What do you think?

[Outrageous_Walk5218]

Hi, all,

This is probably the only post I will be making on here, so any advice you could give me would be much appreciated. 

I am a 36-year-old male living in New Jersey. I am college-educated, have a master's degree, and planning on teaching higher ed if given an opportunity. The reason why I'm posting on here is because I haven't had much luck with women. I would like to settle down and start a family before I am 40.

The problem is, I am on the autism spectrum. I'm high functioning, so going out in public isn't a big deal. But, I tend to be socially awkward, especially in settings that I'm not comfortable in. I'm also shy around people until I get to know them. All of my life, I have been teased, picked on, and bullied for being different. As such, I never learned the art of dating in high school and didn't have my first serious relationship until my twenties. 

My disability causes me to not look people in the eye, stutter, and sometimes blur my speech because either I'm nervous, or I don't know what to say. It doesn't help that I also have Charcot-Marie-Tooth Syndrome, a neurological disorder that affects motor functions. I have trouble walking, can't keep right posture, and I need to sit frequently because my feet are in so much pain. 

This sounds bad, but I am in therapy and I have made tremendous progress, especially with my autism. My therapist has been a literal godsend. As for my CMT, that's a whole other matter. I will probably never walk right for the rest of my life, and it will always look like I'm slouched over because my feet can't support me. Sometimes, it looks like I'm walking like a penguin or a robot--very mechanical so I can keep my balance.

I know physical attractiveness is important for women, so I don't know what to do. I can't help that I was born this way. Therapy can only do so much. Every woman I've ever talked to says I'm a nice guy, but they don't think that I can sustain a serious relationship because I don't understand emotions or "needs," which, unfortunately, is a symptom of my autism. It's not that I don't want to understand. I am a very good listener, and once I process the information, I can deliver. I just feel I'm doomed to live the rest of my life alone. I feel confident to approach a woman and ask her out, but I'm just afraid she's going to be repulsed by me or think I'm being a creep because of my awkwardness. I don't know what to do. What do you think?

Edited April 19 by Outrageous_Walk5218
Grammar

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, Outrageous_Walk5218 said:

I feel confident to approach a woman and ask her out, but I'm just afraid she's going to be repulsed by me or think I'm being a creep because of my awkwardness.

Re the above: Most women will reject a guy who just comes up and asks them out.  They can find it intrusive or dislike that he's asked her based on what she looks like rather than who she is.   So if you get rejected on a cold approach, you are in good company with all the other guys.  If you are going to chat to a woman you've never met before, at least try and do it somewhere where the place you're at has people who who are there because you have similar interests.  But not a bookstore!

Back to meeting people one of my friends got an ASD dx in her 30's.  She's highly educated, incredibly smart, attractive and she masks well, so has dated men who are neuro typical....but from what I've seen she connects best with guys who are either neuro diverse or just a bit outside the norm.  With this in mind, have you considered looking at dating apps for people who are neuro diverse?  It's likely where you will find a kindred spirit.  

 

[Outrageous_Walk5218]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Re the above: Most women will reject a guy who just comes up and asks them out.  They can find it intrusive or dislike that he's asked her based on what she looks like rather than who she is.   So if you get rejected on a cold approach, you are in good company with all the other guys.  If you are going to chat to a woman you've never met before, at least try and do it somewhere where the place you're at has people who who are there because you have similar interests.  But not a bookstore!

Back to meeting people one of my friends got an ASD dx in her 30's.  She's highly educated, incredibly smart, attractive and she masks well, so has dated men who are neuro typical....but from what I've seen she connects best with guys who are either neuro diverse or just a bit outside the norm.  With this in mind, have you considered looking at dating apps for people who are neuro diverse?  It's likely where you will find a kindred spirit.  

 

Yes, but dating apps haven't done anything for me, mostly because I don't like having my picture taken and I don't know how to create an effective profile.

[d0nnivain]

Dating is a numbers game.  You need to meet a lot of people before you get a date. Fortunately you live in the most densely populated state in the nation 

Tell friends & family you are open to being fixed up.  They may be able to steer you toward women who will not see you as disabled but differently abled.   There are dating websites for people with your same diagnosis.   You may do better there than on a main stream site.  Suck it up, let somebody take your picture & get some help from a friend with profile writing.  You post was clearly written with proper punctuation & good grammar so you are probably better off than you think you are.  

If you are willing to travel into NYC, according to the internet there are groups that organize in person singles mixer for people with autism. 

You may also want to try conventional MeetUp events like hikes or board game nights.  You want something to do so you are active & that can allow you to get to know people rather than have the focus solely on dating. 

Consider joining civic groups like the Elks, or your local fire department, or volunteering to be a docent somewhere to further increase your social circle.  You never know who knows somebody who will be perfect for you.  

[Els]

Have you considered dating women who are also on the spectrum? If you've tried, do they also give you the same kind of feedback?