I can't handle partners negativity - am I in the wrong?

[AnonyMouse]

I am married and have a a wife and 2 young kids.  We have a nice house and lots to be grateful for.  I work a stressful job that I don't enjoy and have a long commute which adds up to a pretty long working week.  When I get home from work I have my tea (my wife kindly makes us dinner) and then play with my kids, get them ready for bed, put them to bed and then do the dishes, tidy the kitchen/living room.  While I do this my wife will go for a walk or take some time to herself.  Once the kids are in bed and I've finished tidying up I get maybe an hour to read or something before I go to bed for the night.  As both kids were breastfed but are now not, I get up to settle the kids if they wake during the night so my wife can sleep through.  I am totally happy with this whole setup and feel very lucky for all we have.
My wife works 3 half days a week from home.  A family member generally takes our youngest while she works and our eldest goes to school.  However when she has both kids at home I get constant messages saying that she can't cope with the stress of looking after the kids and makes vague threats to run away or do something generally bad.  I try to comfort her but just get met with more messages saying more of the same.  It can be relentless with constant messages one after the other and "why are you ignoring me" messages when I can't think what to say. When I get home she is often stressed so I watch the kids while she goes out for a walk or something.  When the kids go to bed and she can watch some tv/read a book she is happy.
The reason I post this is that I am finding it really hard to hold things together.  I don't mean this as a "poor me" post, I just want to know if I'm the a**h*** here.  I totally sympathise with how tiring it is to watch the kids all day on your own and don't want to come across like I'm suggesting she is wrong to struggle or talk about it.  It's just the relentless messaging with "I can't do this". "today is a bad day" etc.  I want my family to be happy and want to help but over the years its starting to feel like the intent of the messages isn't to confide in me or to have a chat about things, its to make me feel bad too.  I don't want to share the content of messages but that's how it feels.  I just don't know what to do as I feel like I can't work any harder, I can't give any more time and I'm all in emotionally.  I want to help my wife but I'm feeling a growing sense of resentment over the constant messages.  Don't even know what I'm posting this for - I just want it off my chest to be honest, and to see if I"m being unreasonable and need to get on with things or not.

[Weezy1973]

So couple of questions - was she fully on board with having a family and enthusiastic about it, or was this your dream that she went along with?

Is there family around that can help even on days she is not working?

 

Does she have a group of mom friends?

Also being in the situation of a family with two young kids (5 years old and 1 year old) it can be  tough. I’d say the number one key  to our families happiness is my wife’s joy of parenting. She absolutely loves being a mom more than anything else.

She also has developed a great social network of other moms, makes sure she eats healthy and exercises regularly. Basically making sure she does all her self care so she can have the energy and patience to be a more effective parent. 
 

On top of that she has a career she loves, and will work a couple days a week once her parental leave is over. And although we don’t live close to family, she is very close with hers and messages / FaceTimes with them regularly. 
 

When I get home from work, she’s often putting our toddler down, and after a quick shower I start cooking dinner for me and her. Either me or her will get dinner ready for my son. After he’s done dinner he plays for a bit or I read to him before bath, while my wife does her exercise / jog / walk. I give my son a bath and we all do his nighttime routine. Once he’s in bed I finish cooking dinner while she does random chores (usually folding the endless stream of clothes) and we chat about our days. Then dinner is served to us both in front of the TV and we have a mini date night with a nice dinner and movie or show. 
 

So we’ve kind of exchanged having dinner together as a family, for my wife and I getting a date / time together to connect every night. 
 

Anyways it’s clear your wife is having trouble right now coping. So things have to change somewhere. Perhaps family counseling might help? 

 

[d0nnivain]

Nobody can serve two masters.  It's impossible to watch kids and work.   Can you hire a minimum wage person to deal with the kids so wife can concentrate?  I'm not talking about a professional nanny.  I'm talking neighborhood kid / babysitter so wife can close the door & do her job but the babysitter can knock if there's a genuine problem.  

[basil67]

I would say that you're wrong in that your seeing your partner's cry for help as being "negative".   Instead, she's being very clear with you that she's not coping.

Things need to change and the two of you need to sit down and work out a solution before she crashes and burns

[MsJayne]

I'm wondering what she's not coping with. How are your children in general? Are they well-behaved or are they demanding kids? If there's days where she's trying to work but also having to watch the kids, that would be too much, no one can properly attend to kids and concentrate on doing a job at the same time. However, it sounds like you're seriously putting in your fair share, a long day at work, a long commute, you help with the children and housework, and allow your wife daily time to herself. I'd sit down and address the issue with her because either she's just a whinger who doesn't realise how good she has it, or it's serious. If she's one of those women who don't enjoy motherhood and perceives the children as a nuisance this is something you shouldn't ignore as simmering resentment in a parent can lead to bad situations. But for the sake of three half-days a week, how much do you really need her income? Could you cope without it until the youngest goes to school?