the first one is totally fine. But the latter one seems very much disrespectful. The first one is fantasy created because of need for bodily statisfaction, and he second one is purely boredom and being unfulfilled with your life. I can talk for myself, too. Let's say I watch my fav series and I get turned on by something I saw for entertainment, not because I wanted to check out some dude. I think that is fine, its normal. Or I purposefully look for porn (which I dont, let me clarify) because I want to masturbate. That is fine too. But purposefully watching guys on Instagram because my boyfriend is not enough to have my attention, and then masturbating to their pics, that would feel disrespectful as hell. So for me, porn and checking out people is different. 

You're right that your feelings are your feelings.  Did you keep this to yourself or did you tell you boyfriend that him masturbating or watching porn is disrespectful to you?   Did you disagree or push the point that he should be having sex with you instead of having a bit of personal time?  

[brokenbird]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're right that your feelings are your feelings.  Did you keep this to yourself or did you tell you boyfriend that him masturbating or watching porn is disrespectful to you?   Did you disagree or push the point that he should be having sex with you instead of having a bit of personal time?  

I told him that I felt like the music video event was disrespectful for one reason. Because I asked him to open up so I have a chance to prove that I can react in a normal manner, instead of having to find out myself. Because these things mostly hurt because I feel like I am being lied to. Lately he admitted himself (not because I asked, but because we have weekly talks where we discuss things that should be apologized for, behaviours that should be corrected, etc) that he indeed havent listened to music on his computer for years, he just said that because in the past he was likely to do so and didn't want me to think that he opened those videos to watch women, because that happened purely out of curiousity after listening to the song and not out of direcly opening them for the women. Id like to add that he requested the same, to be open with him. He doesnt care what I do, he just wants to be open both ways. He wants me to open up because lately masturbation causes me shame sometimes. Its worth to mention because I dont want anyone to tell me there was any nagging from my side, since there was none, we just discuss everything so we can correct our harmful behaviours. 

I told him he can do whatever he wants, just make sure he doesnt sabotage our shared life with it,just like he did for 3 years. This is what everyone said here, its fine until it doesnt ruin shared sex. The reason he doesnt masturbate lately because Im open for it all the time and he rather waits a few hours for it, but there were occasions where he said he wants sex when I get home but until then he does it himself, thats fine by me.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, brokenbird said:

we have weekly talks where we discuss things that should be apologized for, behaviours that should be corrected, etc

You know, I’m not even sure one should take such a strict “moral police” approach with little kids. Surely it’s unnerving when used between grown up men and women within a romantic relationship?

The way I see it, the problem is not just you obsessing over videos, porn, masturbation, whatnot, it’s your general attitude to him. It’s like you constantly want to monitor everything he does and shape him according to your ideals. I’d be very careful with that approach if I were you, because it can make the other person feel exhausted and imprisoned, two emotions that are known as merciless killers of romantic relationships.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the so-called “positive psychology” school, basically it’s about us constantly being sabotaged by states of mind that are specifically aimed at destruction and weakening of our selves. Psychologists identify several such “saboteurs”. You seem to have at least three of them at disproportionally high level: controller, hyper-vigilant, and hyper-rational.

I’ve been consciously fighting the same three for over a year now, and let me tell you that my mental state has improved a lot. Be particularly aware of that last one, hyper-rationality. It’s an absolute murderer of romance, slaughterer of trust, and makes the person suffering from it intensely miserable. The way you over-analyze things, make lists and logical comparisons, initiate long-winded explanations tells me you have it in spades.

[basil67]

50 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You know, I’m not even sure one should take such a strict “moral police” approach with little kids. Surely it’s unnerving when used between grown up men and women within a romantic relationship?

Indeed.  It sounds exhausting   For there to be so many problems that you need weekly meetings, it sounds very much like the two of you cannot accept the other for who they are.

I don't know if there is a similar phrase where you are, but we live by the mantra "just let it through to the [wicket] keeper".   It comes from cricket, where if there's a ball which isn't worth batting, you just let it go straight on past to the catcher.   In a relationship, this translates to how sometimes our partners do or say things that are a bit sharp, or a little selfish or perhaps they are tired or hangry but isn't important in the grand scheme of things.  In this case, we may register it in our head and think "hmmmm", but we know it's not a big deal or symptomatic of a significant problem, so we let it sail on through. 

I'll be honest and say that sometimes there's been the odd thing which has taken me (or my partner) a few days to process and let go, but even then if it's not recurrent and not severe, just let it go.  

I believe that saving discussions for the things which really matter is what's behind my very smooth marriage.  Had we raised every time the other isn't at their best, or doesn't operate how as we wish, we would have ended up exhausted and the relationship would have ended

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

we have weekly talks where we discuss things that should be apologized for, behaviours that should be corrected

This sounds very much like you are parenting a teenager. That doesn’t work in an adult relationship between a man and a woman. 
 

4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I told him he can do whatever he wants, just make sure he doesn’t sabotage our shared life with it, just like he did for 3 years.

It sounds like you are trying to keep him in line, particularly because there is a history here that you don’t want to repeat. If you are able to get some counselling, that would be a very wise thing to do. 

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, brokenbird said:

How do I have control exactly if what Im saying is the exact opposite, it being that he masturbated to what he wanted to ?

You posted above that he does not masturbate (or look at porn).  And your prior threads follow the story of how you put a stop to both.  I know that he's "allowed" to masturbate looking at videos of you two together, but evidently he's not.  

[NotToday]

You have “talks where you discuss things you should apologize for/behaviors that should be corrected” on a weekly basis? Is this like a standard check-in thing (like couples counseling, for example)  or do you bring up your issues to him on a weekly basis? How does he act during this?

[NuevoYorko]

Now I'm even sadder on this guy's behalf ... that he has stopped playing music on his computer because of possible repercussions from you. 

If I seem invested in this situation, I am.   Someone very close to me was in a relationship with a controlling partner.   He was so insecure he'd monitor what clothes she'd wear and make an ugly scene if he thought they were too revealing.    Early in the relationship she would try to make it work by putting on clothes that she wanted to wear once she got to work, but when he caught on there was hell to pay.  

So, ultimately, she just turned over her freedom of personal expression through how she dressed.

At one point she had a high school reunion coming up.  They had planned to go together but he started getting obsessed with the idea of her teenage boyfriend being there.  That grew into such a big issue that they ended up missing the reunion - her choice, just to keep the peace.

By this time though he'd worked himself up into a full blown tizzy about that guy and was sure that she was secretly talking to him on the phone.  So he put some kind of spyware on the phone (this was a long time ago - in the '80's - it was a land line with an answering machine).   

She was a writer of fiction and was constantly working on something - he was worried that she was writing about him and making him look bad, so he started looking on her computer and getting his panties in a bunch about anything she wrote.  He was capable of making EVERYTHING she said or did about him and then turning around and putting so much pressure on her to change that she would ultimately succumb.  

Her world got smaller and smaller as his insecurities and control grew more encompassing.  She ended up really losing herself.  

Ultimately it ended up with him getting physical with her two times which, sadly,  was probably a  good thing because she was finally motivated to get out of that situation.

Unfortunately she had spent so much time allowing this kind of domination to inform all aspects of her life that she really had changed.  The spark was not there anymore, the last time I saw her.  

 

[Els]

11 hours ago, brokenbird said:

I told him he can do whatever he wants, just make sure he doesnt sabotage our shared life with it,just like he did for 3 years. This is what everyone said here, its fine until it doesnt ruin shared sex.

How did it "sabotage your shared life"? You haven't talked about him not wanting to have sex with you for 3 years or anything like that. Are you sure that this "sabotaging" isn't just the fact that you don't like it and therefore it caused conflict between the two of you?

[brokenbird]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

that he has stopped playing music on his computer because of possible repercussions from you. 

Now Im starting to believe you are trolling me on a daily basis, because there is no way you misunderstand so many things in so weird directions. Im sorry, but I just cant. Never did I say something like that, maybe if you read it again. Or maybe I am just stupid and cant communicate in english, hell, its my third language.

 

1 hour ago, Els said:

How did it "sabotage your shared life"? You haven't talked about him not wanting to have sex with you for 3 years or anything like that. Are you sure that this "sabotaging" isn't just the fact that you don't like it and therefore it caused conflict between the two of you?

We had sex once a week for like the first 1,5 years and twice a week for the other 1,5. He felt content because he handled most of the job himself. He felt the need to have regular orgasm, but chose to do most of it alone. Let me try and translate what he had come to realize before, these are mostly his words -> He got so used to masturbating to porn until he was 21, that he didn't even realize that shared sex could be the priority over his own hand. He thought what he was doing was normal, it was habitual. <- Also, there were times when he jerked off to porn when I was home asleep, instead of initiating sex an hour later, or there was one occasion when he was drunk and I wanted sex, and instead of declining or just letting me turn him on, he turned to porn to get a boner while I was showering and came to have sex with me with the boner he got from secretly watching porn. Instead of talking about how we could have a better sex life, he stayed lazy and ignorand, finding peace in porn . I used to ask him if he wanted more occasions for sex, or try different things, but he always said no. When he stopped using porn, he opened up, thaught me the things he wanted me to do during sex, I also opened up, tried everything I have always desired and we finally got to a point where sex is exciting both visually and physically, and now I have orgasms during sex, too. 

So we were both sabotaging those 3 years. Him being content with porn and not giving a damn that our sex life is about 2 poses and him coming after 3-10 minutes, and me giving up on myself, thinking that I cant ever enjoy sex, not trusting my partner by letting him pleasure me. 

If you view things from my perspective, him masturbating to women's videos does sound scary, even though I know that after he experienced real sexual plesure, he obviously doesnt want to go back to prefering his hand

[brokenbird]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Unfortunately she had spent so much time allowing this kind of domination to inform all aspects of her life that she really had changed.  The spark was not there anymore, the last time I saw her.  

Im sorry man, but not wanting my boyfriend to drool over other women is not the same as not letting him talk to females, choosing what he can wear when I am not there, or obsessing over his exes (he doesnt have any, but I wouldnt mind. What upset me once is that when he was almost 20, he wanted to have encounters with a 16 year old, but even with this topic I did not "monitor" him or nag him, just asked if he still thinks it would be normal to have sex with a 16 year old, which he obviously would not do, hence he is 25 now. Regarding the things said above, I asked him if he preferred teen category in porn because he was into underage stuff and I simply accepted what he said, which was him just telling me that he liked to watch youthful women who dont look like they are made of plastic,doing porn for 20 years, but look at least 18, thats fair ) Its me sending him to party with his friends, me who books him motorcycle trips without me being there. I dont control him with anything, I just want to be respected enough that he doesnt watch women for fun

Edited May 8 by brokenbird

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

Now Im starting to believe you are trolling me on a daily basis, because there is no way you misunderstand so many things in so weird directions.

She was providing an example of another example for your consideration, more extreme but similar in the way that one person’s insecurity resulted in a restrictive and emotionally abusive relationship. You may not it but you would be wise not to dismiss the comment - it’s on point here. 

Edited May 8 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

He got so used to masturbating to porn until he was 21, that he didn't even realize that shared sex could be the priority over his own hand. He thought what he was doing was normal, it was habitual.

That sounds like a typical 21 year old man - quite immature. I wouldn’t say that it’s necessarily a porn addiction. 
 

29 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

What upset me once is that when he was almost 20, he wanted to have encounters with a 16 year old, but even with this topic I did not "monitor" him or nag him, just asked if he still thinks it would be normal to have sex with a 16 year old, which he obviously would not do, hence he is 25 now.

This is a little more concerning. Hopefully, he has matured and truly does not feel this way anymore. But, if you are concerned that he fantasizes about minors, you leave the relationship - you should not have to restrict him and control his behavior. You are not his mother or his parole officer. 
 

38 minutes ago, brokenbird said:

there was one occasion when he was drunk and I wanted sex, and instead of declining or just letting me turn him on, he turned to porn to get a boner while I was showering and came to have sex with me with the boner he got from secretly watching porn.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, in many relationships this would be called “foreplay.” Not every time, but occasionally there is nothing wrong with this. This seems to be your insecurity speaking - he can only be turned on by me. It doesn’t work that way for a healthy, adult male. 


 

Edited May 8 by BaileyB